So yeah, it’s 10:27 and I don’t have anything to do. I’ve kinda had a bad day, but not really. I dunno, it was kind of a mixed bag. I’m just kinda tired of there being something new to deal with every single day, whether it’s my boyfriend or whoever else is making me mad that day. I just want to have one day where I don’t totally want to kill everybody. I’ve been in a bad mood since Christmas and I just can’t help it. Everything is just really getting on my last nerve. I hate this.

I’m not going to complain anymore though, it’s a waste of time and makes me look even whinier than I already am lol

There is good news though. I bought a bunch of stuff on Ebay and it should be here soon. I’m excited. I got some onsen bath salts, a little nyanko doll, a hello kitty scrubby cloth for in the shower, and a cute little dear daniel phone charm that I’m really excited about. It’s him in the little blue suit, it’s so cute. I really love Dear Daniel stuff, he really looks like my boyfriend. It makes me laugh.

I dunno, I’m going to go downstairs now. I’m bored with this.

xoxo

I have no problem with church. The only thing that bothers me is having to go to a church I don’t believe in with my boyfriend. Then after making this big deal about how he loves it, he drags me there and leaves me alone so he can go wonder the halls. Sounds great huh? If he doesn’t even want to be there then why does he drag me along with him? The only reason he goes to that church is because his dad is a paritioner. I really don’t like that place either. I’m not Babtist, I’m a Lutheran. Babtists are more about trying to spread the word, Lutherans are about listening to it and staying out of everybody elses business. For the most part I’m kinda anti-missionary. I think if people want to hear, they’ll find it on their own. I don’t like forcing what I think on other people. I dunno, maybe it’s just me. I just don’t feel confortable there. I don’t really care too much for the “new age” christian stuff. I’m not into the whole thing.  I think that out of the bible all thats important is what Jesus said and that you can pretty much skip over everything else. I just don’t like it. There’s a verse in the bible somewhere that says something like It’s better to kneel and pray quietly in your closet than to pray loudly in front of a congregation to see who can make the most noise. Obviously that’s not how it goes but that’s the message you get from it. I really believe that one. Then remember the part in the bible where Jesus throws all the money changers out of the temple? When I went to his church, there were people writing out their bills and passing checks to each other.  I just don’t like it there, and the worse part is, he’ll probably want to get married in there. Fantastic. Then today they were talking about bringing Jesus into your relationships and it had this big verse from Ephesians about how husbands should honor their wives and praise them like a church, and he sat there and rolled his eyes, but when it got to the part where it says wives should respect their husbands he freaking nudged me like it was just so important. It just gets on my nerves. I just want to be able to practice my relationship with God in my own way, I don’t like being forced into some little box. I like my old church, and it’s a beautiful place. I grew up around the corner from it and the Pastor’s daughter was one of my best friends growing up. I really feel at home in that place.

 I’m just kinda aggravated I guess. I’ve been in a bad mood for afew days now, and today didn’t really help much. Now I’m getting ready to go the antique mall 40 miles away so my grandma can buy dresser scarves. Woo. I just have this feeling that today is going to drag on endlessly. Fun stuff.

I don’t mean to complain all the time, and I know there are people in the world who have it way worse than me, but man… I just get so tired of everything being the same all the time. I’m tired of always fighting with people and being put in situations I don’t feel comfortable in just because it’s the polite thing to do. It’s annoying and it makes me feel very repressed.

