By Conrado de Quiros

Inquirer (view source site here)
Last updated 00:06am (Mla time) 04/03/2007

“Ma’am” & “Garci”

This is a conversation between “Garci” and “Ma’am” clandestinely taped sometime the other day, April 1. Unfortunately, only the things said by “Garci” were intelligible; the things said by “Ma’am” were garbled — probably deliberately so. The conversation, or virtual monologue, went this way:

“Hello, Ma’am? Hello, hello, hello? It’s me, Ma’am, Garci. How do you know it’s me? Ma’am naman, until now you do not know my voice? The whole country knows my voice. How do I know it is you? Naman, naman, Ma’am, even Willie Nepomuceno cannot copy your voice. ‘Kainggit nga kayo’ [You are enviable], Ma’am, you don’t need a thumb print, your voice is enough identification mark.

“I’m calling, Ma’am, because, as you know, I am running for congressman here in Bukidnon province. I know that some of your advisers in Malacañang do not want me to run because they think I am the symbol of cheating in this country and the opposition might exploit it. What do they know, Ma’am? They are all talk and talk; I am the only one who is act and act. They are the real cheaters, Ma’am. What have they done for you? I was the one who made sure you became President, Ma’am. What did they do? I did all the dirty work and got all the dirty fingers while they got all the dirty money. Unfair, Ma’am. ‘Nadaya ako’ [I was cheated], Ma’am. And now they do not want me to run because of what I did for you? Hello.

“How can the opposition exploit my running? ‘Tanga naman sila’ [They are stupid], Ma’am. They already had the tape and they were never able to exploit it. ‘Yawa’ [Heck], they already had the Singapore authorities saying I fled to their country, and they were never able to exploit it. By the way, Ma’am, no one will be able to question my residency in Bukidnon because I’ve always maintained that I’ve lived here uninterruptedly for most of my life, even if the people looking for me at one point could not see me. Is it my fault they were blind? Maybe they were wearing cheap sunglasses.

“I am calling, Ma’am, because I thought maybe I can ask you a favor. Can you make me win by one million votes? I would really appreciate it. Of course, you can also always make me win by P1 million. Or maybe by P100 million, ‘alam n’yo naman’ [as you know], Ma’am, inflation is very bad in this country. Everything is inflated, including your husband’s ego. ‘Malas lang’ [Too bad], Ma’am, he is inflated in the wrong places.

“As you may have heard, I am also running as Garci. Why should I be ashamed to be called Garci? Of course, I denied being Garci when I appeared in the Senate last year, but who cares? No one remembers those things, ‘lalo na tayong mga Pilipino’ [especially us Filipinos]. We can’t even remember Rizal, and that is just as many letters and syllables as Garci. Besides, as you yourself have shown, Ma’am, offense is better than defense. When you are attacked for not being elected, you oust the elected officials who are saying so. When you are caught killing journalists and activists, you arrest others for murder. I’m just taking my cue from you, Ma’am.

“I am also taking my cue from the entertainers and media people, Ma’am. As they say, no publicity is really bad publicity. ‘Sikat na rin ’yung “Hello Garci” [“Hello, Garci” is well known], Ma’am, it is even a ring tone. Might as well make the most of it. I have also applied for ‘Hello’ to be added to my name. So any vote for ‘Hello’ and ‘Garci’ will be credited to me. I would also like to ask your permission to add ‘Ma’am’ to my name. So that any vote for ‘Ma’am’ will also be credited to me. ‘Flipside ’yon, Ma’am, nung “Hello Garci” at “Hello Ma’am” [‘Hello Garci, Ma’m, is the flipside of “Hello Ma’am’].

“Just to be sure the voters don’t forget, Ma’am, I am using as my campaign ditty, which I am now playing everywhere, my own version of ‘Hello Dolly,’ entitled of course ‘Hello Garci.’ “Mahirap na” [Better to be careful], Ma’am, this is such a forgetful country, people now are beginning to forget even “Hello Garci.” My song goes:

“‘Hello Garci, well hello Garci/ It’s so nice to have you back where you belong./ You’re looking swell Garci, we can tell Garci/ You’re still adding, you’re still padding/ You’re still counting wrong./ We feel our votes straying/ While your hands are playing/ One of your old favorite tricks from way back when./ So make him Rep, fellas,/ Find him an empty seat, fellas,/ Garci you’ll never go away again.’

“What is that, Ma’am, the lyrics are not flattering to me? Ay, that is not a problem, nobody listens to lyrics here in Bukidnon, Ma’am, “bukid man ini” [this is farm land], people do not understand what they hear. People do not even understand what they read. You can see that, Ma’am, even in Manila. The covers of pirated DVDs in Quiapo have blurbs that insult the movies but people buy them anyway, thinking the blurbs are endorsements. Of course, I am not suggesting that you are buying pirated DVDs, Ma’am. Even less am I suggesting you are a pirate. Only that De Quiros is a pirate.

“You can rest assured, Ma’am, that once I get to Congress, I will not just kill any impeachment bid against you, I will make sure you too will never go away again. My first bill will be to require anyone running for president or prime minister to be no more than five feet. I will take care to measure Joe de V’s height first, Ma’am, to make sure he doesn’t qualify. “Mahirap na, baka maisahan kayo ni Yoda” [Better to be careful, Yoda might pull a fast one on us]. Of course, “puwede kitang maisahan” [I could pull a fast one on you], hehe. But this bill stands to reason. After all we are an Enchanted Kingdom, and only enchanted beings, like dwarfs, may rule an Enchanted Kingdom. People who do not believe that should be required to see ‘Shrek.’ Dwarfs, ogres, same difference.

“Please don’t worry that my candidacy will hurt you, Ma’am. The people of this country are fools naman, and this day, April 1, is dedicated to them. “Sige na muna, Ma’am, baka me nakikinig na naman sa atin” [That’s it for now, Ma’m, someone might hear us]. Wish me luck, even though I don’t need it. Only fools trust in luck or the voters, as you and I know.

“Happy April Fools Day, Ma’am.”

Pink Blog
Official FAQs of Sanriotown Blog
Fashion Blog
Director's Club