My darling dearest finally came home! He’s been home for a whole week as of tomorrow and its been wonderful. He’s taken me out to dinner almost every night this week. We’ve been inseperable. My grandparents even went out of town after he got here and we got to spend the whole weekend together. Life is wonderful. I just wanted to update everybody and now I’m going to go heat up leftovers *yum*

*I love you baby and I’m so glad you’re home at last*

So tomorrow I’m going up to the jail to see my boyfriend. I’m really happy that I get to see him, but I’m getting really tired of it being through glass. I’m not just thinking about how much I miss doing naughty things with him, but its the simple things too. He always had the most perfect hands, they’re all scarred up from being in fights and smoking crack, but they’re still beautiful. I used to lay in bed and kiss the scars on his hands, and he would never ever admit it, but I know he misses it too. I miss laying in bed with my head on his shoulder and my hand on his chest. We would lay there like that for hours, and I would feel his heartbeat with my wrist, and after awhile our heartbeats would sync up. I would give anything to have that right now.

  I really miss him, and being around my friends doesn’t help much. They’ve all got boyfriends and being around them makes me miss mine even more. then there’s this one girl, we’ll call her Q. Q and her boyfriend have been dating for alittle over 5 months, she’s 17 and he’s 19. THEY JUST GOT ENGAGED, and now she’s wearing his school ring around her neck. She had never even thought about it until I told her about me and my boyfriend wanting to get serious. She’s trying to be the first to get married, and it just can’t happen like that. I mean, I want her to be happy and all, but she’s way too young and they hardly even know each other. It’s going to break her heart. Me and my boyfriend are just now talking about the M word and we’ve been together for 4 years, and we’re planning on waiting at least another year.

  But the good news is, I might not even have to go to the jail tomorrow.  His bunkmate put in a motion to get OR’d the same day he did, and the guy got out yesterday. So He thinks that they’re just holding him until after he goes to court in Montgomery county today. He might be home tonight. I’ve been praying that he gets to come home soon, this is just driving me insane. I know its killing him too, way worse than it is me. I just feel so sad for him. He was already an alcoholic before he ever even hit his 21st birthday. He looks alot older than he is, so he would never get carded, he could get a drink anywhere in town, and I used to go out with him to the bar and stuff. Now he’s in jail, and in recovery. He just looks like he’s been through hell and back. I just want to hug him and love him and tell him its all going to be ok. He’s like an ugly little stray dog. Mangy, gritty, scarred, and alittle rabid, but he needs someone to take care of him, and if you’re that person, he’s all yours and you’ll never find anyone who loves and appreciates you as much as he does or anyone as loyal as him. He’s protected me and defended me through alot of things, and honestly I think I’m really lucky to have him. I know he has alot of flaws and needs alot of help, but I love him enough for that not to matter. I’m not saying I want him to go out and use drugs or anything, I’m just saying as far as boyfriends go it could be so much worse. He has never laid a hand on me, and he has never yelled at me. I know that he loves me and that his problems aren’t an immediate threat to me. It is possible to love someone in spite of challenges, and he really is doing better now. We’ve been through so much, it would be silly for me to leave him now over something as stupid as him being in jail. It’s going to be alright.

*Baby, I miss you so much and I can’t wait to see you. I love you with all my heart and I will always be here for you*

My boyfriend called me tonight from jail and he sounded better than he has in a long time. He said “Baby, I just had to call and tell you something. Do you know what today is? Today makes one year that I’ve been off crack, and I wanted to tell you that.” I almost cried when he said that too, because I remember what it did to him. He wasn’t the same person anymore, all he ever wanted was to be on that stuff. He stole from his own family to get it, and before I knew that was what was wrong, we were always fighting. Now, by the grace of God in heaven, he’s off of it for good. He still had some problems with drinking, but at least he wasn’t smoking rocks. I’m so proud of him. If you would have seen him then compaired to now, you wouldn’t have known it was the same man. He’s totally different now, and I’m not just saying that because I’m his girlfriend either. He really has changed. He said to me once that I’m the reason he got off of it. He said that because I stayed with him through that, and through him being in jail all these times, that he saw how much I really loved him and that he didn’t deserve me if that’s how he was going to act. He said that nothing would ever be worth losing me. Nothing would ever be worth losing him either. He’s my everything, and I’m so proud of him. It brings tears to my eyes when I think about how much better things are now. Just alittle over a year ago I was dragging him out of crack houses and staying up all hours of the night worrying about whether he was dead or alive. Now all I have to worry about is what am I going to wear when he comes home at last.

Honey, I’m so proud to be yours. I love you more than anything in this world. I always had faith in you, and that will never change. No matter what happens I will always be here for you. I pray for you every night, and you’re always on my mind. I belong to you for all eternity.

So I went to go see him at the jail on his birthday and it was absolutely perfect. I sang him Happy Birthday Mr. President (Marilyn Monroe) and he cried. He always calls me his little Marilyn so I sing that to him every year on his birthday. Usually in the nude, but not this year lol. We talked alot about what we’re going to do when he comes home, and more about getting engaged. Its going to be awesome.

Then yesterday I talked to his mother and she was asking about his bond money like she was going to pay it. Then she started talking about his court date on the 11th and she said “well he can always ride the buss out there” like he was going to be home for it. What I think is going to happen though, is she’s going to wait til after he goes back to court and also wait to see if he gets O.R.ed and then decide whether or not she should pay it. But thats good news, because even though its not in the original time frame, its still way better than his sitting in jail until the middle of October just waiting to fill out paperwork, and then another three months waiting on a bed to open up at the rehab. So yeah, I’m very happy right now, even though I miss him like crazy.

