The room is plastered with paisley wallpaper, family photos, and certificates. I know you just want me to feel comfortable, as if I’m just talking to another human being (a really intelligent human being) instead of the over analytical doctor I know you are. But honestly, can’t you have a bit more taste than paisley? The dark maroon and gold running across the walls makes the room seem smaller. If I were insane, I’d be very uncomfortable right now, walking into your office and sitting in your old, plush armchair. But I am sane-for the most part-and the only issue I have that I will never tell you is how grossed out I am thinking about how many different people have snotted and cried on this very seat cushion.

You smile at me.

Psych: Good evening. What would you like to talk about today?

Me: ….my feelings. 

Psych: Really?

You grin and I admit, I have to keep down a smile.

Me: I know, normally you have to probe people into it or something but…it’s something to talk about, right?

Psych: Well then, go right ahead. 

Me: Alright.  My feelings aren’t normal.

Psych: Not normal? What do you mean? 

Me: They just…aren’t. One moment I’ll be exploding with emotion, so much that I have to fight it back. And than most of the time I’m just…placid. Unnaturally stale.

Psych: That’s interesting. Why would you say placid or stale? Why not just calm? 

Me:  Because it’s not calm. It’s more like a solid. Impenetrable.  It’s like…a marble ball rolling on water. Have you ever seen one of those? The marble rolls with the running water, but it can’t go anywhere. It’s too heavy.  That’s what I feel most of the time. As if I’m the marble, letting everything roll off of me without getting in.

You nod and stare at me for a while, to see if I have anything else to say. Or maybe you’re just thinking. 

…Is it weird that I don’t feel that way now that I’ve told you about it?

Psych: No, not at all. What do you feel now? 

Me: I feel…like an autumn breeze. But it won’t last.

You smile at me and nod again.

Psych:  Even so, it’s good. 

I lean back in the chair and sigh.

Me: Good.