I am so upset with myself. I failed to confirm to a red light signal on 24 June and have been checking the traffic police website every day since that day, hoping not to see any update on my traffic offence. There was nothing for almost two weeks and I thought all was fine. I knew it was captured because I saw a flash of light from the camera when I went through that red light. Almost two weeks later, that was yesterday, I received a letter from the traffic police department. For failing to conform to red light signal, I get 12 demerit points and a $200 fine. Each driver is not allowed to have 24 or more demerit points in 2 consecutive years. That means that if I get another such summon within the next 2 years, my driving licence will be suspended. I am so pissed with myself.

“Where did I leave the flowers?”

I know I need to be strong and I am working hard at it. I dont want to care about anything or anyone anymore because I know I will get nothing back. As I was on my way home today, I cried. I miss being content with my life, I miss my smiles, I miss being busy, I miss being funny, I miss being loved. Seriously, when was the last time I felt that great? It must be a long time ago. How did I end up being the loneliest soul on earth? Why did it happen to me? Or rather, why didnt anything happen to me? Why am I not living with someone who loves me for who I am, someone who is willing to make my life complete, someone whom I can spend my evenings and weekends with just like what everyone else is doing? I dont have any answer. I am lost.

…As I fade into your background, I cry.
…As I walk in my flood of tears, I see the old me.
…I was happy.

It started with cramps and migraine. I am sitting here, trying to do some grading while my head is spinning away, and with migraine, I am also experiencing a burning sensation in my eyes. Oh whatever.

To make things more exciting than it already is, we now have two confirmed cases of H1N1 in our school. Several classes and staff, people who have been in contact with the infected, have been sent home this morning. I think it is just a matter of time before most of us get placed under the home quarantine order, which would probably result in a temporary school shutdown. I am fine with any measure taken by the school. If I ever get it, I wish they have internet connection at the communicable disease centre, the place that houses the infected. Oh no, I will miss all my babies. Sigh.

I love this picture. I took it to show off my new haircut, but apparently, it was too dark. I think I look better when it is dark. HAHA! Too harsh on myself? Well, it is the sad truth.

I went shopping last weekend and bought quite a few dresses, and instead of doing damage control, I decided to buy more online. I am so depressed and in need of true love I want to spend everything I have in my saving account and leave this world in peace. I was down to these two dresses on one of the online websites that I always visit, and both are really cheap. The cute pink one is SGD$16 and the classy black and white one is SGD$20. I bought one of them. Guess which one!?

…not only when I am happy and fun? I doubt so and that is what hurts me most. It hurts me so much I find it so hard to believe in us anymore. When I am not happy and fun, you hang up on me. You have reasons for yourself to hang up on me, and you believe so much in yourself that you are impossible to talk to. I am so unworthy of your patience. She is.

To have someone you care kick a bin, slam shut the laptop, walk out on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, hang up the phone on you, and hang up the phone on you, is indeed terrible. You do not want to be in my shoes. While someone else gets all the queen treatments, I get - go be sad for the rest of your life. Hey, whatever.

I sneezed like 1000 times this evening, and am still sneezing. I cried for half a day today and is still crying. I am down with flu and fever again, three times in two months. I am feeling so miserable, both physically and mentally. But, whatever.

I have only myself to blame. I chose this miserably lonely life.

Nijntje is a dutch cartoon character. Her alternate name is Miffy, which she is more commonly known as to the non-dutch people and me. I found this picture online. It is taken from one of Nijntje en vriendjes (Nijntje and friends) books, and has the text “Nijn - eleven” added to it. It is so funny! Hope you get the joke too!

Oh, I found her series on youtube!

Funny version:
I was walking to my car this morning and I thought of something. Wouldnt it be nice to meet our pets from pet society? Say, there is this event by the pool, with lotsa champagne and snacks. Everyone who owns a pet in pet society is invited to this event and at this event, we get to meet our the pets in lifesize form! To perfectize this dream, each pet would know who their owner is, and there would be no end to their discussion with their owner on how they prefer their rooms to be like, what kind of food they like, their favourite dress, shoes, etc, and where they like to be scrubbed and cleaned. It would be so, so fun! I want to meet my pet so much!

Non-funny version:
Lying in my bed last night, I tossed and turned. Sleep seemed to be the last thing on my mind. I wish I was somewhere else but I do not know exactly where. It is not that I hate my current life but I just feel that I am not happy. I suppose I will not go berserk by continuing to live this life and I hope I will not, but I want to live a life different from this. I hate being alone. In the day, I put on a fake smile for greeting purposes. In the night, I dream my dream life. I am tired of this.

…but every time I reach for you, you slip through my fingers…