Oh my goodness, everyone…

Today, my soul has been imprinted with college reality.

And everyone?

I do not like it.

The campus was beautiful, the buildings big– and the overall size?  It’s huge, like it’s own city~

But there were a few things wrong, things that I noticed immediately.

First, it should be known that here in America, college is a joke. The kids go there, fresh “adults”, drink under-aged until they make themselves sick (in dorm rooms, sidewalks, showers, ect), and stumble into class the next day with headaches.

I’m not like that at all. I’m not. I am a serious student, who goes to school to learn. I want to make friends, but I don’t see how drinking and partying is “fun”. And I will not, and never will do such things.

To me, that is low, low behavior, and is hardly even comprehensible.

But…maybe I was naive…I knew that a lot of people did those kinds of horrible, horrible things, but I thought, that maybe it wasn’t that noticeable. Or maybe that those types of things did happen, but there would be kids that didn’t, and I would be friends with them.

But I was wrong. While I was there, I saw a vomit spot on the sidewalk, and that same distinct smell coming out of more than one trashcan. All of the kids were the same, and that couldn’t have been more obvious.

In short? I don’t belong in college. I am way too young. I am way to inexperienced and naive. And I am way too mature.

~~~~

I looked really ugly compared to all of those pretty college girls, who were all dressed up. And I felt even worse because my hair needs to be cut. And dyed. It looks horrible now!

My self esteem can’t handle seeing other girls…. It makes me fall back into bad habits…

But…  Finding friends at college? It’ll never happen. My age is the first strike against me, but even after that…. I will never be able to find a friend there.

It’s funny… because I like to think that I am very similar to everyone else. But today I realized just how different I am. How little I have in common with everyone around me. 

And that’s another reason, I guess.

~~~~~~~~~

I don’t belong in college. I don’t even know if I belong in the outside world. It’s just… so so bad… it’s nothing like I expected it to be.

I don’t belong there. I don’t want to go…

I feel like such a child…*cries*

Today, I was in a really good mood. Even though my mother is so mad at my sister and I for going away to college soon, she literally can’t go a day without causing an argument, or stomping around, or hiding away.

I was okay, and was brushing it all off.

Though somewhere, sometime… I’m thinking that it was around the time when I asked my mother about my birthday. She had promised me a trip then canceled it, and for that, I expected her to at least try to make it up to me. 

So when I asked, “… Mommy? Are we doing anything for my birthday…?”

*silence*

“…Mom?”

*silence*

“Because—”

“Just figure out what you want to do and tell me.”

And that was it. She didn’t care enough to make plans for my birthday at all. She really doesn’t care.

And after that, I got a little upset, and hid in the shower for a long time. And somewhere in that time, I got really depressed about my looks, and my weight, and… everything else.

What did I do to be treated like this… I’m not a bad daughter…

And I look horrible~! I can hardly stand looking at myself~! 

Because, I mean, who doesn’t love China?

I have always loved China, even as a child. My favorite book was “Chinese Cinderella” (which is a beautiful story, by the way, you should read it~) after all, and I constantly read books like that.  I jumped on  anything that looked even remotely Chinese too, and begged my mother for it.

I am trying to learn Chinese now. Because I mean, like I said, I did my absolute hardest this time not to become to attached or dependent on anything.

And believe it or not, but I am actually happy about this. All of the feelings of being unsure and regret from before are gone, and I am almost completely behind my new decision. I am happy about it.

Confident, even.

Not to mention, but I’ve gotten really good cards about this, unlike Japan, and the cards never lie, you know.

Besides… It’s silly for me to have an “ignorance is bliss” attitude about Japan. If something is staring at me in the face, I shouldn’t ignore it. I have thought about it a lot, and this isn’t at all impulsive. Ignoring it isn’t right. And it isn’t smart.

And it will hurt me in the end.

So my new decision?   I’m happy about it, and confident about it.

A new chapter, with a new hope.

It will work out, and I will be happy.

I am sure of it.

We bought a new car, did I tell you?

It’s temporary, just until the beginning of the year, so it’s not the best…  If I’m being honest, it’s kind of ugly… But we got a car, and we’ve been driving a rental car for the whole year now, so.. I’m happy, just for that. 

