I want to go there so bad. Seriously, within 24 hours, I mastered like over half of the Japanese grammar. Okay, so I am close to mastering it! And next year I graduate! If I do, I really want to travel there! Just for a few months or so, ya know? I am just afraid that I will run out of money, or people will be mean to me because of previous experiences with Americans. Seriously, I am not like many Americans are. Not that long ago I read someone’s blog on Deviant Art about how some American asked for directions. He answered in Japanese, and they started to make fun of him out of anger! That is so rude! If I were to ask for directions, I wouldn’t expect and English response. Ugh. I gotta go for now. Gonna finish the rest of the grammar.

My dad is going to Afghanistan soon. I am so sad, it’s as if life really has not much of a purpose. I know he will be safe though, so I guess that makes me happy. Eh, can you believe that june bugs totally ruined my last camp fire with dad?? I had to run into the house because they were EVERYWHERE! I eventually came back outside though, so I could spend a few more hours with dad. ;__; I have to go now; I am getting all choked up.

I am just drowning in my misery, people. My walls are shattering before my very eyes; my little world has just met reality. It saddens me. So much, in such little time. Why?

Well, it wasn’t love I guess, and I am okay with that. I just have to learn to get rid of this attraction/ attachment problem; it’s killin’ me! And I still have to find love. But I don’t need that now; I have to focus on school! If I want to be a doctor, I need to study harder! Once I become a doctor, I am going to help mother with the bills and stuff. We are starting to get into poverty. Our income is less than 35k I believe. I heard that if by next year, your family is not bringing in at least 100k, you’re gonna be in poverty. I believe it! So I have to get a job, and study like crazy. We cannot afford to lose the house; we wouldn’t have any where to go. I am really hoping Hilary wins now; she helped us out of the last problem, so she can help now! Now I am not trying to advertise or anything, but she did help us the last time her husband was in office… she can help us now people. Don’t get me wrong, Obama seems like he might be able to do it too, but we can’t just assume…. We need to get out four sure! and Hilary can do it!

Also, my “fans” or readers, I have some new art posted up! Mainly fan art I believe… Magical School Girl and Death Note. Check it out, please? Thanks

http://pandi-painter.deviantart[dot]com/

(I don’t know if I can post links ;] )

I am so confused! Okay, so the other night I was on a website that has a chat room. No I do not go on there for.. weird stuff. I go on there to just chat about NORMAL stuff. Well, I was on there and I started talking to this one person about my “germophobia”. First off, I am NOT a Germophobe. But we started talking and all, and he was so accurate on my feelings and stuff. It scared the poo out of me! Seriously… and then we talked on the phone. Boy at first, I did not know why I would give a stranger my phone number. We talked for like one and a half hours. It is weird… and I realized I have an attraction problem… as in, someone is nice to me and then, BAM, for some reason I like them. Infaturation I believe it’s called. Eh, so now I know that my “love” for the other two guys may be that too…
Hopefully this week: councilor. Eh.

Cupid is on a roll! So I was talking about you know who, right? How I am in love with this 23 year old guy, and yet I am only 16. -sob- He has the greatest personality…. dorky…. I love it! Though he is very religious. That is okay with me, seriously, but I am an Atheist, and I don’t know what he would think of that. Would he be accepting? Would he be against it and try to convert me? And if he does that, do I pretend so I can be with him? I don’t want to live a lie. I constantly question myself “Why do you like him?” because we barely speak. But when we do… I don’t know. Well the last time I actually talked to him, it was when I was in his house watching the kids for his mom… and he was in a towel… talk about a romance movie moment. I don’t even watch those and I know that! He is pretty foxy to… total bonus to the personality. Oy, but other than that, my friend, who is 17, is in love with a 29 year old! Its like… wow! Cupid! What is with you! You’re just attacking us young girls with your glittery arrows! I seriously think she has a good chance with him. I stand no chance with the guy I like, cause seriously, those romance movies say they go for the personalities… but you know that is is because the woman is drop-dead gorgeous. I am not beautiful what so ever… and he has this epic body… I bet he is looking for some beauty rather than a caring ugly person like me. That is society: the beautiful people with the beautiful people, the ugly with the ugly. Wow… I guess it is all about looks these days. eh… I am destined to be a young miserable doctor.

