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  • August 2019
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I give up….


that’s all.
long time ago I decided the way , my way, and I learnt a lot in that way.

I learn that every history deserves be heard and every thing , people or living being have miracles inside and they are part of everything.

I learnt about kindness and cruelty friendship and betray one is the continuation ofanother in every way that you want to see it and how the lies are so important in the life to learn how to believe even knowing that there are lies.

During all my life the people talks about how awesome I’m, I must feel good about that, but that isn’t a middle point, everyone wait for I do the best every time and feel disappointed if I fail.

all the time was managed apart lately I feel sick, and now I’m recovered, inclusively breaking my limits, but all my life I’ve been fighting against myself, my body is weak, I know, that’s the reason what I practice, my mind isnt clear, I’m forgetting about lots of things for that I tried to understand the situations and improvise,

Actually in the school I’m kinda famous, and beloved, everyone trust on me, when I found someone who understand me years ago she explained me things about how it works the world for us, and she called it “SDLS” we must take control about our actions or our actions take control of us,

Lately I’ve fought so hard really hard to take control of my life to encause who I’m I tried to go ahead, but to be honest I didn’t wanted, to my real myself don’t mind about the future, about find a couple about make friends, and all that is inside me, a cold face of me, my real myself,

I fought against that over and over and that just causes me pain broke my heart broke my soul, broke my spirit, and fight against makes me hate the world more and more, and is sufficient for me I give it up.
if I continue trying do my best I’ll finish hating the world more I prefer stop now, accept tha voice inside me who says “let all let it go, that’s all” and keep a piece of all this, just a piece, I don’t know how many years I’ll live for, but I want to finish them in peace,
I’ve done more than a lot of people who I Know, and they said me “Woow you’re awesome” .. but now I give up..
I don’t want more fights against me, is time to take my own force my real force, and with that force protect what I think is important for me now.
I’m starting to lose my view, I cant see the words clearly ,,, I think is another sign that is time to keep the rest in peace.

and I want tatto my arm before I lose all my view haha I want to see it …. the tattoo of the snake and the acebo. in blue ink, as my heroine, Reika Kuze, then I could say

“I don’t want to see anymore… Let me sleep forever”


CH 1-1 “waking up”


all around me is dark, I cant really feel my body, as I were floating in the air.
Then, I open my eyes… everything around me is blurry… confusing … weird…

I don’t know what, but something is very wrong.
I’m laying in the ground, little by little my vision recovers, and sensations start to fill my body, the first sensation I remember is the cold rain in my face, slowly I start to wake up, now everything around me is getting clear;

the rain isn’t so heavy as I thought, is just a little cold breeze, aside a few drops of water.

My body aches, my shoulders feel heavy, instead I try to stand up, and I look around, is night, nobody is there, just me, and my pain.

Now I can see the reason of my pain, my right knee is all covered in blood, I cant feel my leg, is like a numb feeling.

-This is a dream
I say to myself, but the dream turns more real at every moment.
-“How the hell  have I come to this place?” 


I’m confused, I know who I’m, but I cant remember my name, or where I am, but I’m not scared, just confused.
once more time I try to get up, I know my actual health isn’t good but I cant stay there.

The ground looks made of river rocks, and old style, and the buildings… all of them looks so big for me, I’m still disturbed yet to pay attention to details, I just want to walk at some place, I don’t know why but I know the way to go that place…

Then, I see fire, maybe is in the sky, like an arrow crossing the sky, and suddenly.

I wake up, I’m in my bed, ready for a new day…
I’m just a child now, my leg still hurts, but isn’t covered in blood.
Maybe I had that dream caused for the pain, anyway… time to get up and get ready for the school.

continue ~

why you re so shining?


I just made me that question today ,,, I saw u as ever this day, And I Just can ask that, I wasn’t be able to don’t stare at you while u do ur homework, and I only was sitting there,, looking at you .

Today It was one of that days, tonight I cant sleep,

and today I just feel bad, but you don’t said anything, just smile to me a few times while I write some things in a notebook, that really made my day happy, and your friend told me about when you were a little girl, you enter in so many activities in the school, you know how to dance so very well, that’s something I don’t know about you.

Then I think on that ,, why are you so shining?
what’s your secret to be able to live shining every day. Maybe is cause I know my life is going more and more dark the reason I cant understand why you’re so shining.

Now, every day I see how u go far and far from me, I just turning off and you shine more and more, I’m trying to do my best, but sometimes isn’t sufficient.