But we drove it off the lot, and it immediately began to… um… Well…

• The brakes squeaked
• The battery seemed unreliable

So my mom called the dealership, and threatened to turn them into the sheriffs office (apparantly, it’s against the law to sell a car with faulty breaks) and bullied them into paying for the repairs.

So… hopefully that turns out okay. 

I have things to write about… but I’m not really in the mood for posting tonight, I’m sorry. *is guilty*

Oh… did I tell you?

My family won’t do anything for my sweet sixteen. With the money it will cost for three members of the family to go off to college, it’s silly to spend close 5,000 on a trip. So… No. Nothing. 无.

Or… for now, at least…

Um…. I’m an over-analytical type person, so maybe I look into these things way too deeply.

Now, when you consider another country’s culture, I think you are supposed to know about it and respect it… not… um… Completely mold yourself to fit it.

But… um… that’s what I have been doing…

And I think that, in part, has made me loose my “drive” about Japan…

I think I’m so so self conscious that I feel like if I ever went to another country, I would concentrate on nothing else but trying to appear as “perfect”, as not to embarrass myself.  

And…. I feel like if I ever went to Japan, I would have to try to act perfect. All of the time. And the idea of that is draining and slightly crushing to me…

Is everyone like that, I wonder?

But… yeah…. I mean, I still really really love Japan. I do…. It’s just…. I’m afraid I’ll be disliked, or I’ll be so self conscious that I’ll feel like I’m acting the whole time… 

*mini sigh*

But I’m still going for it.  I’m just a little discouraged, that’s all…

ありさは実践の日本語です。これの宿題のありさです。

こちらは教室。教室の中では二寿一いすです。二寿一机ですも。教室の中であるアメリカ人殻です。教室の中であるアメリカ人ですも。でも、あるは日本人、と韓国人、と中国です。こちらは大きい教室です。

コースはとても簡単なと難しいことも。でも、彼らは楽しい全部。

アリサにとって、アリサは教室は一の学生です。アリサは教室の中で家です。でも、そのためには、アリサは嬉しいです。大好きです。

That’s it for now. I’ll do more later on~ ne?

I’ve been busy today, because I got my textbooks. I am busy, busy~ 

At this second, I am making my midterm. Or more, taking everything that I already have and typing it out. Because I have to send it to UC soon…

It is tedious work, believe me. 

Oh! But today I made a decision. I have decided that I will be open to all opportunities when it comes to my future International Business career, and I will prepare with that in mind.

All this time, I have had my heart set on only Japan, but I am broadening my mind. I want to learn a little bit of a lot of languages, so maybe I can travel to China or Korea or India, or Thailand, or… well, anywhere really. 

But Japan is still my absolute preferred choice. 

People have been doing this to me a lot, and it’s kind of upsetting me so…

But… I’m a bit of a listener, you know? Here in the real world, when people talk to me, I listen completely and answer people from my heart. I listen and genuinely care about what they are saying. 

But whenever I talk to a lot of people, my sister Lisa and my new friend in particular, my words are tossed aside with an uncaring “oh”. 

Particularly with the things that I like… for example:

• “This is a song I like, what do you think of it? ^^”
• *hardly a moment later*
• “Oh.”
  
• “You see, I was thinking about this, and I wasn’t sure about it at first… but I didn’t realize how much it fit me. ^^”
• “Oh.”

And you really have to bear in mind that I hardly talk at all. Even in my own house. And it kind of like… really hurts my feelings when people do that.

I mean, it sends me the message that I am saying something so stupid that it shouldn’t even be acknowledged.

And since it is only said when I talk about things that I like, it makes me question myself as a person. Like… maybe I shouldn’t like this or If people knew more about the things that I like, they wouldn’t like me, or even, People don’t care about me enough to care about the things that I like or the things that I say. 

I mean, I don’t talk at all to begin with, and the more people do this, the more I loose the confidence and even the will to speak. 

I’m looking into Buddhism, did you know? I stumbled across it in one of my textbooks, and there was a section of the chapter devoted to it… and I liked it… so I’m looking into it…

…Which… is kind of another way of saying, “I want to be a Buddhist, but I have to be more educated on it first.” *wishes she  had more time*

It’s kind of funny, because whenever it came to personal beliefs in me, I never can stick with anything.  That sounds strange… no…it’s just… 

I am easily convinced. In other words, if I were to believe something, anyone could tell me, “that’s stupid” or “that’s wrong” and give me a reason for it, and I would automatically duck my head and say, “you’re right”.  That easily.

