The Softer Side of a Psychopath
(http://blog.hellokitty.com/wyna)
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Archive for June, 2013

Eyes wavering on one horizon.

Wednesday, June 19th, 2013

Silly Diary,

I just spent my day at the water park with my husband Mikey and our good friend Cody. Last week, I almost called it off and asked someone else to fill my position. I wasn’t really up to it with my summer allergies, but I decided not to miss the chance.

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As I am here at home, waiting for Michael to finish bowling in his (currently) Tuesday League, I’m thinking to myself how surprisingly easy it was to smile and laugh today. I feel as though right now I’m simply brooding.

I spend so much time internalizing, it is difficult to reach the surface and realize that all I need to do is act. Act out, live, move forward, and the experiences will come.

Today was a fun experience. Yesterday was a mixed bag of experiences, where I seemed to meet all sorts of characteristic individuals and even bumped into someone from the past that gave me much anxiety.

I excused myself rather dishonestly and took a slightly confused escape route on foot over to a friend’s apartment, even though I didn’t expect them to be around.

It always feels kind of adventurous, walking off by myself, taking cover under the eaves and overhang some random building.. It’s been a while since I’ve done that, even the measly mile, and yet I felt good in the end. So good that when I noticed a bag of trash left outside, I walked it out to the community bin, just for the sake of feeling that impact, that high.

Really, I’d enjoy more physical activity in my life.. but my true motivation is always in social graces. It doesn’t seem that Michael has much time after work for anything but relaxing and our friends are.. well, not exactly keen on exercise?

I’ve got to learn to motivate myself a little more..

Always waiting on others to make their time for things I like has become tiring.

I can’t complain. I can’t be depressed. I can’t hold back.

What I can do.. is remember.

Remember when I was alone. Remember when I stood on my own. Remember when things were easy, and I felt free.

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Taking what is mine, with my eyes on the sky.. The only one in my way.. is me.

I suppose, as much as I desire the companionship of others, I really am a loner. I’ve become too dependent upon mankind.

It’s true that I have found someone I can trust!
I love him very much and he is my happiness..

Though, I must remember my roots and myself too.

Suddenly, I remember a very motivational song.

A song that I always took to heart, especially when I was having difficulties with my schizophrenia and the after effects of those experimental drugs.

Even if my eyes sink and I can no longer see the sky.. I believe in the future and I believe in myself.

“I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened before

Welcome to the fallout
Welcome to resistance
The tension is here
Tension is here
Between who you are and who you could be
Between how it is and how it should be”

- Excerpt, Switchfoot’s ‘Dare You To Move’