IT’S ALL IN MY HEAD
(http://blog.kuririnmail.com/raburabu_panda)
When you’re wondering what really goes on in my mind.

And suddenly, it hits me.

August 5th, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||mood: ~ worried||
||music: Friends - 大塚 愛||

This is going to be a little religious. So to those who are kind of annoyed by people who talk about religious stuff in their blogs, I don’t really think you should hang around in here.

Okay, now that it’s all clear…

It started last Friday. At youth fellowship, our speaker’s topic was about the signs of rapture. It was true; all the signs were starting to show up. Wars and rumors of wars, global warming, and all the other signs. He woke us up, saying that we should not be easy-breezy Christians who just share the Gospel when we feel like it, especially because we are still young.

He made us think about it: the approaching rapture, Christians suddenly disappearing, car and airplane crashes here and there, accidents, and all the other things that could happen. Especially to those who were unsure of their salvation.

Although that’s what he wanted us to think about, I was thinking of something else: I didn’t want Jesus to come get us just yet. Not when I haven’t done what I want to.

Yeah, please, rebuke me. Ask me if I’m really sure of my salvation or something, ‘coz I really think something’s wrong with me for thinking like that.

But seriously. I know it’s selfish, but…

I want to graduate from college. I want to experience what it’s like to teach, to educate. To give hope to special children. To earn my first salary and give it to my parents. To feel what it’s like to earn money myself and spend it the way I want to — whether for vanity, personal needs — any way I want to spend it.

I want to start dating after college. I want to experience what it’s like to go to movies together without worrying that I might bump into someone I know at the mall, that we might get discovered. I want to go driving together in his car. To do crazy things together. To watch a concert together. To go to Enchanted Kingdom together. Maybe even Disneyland Tokyo.

I want to cosplay some more. I want to work so hard that I would have more than enough money to spend for cosplaying. I want to be the apple of the photographers’ eyes on cons. I want to make a name in the convention industry, and make Koyama-look-a-like notice me, so that he’ll be so sorry he snobbed me when we were younger. I want to be even bigger than Alodia Gosiengfiao.

I want to go to Japan and settle there. Okay, maybe not yet settle, but I’ll see. I want to take lots of sticker photos and walk around Roponggi in really trendy Japanese street wear. I want to meet real gals. To be part of the live audience of Shonen Club (if they still have that show by the time I’m old enough to earn money to go to Japan). To watch 愛-ちゃん’s concert. To meet VKei guys. To feel what it’s like sleeping in capsule hotels. To go to Fujikyu Highlands with a kareshi.

Most of all, I want to feel contented. I don’t want to regret not being able to do this and that. I don’t want my ambitions to go to waste. I’m very ambitious, if you still can’t tell.

I know it’s going to be so much better in Heaven, with all my fellow brothers and sister in Christ glorifying God all day long, with all the angels, and with all the mansions He has prepared for us.

But somehow, I don’t want Him to come while I’m trying to fulfill my dreams. I know it’s so selfish and un-Christian-like, but I really wish He’d let me reach all my goals first, and make my ambitions reality.

Seriously, someone please give me a sermon-y comment. I know there are a lot of Christians out there reading my blog, so I hope you guys can help me.

Here we go again.

June 24th, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||mood: ~ seriously sad||

||music: Tsumetai Hana - the brilliant green||

I can’t believe myself. I really can’t.

I thought I told myself I’d stop liking him. I thought I’d decided to set him free. And I thought I could handle it.

I was SO wrong.

After being in America for more than a month (and therefore not seeing him as well), I thought I had more than enough time to completely get over my decision to let him go.

That decision was extremely painful. I had to pretend that I didn’t appreciate anything he was doing to let me know just how much he cared for me, when the truth was I really did. He will never know about that warm feeling that spread throughout my chest everytime he did acts that told me he remembered me in everything he did.

I had to drive him away. I couldn’t stand to see him wait that long. Even though he told me he could wait until I graduate from college, I still knew he wasn’t Superman. He’d grow weary. And I didn’t want to see him like that.

So I pretended I didn’t like him anymore. It was so painful. And I had the strength to admit it really was only now. I hated how he had to ask if it was because of Vernon. And I hated how his friend (who was my friend too) told me that he suffered. He cried. I felt so guilty, but I kept my chin up, forcing myself to think that it was his fault I dumped him. That a guy like him didn’t deserve me. I was so arrogant, telling all my fiends how I triumphantly dumped him. And I was such a liar too, telling them how relieved, that I finally felt like a burden was lifted off of me. I was smiling defiantly, but my heart was silently weeping inside.

