The incident itself may been a lost memory, however its repercussions will remain for an eternity. It all began with a kiss…

In an Celestine Prophecy sort of way, I was exposed to a similar situation a few weeks earlier. I’m not referring to the DUI, I am referring to the kiss and the way in which a person tries to boss another.

I was leaving Julian’s house with Ralf when one of the girls at his house was dared by another to kiss a girl. I thought that it was silly, and rather immature that someone actually insisted on such an arbitrary dare. I however, didn’t place much emphasis on it side it wasn’t related to me directly and we had to go. At least that gave me the awareness that I would never want to do something just because I want avoid looking like a coward.

Hanging out with my co-workers was fun and interesting. We hung this Thursday night after work. It was Maria, Bezzle, myself and Nayvi. Since the restaurant Nayvi was being a dumb bitch. I can’t stand the sort of person that she is. She is ignorant (she really is), naïve,  bossy and superficial. The entire time she was teasing me about what I chose to order. Afterwards when we bought alcohol, she was calling Bezz names. I understand that maybe she didn’t mean to sound mean but that’s how she came across to me. I had already assessed the kind of person that she is and I was only waiting until the right time came to open my mouth.

We bought two bottles, a bottle of Hypnotic and a bottle of Sapphire Gin. We were drinking by the beach when Nayvii suggested “making a bet”. Ideally in a world where everything goes according to Nayvii’s plan, she would kiss who she wants and make fun of me & Maria for kissing each other. Safe to say that didn’t happen. I kept insisting that no, I didn’t want to do it about as often as she kept insisting that I was boring.

I’ve never been so blunt, consistently anyway, in my entire life. I straight up told her ass that there’s no reason why either Maria or me should do something that we don’t want to do just because she wants to kiss him. I said that more than once, and at one point I think my superior logic was kicking in. I basically in one way or another said through my actions, that I don’t care if you think that I’m boring just because I’m not doing something that you want me to do. I said some other things that would make an eavesdropper go, “oooooh”. Then in order to prove a point I suggested that everyone kiss everyone. The idea behind this was that she would chicken out much like I supposedly was. It worked. Her initial reaction was “hell nah”. That gave me the opportunity to respond by calling her boring, because she herself doesn’t want to do the very same thing she accused me of not wanting to do.

It did in someway backfire because I did end up doing something I really didn’t want to do, or actually had intentions of doing. There was only one person in the group who actually kissed everyone and that was Bezz. This seems petty in comparison to how the rest of the night went but I still can’t believe that I kissed him, enjoyed it, and got a kick of how into it he was. I didn’t enjoy it in the sense of, “omg he’s hot” because he’s ok. I don’t see him in that way. But I got a kick of how he responded, I guess it gave me an ego boost. And I guess that I enjoyed the fact that I actually did do it, and managed to successfully push the envelope. And sadly, that it was …. Someone else for once.

I don’t feel extremely guilty because it was something that wouldn’t have come up on my own- it was all that dumb bitch’s fault. Soon after her and Bezz left, probably to talk some mad shit about my ass I really don’t care. It was then that I decided to take this opportunity to vent about how retarded Nayvii had acted. I was successful in letting Maria know, that it wasn’t anything personal, I just really didn’t want to do something someone else said to. She was able to understand and I’m glad. I really didn’t want her to take it the wrong way, specially since were both put on the spot.

Soon after we went our separate ways, and driving home I got pulled over for reckless driving. It was the most surreal experience I’ve ever had. In hindsight I don’t remember the period from when I put my key in the ignition up until I saw the flashing lights in my rearview mirror. I failed the sobriety test, couldn’t successfully complete a single task. I didn’t want to fall victim to police’s known coercive tactics so I asked a lot of questions. The officer must have gotten annoyed so he added a ‘resisting arrest without violence’ charge. I puked when I was in the booking station. At least 3 times that I could remember. I took the breathalyzer test, and according to it, had a blood alcohol level of .175 or .178 (which is over the .08 legal limit). I was so numb to the entire situation. I didn’t cry, I didn’t think. I just told myself that it’s shitty these turn of events but I didn’t feel sorry. I had no remorse other then for who would really be hurt- my parents. I could care less what would happen to me, but I felt terrible for them. I just sat there dead, apathetic to all of my surroundings.

By the time I took the breathalyzer I was so out of it. I just did what was asked. Afterwards, I was taken to the actual detention center. I had my mug shot taken, and afterwards I was deposited into the misdemeanor holding cell. This is where the rest of my story begins, since I spent more time here then I have had anywhere else up until now.