I don’t have enough confidence to have confidence in my decisions. I guess in my subconscious mind, I figure that…  If I believe it, then it has to be wrong. Strange, huh?

But… I’m trying to get over that. Little by little. 

Now, one of two things could be happening to me at the second.

1. I could be being ridiculously hard on myself, and because of my self hatred, I want to punish myself as much as possible, by telling myself that I am a horrible person. That I am horribly mean and unbearable to be around. That everyone else is kinder than I am… and that it needs to be fixed.
2. Or…. I really could be as mean as I think I am. I could be unfriendly and cold, and lots of other bad things… and it could need fixing. And that it is not good, and that it is the reason for a lot of things, and that… I am an even worse person for not realizing it sooner.  Though, I’m assuming this is the truth. 

It has me a little sad… but… instead of crying about it… I should just fix it. I am a horrible person, so… I just need to try harder, that’s all… 

That’s all…

I can worry about what everyone thinks/has thought about me later… just… not now… 

I wrote another essay today, for college applications *teardrop* My other one was super bad, so this one will hopefully turn out better… how I got the will to write it though, is totally beyond me.

Tonight was kind of bad though…Well, first my sister noticed. She asked me if I was feeling okay because she said my lips looked blue… I didn’t really think anything of it, but later through the day, it started. I have been dizzy all night… And I’ve been eating enough, so I don’t know what’s going on…

I’m better now, though. 

Um…

Oh.

I had a bit of a strange dream last night, and it has put me in a bit of a strange mood tonight. In other words, a depressed reminiscent mood. 

I think I’m getting depressed again… slowly but… definitely….If I wasn’t so depressed at the second, I would care.  

What is it about today, I wonder? Maybe it’s in the stars?

Oh. So it is. Figures…

“Dwelling on past reputations”, hmm?

Oh. But I got my textbooks today. The one I am working on now is pretty boring, and I enjoy all types of learning, so that’s pretty bad, I think… but… maybe once I get further in history it will get better. After all, “prehistory” isn’t the most stimulating chapter, huh? 

I’m slightly exhausted… I guess mourning over the loss of my college hopes drained all of the life out of me… *sighs*
Si allí es alguno esperanza, voy a dormir para siempre. Pero… tal vez sólo esta noche estoy muy triste.
Poco a poco voy perdiendo mi voluntad. Creo que me rindo.
Con todo lo.
おやすみなさい… All this will go away in the morning, I guess.

Everyone, do you now how much college costs?

Well did you know that the government financial aid hardly goes over 5,000 dollars?

And did you know that most colleges only give you only an additional 5,000 in their financial aid?

And the rest has to come out in student loans.

But nowadays, did you know that to get those loans, you either need

1. A cosigner
2. A job

Well, I had told my mother the realities of college cost a million times. But my mother is not very smart, and she ignored me completely.

Well when the reality hit her last night, every single thing that I had planned has been crushed.

No, I’m being serious.

In short?

I will now live in an apartment with my 23 year old sister Lisa. In Arizona, where the school she wants to go to is. That way, her and I will get in state tuition.

I put on a brave face to her, but I’m really upset. I do not want to go to ASU. Do you know what that school is? It’s a party school, a place where everyone gets drunk and does bad things. It has a horrible reputation.

The only reason I considered it, even for a second, was if I did really bad on my ACTs (which I didn’t). Because they accept close to 90% of all applicants.

I’ll never be able to get a good job graduating from there! Never! I don’t want to go to that school!

I hate my life! Why did it have to be me!?

I knew I would get them last night! I knew it!

So I stayed up, and at around two thirty or so, they were there. 

Well, are you curious, a little bit? Ha ha. Alright, alright, I’ll say. But only because I have no shame. (Seriously..) 

Before I show you, I’ll let you know, my score is average.

Average. Average. Average. Average.

Actually one point above average~! 

And in honesty, I was expecting something lower than that, so I’m happy. After all, I am only fifteen right now~! And I’m no good at giant timed examinations, so I can only expect so much of me under pressure. 

Ready? Here:

It’s my math score that ruined everything, as I could have gotten a fairly high score, but… I don’t care!