So he started trying to get over me by falling in love all over again. And he succeeded. The girl he pursued fell for him as well, and they’re now in a relationship where they’re “more than best friends, but not quite lovers yet”. The exact same relationship we had, before I ruined everything.

I want to tell him how much I miss him. I want to let him know that I still love him, as much as I first started loving him. I want him to see that it hurts when he texts his girl in front of me. That it hurts when I remember how she hangs out at his house a lot. That it hurts that I just realized he has completely gotten over me. I want to be able to go out with him without the fear of being seen and caught. I want to bring him to a convention where we both cosplay and hold hands the whole time.

But most of all, I just want him to stop and think if I’m still in his heart. Because he is in mine, now matter how much I try to deny it.

No matter how much I bash him in front of my friends, which made them think that he is such a jerk. Which he is not.

No matter how many guys I try to fill my thoughts with. No matter how many bishies I fangirl over.

No matter how much I convince myself that he might not be God’s will for me after all, he is still in my heart.

And it hurts. Big time.

I’m NAO from alice nine?!

May 21st, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

Which member of Alice Nine are you?


Nao desu! ^-^You are rather shy, but you can be quite outgoing, when *you* choose the time and place to be.
Take this quiz!


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Wow. Didn’t expect that.

Fei Lun Hai =3

April 29th, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||mood:  ~ bored||
||music: NEGLEST MIND - MIKA NAKASHIMA||

Well, guess what? Latest boom again. Tee-hee. *^__^*

Okay, so if you guys were wondering why I suddenly put up a music video of Zen Me Ban, well it’s because I’ve recently been watching this TWDrama, Hua Yang Shao Nian Shao Nu, or Hana Kimi to others. And wow, it’s really =^__^= *makes up for loss of words by smiling brightly*

 I have to admit, I don’t like Ella. Well, I like her as a S.H.E. member, but as for her acting in Hana Kimi, well I must say it’s not the best. Though I admire her for being good at making weird faces (without worrying over losing her grace and poise — like most actresses I know), she has a lot of room for improvement.

But the story — oh, the story! And I must say Wu Zun is adorable when he smiles his tight-lipped smile, and when he steals glances. =3 It’s so cute. But off the HanaKimi set, it’s Jiro I wub best among all the members of Fei Lun Hai. x3

I can’t help but wish that Jiro would star in a drama where he’s the leading man and he plays a really cool role. ^_^ He does make me laugh in HanaKimi, but he looks like a plain loser sometimes. So did he in ISWAK.

Anyway, I just dropped by today to put up a video of Chao Xi Huan Ni. It’s been on my mind. The tune’s pretty catchy, ne?

Although this time, I won’t be putting up lyrics. *^_^* Laziness really seeps in through me sometimes. xD


Online Videos by Veoh.com

Looking back, I remember thinking to myself that I’d probably stop liking C-Music. The last time I remember getting hooked on ‘em was when I was addicted to At the Dolphin Bay (starring Angela Zhang, Ambrose Hsu, and Wallace Huo). I can still remember singing, “Wo shi zhong dai zhe ni ai de wei xiao, yi lun xang xun zhao wo yi shi de mei hao..” to myself in the shower. LOL :) So anyway, I stopped liking them (C-Music, that is) after deciding it sounds stupid and too nasal. Plus the fact that I started getting hooked to J-Music (and still am now).

But Zen Me Ban and Chao Xi Huan Ni really get to me. I dunno why. *shrugs* Well, except for the fact that I can really relate to that song by S.H.E., I can’t think of any other reason. Oh, probably because they’re catchy. Ne?

So for now, I’ll forget what I said about C-Music and enjoy these songs. xD

Last Song Syndrome. @___@

April 27th, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||MOOD:  pretty content ~pretty contented||
||MUSIC: Sakuranbo - Otsuka Ai|| 

Zen Me Ban (What to Do) - S.H.E.


Online Videos by Veoh.com
This song has been stuck on my mind lately. Always playing in my head. Zen Me Ban - What to Do?
S.H.E

zen me ban Oh zen me ban

wei shen me ni wei shen me 
lao shi ba kong qi quan dou xi guang le
hai de wo ni hai de wo
zai ni mian qian hu xi ji cu xu yao jiao jiu hu che
bie kan wo xian bie kan wo  
wo de lian hong jiu kuai yao bao liao le
me shen me na you shen me  
wo shi jue dui bu hui cheng ren wo xi huan ni le

zen me ban gan jue tian you suan  
tou tou ai ni kuai le you gu dan
zen me ban ai que bu neng jiang
ni zhen tao yan bu lai bang wo de mang
zen me ke yi zhe yang
xiao rong da bai tai yang
shen zi bi wo hai yao gen hao kan
wo sui ran wu li di dang
dan shi ri zi hai chang
zong you yi tian huan ni wei wo feng kuang

