Every dream is vivid, as if I have been thrust into another reality for a short moment and forced to live along with the circumstance. Though some are harmless and relatively innocent, there will always be dreams that wake me in the middle of the night with an irreplacable feeling of terror.

This time, I was at a beach house with friends. Though I didn’t bother to look around for anyone else I knew, Carly-my freshman friend-was the only one sitting next to me on the shore while the others swam in the ocean. We were resting back on our hands, letting our legs bask in the tide and laughing at each other’s antics. The sky was clouded, but it was obvious that the faded blue was getting darker, and Carly and I noticed the tide coming in against our legs. We stood and called to the rest that it was time to go in, leading the way into the house.

The room we entered was beautiful. Dark green-almost black-marble tiling covered the floor, matching the railing-guarded waterfall in the left corner that had a soft green reflection emitting from the light shining within it. Carly and I stopped in there and waited while everybody poured in, not bothering with the lights since we would be heading on to the living room next anyway. There was a raucous of laughter as the group stumbled their way in and shut the door behind them. A girl reeled into the waterfall’s railing with laughter, her identity hidden by the dark. I watched as she gripped the wood for support then promptly leaned over it and threw up into the water. I didn’t need to smell it to know that it was blood. The guy closest to me was still laughing, but his body was curled into a fetal position on the floor, blood pouring from his nose and mouth. I could hear bodies dropping all around me with fading, gurgling laughter. Restraining from looking at them, I quickly spotted Carly with her blaringly white t-shirt backed into the far right corner. I could sense her shaking even from where I was in the middle of the room, and the both of us knew that we had to turn on the lights to see how bad it really was. Without looking around, I headed straight forward toward the door and stopped. Again I looked at Carly; from the closer distance I could see the horror racking through her in tears. I didn’t want to see through her eyes. I couldn’t look. My finger gently flipped the switch, envoking a sound from her between a scream and a sob. “Oh god,” she said meekly, “They’re not gonna make it.”

I didn’t hesitate for a second after that. I opened the door and I ran. I bolted out of the house with my heart pounding painfully in my chest, half waking my body from the dream. I didn’t know the neighborhood or where I was going. It was the middle of the night and no one was outside. I was running blindly, alone, from a being I couldn’t see or grasp. I wasn’t running from death. I wasn’t running from the vision. I wasn’t running from the blood. I was running from the fear running wildly through my veins like an inextinguishable fire.

And that was it. When I awoke I was alone and frightened in the dark of my room, greeted by the aftermath of a terrible dream.

What hurts isn’t the expanded time or the extra work.

What hurts is that i’ve managed something i’ve seen dumbfucks avoid.

The fact that i’ve once again fit into the routine my life is renowned for.

Knowing that i’ve already payed for the stupid cap and gown for nothing.

And that in May i’ll head back home to watch people i’ve known since kindergarten acheive something I couldn’t, without me, again.

And the whole time i’ll be taking pictures and smiling because that’s what a friend is supposed to do.

Especially on graduation.

My Dad is disappointed; he thinks I don’t care.

 But really, i’ve been crying all day.

And tomorrow i’ll forget about it and move on because it’s just a cap and just a gown and just a stupid fucking diploma that i’ll get two months late.

That’s life, right?