• December 2020
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The Lost Puppet

What if life doesn’t just try to give you a lesson to learn?
What if truth doesn’t really mean the way it’s supposed to mean?
What if love doesn’t care how you feel towards the person you love?
What if existence is just another part of illusion that we’re playing on?

We hold our own fate, we create our own destiny
Yet we don’t get to choose what we want and what we don’t want to do
We take pride in our ideals, we keep our faith in what we believe
Yet we don’t get to understand what’s right and what’s wrong

One person controls the other
A parent controls the child
A master controls the servant
A loner, ah does he even know other people exist?

They say, “I’m a person on my own!”
And still you can see some strings dancing on their limbs
They say, “My heart is as free as a bird flying in the sky!”
And still you can see another lips are hiding behind the curtain

So which one is right? The you I see in front of my eyes?
Or is it the one playing the strings with their fingers beautifully?
Oh wait, is it the one with a script on their hand, arranging each word carefully?
If only you could tell me which one is doing which, I’m lost

One day you said you loved me, the other day you stare at me with those cold eyes
One day you held onto me so tightly, the other day you left me miserably
So which one is you? Are they both you? No, I swear to God I see those strings
Who are you really? Is this some kind of a stage play? Can I get there with you?

Ah, why can I only see you from far away? I can’t even walk towards you
My feet are stuck in these wooden racks and my hands are too stiff to reach out
And once again I hear those words saying you don’t wanna lose me from far away
Well, now I can see another shadow is lurking behind you, and soon you won’t be you anymore
Or is it the real you this time? I’m lost again

My Longing

how could someone change when he’s still the same person i saw years ago
the same guy who did let me sleep tightly on his shoulder
i really wish i were that numb to see the changing within him
tried if i could pretend it didn’t happen, yet i see more than i thought
he’s still wearing clothes the way he did before, the same pattern, the same style

back in the old days he would call me his little baby and he still does
i’m sure he’s the one who’s got my heart long before i knew boys
it’s hard to believe he never died if he’s not the same guy he used to be
where’s the warm hand that touched me softly on my back when i was down?

was it cut and replaced by a senseless iron-hand?
where are the gentle lips that used to kiss me goodnight when i was little?
did they become too stiff to speak a word to me?

there was no doubt i meant the world to him, i was his princess, he treated me so
now i wonder was he that sincere to speak the words of love in front of me
all i know is everything that i feel from him is too cold, painful, and heartless
yet i still try to fight my hesitation, keeping my trust getting hurt more and more

i really miss him, i miss his smile, i miss his presence, i miss his everything
there’s not a single day I didn’t pray that he could be back into someone i used to love
i’m dreaming of yesterday, i’m dreaming of times when he was my pride, the best one
i keep waiting, but no, my biggest hope just never came true

god, are you sleeping? do you see my tears?
i don’t mean to blame you, but isn’t it too much?
is it that wrong to ask him how he was doing and expect him to say the same thing?
i dont ask for golds or diamonds, i just want some affection, am i being too greedy?

i never knew that he has a heart that’s as sharp as a knife
a knive that thrusts deeply into my feeling and stays there like forever
or is he really dead that he has no heart neither to feel nor to love?
i wish he were so that i wouldn’t put him at fault for being too heartless

What if?

what if you’re really sad but you just couldn’t cry?
what if something really hurts you but you just couldn’t say it?
what if your heart aches really badly but you just couldn’t stop it?
what if you really love someone but you just couldn’t tell him?
what if you know there’s no more hope but you just couldn’t give up?

what if i just stay silent, will my broken heart mend?
what if i just keep smiling, will he notice how much i love him?
what if he knows this feeling, will he understand how painful it is?
what if he knows i’m dying, will he give his hand for me to reach?
what if he just doesn’t care, will he leave me alone here?

what if i never loved you, would you still ignore me this badly?
what if i never knew you, would i still get hurt as painful as it is now?
what if i could forget you, would you still appear in my dream every night?
what if i never showed this feeling, would we be good friends?
what if we.. :’(

11-20-2010..

yesterday i prayed to god
if you were meant for me
then i asked him to get us closer
but if not, then it would end here

and he answers my prayer
in a simple and cruel way
painful it is, but it opens my eyes
we’re never meant to be

i’m weeping now, it hurts
i love you too much, way too much
and i don’t know how to stop it
until i fall over and hurt myself

do you find it similar like yesterday
when i asked you to teach me playing ice skating
and i didn’t know how to stop it
until i fell over and hurt my knee, but you just left

it’s the same baby, i was crying
not because it hurt even it was bleeding
it hurt much more deep in here
but you just never did care

and now i know you never love me
never even you give me that hope
so here i am writing this for you
to end everything i’ve been wishing for

i’m done crying, i’m tired of it
i’m done hurting myself, it’s too much
just go your way, don’t be kind to me anymore
leave me alone until i feel stupid to weep over you

He Didn’t Mean It, Did He?

Maybe this is gonna be another heartbreaking love story that I have. Well, I can see my heart is broken already now. I’m just wondering why I could never have a normal relationship with someone that I really like. It’s always messed up, and sad, for me at least. We’re getting closer each day, he started to open his mind to me. He started sharing his problem to me and asking my opinion about something. The only thing that’s bad is just we fight a lot. No day without fighting and insulting each other. I know that we are just joking and we both enjoy it, but sometimes it’s just too painful to be. He never takes my words seriously and tends to second me in anything else. There’s nothing romantic between us, zero. I wonder how I still like him and this feeling just grows more and more every day, when he never feels the same way. Today I asked him to accompany me to buy something, but he said no in a really cruel way. It hurts me a lot. Do I have a meaning in his heart? Everybody says that we are so close together because we fight a lot, but why don’t I feel that way? Who do I feel that it’s only me who is struggling now? Why do I feel so lonely now? I’m tired of this. Really. :’(

Why Now? Why Not Yesterday? Why?