wei shen me ni wei shen me  
zhe yang bu jiang li de jiu chu xian le
hai de wo ni hai de wo  
lian jin you de yi dian jin chi you ya quan dou hui le
kao jin wo bie kao jin wo  
dao di li ni duo jin bi jiao hao ne
wan dan le wo wan dan le
wo zheng ge ren yan kan jiu kuai yao bu shi wo de le

zen me ban gan jue tian you suan  
tou tou ai ni kuai le you gu dan
zen me ban ai que bu neng jiang
ni zhen tao yan bu lai bang wo de mang

ni zen me ke yi zhe yang
xiao rong da bai tai yang
shen zi bi wo hai yao gen hao kan
wo sui ran wu li di dang
dan shi ri zi hai chang
zong you yi tian huan ni wei wo feng kuang
wei wo feng kuang

zen me ban gan jue tian you suan  
tou tou ai ni kuai le you gu dan
zen me ban ai que bu neng jiang
ni zhen tao yan bu lai bang wo de mang

zen me ban gan jue tian you suan  
tou tou ai ni kuai le you gu dan
zen me ban ai que bu neng jiang
ni zhen tao yan bu lai bang wo de mang
ni zen me ke yi zhe yang
xiao rong da bai tai yang
shen zi bi wo hai yao gen hao kan
wo sui ran wu li di dang
dan shi ri zi hai chang
zong you yi tian huan ni wei wo feng kuang

zen me ban gan jue tian you suan  
tou tou ai ni kuai le you gu dan
zen me ban ai que bu neng jiang
ni zhen tao yan bu lai bang wo de mang

zen me ban gan jue tian you suan  
tou tou ai ni kuai le you gu dan
(ni zen me ke yi zhe yang)
(xiao rong da bai tai yang)
(shen zi bi wo hai yao gen hao kan)
zen me ban ai que bu neng jiang
ni zhen tao yan bu lai bang wo de mang
(wo sui ran wu li di dang)
(dan shi ri zi hai chang
(zong you yi tian huan ni wei wo feng kuang)

zen me ban gan jue tian you suan  
tou tou ai ni kuai le you gu dan
zen me ban ai que bu neng jiang
ni zhen tao yan bu lai bang wo de mang

Translation:

What should I do? Oh, what should I do?

Why, why do you 
always suck up all the oxygen?
Causing me, you’re causing me
to breathe so fast I needed an ambulance.
Don’t look at me, don’t look at me just yet 
My face is turning red, it’s giving me away.
It’s nothing, how can there be anything?  
I will never admit I like you.
What should I do? The feeling is sweet yet sour,  
Secretly loving you is happy yet lonely.
What should I do? I can’t confess my love
You’re so annoying; you’re not helping me at all.

How can you be like this?
Your smile surpasses the brightness of the sun!
You’re even prettier than I am.
I don’t have the will to resist you,
But we still have time.
One day, it’ll be your turn to be crazy about me.
Why? Why do you 
have to appear at this unreasonable time?
Causing me, you’re causing me
to lose the little restraint and gracefulness I have.
Come near me, don’t come near me!  
How far should I be away from you?
Oh no, I’m dead!
It’s like I’m losing myself.

What should I do? The feeling is sweet yet sour.  
Secretly loving you is happy yet lonely.
What should I do? I can’t confess my love.
You’re so annoying; you’re not helping me at all.

How can you be like this?
Your smile surpasses the brightness of the sun!
You’re even prettier than I am.
I don’t have the will to resist you,
But we still have time.
One day, it’ll be your turn to be crazy about me.
Be crazy about me.

What should I do? The feeling is sweet yet sour.  
Secretly loving you is happy yet lonely.
What should I do? I can’t confess my love.
You’re so annoying; you’re not helping me at all.

What should I do? The feeling is sweet yet sour.  
Secretly loving you is happy yet lonely.
What should I do? I can’t confess my love.
You’re so annoying; you’re not helping me at all.

How can you be like this?
Your smile surpasses the brightness of the sun!
You’re even prettier than I am.
I don’t have the will to resist you,
But we still have time.
One day, it’ll be your turn to be crazy about me.
What should I do? The feeling is sweet yet sour.  
Secretly loving you is happy yet lonely.
What should I do? I can’t confess my love.
You’re so annoying; you’re not helping me at all.

