My boyfriend’s attorney filed a motion last week to get him released on his own recognizance and if that falls through, then his parents and I should have the money for his bond by Tuesday! So either way, I’m pretty sure he’ll be home before his birthday (September 5th) and that’s wondeful news. I miss him so bad its killing me. I’m going to go see him in alittle less than an hour and I’m really excited about that. This will be the first time I’ve ever gone to see him all by myself. His mom always takes me and we take turns talking to him, but tonight she doesn’t even know I’m going. This will be the first time I get to see him alone in alittle over a month. I just spent about 3 hours getting ready. The funny thing is, we’ll be talking through glass, so it really shouldn’t matter if I smell good or if my hair is perfectly parted in the back. But really this is the closest thing we get to having dates right now, and I want to look my absolute best for him. That’s the image of me he’s going to have in his mind, and if I take the extra effort and really wow him then it lets him know that I’m still waiting for him. If I just showed up wearing a ponytail and a t-shirt it would kind of be dissapointing.

I can’t wait til he gets home though. I’m going to make this the best birthday he’s ever had. He’ll definantly remember it lol. We’re going to have to be alot more careful though (read last week’s entries) because I want to be able to have afew years alone with him before we get to that part. Eventually I do want to have bunches and bunches of his adorable italian babies, but after we’re married.

Also, I want to go back to school. I want to be a daycare teacher. I love kids. My dad’s girlfriend was a daycare teacher and I used to go to work with her. It was actually alot of fun. I do alot of babysitting too. I think it would be something positive for me. I don’t just want him to support me all my life, that would make me feel really bad. If we end up in a situation where he’d be making enough money to support us comfortably then thats a different matter, but for now I’d like to work and help him raise the money to get us in our own house before the end of next year. That’s the plan at least.

So it looks like things are really looking up for us. I’m really thankful for that. Things we’re getting pretty difficult there for a second. I’m really lucky, and so is he. Hopefully he can appreciate the chance he’s been given. I think he does though, so I’m not going to be too hard on him just yet.

I love you with all my heart baby, and I miss you more than you could ever know. Even if you don’t get to come home any time soon, I’ll still be right here waiting for you. Every piece of me belongs to you, and nobody else. xoxo

Thank  the good lord! I was so scared! I mean, I love him and eventually we’ll have lots of adorable babies, but not while we’re so young! That’s just silly. We’re only 19 and 21 so yeah, not happening! I was 2 weeks and 3 days late but thank goodness thats over! I have never been happier to buy maxi-pads lol

And I got even better news today, my boyfriend will be home before FRIDAY!!!! I miss him so bad it hurts. I can’t sleep. But soon it will all be over and everything will be back to normal. Then we can focus on our stuff, get married, and have everything be as wonderful as we’ve been dreaming of. We’ll be our own family and nobody can tell us how to run our lives. We’ll be together in our own house and it will be AWESOME!

*I love you so much Baby and I can’t wait to see you! You’re always on my mind and you’ll always be my Dear Daniel!!!*

So after my boyfriend went to court, I told him whats’ been going on with me, and how I’m exceptionally ‘late to the party’. Late as in there might not be any more parties lol. He actually took it pretty well. When I told him I was crying and he said “baby calm down, this might be the best thing that could happen to us. This just gives us more reasons to get married.”

If he were still drinking and going crazy, he wouldn’t have said that. He wouldn’t say something like that just to humor me. So I really think he’s serious about wanting to settle down, and I’m very happy about this.

So if I am then at least I know we’ll be together through it. Maybe he’s right, maybe this is the best thing for us. It would give both of us some serious motivation to grow up, and that’s what we need. If we’re having a kid then we can’t just leech off of our parents forever.  That’s one of the mistakes my parents made, and it makes the kid think that the grandparents are really the ones in charge. It shouldn’t be like that, so if I am pregnant, then I swear to god I am not going to raise our children like my parents raised me. My kids are going to have a stable home life and not be moved all over town. My kids are going to be able to talk to me, and I’m actually going to listen to them. Things will work out either way….

I love you baby, with all my heart, and I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. <3

So my boyfriend went to court today and they didn’t send him to prison!!!!! Yay!!!!!! Here’s what happened : they revoked his probation and set a bond amount for him and gave him a court date in October. When he goes back to court in October he’s going to rehab. They’re basically waiting for a bed to open up, and that should be then.

But other than that there are other things to think about. I just told him today that I’m 2 weeks late. I was waiting til he went to court because I didn’t want to make him worry about two things at once. I’m not going to worry yet, because when I’m really stressed it makes me ‘late to the party’. One time I was 3 weeks late and it was the scariest time of my life. I even took a pregnancy test when it happened and it came up with this funky result. It had one and a half lines.lol But then right after I told him, I got my ‘monthly visitor’ the next day. So I’m hoping that I’m just late because of all the stress I’ve been having lately, even though I’ve been as sick as a dog and waking up twice a night to go to the bathroom. It really could just be stress though, so I’m not going to panic just yet. First I have to worry about my boyfriend.

So, good news and scary news from Camp Nip today. I’ll let you know what happens.

