All there ever is
All there ever was
Just you and I
In this world of pain
In this world of torture
I only see you

Of all the eyes
Burning, lusting against imagination
The only ones I trust
Are your kaleidoscopes of blue
Take what I give

Cut, taste, burn
All I trust is you
Mutilate, humiliate
All I am is you
Pierce, scream, kill
All will end with you

Hold me,
Kill me,
There is no one else.

That’s what half the people ended up doing. I was always the last one on the line because I started it, and if I hung up, everyone would be disconnected from each other.

I wonder if that says anything about my life…

Everything started in sixth grade. I hit a girl on the back of her head, and my world changed. I somehow ended up with a best friend.

She had other friends whom all I met, and then I started to make my own and pull them in. I slowly learned not to hurt or punish, and what it was like to be included in a laugh instead of being at the point of it’s direction. I unconsciously surrounded myself with people, and my ties only grew stronger as I got older.

High school brought me another family. Some lied, and cheated, and ruined themselves, but I stuck with them regardless. I had never grown so close to people before in my life, and it was as tiring as it was refreshing. I became the link in all of them. Two would meet, have a relationship, and end it, but because I refused to cut ties with someone for their affairs with another, I was the one each would go to and ask if the other was okay. I was a center in the mess of people, but I didn’t want it and I faded away.

Not to say that I left them all, just the ones I never had a good grasp on. They could carry on without me and forget I was ever there. But others depended on me-so I settled to focus on them instead. Sarah, who never had clothes that fit her or someone to care. I gave her a home. Kortlyn, who-overall-didn’t trust humanity. I trusted for her. Leah, who’s best friend moved downtown. I filled that space. Jordan, who needed someone to understand. Through difficulty and anger, I did. More than anyone. I focused on loving them and chose not to care about my falling grades. They were enough.

Until I had to leave.

But strangely, as important as I thought I was, nothing changed when I left. Sarah moved long before I did. Kortlyn has other friends to rely on. Leah occupies herself with the chaos of life as it is, and hopes for us living together in the future. Jordan understands, and that’s all there needs to be.

I always thought that if I left, someone might fall apart. But maybe I was just holding onto that because I needed assurance. I needed to feel important in some way and I found it through them. Because while they may not think about me often, I revel in how much I miss them every day.

I always thought that they would fall apart when really, it was me.

 Pre-Dream Info:

So, I know two guys named Cole at school, and I don’t know what it is about that name, but both of those boys have appeared in my dreams (literally). The first Cole I met i’ve now named Emo-Cole. He’s actually a sweetie, but he does have black “emo” hair and wears that labeled style of clothing. The other Cole is also a sweetie, but his hair (though still emo-esque) is a lighter, highlighted brown and he’s only just transferred to the school. Hence why i’ve named him New-Kid-Cole. Why name them? Because my friends get confused if I reference a Cole in conversation and they don’t know which one. And now you will too.

Emo-Cole has appeared in my dreams multiple times before. He’s been a leader of a group of pirate teens stranded on an island, and he’s been just-that-guy-I-recognize-in-the-background. New-Kid-Cole has only appeared in this one. The link between the two of them? Their names, of course, but also that i’ve hardly spoken to either of them. Emo-Cole sits next to me at lunch every day, but i’ve hardly said more than a sentence to him the whole semester. I’ve spoken to all his friends that sit around us, but never him. Why? I dunno. He doesn’t speak much at lunch anyway, so i’ve never really been given the oppurtunity. New-Kid-Cole on the other hand, i’ve talked to a lot more. This week was his first full week at the school, and one of his classes is my sixth period. I’ve already taken the liberty of introducing myself to him, and I talk to him for about two-three minutes before class. See? Not much time at all for a conversation. Though I will admit to stealing glances at him while he sleeps in class. He’s cute. End of story.

Another character in the dream from school is Jesse (Jess-ee). He’s a nice, slightly pudgy guy that sits next to New-Kid-Cole in class and talks to him (they share a liking for peircings; Cole has snake bites and Jesse has size-zero earlobes). He’s recently cut his brown hair so that it’s only a fluffy mass of brown around his ears (used to be long enough to put in a ponytail) and wears a baggy, black hoodie and baggy shorts.

Onto the dream:

It was sixth period, but for some reason I was in a science class (sixth period in real life is my economics class). The teacher stepped out to do something, but the bell starts ringing so a majority of the class left while the rest of us heeded what she said-to stay until she got back. For some reason Emo-Cole was there (apparently in our class as well) and he was wearing a puffy jacket with fur lining the hood. I would have thought it was strange that he was wearing a girl coat, but i’ve seen him in stranger things and it looked good on him, anyway. Naturally New-Kid-Cole was there, sitting somewhere near Emo-Cole, and Jesse was falling asleep in the desk infront of me. I decided to follow suit with Jesse and take a nap. When I woke up from my light sleep, both Cole’s had decided it was time to leave so Jesse and I walked out too.