What should I do? The feeling is sweet yet sour.  
Secretly loving you is happy yet lonely.
(How can you be like this)
(Your smile surpasses the brightness of the sun!)  
What should I do? I can’t confess my love.
You’re so annoying; you’re not helping me at all.
(You’re even prettier than I am.)
(I don’t have the will to resist you,)
(But we still have time.)
(One day, it’ll be your turn to be crazy about me.)

What should I do? The feeling is sweet yet sour.  
Secretly loving you is happy yet lonely.
What should I do? I can’t confess my love.
You’re so annoying; you’re not helping me at all.

*^__^* Vacation drabbles

April 24th, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||MOOD: haggard T_T ~ haggard||

||MUSIC: You’ve Got a Friend ~ YUKI||

Woah! My last post was on April 6th!

 I guess I can say I was sort of “in a slump”. Everytime something happened, I always kept telling myself to write it here, but I end up dwelling on depressing things again. So I end up not posting it. And not only does that happen when I blog, but also when I write my fanfics. I never get anything finished.

 So to celebrate regaining my youth (LOL this totally sounds like something Sakaki Makio *My Boss My Hero J-dorama* would say xD), here I am. TADAIMA!~

So…

Let’s get back to the title of my post. I’m currently here at Nolensville, TN. Which was a long, long journey from where I come from *Philippines*

God, the trip was something! Check out what it had made of me *see my mood*. We had three flights all in all, one international flight (from Manila, Philippines to San Francisco Airport) and two connecting flights (from SF to Houston, then from Houston to Nashville). Totally exhausting. I did some calculations, and figured out it took us almost two days just travelling. I was irked by the fact that I was wearing the same clothes (and same undies! O___O) for two consecutive days.

 And damn, was it hard to transfer from plane to plane. And don’t get me started on trying to get some sleep during the flights. *rolls eyes*

But when we *finally* got here to Nolensville, I was like, “Lord, forget about me grumbling about the exhausting trip! This house is paradise!” xDDDDD

Allow me to brag. Here in Nolensville lives my uber-rich uncle and his family. Ahh, just staying at their house is heaven. I would prefer it over a five-star hotel. Seriously! *^_^*

 Their fridge is overflowing with awesome stuff, and we can get anything we want anytime! Talk about freeloading! Ahh.. kimochi na~ *^_^*

Well, thats the report for today. I’ll try to post some pictures when I get some sleep. Because I seriously haven’t goten any yet. T__T

 Thank you for always leaving comments! You don’t know how loved I feel when I read them. *glomps everyone* 

 Must. Get. Some. Sleep!

I’m moving on. I’m going to be happy.

April 6th, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||MOOD:  ~ in deep thought||

||MUSIC: Wish (English Version) - Olivia Lufkin||

The reason why I haven’t been posting for so long is because I know that each time I post, I dwell on my problems. Which is so not healthy. Ne?

My high school life has officially ended. I have a lot of regrets regarding our farewell party. Almost half of our class couldn’t come,  and I didn’t get to say goodbye properly. I want to rewind the time a bit, but I can’t.  So to all you high school kids out there, make sure you don’t regret a single thing in your high school life. Or else it will haunt you. Just kidding. ^__^

This April 20-something we’re going to the US for vacation. It’s my first time going out of the country. I’m pretty much looking forward to it.

I’m also looking forward to college. I swear to myself that I will no longer bother myself about being worried on not having a decent lovelife. Anyways, being single can be fun, ne? No commitments. Freedom! Weeee!~~ ^__^~

I have a feeling this post bores you. So gomen, ok? *bows*

Preparations for next week’s bet.

March 23rd, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||MOOD: ~ glad||

Got some cheering up. My good friend k-role at Jdorama.com forums made me some Kanata Hongo sigs. They really made me feel better. I was feeling like crap a short while ago. *shows off the sigs*

Good ones, nee? +^^+

So anyways, while me and my friends were hanging out here at home, I was yet again complaining about Wesley ignoring me. Although they didn’t tell me, I could tell they were beginning to get sick about me whining about my pointless lovelife. How? Because out of the blue, Maggie asked me if I could handle not talking about anything related to my lovelife or even mention my crushes’ names for only a week.

It got me thinking for a few seconds, but I accepted the bet. I’m actually looking forward to it. Maybe not talking about them will make me stop thinking about them, or maybe even forget them, even only for a week. I think it’s healthy too. Nee? +^^+

 I will SURELY do my best not to mention anything about them. At all.

Angry for so many reasons.

March 23rd, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||MOOD: ~ sad||
||MOOD: ~ hurt||
||MOOD: ~ offended||
||MOOD: ~ angry||
||MOOD: ~ bummed||

Yup. Multiple moods. I knew I couldn’t be satisfied with just one.