Then on top of that I’m noticing more and more how hypocritical my boyfriend really is, and its over dumb stuff too. He’s constantly late to everything. He’s the type of guy who’s going to be late to his own funeral, and everybody is just expected to wait on him. Then when I’m running 10 minutes late on my way to his house, he’s on the phone with me every 5 minutes. He’s constantly making me rub his back, and he complains when I stop cuz my hands hurt. Then when I ask him to do me, he makes a big deal about it and then does it for like a minute and stops. Then that stuff in church today. It just really gers to me. Then yesterday he was trying to get me to let him buy a can of duster and got mad at me when I said no, then he was trying to let me hit the bowl when I was smoking and of course I said no. He’s about to relapse and I really can’t handle that right now. If he starts drinking again I’m breaking up with him. I’m not going to go through that again. My hair just recently quit falling out from the stress and I’m not really in a hurry to go back to that. I’m not really in a hurry to start chasing him down in bars either, and wondering whether or not he’s going to be calling me from a jail cell. I can’t do it and I won’t. If he honestly thinks that I’m that stupid then I swer to God I’ll kill him. Last time we got in a fight over this stuff, I broke one of his 200 year old windows (that are irreplacable) and his nose. I can be a very nice person, but I’m not about to let him walk all over me. I did it for 4 F’ing years and I’m not doing it anymore. He can either adjust or be left behind. I really do love him, and he is a good person, but he’s one of those types if you give him an inch he takes a mile. He’s already started sneaking out of the house while he’s on house arrest. It hasnt even been a month yet and he’s already trying to see what he can get away with. Then him trying to smoke, oh my god that just drives me crazy. I told him I would quit with him and he told me not to because it wasnt a problem for him, and now he’s asking me if he can smoke too, knowing he can’t. He’s been spending all his time looking at pot plants and telling me all this crazy stuff he wants to do when he gets off probation and I CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE. All he wants to talk about is weed, and I don’t want to hear it. He still has 11 months to go, minimum, and he’s just driving himself crazy thinking about it. Then last night he drags me to the bar so he can get a cigarette and wanted me to wait outside, then he gets mad that I go in with him. He’s testing the waters and I don’t like it. He’s either going to be sober or not, and if he’s not then I can’t be with him. I’m not going to marry a drug addict. Period. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life worrying over whether or not he’s laying dead in a gutter somwhere. I’m not going to spend 40 more years cleaning up puke and hiding my money. It’s childish and I’m not doing it. Then he acts like its no big deal and that I’m freaking out over nothing. He acts like I have no idea what he’s trying to do. I hate when he thinkis I’m that stupid. I’m not stupid. My IQ is 165 (seriously, I’ve been tested) and I’m not going to take crap from somebody who can’t pronounce Psudoephedrine. I may not be the most eloquent speaker but I know what I’m saying and I am deffinantly not stupid. I can’t stand it when people think I’m stupid just because I have a GED. Well you know what? Albert freaking Einstein had a GED and it was good enough for him. Erg. I’m just in a very bad mood.

If you live in Ohio and are trying to get your GED, don’t try to register for your results online. First you have to fill out the exact same form three times, and then you have to fax a copy of it in as well. So then when you go to try and fax it to the number they give you, you can’t. Why? Because they don’t turn their fax on durring business hours. So yeah, I’m kinda upset because I wanted my money today.

On top of that, my boyfriend (who’s on house arrest) went missing at 2 am last night. I was supposed to go ver there at midnight, and he called me at 1 in the morning to tell me that he had a fight with his parents and was going to bed. Then 2 am rolls around and his mother calls me to say that she doesn’t know where he is. Isn’t that lovely? So he’s either out drinking, doing drugs, or he’s with some other girl. I swear to god if that’s the case then there won’t be any more posts from me, unless Marysville Womens’ Prison would let me get online lol. So I’m not having the best of days, I’m very irritated. He hasn’t even tried to call me since then, and it’s 3 in the afternoon.  Not only that, but he’s already trying to get me to buy him stuff with the money that I haven’t even got yet. That’s my money, and I worked for it. He’s been “working” on trying to get his GED since last April. So yeah, he’s going to get an earful when I see him.

On top of that my sister IMed me out of nowhere yesterday to fight with me over clothes she left in my room 2 months ago, saying that I stole her stuff. She’s the one constantly stealing my F’ing underwear, that don’t even fit her, and then she says that I steal her stuff? Please. She dresses like a freaking goth girl reject and her clothes are all at least 8 sizes bigger than mine. I wear a 12/14 in jeans, and she wears a 22/24. So yeah, I don’t see why she takes my stuff when it obviously doesn’t fit her. It drives me crazy. Not to mention how gross it is to take people’s underwear. *ewww.*

 So I’m sorry for being so whiney, but I’m just really agravated. It just really bothers me when stuff like this goes wrong. I really put alot of effort into working on my GED. I freaked out so bad when I went to go take the test that I threw up on the way home. All I want is my stupid money so I can get on with my life.  And I also put alot of effort into my relationship with my boyfriend, and when he does stuff like this after all I’ve done for him it really makes me want to kill him. OMG I can’t stand this stuff. *grrrr*

I really am so tired of living here. If anybody out there is thinking of moving to southern Ohio, don’t. Smack yourself for thinking about it. Everybody here seems to have lost their marbles. The two people that I consider my best friends are kinda pitted against each other right now, and everybody else is in this giant drama nightmare with me smack in the center. Then, to top it all off, I was looking at my little sister’s myspace today and saw a comment on her profile from some girl saying that she was going to give my sister baby clothes. Naturally I freak because A.) my little sister is only 17 years old B.) she does way too many drugs / is way too selfish to take care of a child C.) the guy she’s with is older than my boyfriend, who’s 21 by the way, D.) she’s only been with him / known him for less than six months. So I go to look at this girl’s profile and there in black and white was my little f’ing sister saying “yeah, I can’t wait to have a baby, me and my boyfriend are going to try to get pregnant when I turn 18, its’ my birthday present.”