I said I never dance in my school, and you think that I was a fool, .. that hurts me a little, cause I had a great reason to don not participate in anyone dance in my school, I really would like to participate in so many activities in my old school as like you, but sometimes the world makes you at one side and take out of all. that hurts, but I couldn’t get angry to you, maybe you’re right, and I’m a Fool, ^^U

i see you shining so much every day, and I’m closing my eyes every day, but inclusively when I ‘m closing my eyes I know you’re there shining,

Today you feel tired, and go to sleep. and don’t take my help to study. I feel so tired too, but I’d go to visit you, now I feel terrible xD, I have a horrible headache, but every day I’m closing my eyes,more and more, hurts less, maybe I’m taking my place, and I’m knowing that you never will shine for me.

when I’ll close my eyes, I could sleep forever. maybe inclusively I could forget about your shining, I don’t wish that, but sometimes I think is inevitable

Thank you for be so bright, keep smiling. ^^


what don’t you like about yourself?


a very famous phrase,,,, I’m Seeing nip/tuck
Lately I found the DVDs, I’ll end the first season soon, is a very cruel TV program, but let you think about so much things.
Now the last chapter I saw is about Sean confessing at her Wife about he was dating to another girl.

she ask him “what did you see on that girl and I don’t have!”
and he answered
“she looks the potential on me, she looks a hope on me, she looks the good part of me, and you … you only can see pain, and frustration on me”

and that conduce me to the question,,,,

What don’t you like about yourself?”

…. to be honest. I don’t like the actual me,

isn’t about my body or something like, I really think I’m ok,

inclusively my sickness don’t really make me a lot of troubles, I can live with ,,, (inclusively keep me bleeding the last 3 days every 20 minutes ¬¬)

to be honest I don’t feel I really need to change something about myself, to be honest I need just to recover my past security on myself.

I used to be myself, to live my life, with fails and mistakes I know, as everyone, but lately, maybe at first cause I fall sick, I start to be more insecure, and add the trouble of my feelings to her…  

maybe if I don’t be so weak now I could do a better job with my feelings just now, maybe I could be a better boy and maybe I could be a little more important to her, maybe I get annoying talking about her, but I really try to don’t give so much importance, but recently I knew, she is really important for me, I must admit, but I feel weak at the same time, and I only can say “I don’t want she date to a boy so insecure and weak like me now”
I want feel me ok again. I want be secure again, I know, I’m very Shy, but this time,, is important to me, I will do my best, really, but when I look my actual state, I just can feel me weak.
I want to recover me  I want be myself at all,, I want show her who I am really and not the weak boy that she has been seeing lately …

I just hope when I could be recovered, don’t be too late for me …





today, it was so , weird, so, just weird.
I was jealous,,, I must admit it ,,, I just feel really jealous,,, not furious,,, not angry,, just sad

today i help her to make a work ,,
everything was usually as ever, but suddenly it comes a boy, and he kiss her un the cheek, and gave her a book, and he stay there and he help us to make that work.

With the way of the conversation i understand that he is a close family friend, and he have a girlfriend, for that I just think "is ok"
but in the time he spent there,, she it was so close to him,, I know she only see him like a friend,,, and she is most easy to feel free to him cause the long time to know each other,,,

and for my that is ok,,,
But I feel sad at the moment she said him to sit at her side, usually i take that sit ,, and she never ask me for that ,,,
then I just think ,,,
"I’m so pathetic…inclusively that hurts me,,, "

to see that really hurts me,, but mostly to see my reaction at see that,, i just feel ,,,made at one side,, and thinking

"what side? you never were at anyone side!!"

I just feel jealous about she never ask me sit at her side,,, thats just pathetic I think ,,,

… sometimes I just want to forget about this,, this is one of that moments,, not cause i think thats a fault or something,,, is ok feel jealous,,,
being at the reality,,,
I dont really important to her,, i try to,,, i try to really hard!!

but that no changes the reality,,,

maybe i must forget about,,, that could give me a little of peace…


A Little history


Today is a very special day… I can see people in the streets buying flowers or chocolates…
to be honest I never was the kind of guy that gives gifts on this day … and just like I saw u don’t receive so many gifts on this day too…

We can say … we’re a noobs on this…
I used to give gifts on this day in the school like an exchange, but I never bought a gift by myself… and never to think at give it for non-obligation…

I was thinking so seriously about that for weeks. “I must gift something to you or I don’t..”
I ‘was so nervous, what could you think about me?, I just want ….
I just want Show you a little of how important are you for me,,, but I’m scared I’m scared about you could think.. Literally I’m a stranger for you, we only had a 3 or 4 months to know us each other, I’m scared about this could be a mistake. But, anyway. I want to buy something, not so scandalous, something discrete but kind.

Is hard for a boy go out and get a shopping time, believe me, is hard. But I do.. I find a gift, To be honest I found 2 gifts. Small, but pretty. I really hope you like so Much…

Today I give you a class as always, it looks like u understand all I said, but always I end with a great doubt about if you really understand me, or just says “yes” to make me feel better ¬¬ ,,, ^^

Anyway. I saw a lot of gifts on a table, Roses, flowers, chocolates. Kind gifts I think.
-“What could mean my small gifts after saw that cool gifts …”- I think ,,,-
Anyway I ask to you…
- are there your gifts?
*and you answer me…
- No, I don’t receive any gift today, that gifts are of my sister.
*and I see at you with an “I can’t believe you” face.