It was about 15 hours that I spent which taught me two things. I was grateful that it was 15 hrs and not 21 days. 15 hrs felt like an eternity and there were people who spent months, years- life. If there is any distinction that could be made it is about the caliber of people, the difference between those who were in the cell, and those who were out.

The guards, or at least the employees, were terrible. The only reason why they would care whether someone lived or died was because they would be held liable. Understandably  it was a holding cell for prisoners, potential convicts, and criminals, but we never lost our humanity.

Some of the women in the cell were probably some of the coolest people I’ve ever met. This may be attributed in part due to the unique circumstances. It’s possible that all of us going through such a distraught experience allowed us to lower out guards to some degree. Maybe had I met anyone of them at a different point in time I’d had thought differently.

There is no sense of time there. The guards withhold information and just about anything they can from you. A small 9×10 cell housed at one point as many as 20-30 people for hours. For the first couple of hours I stood, immobile since it I only had a 1 foot space to myself. There was a cold, aluminum toilet in the corner which was exposed just like we were. It had a crappy faucet on the top- our only source for liquid. No toilet paper, no cups, no soup, no food until 1pm. I spent at least 10 hours unwillingly without food, and when it did come it was disgusting. Fortunately no one had to poop because that would’ve been bad. I was holding it for at least 5 hours until I was released with bond.

We kept ourselves entertained with conversation, with jokes and information about our own potential outcomes. I chose to spend my time realizing how much I missed Ralf. He was singlehandedly the one person I thought about more than anyone else. Regardless of how I may feel that our chemistry has… changed over the years I undeniable love him. I’m physically, emotionally, mentally and possibly spiritually attached to him. I couldn’t help but realize this as I waited. I just wanted to be able to feel his warmth; missed his scent. I missed, in such a short period of time, the comfort that only he could give me. Even his fuzzy beard, and his 5 o’clock shadow were things that I’ve grown so accustomed to. Consciously aware that I couldn’t speak to him, or hear his voice, or see his beautiful face was also excruciatingly painful.

It became so apparent to me how a person’s character is readily determined by their outlook on things, and how they choose to spend their time. Noticing the resilience in some women was inevitable. There was nothing to do there but wait, and wait we did. Some of the stories, although not ground-shattering definitely woke me up to reality. I was unaware of how badly people were treated in some of these places. And one of the girls made a very good point- they really do only have a job thanks to us.

I had no clue that my parents had bailed me out, until I found the bond receipt lying in the trash. They were there since 5am I think. The biggest sense of guilt and embarrassment came not when I realized I was arrested, and not even when I told Ralf but when I saw my father’s name and amount of money that he had paid to get me out- $2500. The look on their faces when I saw them as I got out of jail was intense. They looked so distraught. The worried expression on both of their faces was exploding out of them.

You have two options when your child is placed in a tough situation such as this. You can either respond proactively, or you can bitterly spite them for it. Those were the exact options that my father and my mother took, respectively. I will never have the relationship where I can tell anything openly to my mom. As a matter of fact, it’s a really sad, sick and disappointing feeling to know that she’s going to remember me for my mistakes and not for who I am- and there’s nothing I could do about it. Neither one of them will ever be able to understand, how I see the world, and how it could actually be considered a valid viewpoint. Neither one of them will ever be able to comprehend what makes me tick, what is lacking, why I do the things that I do, or why I make the choices I make. It’s unfortunately, beyond the scope of their socio-cultural upbringing.

I don’t blame them, I’m sure I would spite me too. I’m sure I’ll be confused when I’m 40 and I can’t understand how my kids could be so stupid. At least my dad knows I’m not a complete fool. He told me that I’m smart, and that instead of using my intelligence to help myself I use it to self-destruct. It was a brilliant thing that he said, because at times our own awareness of things, our awareness of how bleak our lives can be is a very discouraging thing. It’s the sort of thing that causes us to look elsewhere for answers. It leads us to do things that our inner strength would advise us never to do. It’s what we ignore when we’re spinning out of control. It’s the very thing that we deny when something in admittedly goes very wrong. But it’s also the very same thing that can get us out of the very same mess we got ourselves in. And remembering that is the most difficult, yet the best thing any damn smart person could do. Otherwise we’d lose our sense of hope.

I wrote my professor an email requesting to take a makeup exam right before I started to write this. It’s 5:47am, and I’ve been crying on and off. I thought it’d be best to be honest with her. She may understand, she might have gone through the same thing as me. After all, we’re all human and it doesn’t make us any less of a person. On the contrary, we learn from our mistakes, we make it a point to rise above the circumstances because we can.

At least I was able to go to work on Saturday. I was shitting bricks thinking I’d lose my job AND fail all my classes. Well… and now the other journey begins.