I know you are ignoring me.

My god, can I never be treated with respect…? I regret ever trying to make friends, it’s the most ridiculous thing on earth.
Control your temper for once. It’s not that hard. Look, I do it all of the time.

This will be my last post on my blog. It’s not that I don’t necessarily want to stop… but I’m becoming busy with other things… and this is becoming a bit of a chore…
But… um…. I had fun doing it~* And I will probably post to say what school it is that I will go to, and on my first day of college… and… on everything else….
So… for now, I’ll say “goodbye” and thanks to everyone who has read this at all~* I hope that everyone will have a good new year….

With her love, and greatest wishes,
Alisa~

Life is so confusing… how is it that in one person’s mind, something is completely justified and right, and there is absolutely nothing that you can think of that could explain the other person’s behavior or mindset?
People are so so cruel sometimes… it makes me want to give up on it… I mean… I can understand, I can see someone’s mindset, I can think and be empathic and thoughtful… and yet the other person toys with me, with my thoughts and feelings, and throws me off, like I don’t even matter, only to talk to me again, and to repeat the same process all over again~!
I hate him! There– I said it~!
Does he think he’s above me…? That I can’t think…? That I don’t have feelings…? That what he does directly impacts me…?
I can believe him… I absolutely can’t….

But enough of that! I haven’t posted in a long time… I guess I haven’t really been in the mood… but nothing is bad~* Things are going relatively okay for me… except for the above *poke*
I’ve gotten into contact with a lot of old friends… because I am now on “Facebook”~* ^^ It’s done a lot of good for me, except for the above~ *pokes* T-T

Last night was my birthday party~

My mom took me to the library while my sister decorated our living room. And when I came home, I was showered with Hello Kitty confetti. 

The whole living room was decorated with Hello Kitty. I had a Hello Kitty balloon bouquet, a Hello Kitty birthday banner, Hello Kitty plates and napkins, a Hello Kitty table ornament, and they bought me Pink Carnations~! My favorite~ 

There was confetti all over the table, and my birthday card had Hello Kitty on it too~

My family got me birthday presents~ I got a lot of cute new clothes, some leggings to go with my new clothes~ Plus a scarf and gloves~

But my favorite thing I got was a cell phone~ It’s pink with flowers on it~it’s this one~ I love it so so much~

*the price is so high…* *feels guilty* 

But I have to admit that I was very disappointed that it didn’t come with a USB cord, because that’s one of the reasons I wanted the phone in the first place… to put the pictures on my computer… 

But for when I do get the cord… I can finally put pictures on my blog~

I wanted a special cake, but it couldn’t happen… so my mom and sister tried their best to get me one. In truth, it looked like a giant pink snowball… but the Hello Kitty candle made it look better. 

The flavor also wasn’t what I wanted… but… It’s the thought that counts~ 

I played with my phone all night, and tried on all my clothes (everything looks nice except one shirt that I have to return ^^;;;) and all was good.

Everyone tried so hard to please me… it was slightly sad….and the fact that I had been sad earlier that day didn’t help… everyone wanted to make me happy…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Though my party was nice, in truth, I am slightly not liking my first few days of being 16. It makes me want to cry…

But…. I’m going inward, and trying to stay quiet, and not to say too much, or get too excited about anything, as not to embarrass myself….  and hopefully that will fix things.

Why did I even bother to be myself….?

Officially. I turned 16 today.

I will be sixteen years old tomorrow, on the 17th of December. So I thought that before my birthday tomorrow I would think back at my last year (ever) of being fifteen years old…

On this year of my age, I…

• It was a year of suffering. With a lot of “no houses” situations “no car” situations and “not enough money” situations.
• It was also a year of a lot of stress with those types of things,  which I tried to heal by therapy.
• It was a year where I convinced myself wholeheartedly that I wanted to go to public school.
• It is the year that I was severely depressed
• It was the year that I decided to skip ahead
• It was the year that I was convinced that my old boyfriend would make me happy.
• It was the year that I had ridiculously disordered eating.
• It was the year that I broke up with that same boyfriend again.
• It was the year that I started a blog.
• It was the year that I made a few online friends.
• It was the year that I met an old friend.
• It was the year that got a soul crushingly bad haircut.
• It was the year that I got serious in.
• It was the year where my ultimate goal was emotion self control.
• It was the year where I got serious about my writing, my so called, “part time job”
• It was the year that I applied to my first college.
• It is the year that I became obsessed with Japan.
• It is the year that I got culture shock, and realized the truth about Japan.
• It is the year that I spent sleeping.
• It is the year that I realized that smiling wasn’t frowned upon.
• It is the year that I decided to learn French
• It was the year that I cried about my non-existing 16th birthday party.

And it  is the year that I will forget about all of those sad things that happened, and move on with the next one.

The young girl sits in her stuffy and warm living room, a claustrophobic overheated, lazy type air hanging about the room, despite the cold winter weather that she so adores, outside.

She adoringly strokes pink nail polish on her nails, daydreaming in her mind that someone, anyone, may notice them, and think that they are pretty. 