Things are deffinantly looking up, and I’m very positive about our future. We’ll both be clean and sober and everything is going to work out just fine. Here’s his plan, and its the one we’re going with right now. His plan is to come home and get his GED, then he’s going to go work at this place in town called I-Supply.( Its basically a warehouse full of freezers that hold all the food that fast food places need. They pay you $14 an hour to move boxes in a freezer all day. ) While he works there, or wherever, he’s going to save money and put me through college. (I want to be a teacher.) Then sometime in between all that we’re going to get married, or maybe after. Either way I know he’s not going anywhere so I’m not in a hurry or anything. Its a good plan, and hopefully we have the ball rolling by about May of next year. Its going to be great.

*I love you with all my heart baby, and I miss you terribly, but I know each day that passes brings you closer to me. I can’t wait til you come home!*

Tomorrow is my boyfriends 21st birthday and he gets to spend it in jail, after his mom said she was going to pay his bond before then. She told him he wasn’t going to spend his birthday in jail but here we are. Now he doesn’t even want to see her. He told me not to bring her tomorrow and I don’t blame him at all. I just think its really sad. He’s not on speaking terms with his grandmother either. She told him to dump me. Isn’t life just great? lol

It doesn’t matter though, because we still have each other. People can say whatever they want and it doesn’t matter one bit. Eventually he’ll be back and we can get back to our plans. Until then I’m going to just sit around and listen to our old songs. We don’t just have “our song”, we have a whole playlist. lol

If you want to really get a good picture of how sappy our relationship is, you have to listen to the following lol :

The Story - Brandi Carlile

Promise - Ciara

Don’t Worry Baby - The Beach Boys

You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take my Man - Loretta Lynn

Hey Good Lookin’ - Hank Williams

Wild Horses - The Rolling Stones

Sea of Love - Bobby Darin

HWC - Liz Phair

Fidelity - Regina Spektor

Stars are Blind - Paris Hilton

I’d Rather F*** You - Eazy E

Tell Lorrie I Love Her - Keith Whitley

So yeah, listen to any one of those songs and see how sad it makes you now. lol Every time I hear one of those songs I miss him like crazy. It feels like its been forever, but I know it could be so much worse, and I thank god every night for not sending him to prison. I really am thankful for that, because even though he messed up I don’t think thats the right punishment for him. I think this really got through to him though, so hopefully this will be the last time I have to go through this.

No matter what, I will always love you baby, and I will always be right here waiting for you. I miss you more than words could ever express…..

Even though he’s been gone for over a month, it still feels like it all happened this morning. Waking up with him not here every day is the hardest. I miss absolutely everything about him, even the stuff that used to really get on my nerves. He always used to take his socks off and leave them in my floor, and I kinda miss tripping over them. I know that sounds really silly, but its true. I miss him waking me up at 3 in the morning to tell me he loves me, and knowing that he means it with all his heart. I miss making him listen to Liz Phair and then hearing him sing it in the shower. I miss walking across town wearing a mini skirt in the rain just to see him and turning down any guy who would offer me a ride. I was proud to walk in the rain for him. I swear to god I would do absolutely anything for him, and it kills me not to be able to help him right now. People try to tell me that it’s all going to be ok, but the waiting is killing me. Somedays I find myself stairing out the window, like he’s about to walk around the corner or something. Everytime the dog barks, I always think its him at the door. I check the mail every single day and wait by the phone til 11 every night. Just waiting for him. I don’t know what else to do, and really its all I can do. He’s been gone before, and you’d think I’d be used to it by now, but every time it hits me just as hard. I love him so much, and every time I look at him I find another reason why. Then people try to tell me that he’s no good for me just because he’s been locked up. They try to tell me that I’m stupid for staying with him and there are no words for how bad it hurts to hear that from your friends and family. We’ve been through way too much for this to be the thing that breaks us up, there’s just no way. We’re stronger than that and we will get through this, no matter what anyone says. He needs me just as much as I need him. Without each other we’re nothing. It doesn’t matter one bit to me what anybody thinks, as long as I have him I don’t need anything else. One of these days we’ll be married and successful and we’ll prove everybody wrong. We’ll have beautiful children and a perfect life. No drama, no gossip, nothing but each other. Then they’ll all see how wrong they were. I know everybody thinks they’ll be with their boyfriend forever, but I know in my heart that he’s the only man I will ever love. The first thing I ever said to him was “I love you” and instead of laughing at me he just sat down next to me, put his arm around me and said “well I love you too sweetheart” and that was all it took. That was four years ago and nothing has changed. He still looks at me in that way that makes me weak in the knees, and he can still find new ways to amaze me. I just wish other people could see what I see in him. I’m not saying he doesn’t deserve to be punished for what he did, I’m just not going to turn my back to him because of it. It’s not like he’s a violent ex-con or anything, all he did was take his mom’s car and drive it into a ditch. That’s all. And before that he was doing so good. Hopefully spending his 21st birthday in jail will help him see where this is taking him.

Yep, his 21st birthday is Wednesday. I’m going to see him then if he’s not home by then. *fingers crossed* He was in jail for my birthday this year, and christmas and thanksgiving last year. In the whole 4 years we’ve been together we’ve never got to spend Christmas together. We always fight and break up around then. Its kinda sad. But hopefully thins year will be alittle different. Even if its not though, there’s always next year, I’m not going anywhere.

I love you more than any man on this earth Daddy, and nobody will ever be ble to take your place. I’ll always be right here waiting for you, no matter how long it takes. Every piece of me belongs to you, forever…