The whole world has gone mad. Never in my wildest dreams think that I would ever have to worry about something like this. Its’ crazy. Its’ almost crazy enough for me to tell my mom honestly, and I don’t even talk to her. I just seriously cannot let that happen, even if I am fighting with her.

Bleh. Other than that there’s the Kayla and Lexi drama. They’re fighting with each other and I’m kinda stuck in the middle. I keep telling each of them that I don’t want to get involved, but I just keep getting drawn in more and more. Its’ driving me crazy.

My boyfriend is still on house arrest, just to make things extra fun *sarcasm*. So now if I want to see him I have to go over there and sit with his overbearing mother. (It’s not like he lives there by choice, he really is trying to get out of there.) His mother just loves me. When she found out I was an Avon lady, she put Mary Kay makeup in the bathroom. She used my hairbrush, ate my japanese gum, calls at all hours of the day and night when he’s with me, and it just goes on and on.

 But there is good news. I’ve been working towards getting my GED since the begining of January, and I finally got to go take the test. Tomorrow I should get the results online and if I passed, I get $1000. Not two zeros, but three. I’ve never had that much money in my life. I’ve been dreaming for weeks what I’m going to do with it. What I really want to do is to get a giant gold maneki neko on my thigh. Kinda like this one

Picture it as yellow with red accents and a black outline. I already have one tattoo, so I think I’m ready for a slightly more ambitious piece. Here’s the one I have now, it’s total Hello Kitty love.

That was right after I got it done, so it’s kinda dark in that picture. It’s on my lower back. My aunt calls it my tramp stamp. lol

Bt yeah, that’s about all that’s going on with me.

*nip + steve*

I’m kinda just sitting here, its’ too cold to do anything, I can’t get ahold of anybody anyways. I’m waiting on my boyfriend to call so I can go over there, but that won’t be until later. I hate having so much free time. Its’ so boring.  Bleh.

I don’t even really have that much to say, I’m just trying to pass some time. I have nothing but time. lol  Everything kinda sucks since everybody is fighting. I’m not going to be the one to cave though. Its’ a stupid fight for a stupid reason and I’m not going to let them think they’ve gotten to me. Its’ really lame though. Bleh.

*nip <3s steve*

Even though I know this is better than him being in jail, I still miss him like crazy. Everything has to be on a schedule, when he can talk to me, when I can see him, when we get to be alone, everything. I can’t wait til he’s done with this stupid place and we can just be together. The scariest part is that he still has to go to court in afew weeks and they might send him away for awhile. Like 2 years. Its’ really stressing me out, to the point where I’m starting to develop a stutter and can’t sleep worth anything.

So to top it all off, almost every single person I used to call my friend is so mad at me they don’t want anything to do with me. Its over stupid stuff too, that wasn’t even true. So I just told them to all go to, well you know. I’m just really tired of there always having to be so much drama in my life. I can’t stand living in an episode of freaking degrassi.

So on top of all that, now my cousin is living with me. I love him to death, but he’s always got to be right next to me, and he keeps breaking my stuff. He broke the kool-aide pitcher, he broke the lid to my $65 lotion, he broke the lid to my shampoo, he broke the vcr in the back bedroom, everything in the house is sticky, he pees on the toilet seat, and he used my razor and not on his face. *eewww* All of this and he’s only been here like three weeks.

So I’m like beyond stressed out. I can’t get a minute alone. My grandparents are going out of town this weekend so I asked him if he could stay the weekend at his girlfriends house and at  first that was the plan. Now he wants to bring her over here. *sigh* All I wanted was to be able to take a nice bubble bath by candle light and listen to music. Now I can’t even do that. Its’ driving me crazy.

And I can’t talk to my boyfriend about it because he got in trouble over there and now he cant use the phone. I havent talked to him in 6 freaking days. I’m going to go see him tonight, but jesus.

I dunno, maybe I’m complaining about nothing, but it sure feels like something.

*nip <3s steve*

So after my boyfriend being home for about a month, he got his court date moved back to the middle January, so he checked himself into a rehab facility. He’ll be home before he goes to court so even if they do send him away, we’ll still get afew days together.

The good news about the place he’s at is that it’s not like a hospital or anything, it’s more like a group home type thing. He gets to wear his own clothes, he’s taking classes, and working in the kitchen. He’s about a third of the way through it already, and he gets to come home for a visit every Sunday. Also, I go and see him every Wednesday. So we still see each other twice a week and he calls me every day. Its actually not that bad. It’s way better than him being in jail wearing a uniform.

 After he gets out we’re going to start couples counciling and talk about getting serious on this marriage thing. We figure that counciling will be a good starting point because we really don’t want to rush into this. I’m really excited though.

So life isn’t too bad, nothing major to report. Just wanted to put up a new post because I noticed it had been awhile.

