It isn’t a darkness, more like being void of light. There’s a difference, however subtle it may be.
The anger from when I came here.
The anxiety of being new.
The depression of being alone.
The lost, detatched feeling-as if my life isn’t real at all.
Everything has built up to this point. An ache and an emptiness all at once. I wonder, what does a touch feel like? Are there hugs that last for more than a second? Do they have feelings to them? To feel excited to see someone…to be warmed by a rush of love as I smile and run toward them. A sigh of relief when I spill what’s been bothering me, no matter how difficult it was to say. The feeling of warm arms around me, smothering me. A voice saying that they love me….
I remember, but I don’t recall what these feel like anymore. This hollow detatchment reminds me of why I did it. Years ago, running the jagged blade across my skin, using a fine point to carve a heart. Then it was the depression, but now it would be to know. To know that this all isn’t a dream. That i’m not just floating here, watching, with liquid emotions. I hate pain, i detest it, but to have something solid and controlled to keep me rooted to the ground….it seems like such a good idea.

And yet, it isn’t.

For temptation I have too much pride, and I made a promise.  Never again, no matter the pain. Because her smile, even if I can’t feel it, will always be in my memory, bringing out the good in me.