Outside of the classroom door was…well, outside. It was just starting to get dark outside, which I somehow didn’t find peculiar in any way. There was a little flight of stairs leading down perpendicularly to a sidewalk that lead to the main building going left and the building with the senior classes in it going right. Across from the sidewalk was a little park area and that’s directly where Emo-Cole headed when he walked out of the room. I saw why when a blond girl-his girlfriend, apparently-started walking toward him and they hugged. They walked off linking arms somewhere, and that’s when I noticed my economics teacher heading toward us from the main building, finally.

Jesse had disappeared somewhere too, so it was just me and New-Kid-Cole (who will be the only Cole from now on) standing on the side walk when she approached us. She had been talking heatedly to a student next to her, but when I called out her name she immediately turned her attention to us and distractedly apologized and wrote us passes to get to class. She and the student went into the classroom while Cole and I headed into the senior building. When we got inside the doors, he immediately headed to the stairs on our right and I kept walking out into the hall and took a left to go to the bathroom. My face felt weird and as soon as I entered the bathroom I felt it stretching and swelling. I paniced and looked into the nearest mirror, finding my face bloating like a puffer fish. The only thoughts crossing my mind were ‘Oh shit’ and ‘Cold water, cold water…’ so I turned on the sink below me and splashed cold water on my face. After a few seconds my face sunk back to normal size, and, figuring i’ve had enough shit for one day, I headed back outside to the sidewalk and made my way to the front of the school.

-enter dream black-out and brief waking up and going back to sleep here-

I was walking down the large sidewalk in front of the school when I saw Cole. This is when the dream started taking actions to what I was thinking, so deam-me ran up to Cole, jumped on him, and we started making out. His Dad was watching us from somewhere in the walmart-sized parking lot and honked his horn to tell us to quit it (we were apparently dating at this point @.@). We immediately pulled apart, but he offered to give me a piggy-back ride to his Dad’s car. I agreed, but guaranteed him that he wouldn’t be able to carry me the whole way. He picked me up and we argued about how long he would last when two strangers called to us from our left. I jumped down from his back and we went over to them curiously. They offered for us to do something and I remember us thinking along the lines of ’sure, why not’ when our vision blacked out.

We woke up tied to chairs in an interrogation room. We weren’t gagged and a table was in front of us (not that it did much help). A couple people we didn’t know were tied up across from us to our left and the strangers from the parking lot were on our direct right with a little purse-thing in front of the woman one. Someone we couldn’t see asked the strangers to show themselves. Then they did-both of them shedding their skin. I didn’t see what the man turned out to be, but the woman was a brown worm-thing the size of a ruler. She had landed on the table in front of the purse, and as soon as she did the cover of the purse collapsed, revealing a tiny blue creature and a Hello Kitty plushie sleeping on a little bed. The blue creature asked the worm lady (who was mom, evidently) why they couldn’t come out before. The Hello Kitty plushie suddenly agreed and sat up, using it’s paw to push back the covers on the bed.

That’s the last thing I remember and that’s the sole reason I posted this on here.

The End.    

God, the joys of love. You reach out to me with pleading eyes and wait for a reply, but the moment your gaze turned on me I was already gone. No matter how hard you cry or the words you speak, you will never reach me. I’m a shadow to your eyes-a vision you will never hold or touch; i’m a dream that will never be. Perhaps later, when there has been time to settle and we meet again, there will be more than a detatchment between us, but for now-before I have even turned you away-I’m out of your grasp.

Can you lose what you never had?

 Song of the Day: Vienna by The Fray

Every dream is vivid, as if I have been thrust into another reality for a short moment and forced to live along with the circumstance. Though some are harmless and relatively innocent, there will always be dreams that wake me in the middle of the night with an irreplacable feeling of terror.

This time, I was at a beach house with friends. Though I didn’t bother to look around for anyone else I knew, Carly-my freshman friend-was the only one sitting next to me on the shore while the others swam in the ocean. We were resting back on our hands, letting our legs bask in the tide and laughing at each other’s antics. The sky was clouded, but it was obvious that the faded blue was getting darker, and Carly and I noticed the tide coming in against our legs. We stood and called to the rest that it was time to go in, leading the way into the house.

The room we entered was beautiful. Dark green-almost black-marble tiling covered the floor, matching the railing-guarded waterfall in the left corner that had a soft green reflection emitting from the light shining within it. Carly and I stopped in there and waited while everybody poured in, not bothering with the lights since we would be heading on to the living room next anyway. There was a raucous of laughter as the group stumbled their way in and shut the door behind them. A girl reeled into the waterfall’s railing with laughter, her identity hidden by the dark. I watched as she gripped the wood for support then promptly leaned over it and threw up into the water. I didn’t need to smell it to know that it was blood. The guy closest to me was still laughing, but his body was curled into a fetal position on the floor, blood pouring from his nose and mouth. I could hear bodies dropping all around me with fading, gurgling laughter. Restraining from looking at them, I quickly spotted Carly with her blaringly white t-shirt backed into the far right corner. I could sense her shaking even from where I was in the middle of the room, and the both of us knew that we had to turn on the lights to see how bad it really was. Without looking around, I headed straight forward toward the door and stopped. Again I looked at Carly; from the closer distance I could see the horror racking through her in tears. I didn’t want to see through her eyes. I couldn’t look. My finger gently flipped the switch, envoking a sound from her between a scream and a sob. “Oh god,” she said meekly, “They’re not gonna make it.”