That they are feminine. That they, perhaps, suit her. 

Though perhaps most of all, that someone, anyone, might notice these pink nails, and may add them endearingly to a list of things that, perhaps, that someone likes very much about the young girl.

A worn novel sits at her side, read, most likely for an assignment, many times before her eyes laid on it. 

As she reads, her brow furrows, her heart races, and she is deeply compelled, affected, and saddened by this book that never meant to hurt anyone. 

Though its context in itself is well known for being slightly disturbing, and is written from the point of view of a disturbed narrator, she cannot help but associate that male character to all others. 

And being the sensitive soul that the young girl is, it deeply saddens her.

Though she finds herself, hoping– wishing even– that perhaps someone, anyone, like that person in that book, may feel the same way towards herself. She thinks that, even if it was sickening, even if it was disturbing, she would like it.

Just because of that desperate need she has to feel loved. 

She wastes time on the computer, because she is holding off on beginning her part time job for the night. She feels tired, even though she spent a good majority of the day sleeping. 

And as she coats her feet in the same pink color of her hands, she thinks and contemplates, possibly on the verge of tears, when there is nothing for the girl to be sad about.

Her birthday approaches, and somehow she feels more connected to her true self more than ever. Yet this instinctive “right” feeling has her drawing inward. Contemplating. Being silent. Being alone. 

She wonders if this is the true herself that she feels, or if it is perhaps, an illusion of her mind. 

Though she writes it off, believing it to be in the stars.

Okay, part time job status~

I have a very strange story to tell you, everyone. (Oh, and sorry about that sad post yesterday. Disregard it, ne~? ^^;;;)

If you are a writer, your characters are a staple to your story… right? Well my main character…

I’ve been working on this for so long… she’s… imaginary, but I love her~ ^^ She’s like my little imaginary daughter~

But this character…. you probably won’t believe me…

It must be something cosmic, but everything that I make happen to her… happens to me… ?

It’s strange… and in some cases… very unfortunate… ^^;;;;;;;

See, I told you you’d never believe it~ haha~ ^^;;;

The sun is in Sagittarius, my sign, so these past few days, I’ve felt inspired and introspective– how I feel when I’m at my best~ ^^ It’s a good night tonight~ ^^

Even though my mom hates us and my sister’s teacher is ridiculously unfair~ ):

My birthday is in  5 days~ hard to believe, huh? ^^

Even though I’m being stubborn and refuse to do anything, I’m still happy about it, haha~ ^^;;;;

Well, back to writing~? ^^ Wish me luck everyone~ happy Saturday~

*is in a happy mood*

She is listening to: this.

It’s not that I wanted anything big or spectacular. It’s not like I am being selfish. It’s not that I wanted to spend a lot of money, or to indulge in things that revolve around me…

Nothing for my 16 birthday meets up to my expectations.

Because…

It’s not that I wanted something big… I wanted something special.

All that I wanted was for everyone to care about my birthday as much as I do.

And what do I find myself doing?

Planning everything out myself.

No one was planning on taking pictures, had no plans on where to take me, what cake to buy me, not even my birthday gifts…

My family doesn’t care about me enough to care about my only sixteenth birthday of my life. This birthday that I have been looking forward to doing for so so long…

…. with just a “I didn’t think you cared about it” excuse…

My hair is ruined, my family doesn’t care enough to plan anything.

Forget it, I won’t do anything…

What’s the point anyway? That’s what it’s supposed to be all about anyway… if I had a million friends, maybe it’d be different……..

I’ve been incredibly lazy about writing anything… so you don’t really know about my… um… “hair” issue.

So…. a long story incredibly short, maybe?

I hate my hair. I look like a boy. The lady messed up on it. I’ve been sobbing about it for days now. 

(My sweet sixteen=lifelong planning=lifetime disappointment= pictures= ugly

So…  Today my mom called the hair salon and they fixed my hair. I got a new stylist and she sympathized with me (so there, I’m not exaggerating.) She was so so nice… and she fixed it for me…

She even told me things like “happy birthday” and complimented me and everything… (though I feel shy and embarrassed when people compliment me.. ^^;;;)

Apparently my stylist before did a really bad job, and she cut my hair uneven and did it wrong, making my hairstyle look like a giant triangle. She made it more rounded, and straightened out the length, and thinned it out so it would lay better. *Alisa has ridiculously thick hair*

It still looks a little bad, as I never wanted it this short to begin with… but she did her best, and the salon apologized and even gave me a free present… *a $20 lip gloss*

So…. I’m okay…. though still saddened… I don’t feel nearly as ugly as I did before. 

Why on my Sixteenth Birthday~!? The universe hates me~! ):

It fits me perfectly….

You Are a Visionary Soul

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.
Connected to all things spiritual, you are very in touch with your soul.
You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.
Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.
In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.
Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.
You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

I got my hair cut today, at the salon~   I even got a mini facial~

My hair was nearly long enough that I could donate it. The salon donates it to this place where cancer patients can get free wigs made out of real hair. So I opted for another two inches so that I could do it…

It’s way too short for my taste, and I’m a little insecure to walk around with it…

But, but— it was donated, so I can’t complain at all.  Now’s not the time for vanity~!

