People my age aren’t supposed to feel this way.
We aren’t supposed to want to be old and rotting already.
But that’s what I find myself wanting all the time.

I want to give my youth away. I want to be that old lady with a bunch of cats who sits out on her porch during the day listening to the radio. I want to just relax and wither away, slowly dieing out of life.

But why? It’s not that i’m suicidal, but I just don’t want to live any more. It’s tiring and i’m going absolutely no where. I’m not going to do anything great or important. I’m just going to be a less than average person who can’t focus to save their life. I’ll probably end up homeless. Why waste my life away when it could already be over?

And then I think-what if I could trade? What if I could give my youth to someone who could do something with it? Someone old or dieing who could be an extraordinary person. They could save the people I wish to save, bring people together, love and care more than I ever could…And I would just be happy to finally be released from this life.

I know I have these dreams of being someone who saves people. Through music, through writing, through love. But they will stay dreams because I cannot change myself. I’m a dreamer and that’s where I end. I will never be someone more.

I’m a waste, like a weed, and all I want is to wither and die instead of bearing the heat of the summer sun again and again. Is that too much to ask, really, when there are so many flowers around me who can be so much more?