Last night I was talking to a guy that once I loved long time ago for years. A guy that has turned me from a little girl into a lady. A guy that has a really deep meaning here inside my little heart. A guy that has taught me how to be strong and how to face a problem without any fear. A really meaningful guy for me even I don’t love him anymore now. He was still as funny as usual, except the fact that we’re getting closer each day. And yesterday, he asked me to be his girlfriend. If I lost my control last night, even if was just joking that time, I would definitely say yes. But now, I feel a regret. Why didn’t he ask me that before? Now I don’t have any special feeling anymore and he just asked me like that? Why? Why did I have to forget him in such a great pain before I could accept the fact that he had no special feeling towards me? And now he asked me to be his girlfriend? Isn’t it too much? WHY? :(

A Fight Between Heart and Mind

So, if there’s any of you who reads this title, I bet you know exactly what it is about. Love. Yeah, it’s always love, nothing else. I’m not that kind of stupid girl who falls in love easily with a guy. In fact, I’ve rejected almost all of the guys who tried to be my boyfriend. Among all those people, I only chose a guy, he was my first and last boyfriend until today. He’s not the best guy I’ve ever met, he just had a kind of chemistry that I couldn’t resist. This is my biggest problem. Now I’m facing the same problem. Among all of good and bad guys who try to get closer to me, I’ve chosen to fall in love with an asshole. A real asshole. My mind has told me many times that he doesn’t deserve me at all. I really understand that. But I can’t stand my feelings every time I see him around. It feels like I don’t care about my pride nor my common sense anymore. I’ve tried so hard to ignore him, but my heart aches every time I do it. I don’t know who’s gonna win the fight. All I hope is just whichever side wins, i won’t regret it.. Can I wish for that?

I Wish I Had No Heart to Feel

It’s obvious that I’m in love with him. He knew it from the beginning that I do like him. But he always pretends like he doesn’t know anything. He’s an asshole. He tries to attract me, he tries to get my attention, he’s being really nice to me but he doesn’t want to have any relationship with me. He just wants to play around. And the worst thing is he tells all of his friends that I like him and I act stupid in front of him. I feel really hurt and cheap at the same time.:( I wish that i had no heart to feel every single kindness that he gave to me. now I’m stuck in here, don’t know where I should go. Why do guys always hurt my feelings so badly? God, I’m about to cry..:’(

girl:”i love you”; boy:”whatever”

So I told him that I liked him. He’s the guy who held my hand last time. But I didn’t get the answer that I like. Instead, I got a rejection. LOL. That’s funny though. And I feel really stupid. I mean, I was thinking too much. He didn’t even like me, why should I bother? At first, I told him, “I think I like you” then he replied, “Whatever”. I just felt like a donkey right away. After that, my friend got mad with his answer, and she asked him. She forced him to say the truth, and he said, “No.” Well, I think this is the end of my newest love story. It doesn’t even last for a week. I tried to consider his “whatever” answer as a joke, but still it hurts me. And I got a news just now that he’s close to a girl who’s kind of bitchy. Oh well, I hope they break up soon and he’ll regret for choosing her instead of me. He doesn’t know how lucky he would be if he were with me. I’m not trying to boast my strength, but I’m sure I’m way much better than that slut who always flirts with cute boys. I know I’m mean, but “WHATEVER” =)

Don’t Give Me Any More Hope

So I met this guy two weeks ago. He’s from China and he’s a new freshman in my school. He’s really cute and kind. At first, I didn’t have any feeling towards him at all. But yesterday, everything changed 180 degrees. We went to the karaoke with my friends and I didn’t look good, I got a headache and I was so sleepy. So I didn’t do anything there, just sitting on a couch, looked freaking bored. Then he sat next to me. Accidentally i guess. We talked a little bit, it was fun. He didn’t even hesitate to sit really close to me until our hands touched each other even the seats around us are pretty empty. He even offered me to take me back to my dorm since I felt so sleepy and I couldn’t take a nap there, my friends were really loud. But I refused it. After the karaoke, the weather outside was really cold, and I couldn’t stand it. I grabbed my friend’s hands to warm my body until this boy came to us. She told him that I felt cold. Surprisingly, he offered me to grab his hand which was really warm and big. And I felt my heart was beating so fast. We were holding hands on the way to a restaurant for about 10 minutes before I finally loosened my hands and walk by myself. I was so embarrassed. Now I feel like I have something more than just a friend’s feelings towards him. I don’t know if this is just because I am too idiot to think that he likes me or if he really likes me. I’ve added his facebook, but there was no further response after he confirmed my friend request. He didn’t even ask for my phone number. What should I do? I hate hoping for something stupid but it hurts me a lot to only wait for nothing. On the other hand, my ex’s shadow keeps haunting me, making me feel afraid to get closer to a boy. It was a trauma for me. what should I do now?? Should I just wait for this boy?? Or should I just forget about him?? Is he worth my waiting?? Help me..T_T

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