So…. I’m happy~

Last night, I took a test called a “Myer Briggs Type Indicator”. You may have heard of it.

And I got a shocking result.  

I am an INTJ type personality… This personality type is… well… I think a little undesirable to have.  Just because… well here, you can read about it here.

 http://typelogic.com/intj.html

In other words? I am Mr. Darcy.

And it’s the saddest thing on earth because— because— It’s so so true~! It’s so true it’s scary~! I’m ridiculously over critical and I do get mad when people don’t make sense, and I do have a ridiculously cold aura about me, and a lot of people hate me because I am so cold and apathetic and impersonal and hard to understand~!

Everything makes sense now!

And the worst part of it all?
I own this book called “Where in the World do I belong?” and it uses the Myer Briggs Type Indicator to show you what countries in the world match your personality type.  

So… where in the world do I belong?

No where.

No county has my personality type. The book says that in every country in the world, my personality type is the most uncommon.  Haha, some luck… huh?

So in a way, I will always be an outsider. No matter where I go.

In honesty?

I really don’t care. I like my personality type. People may not be able to understand me, and I may not be able to make myself understood… but I know that I am a good person. And that’s all that matters… right?

 (PS. You can try here (preferred) or here to take the test. If you know your type, I can tell you the country you belong in. ^^)

I’ve stressed myself out so much over the past few days that I have given myself a fever. 

I don’t feel good~~ ):

Hm…. who needs friends anyway, right?

Why is it that no one ever responds to my emails anyway? I mean, two different people? What are the odds of that, I wonder?

…. Am I really that horrible to talk to? To be around…?

Do these people really think about what they are doing? The feelings that they are crushing…? The insecurities that they are causing…?

I guess not…

But, oh well.

Who needs friends anyway,  right?

I’ll meet new friends at college this year. That’ll make everything better for me now, won’t it, won’t it?

Besides… don’t I deserve better than this? I’m not a bad person… I deserve to have good friends…

I get it. I completely understand.

And… that alone…

Why is it that, for us humans…. that our minds work so differently?

How things can be seen from two totally different views?

That something that is important to one person, is unintentionally written off by the other?

Could I have been guilty of that? I didn’t mean to…

I thought so hard, and put so much time into thinking…

And sometimes, I think, just because of the differences in two minds…it is impossible to help or to successfully avoid…

There’s no use, really…

And today, while I was looking into it, I was crippled by understanding. And I use the word “crippled” because I understand, but there is nothing that can be done to fix it.

Maybe we humans, in pursuit of the things that we want, can overlook things that could possibly mean the world to other people.

But… at the same time… wouldn’t thinking that way be vain? Or selfish?

Is it possible to do anything right? Or are you wrong in both aspects?

Maybe I should have been more mindful… I’m sorry…

 Today I slept most of the day away,  because I was absolutely bored out of my mind. Though it is the holidays, I’m not used to staying at home all day like this… 

And so when I do get bored, unlike most humans, I get unnaturally depressed. So while that was happening, I decided to stay in bed, to save myself from self induced insanity. 

*sigh* College is so far away… And in the meantime, I have nothing to do….

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My, my, all of my posts have been kind of short, haven’t they? Hm… It’s not necessarily that nothing is happening, but more… I don’t really want to write about anything.

Actually, I was thinking about… sort of… ending this blog. After all, I find it a bit of a chore now…

We’ll see… I’ll let you know, okay?

Okay, remember the thing yesterday that I did, and I said I’d regret? Well, I don’t regret it anymore because it went okay.

When I got the email in my inbox, I literally almost fainted. I’m so happy that no one saw me, because then it would be like… “Alyssa, what’s wrong? What did you see?” ha ha…

But…. I’m to afraid to respond yet. I’m thinking about what to say, and waiting for the advice from a friend.

But… that person… is doing so so much better now. And at the second, I couldn’t be happier for that person, who has gotten so much better within just a few months… 

I just acted on an impulse. To say “I’m sorry” to someone that deserved it. But… the thing is… that…

I doubt this person wants to hear from me.

And it is really humiliating myself. That will, no doubt, be intensified, if and when I get a response.

I know I will regret doing this later… but… I feel like I had to.

Otherwise, the guilt would tear away at me…

*sighs* This can either go really well or really wrong. Universal energy, please be with me, and let it turn out okay.

*is so embarrassed*

I think my dog will die soon.

She’s been acting really, really strange lately… and she is old, around 9 or so…

She doesn’t want to play, and she hasn’t for at least a month now. She was getting sick a lot earlier last week, but got better. And not just not wanting to play, but for the past two months, she will only sleep. And I know dogs sleep a lot, but… this is way, way more than usual.

But… tonight has me particularly worried… Because… out of nowhere she did a strange bark/squeal that I have never heard from her before.

I am worried. I love our dog, and I don’t want her to die. I’m so scared. I’m so scared…

I don’t want to see it happen… I’m scared.