Married To:

Barbara Morse, AKA Mockingbird

Good Qualities:

Hawkeye has the typical cachet of better-than-usual abilities. He’s an expert hand-to-hand fighter, accomplished gymnast, all of which we’re assuming lets him perform admirably in the bedroom. If a cut-rate Captain America without the jingoistic overtones gets your motor running, look no further than Clint Barton.

"The High, Hard Shaft" and Other Titles That Marvel Editorial Overlooked

Warning Signs:

As hard as it is to be married to any superhero, it has to be harder to be married to a gimmicky B-lister. You have to imagine that as Mrs. Hawkeye you’d constantly be trying to boost his spirits with such encouragements as:

"I’m sure next time we fight Doctor Doom you’ll get to do something before Iron Man carpet-bombs the area."

or

"You know, you’ll be technologically relevant if we get sent back to the 16 century! It could happen!"

You wind up living with a man who has a crippling inferiority complex, often making weak attempts at justifying the whole ‘bow and arrow’ thing. For instance:

"Are you sure? ‘Cause we could just untie–"

"NO IT MUST BE WITH ARROWS."

The Clincher:

Pop quiz, fellas: Your wife confesses to you that she was raped, and that she allowed the rapist to die after fighting him. Do you:

A) Wholeheartedly support her actions, only regretting that you weren’t there to kill the man yourself.

B) Tell her that all that matters is that she’s OK now.

C) Freak out, refuse to believe her, and take the side of the rapist.

If you picked an answer other than C, congratulations! You’re not Hawkeye.

Yes, all of that happened to Mockingbird (the rapist was Phantom Cowboy, it’s a long story). Mockingbird eventually tells Hawkeye of the events, and we are treated to this bewildering exchange:

By the way, as you can guess by the villain’s name, he’s a phantom. He doesn’t actually die, he just inhabits another body, so basically his "death" was a mild inconvenience for him. Yet, Hawkeye takes his side. "Psychotic Phantasmal Bros Before Hos, Am I Right, Fellas!"

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 31st, 2008 at 3:21 pm and is filed under Video Games. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.