I didn’t hesitate for a second after that. I opened the door and I ran. I bolted out of the house with my heart pounding painfully in my chest, half waking my body from the dream. I didn’t know the neighborhood or where I was going. It was the middle of the night and no one was outside. I was running blindly, alone, from a being I couldn’t see or grasp. I wasn’t running from death. I wasn’t running from the vision. I wasn’t running from the blood. I was running from the fear running wildly through my veins like an inextinguishable fire.

And that was it. When I awoke I was alone and frightened in the dark of my room, greeted by the aftermath of a terrible dream.

What hurts isn’t the expanded time or the extra work.

What hurts is that i’ve managed something i’ve seen dumbfucks avoid.

The fact that i’ve once again fit into the routine my life is renowned for.

Knowing that i’ve already payed for the stupid cap and gown for nothing.

And that in May i’ll head back home to watch people i’ve known since kindergarten acheive something I couldn’t, without me, again.

And the whole time i’ll be taking pictures and smiling because that’s what a friend is supposed to do.

Especially on graduation.

My Dad is disappointed; he thinks I don’t care.

 But really, i’ve been crying all day.

And tomorrow i’ll forget about it and move on because it’s just a cap and just a gown and just a stupid fucking diploma that i’ll get two months late.

That’s life, right?

They’re only shadows, all of them. Shallow companions so that I might not be so alone. Everyone needs someone to talk to, even if they aren’t real. Those shadows think that I have given them everything, but the fact that I can reach out and pass right through them shows the opposite. I’ve stayed just in earshot; they don’t know anything about me and I could care less. I don’t even like them. 

But is it worth it?

As i’m fading out of my old life, is it worth being alone in the new? I’m bored, but I hate surrounding myself with people who irritate me. It’s just easier to go home and do absolutely nothing.

I may lose what I love, but it may never have grown stronger if I had stayed.

Some things are meant to happen.

Is this just fate?

Need to focus, focus
But god, there is so much to tell,
and all I see is never real.
I’ve been talking in scattered dreams and broken words
to ears of numbers that never heard.
How will I live? This world
is built on a curtled
version of which I cannot comprehend
beyond the visions in my head.
Focus, focus…

Change is inevitable.

I thought, when I first went back, that I had been left behind. Conversations between friends that I used to understand were lost to me and everyone seemed to have a solid grip on where they were in life. It was clear that I was the only one uncertain and the only one out of place. I realized that I didn’t belong as I used to, anymore.

But then, when I stepped into the car with Leah-one of my best friends-everything seemed normal again. The both of us are well adapted to not seeing each other for long periods of time, so seeing each other again after so long was more like I had just taken a small vacation. She was my stable breath of familiarity, and I couldn’t have been more grateful.

I had never been to any type of typical teenager party before, but I supposed this one was a good start. I fit in surprisingly well amongst the drunk, goofy guys and held any liquor consumed surprisingly well. It was more like I was just in a really good mood rather than impaired, but I still called it quits after my motor skills melted enough for my drink to spill. But in my defense, my judgement process was crystal clear. Everything I had wanted at the beginning of the night became enboldened-and that included a particularly cute guy who had walked in a good half hour before I reached for any drink.

Now, now, don’t go thinking i’m a slut for going after a guy I hardly knew. My goals were set from the beginning: nothing passed making out. Period. But who can honestly blame me anyway when, for the first time in over two years, I had the chance to make out with a guy? And a good looking guy with a good personality at that? I’m not going to lie either, it was such an amazing feeling to feel wanted again. It’s one thing when your friends tell you that you’re attractive, but it’s another when someone doesn’t even give your gorgeous friend sitting next to you a glance and tells you how pretty you are. I don’t give a flying fuck if he was lying; to have someone hold me and kiss me again, even with no strings attatched, was so freeing it was ridiculous. For one night, I wasn’t ridden with doubts and self-loathing. I was a regular teenager out having fun.

I am so jealous that Leah gets to do that all the time. Though, I don’t know how she deals with the lack of sleep. I think her being the only sober person helps, but we definitely only slept for two hours before we left and went to starbucks. We sat in there for another two hours talking, catching up, and enjoying the morning before grudgingly heading out to drop me off. It was the perfect ending to the weekend, in my opinion.

And as a bonus, I got a new hoodie. The guy liked my jacket and I liked his hoodie, so when he left we decided to just trade. For good memories. XD

I haven’t said this in a while, but life is good.

That is, until I open my eyes tomorrow and go to school, thinking that all of it was just a dream.

I think I should write for cheesy giftcard people.

Because last night, I was thinking about this pretty girl that sits behind me in chemistry, and then all of a sudden this phrase pops into my head.

I’ve never been very articulate
outside of a slip of paper
but if I could speak freely I would say
that beauty has never graced my eyes
as wonderously as the sight of you.

Now, where in the hell did that come from? @.@’

I have no idea, but it’d be pretty badass if I could do it again.