*nip <3s steve*

My darling dearest finally came home! He’s been home for a whole week as of tomorrow and its been wonderful. He’s taken me out to dinner almost every night this week. We’ve been inseperable. My grandparents even went out of town after he got here and we got to spend the whole weekend together. Life is wonderful. I just wanted to update everybody and now I’m going to go heat up leftovers *yum*

*I love you baby and I’m so glad you’re home at last*

So tomorrow I’m going up to the jail to see my boyfriend. I’m really happy that I get to see him, but I’m getting really tired of it being through glass. I’m not just thinking about how much I miss doing naughty things with him, but its the simple things too. He always had the most perfect hands, they’re all scarred up from being in fights and smoking crack, but they’re still beautiful. I used to lay in bed and kiss the scars on his hands, and he would never ever admit it, but I know he misses it too. I miss laying in bed with my head on his shoulder and my hand on his chest. We would lay there like that for hours, and I would feel his heartbeat with my wrist, and after awhile our heartbeats would sync up. I would give anything to have that right now.

  I really miss him, and being around my friends doesn’t help much. They’ve all got boyfriends and being around them makes me miss mine even more. then there’s this one girl, we’ll call her Q. Q and her boyfriend have been dating for alittle over 5 months, she’s 17 and he’s 19. THEY JUST GOT ENGAGED, and now she’s wearing his school ring around her neck. She had never even thought about it until I told her about me and my boyfriend wanting to get serious. She’s trying to be the first to get married, and it just can’t happen like that. I mean, I want her to be happy and all, but she’s way too young and they hardly even know each other. It’s going to break her heart. Me and my boyfriend are just now talking about the M word and we’ve been together for 4 years, and we’re planning on waiting at least another year.

  But the good news is, I might not even have to go to the jail tomorrow.  His bunkmate put in a motion to get OR’d the same day he did, and the guy got out yesterday. So He thinks that they’re just holding him until after he goes to court in Montgomery county today. He might be home tonight. I’ve been praying that he gets to come home soon, this is just driving me insane. I know its killing him too, way worse than it is me. I just feel so sad for him. He was already an alcoholic before he ever even hit his 21st birthday. He looks alot older than he is, so he would never get carded, he could get a drink anywhere in town, and I used to go out with him to the bar and stuff. Now he’s in jail, and in recovery. He just looks like he’s been through hell and back. I just want to hug him and love him and tell him its all going to be ok. He’s like an ugly little stray dog. Mangy, gritty, scarred, and alittle rabid, but he needs someone to take care of him, and if you’re that person, he’s all yours and you’ll never find anyone who loves and appreciates you as much as he does or anyone as loyal as him. He’s protected me and defended me through alot of things, and honestly I think I’m really lucky to have him. I know he has alot of flaws and needs alot of help, but I love him enough for that not to matter. I’m not saying I want him to go out and use drugs or anything, I’m just saying as far as boyfriends go it could be so much worse. He has never laid a hand on me, and he has never yelled at me. I know that he loves me and that his problems aren’t an immediate threat to me. It is possible to love someone in spite of challenges, and he really is doing better now. We’ve been through so much, it would be silly for me to leave him now over something as stupid as him being in jail. It’s going to be alright.

*Baby, I miss you so much and I can’t wait to see you. I love you with all my heart and I will always be here for you*

My boyfriend called me tonight from jail and he sounded better than he has in a long time. He said “Baby, I just had to call and tell you something. Do you know what today is? Today makes one year that I’ve been off crack, and I wanted to tell you that.” I almost cried when he said that too, because I remember what it did to him. He wasn’t the same person anymore, all he ever wanted was to be on that stuff. He stole from his own family to get it, and before I knew that was what was wrong, we were always fighting. Now, by the grace of God in heaven, he’s off of it for good. He still had some problems with drinking, but at least he wasn’t smoking rocks. I’m so proud of him. If you would have seen him then compaired to now, you wouldn’t have known it was the same man. He’s totally different now, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his girlfriend either. He really has changed. He said to me once that I’m the reason he got off of it. He said that because I stayed with him through that, and through him being in jail all these times, that he saw how much I really loved him and that he didn’t deserve me if that’s how he was going to act. He said that nothing would ever be worth losing me. Nothing would ever be worth losing him either. He’s my everything, and I’m so proud of him. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how much better things are now. Just alittle over a year ago I was dragging him out of crack houses and staying up all hours of the night worrying about whether he was dead or alive. Now all I have to worry about is what am I going to wear when he comes home at last.

Honey, I’m so proud to be yours. I love you more than anything in this world. I always had faith in you, and that will never change. No matter what happens I will always be here for you. I pray for you every night, and you’re always on my mind. I belong to you for all eternity.