Because I can get into all of the schools I want to now, everyone~!

Here, here, come look:

But everyone, everyone~! I got through the ACTs with an above average score! I didn’t completely fail it~! 

Cheer with me~! I’m happy~! Yay, yay, yay~!

I’m still waiting on my writing scores… but… but… I got through this okay. I have a good enough score to get into college, everyone. I did it… 

みんなさん、　今日　は　あたし　は　うれしい　です~！

Everyone, today I am happy~! I know, I know, it’s a first huh? 

Demo, demo, I don’t care, tee hee.

Last night, my sister and I watched a cute movie together. We had a lot of fun together.

And that’s not what made me cheerful, I don’t know what it was. 

Because I’ve gotten fatter, (I think… I lost my period again, but I can tell I’ve gained a little…) and I’m not upset about it.

And my hair is getting blonder by the second, and I’m not crying over it anymore. (Hair dye it is~!)

And… and… I still don’t know my ACT scores yet, and I still have a bunch of schools to apply to, but I’m not upset. 

Huh, I wonder is this is some kind of numb, silly, happiness?

Well, I don’t care, because I am  happy nonetheless~!

My sister Lisa and I were supposed to have a fun night tonight… She was mad at me and didn’t talk to me for a few days, so today was a better day, because she spoke to me again.

I don’t think she realizes the punishment that she gives me when she does that. I have no one to talk to and nothing to do… so those days of silence crush my soul… 

But… She feels sick, and is super tired, so I told her to go ahead and go to bed, and we can do it tomorrow… I want her to feel better…

But I’m upset…

I guess it’s just because I am ridiculously lonely and bored… Just like last night on “repeat”. Even my shopping trip today didn’t help… 

My mother isn’t hispanic at all, so even though I am. But since my father is gone, I guess she never really thought that having a Quinceañera would be important to me at all. 

But that never meant that I didn’t want one. My culture is still important to me, and I wish that I embraced it a little  more. I wish that she would too.

That’s why, as I am planning for this traditional sweet sixteen, I am reminded that I never got to have a Quinceañera at all… and that I wish I could have had my Quinceañera instead of this sweet sixteen.

It’s not like I have friends that I could invite… but… but… I could wear a beautiful dress and I could get my last doll, have a tiara, a ceremony, and put on heeled shoes, and… and… so many other things.

Now all I get to do is get my picture taken with Winnie the Pooh, and a tiny cupcake with a candle stuck in the middle… (I’m going to Disney World for my birthday)

*sighs* If only… 

College=stress

I cried about that stress this morning. I feel like all of my options are falling through and that I will not be accepted anywhere… I mean, I haven’t gotten my scores back yet, so I guess I should try to stay positive. 

My sister is mad at me today, so I’ve spent the entire day alone and in silence. 

But, as the title reads, today is Friday~! That cheers me up slightly. I’ll get to leave the house, at least, for a little bit.

Though I didn’t get any of my weekly goals done… Gao…

I had a bad day today, but I still feel better than I did yesterday. It was like… way too many things piled on top of me…

Today I curled my hair, and it looked super cute. I have decided that I’ll do it everyday. It make me look a lot cuter.

Ah, but I’m stressing out about college. My top choice has suddenly become… um… “out”. Ah~~~ so so much stress… Any college that offers my majors has an acceptance rate of like… 50%! I feel like I am doomed…

I wish I knew what my ACT scores are….  at least then I would know what schools I am looking at…. 

I don’t want to go to ASU!  Ah!

I am super tired as I am writing this… I’m way too stressed out. *is ashamed that her calm and cool demeanor has failed her recently* But for now,

おやすみなさい

Wow, more than one post tonight…

Okay, I lied earlier. I’m not a little upset about that dress, I am absolutely crushed.

Why?

Because I tried on the dress and I don’t feel cute in it at all. I don’t look cute in it either!

I’m not a very pretty girl, let’s face it… I have a yellow-ish skintone, my eyebrows contrast my blonding hair (my hair is turning blonde! I could cry!) and in truth? I’m not very cute at all.

I looked nothing like I expected to. Maybe I thought the dress would pull off a miracle and would make me look super cute. It just made me look even uglier than I usually am…  *Cries*

I’m having a bad night! T-T