*I love you baby…*

So my boyfriend had court Wednesday and he scheduled a visit for me today so I could see him before he goes. I’m trying to be strong for him, but I’m so scared right now. Things have a tendancy to pile up on me. Like when something is going good, more good things will happen on top of it and make it totally awesome, or when things are not so good, bad things get piled on top of that to make it even worse. My cell phone got shut off and my grandma is still rubbing it in my face, and now I can’t find my cat either. I’ve had this cat since I was 6 years old and she’s like my best friend. I swear this cat can really understand me, she knows when I’m sad and always comes to lay with me. So on top of all that there’s him going to court. I just need alittle space to relax, but everone wants to get up in my face. I mean, its cool when people are concerned about me and stuff, but I don’t do really good under pressure and sometimes I snap at people when they ask me abunch of questions and pretend to care when I know that they all think I should have dumped him a long time ago.  I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, but that’s a perfect example. I just need alittle space because when I’m upset I have a tendancy to say things I really regret later. I just miss my boyfriend, thats all it is really. Nobody can understand what he does for me. I love that man with all my heart and nothng will ever change that.

 I love you baby, and I miss you so much <3

My boyfriend is going to court on Wednesday for them to decide if he’s going to prison or rehab. If he goes to prison he’ll be gone for three years, all the way upstate. When I went to go see him yesterday he said when he gets home he doesn’t even want to talk to any of his old friends and he asked me to delete his myspace too. He says he’s really serious about getting clean, and it actually sounds like he’s for real. I really hope so. I love him so much, and it kills me to see him doing this to himself. I’m not going to give up on him though, no matter what. We’ve been through too much for this to be the thing that ends it. I can’t let that happen. I really do love him with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Nobody else can ever make me feel the way he does, and I would never want anyone else to try. Nobody can fill his shoes, and they never will.

Baby I love you and I promise I’m waiting for you. <3

So every Thursday I drive up to the jail to go see my boyfriend, and for one reason or another somebody always wants to spit in my Cheerios. My grandparents have been out of town all week, and my cell phone got shut off while they were gone. As soon as they get back my grandma starts rubbing it in my face that hers still works. I was trying to be polite and not call her out on being so snobby, but then she starts bringing up how behind I am on my bills, and all this other stuff. All I wanted to do was go fix my makeup and she just kept calling me out of the bathroom to bring up more stuff. It probably sounds really petty to get upset about something that sounds so small, but when I get to go see my boyfriend I just want to have a good day. I wasn’t trying to fight with her, and I even cleaned up before she got home and she just sprung all this on me. It just gets to me sometimes. I’m really scared right now because my boyfriend hasn’t even been to court yet, and he might get three years. I guess I just want her to try to be alittle understanding of the things going on in my life right now. I really do try to be nice to my grandmother and help out around the house but she just has this knack for striking a nerve. I know shes letting me live in her house and all that, but its not fair for her to just hang that over my head, I am trying to get out of here but there’s only so much I can do right now. I dropped out of school, I’m epileptic so I can’t drive, I have no job experience, and I look like a 12 year old. Its kinda hard for me to find a job. Technically I do work, I sell Avon and make money off of that, but its not really enough. I have enough stress without her constantly reminding me of it.

I really shouldn’t complain though, all things considered I do have it alot better than I did 4 years ago. 4 years ago I was living with my father and basically running wild. Then I met my boyfriend and he got me out of all that, and now he’s gone and I’m all alone with my grandmother nagging at me and no money, possibly for the next three years of my life.

And I miss my boyfriend so bad it hurts. It feels like a hole in my chest, like I’m just hollow. I’m trying really hard to accept the situation, but its so hard to be away from the people you love. Especially when its as sudden as it was with us. He’s the only man I will ever love, I’ll never want anybody else as long as I live. I’ve been with him for three years and we’ve been through alot. People said we’d never make it, and that I’m a fool for letting him put me through this. But I know in my heart that he’s the man for me. He may not be perfect, but I know he loves me with all his heart, I know that man would die for me without a second thought. Even though he has his faults, he’s the most caring, wonderful, chivalrous man I have ever met, and he makes me feel like a princess. The day I met him was the happiest day of my life.

We met when I was 15 and he was 17. His mother worked at our school and I used to sit in the hallway in front of his mom’s office (before I knew who’s office it was, it was just a quiet place to sit) and one day he just came up to me and sat down next to me. The first thing I ever said to him was “hi, I love you” and then he put his arm around me and said “well I love you too sweetie” and we’ve been together ever since. I didn’t even know his name, but I was so drawn to him that I instantly knew I loved him. Alot of people don’t believe in love at first site, but that’s just because they’ve never experienced anything that beautiful. Nobody could ever replace my boyfriend, he’s the Dear Daniel to my Hello Kitty!!!!

Honey, I love you with all of my heart and soul, and no matter what happens in court I will always be right by your side. Nobody/nothing could ever come between us. <3

My birthday was last week and I got to go see my boyfriend. He’s doing really good, he looks like he’s lost some weight. He hasn’t gone to trial yet, but he thinks he has a good shot at rehab. (It’s either rehab or 2 years in prison) No matter what happens I’m still going to be with him. He needs me right now more than ever, and if I left him now I could never forgive myself for it.

I know he loves me, that’s not the question. the question is does he love himself enough to stop doing this stuff. He really is a good man, maybe this will give him a chance to prove himself. He keeps telling me that he wants to marry me when he gets home, and I think I’d be all for that. I know its not going to fix anything, and I’m not expecting it to. We really do love each other in spite of all the craziness and I just want to be with him. Really loving someone means accepting them for their faults. I’m not saying I approve of what got him in jail in the first place, I’m just saying that I’m not going to leave him for it.

Alot of people ask me why I’m still with him after all of the stuff we’ve been through. Its because we’ve been through so much that we stay together. You’re not supposed to just stop loving someone when you have a fight, you work through it and that’s what brings you closer. I can tell him things that I’ve never told anyone, and with him I feel free enough to do things I never thought I could. He’s my everything. I love him with all my heart and that will never change.

I love you with all my heart baby <3