I’m angry at Wesley for making me miss him like crazy and at the same time making me wish he would just die. How could he not come to school for three days in a row and on the fourth day come back and completely ignore me?! What kind of guy tells you he wants to kiss you and asks you to go out with you then ignores you like you were some weed on the sidewalk?! He totally toyed with my feelings and I so want to hit him. You know how it feels like when you’ve totally made eye contact with him but he pretends not to see you? *fuming with anger*

I’m angry at myself for acting so foolish, stupid, naive, gullible and predictable. I think I was being easy too. Although I never told him that I would like to go out with him, I think it shows. And why the hell do I miss him?! I miss him so much it hurts. While watching 1% of Something I keep remembering him when I see Kang Dong-Won. It really kind of sucks.

I’m angry at myself too, because I’m so anxious to be loved. Why do I want a kareshi at once, when I know that God has someone out there for me already? Why do I have to go through so much pain, when all I have to do is ask God to take good care of my destined one while waiting for him to come up to me? And why am I anxious to be loved, when I’m already surrounded by people who love me? And why do I contradict the truth, even when I know I’ll end up hurting myself? What’s wrong with me?

Read my mood.

March 20th, 2007 by raburabu_panda:kuririnmail.com

||MOOD: bummed||

AAAAAAAAH! Mendokuseeeeeee naaaaaaaaaaaa!

I still have to study for our Calculus test, and have to memorize Psalm 27 and Ephesians 6 too! >.<

Plus, my DVD cloning software isn’t cooperating! I promised my friends I’d give their DVDs before this week is over, but I don’t think that’s possible now. *sob* I hate disappointing my friends.

Another reason to be bummed: Wesley.

And who is he?

Yeap, you got it, he’s mentioned in my previous post. Wesley is the guy who helped me forget about Vernon. And yeap, I’ve forgotten about Vernon. Mostly, I think.

Wesley is my friend and batchmate. We were classmates in second year high school (I’m only in fourth year high school now). Back in second year, we were really close and I really felt we had a connection, but I ignored it since he had a girlfriend that time.

Then in third year (when he had a girlfriend named Joyce) he admitted to me he used to like me when we were in second year, but I didn’t have regrets (coz remember, in third year I was so helplessly falling for Vernon).

But now, I’m starting to like him again.

I’m not gonna explain why anymore, because honestly, it’s a long long story. Plus I think you guys are getting tired of me falling in and out of love. No, wait; I don’t think it’s love yet.

I guess I can say I was infatuated with Vernon. And I think I am infatuated with Wesley right now. Sigh. It sucks cuz I don’t even know if he’s serious about wanting to go out with me or not.

Let me start from the beginning so you don’t go (o.O)

Wesley and I remained friends (although I can’t say ‘close’) even up to fourth year. He has this habit of going to our classroom just to bother us (remember, he used to belong in the star section - in second year. Not to brag, but I was in the star section from first to fourth year) or say hi and stuff. And we so appreciate his presence.

I don’t know when we started to get close again, but it was probably because circumstances ‘forced’ us to be together. Like in that time when we were assigned to be dance partners for field demonstration. Then in my friend Mafi’s birthday where we took her little sister for a ride around the village and he was driving ad he asked me to come with him. It was only the two of us in the car (excluding Mafi’s little sister of course ^^) and I was watching him drive and he looked so…

I can’t describe it, but I just started to fall for him all over again. Then I began thinking about my list (of the qualities I want my boyfriend to have). He’s awesome at basketball (he won MVP in this year’s intramurals ^^), he’s awesome at playing the guitar (his band won the Battle of the Bands this year ^^), he has a very Asian face, and his sense of humor is just so XDDDD. Hmm.. let me review the list some time. I’ll see what other categories he”l fit in as well ^__^

So anyway, just last week, he randomly whispered to me, “Popo hagoshipa.” Which is how you say “I wanna kiss you” in Korean. When I told this to my friends, they were all like, “Eeeeeeeeeeeehhh?! Seriously?!” and kept wooting like crazy.

Then once, in YM, he asked me if I wanted to go out with him sometime. I thought he was kidding so I played on and even told him where I want to go and what I want to do. When I told him I thought what he asked me was a joke, he got a little offended, which made me think he was serious.

The next day (at school), he started ignoring me! (well, not really ignoring… he’d talk to me when I call him.) But in the following days, he came back to how he was with me. I don’t know what’s up with him; when I’m the one who’s coming up to him, he shoves me away. But when he’s the one who’s coming up to me, he wants my full attention. It’s annoying, and at the same time, pretty embarrassing.

But I think I would like to go out with him. <3

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