Eh, totally talked about my last crush… that lasted about a year or so? What ever. Anyway, him and I are like friends now… only a select few actually knew that I liked him. Eh, anyway, I totally dropped him. I hope that doesn’t make it look like I am one of those types of girls, but I just question myself: what on earth did I ever see in him? I don’t know why I liked him… seriously. It wasn’t looks, and it wasn’t personality. Maybe personality… I don’t know. Lately I have been thinking of his brother though… he is going to college to be a nurse! Can you believe that?? I CAN’T!!! Well I can… but the point is that I want to go to school to become a doctor! That means he has a medical sense! That is a total bonus! The only problem with this new “crush” is that I only like his looks and the fact that he is going to be a nurse. He is sweet too; he always says hi to me, and it is not just a “Hi” it is a “Hey [Panda]”. Instead of “Panda” he says my name, but I don’t want to post that on here. =) It makes me feel special, because my old crush would never do that. Even my friends don’t say that to me. He even smiles! XD -dies-
-revived-
I wonder if he respects my opinion on religion… he is quite religious… Oh what am I saying? He is older than me! Probably 21 at most. Then again, it is only a number… I am so ugly though! He is so attractive! I am fat. Men these days don’t go for personality! They go for looks! WHY!? -dies again-

I remember being younger and never wanting to get married, never wanting kids, and wanting to become a super hero (Strange for a little girl I know).
Now that I am a bit older and more mature, I realized that I do want to actually get married and have a life. More than anything, I want a child. That is strange for a 16 year old to say, but I love to take care of my baby sister when I am at my dad and step-mom’s house. Now I am not going to go out there and get pregnant, as that would be crazy… I am just saying that I would love to actually start a life. I think I am mature enough for it already. Will I do it now or soon? No. I want to though. D: eh. I also want to find a shrink that doesn’t cost a lot… I really need some help -_-”
Well, this one is short. I could go on and on, but this is more of a children’s site rather than an all-out blog site. I don’t really go on other sites and post my life or anything… just here :9 Ha, and I don’t even say everything. :3
eh, I need some sleep.

Yesterday, I gave birth to a blue betta… 15 hours of labor… HA! He is a pretty one though, that is for sure
The “father”? My friend! HAHAHA!! Sooo funny! I don’t think he likes the food we bought him, so I am going to have to go find Bubba’s old food. Oy, I miss my Bubba. I was so sad when he died… he was getting to be old though. Though Moxha and Liver shall be good friends; they will meet this summer!! >:D Or so I hope… I don’t know if I will get Moxha this summer or not… I hope so!
Eh… would type more, but there really isn’t much to say other than I am happy to have Moxha!

I have been thinking on the whole Japan thing, and I decided against it. I don’t really want to go there anymore. I heard way to many things and I am not going to risk my life on it… yes, the stuff was that bad.

I have also changed my career choice… again. I want to be a Forensic Investigator/ CSI. I think that this is my true calling though; I always watch City Confidential and all those crime shows including the Hollywood ones like CSI. I am really into that kinda stuff. I might be going to NYC with my friend to some college after a couple of years in Milwaukee. Eh, I’m growing up. I remember back when I could not wait till I got older. I remember wanting to be a famous artist. HA! I would have never made it in the art industry. Along with the astronomer department… Now I think I know what I want to be, and I am good with that stuff, and good with the medical stuff.

Lately I have been hanging out with a different person than the norm. I normally hang out with Leanne but she has been really sick the past two weeks, so can’t really hang out with her. Katie and I really don’t see eye to eye like we used to, so that is why I don’t really chat with her or anything. The past week or so I have been talking to Amy more. We are more of friends than me an katie or me and leanne now-a-days. We go to the coffeehouse all the time and chatter with Nic, drink chilled Moxhas and Friscantes, and have a jolly ‘ol time. Then we go to Manty and just shoot the… poo… and then go back to her place. Last night we played guitar till midnight. Well, she was teaching me. It has been years since I last played so it was crazy! She is teaching me this simple plan song; its quite interesting, and a lot easier than most songs, yet I am still kinda struggling. And when she was dropping me off at like 12:30 AM, she tuned my strat for me. I need a new one though; it smells of soiled diapers and I seriously don’t know why. It is also missing a string; probably gonna take the one off my acoustic… I never use that one anyway… didn’t use my strat either. Well, it is technically my step-dads but ne *never* uses that thing anymore. Eh… I need a new one… I am gonna get a foxy one! One that has some zig-zags or something on them. Oh yeah!