- Lier! –I said- you received 2 gifts today
-No! –you answer- I didn’t

Then I show you my 2 little gifts for you, I don’t really know if you really liked or not. But you said me “Thank you!!” so cheerful and I just loved to see your face smiling.
you don’t give me a material gift, but I receive an amazing gift, the gift of see your smile that day, that is the best gift I can ask.
As always I return to my house, again I don’t had nothing to do, I just sit in front of the computer, and think in your smile.
again I feel pain in my knee.. but is ok. I need give a best effort to recover I think.
anyway ,,,, Today It was my best 14 of February …
I get maybe my best gift in my life… thank you ,,,


thank u thank u thank u !!


^^ …. Today it was an awsme Day !!! *O*
yey ,,, I’m most cheerfull than other days,,, ,mm  *peacefull mode on* xD

^^ …. today I was be able to say her,,, mm to ask her something that I always wished to say ,,,
And she said me

drums sounds)

——- she said me “ YES” !!!!
*O* !!! maybe u must wondering,,, what is the question?

the question it was…

”Could u help me to draw a front page at my notebook?”


xD ,,,, ok isn’t the big deal,, I know,, but for me is a big achievement…. … rlly,, she draw for me a cool letters, and she uses her favorite color I’ll treasure it for all my life.

maybe for so much people is only a cute draw xD but for me is a time she’d takes to make something for me,, inclusively I’d needed to ask for it… ^^U …

today I just feel a little weak all the day, but no pain, ill be better soon I hope, or maybe is just an awsome day O_O … xD anyway,,, today i+ll treasure it  so much…

and I want to do a Special mention,,,,
to 2 kind girls,


Thank U very much !!!!!! Rosie ^^


really thank so much… that u said really means so much for me,, sometimes one just feel alone,, and more when the world look like is falling down … this months has been hard for me, I know sometimes I just act like a crybaby ,,, xD ,,, but really what u said means so much for me,, Thank u really thank u ^^

And my other special mention is for my Superstar !!

Thank U very Much Cassie !!!!

keep writing,, u know I keep reading ^^  I Hope Jenny could do her best effort !!!
and thanks for accept my dessert ^^U is a kinda weird an ice cream right? xD ^^ go ahead !!!! *O*

really thanks girls,, to return and read ur words just were awesome to finish this day,, so much time ago, I didn’t feel so,, mmm full of energy,,, thank u !!! Really ^^

go ahead !!! *O* 


a new day …


yes,, I keep sick ,,, xD … tomorrow mmm not no tomorrow ,, xDD I mean,, in a few hours i ‘ll need go to Tai Chi xD is part of my recuperation *O*

but I know now I’d must be sleeping now,, but I cant ,,, T_T again hurts,, and I only can see through the window and do nothing ,, then I decide to come here and check if I can find something new,,,


yey surely always have new discovers here,, the world keep moving !!! xD

^^ that’s amazing ,, about the “always topic”,,, xD yey ,, I saw her today ,, again my heart keep in silence inclusively when I wanted to said “u’re all for me!!” 

and she show me a few of works that she made time ago in the school ,, every day I feel amazed at her,, not only for my feelings,, I think inclusively I couldn’t feel something about her,,,I’d feel amazed…

I know she look at me just like a friend,, or maybe less than a friend,, hurts,, but anyway ,, I feel fine to spent some moments at her side…

Thank you for that ,,,


I’m so sorry


I’m so sorry ,, I feel,, ashamed about my last post,, but sometimes I just get mad about how it feels,,
anyway,.. the time heal everything ii hope

today … it was a  good day … I’ll sleep most part of the day ,, and now I feel sleepy again xDD I’m so lazy nee?

but I feel so Weak…

But everything will be ok *O* ,,, always itll be better ,, a friend says me, “tomorrow it0ll be a better day to smile”

I hope so ,, ^^ and tomorrow I’ll see her again… I hope she smiles so much,..

see her smiling ‘ll make a good day,, rlly …


I’m getting worst …


… take time to admit t,, but is true,, I’m don’t getting better,,,
keep bleeding,, that hurt in the leg, the headache,

I cant keep so much time awake.. the sound kills me.. I can hear inclusively the tic~tac in the clock..

maybe I can be fine 3 or 4 ours at day ,,, and the rest I’m a lot of pain saying “I’m ok”

just in this moment my knee hurts like hell, a long time ago ,, months I just stopped to take my pills for pain .. sometimes is good,, but sometimes I regret..

but wake up coughing, and coughing with blood, is getting hard..
I just hope this end soon .. I really want it,,,

I don’t want to see anymore…

Let me sleep forever…


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