I wonder if anyone else gets this feeling.

Where you get an ache in your chest and you feel sad for absolutely no reason?

I’m sick of it.

Is it too much to ask to smile? That’s all I want. To smile and laugh and to mean it. I used to do it all the time. With friends. I always forget how much I enjoy their company. I guess it was because that ache follows me everywhere.

But it wasn’t their fault. They always cheered me up without meaning to. I feel selfish for wanting to be alone so much. Avoiding them just so that I could go home and sleep. Now all I am is alone. Isn’t that the way it works? You never appreciate something as much until it’s gone. Right?

I think i’m just spewing out things. I just…want the ache to go away. I want them to make it go away.

Because without them here, there’s nothing to stop me from crying.

<-(Bah. She’s not preggers. Oh well. It was exciting for that moment anyway.)

On another note: I’ve been getting into Japanese Dramas lately. They’re pretty much romantic comedies put into hour long shows. NO! I know what you’re thinking! It’s not the same as soap operas, I promise. People don’t die left and right then come back to life out of nowhere. I couldn’t handle that stupidity. But it is a bit mushy and very girl audience oriented.

Anyway, they got me thinking a lot about how alone i’ve been the past month and how I haven’t dated in two years. Some people would call me insane, i’m sure, but i’m used to being alone. That’s why watching those dramas makes me both envious and afraid. It would be nice to have someone to be with, but every time the oppurtunity comes up it’s always someone I don’t want. To make it worse, there’s more than one person involved and I have to ‘make a choice.’ It’s like those dramas are reflecting my bad experiences. Except in the end…the girl ends up with who she’s meant to be with.

And I end up alone.

I’m probably just being picky. It’s not like there was anything wrong with the guys…but i’ve always thought that you weren’t supposed to just settle for someone. Even if that person loves you with all of their heart, if you don’t love them back what good does it do? And yet everyone yells ‘Just settle! Just settle!’ as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. I don’t understand. Is there not a person out there that I will want? Will there really not be a person I can love truthfully?

I don’t understand.

This whole thing makes me feel like a child-which, in a way, I still am. Perhaps my view is simply naive and irritating to everyone else. I wouldn’t know. I’m just confused about what to do…what to wait for. And yet i’m certain that there is a person i’m waiting for. There has to be someone, right?

Because if I don’t find someone I love in my lifetime, i’m not going to settle. I’ll end up as I started-alone.

Eeeh…sorry for talking in circles. I tend to do that a lot. But anyway, at 2am I was trying to go to sleep when I thought about this and some writing just spewed out of me. Enjoy.

[Song of the day: Planetarium by Ai Otsuka]

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Do Anything

Even if I had to travel across the world
And fight all on my own
Just to meet you once
I would

Even if I had to find my way through the dark
And face all my fears
Just to meet you once
I would

Even if I had to bear the heat of the sun
And burn a thousand times over
Just to meet you once
I would

Even if I had to bow down to my enemies
And take a knife to the back
Just to meet you once
I would

Just to meet you once
To hear you say my name
And see a smile on your face
I would

I want to just stop and say it right now: I told you so. This year is going to be very interesting. At least…it will be if this is true.

My step-brother thinks his girlfriend might be pregnant.

Oh yeah.

It’s my older sister all over again. He’s even about the same age she was when her boyfriend got her pregnant. I, personally, am excited. I have full baby-blanket-making claim for this one. NO ONE WILL MAKE THAT BABAY A BLANKIE BUT ME DAMNIT. D<

Spaz attack over. Moving on.

I’m about 99% sure she is actually pregnant, but that’s just my intuition talking. Or my false hope. Whichever you prefer.

Benefits from brother having a baby:
1) He has a legitimate reason to quit college. He didn’t want to go in the first place and is perfectly happy working at lego.
2) My parents spend less attention on me and more attention ragging on him.
3) I get another niece/nephew to smother with loveness.

All in all, I think this is a good developement. If it’s true.

On a completely different topic, Eric Whitacre’s music has inspired me to write a story clipit. If you care to read it, tell me what you think.

————————————————————-

A step. That was all it took. A step onto dewy green grass and a glance to the sky. That was all it took for her to be his. The clouds burst open and scattered the world with light, distracting him while a body appeared. An angel, he thought, as the scene turned grey in the after math. Surely she was an angel. The young woman before him glistened with rain drops, only wearing a faint golden robe thin as air. She was smiling slightly, her dark eyes and hair bringing a contrast to her blinding aura. Who was she? She stepped toward him. What was she? Her arms wrapped around him with a surprising force. Her lips found his ear.

“Beautiful.”

And just like that, she was gone.

I find myself waning again. These thoughts tire me. It’s like i’m running constantly even though my body isn’t moving. But I can’t pass out from this exhaustion. There is no heat to make me sweat and no muscles to collapse. It’s just the air around me and the thoughts passing through.

So what’s on my mind?

Three words. I’m dying to say them. To her. And i’m acting like such a child. Why can’t I say it?

I love you
I miss you

It’s not so hard-especially to a best friend. But I haven’t seen her in so long…and i’ve only said it a few times before. By now she has someone to really love and other friends who are by her every day. I guess the problem is i’m second guessing myself.

I want to say those things, but I don’t want to hear silence in return.
Like I used to.
But than again, I never used to care so much for her either.
Before, she was just another friend who I wanted to be close to, but couldn’t.
Now i’ve been drawn in further than a lot of people ever will get. And it’s likewise.
Now we’re sisters.
So can I be blamed for being a afraid that my sister doesn’t love me anymore?

Heh, fear isn’t very becoming is it?

So Jordan…I love you and I miss you. I hope you’re okay and that D is taking care of you. Even though I don’t say it, I worry and i’m glad he’s there. Someone has to take care of my sister while i’m away, right? I’m always a text away if you need me.

~A~

People my age aren’t supposed to feel this way.
We aren’t supposed to want to be old and rotting already.
But that’s what I find myself wanting all the time.

I want to give my youth away. I want to be that old lady with a bunch of cats who sits out on her porch during the day listening to the radio. I want to just relax and wither away, slowly dieing out of life.

But why? It’s not that i’m suicidal, but I just don’t want to live any more. It’s tiring and i’m going absolutely no where. I’m not going to do anything great or important. I’m just going to be a less than average person who can’t focus to save their life. I’ll probably end up homeless. Why waste my life away when it could already be over?

And then I think-what if I could trade? What if I could give my youth to someone who could do something with it? Someone old or dieing who could be an extraordinary person. They could save the people I wish to save, bring people together, love and care more than I ever could…And I would just be happy to finally be released from this life.

I know I have these dreams of being someone who saves people. Through music, through writing, through love. But they will stay dreams because I cannot change myself. I’m a dreamer and that’s where I end. I will never be someone more.

I’m a waste, like a weed, and all I want is to wither and die instead of bearing the heat of the summer sun again and again. Is that too much to ask, really, when there are so many flowers around me who can be so much more?

So my yesterday wasn’t that bad. I did wake up late, but my brother was home and I drove his car to the doctor’s. When I got home I passed my math practice final (take THAT geometry) and then my brother and I went swimming. Well, I swam. My brother tanned. Since when does that happen? D:

The rest of the day was filled with video games. My brother played Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles until he got stumped on the last map. I played a little bit of FFX and Kingdom Hearts (neither of which I have beaten yet; I suck at games) before calling it a night. All in all a good day.

But now I have to do those chores I skipped out on yesterday. Blah. There’s always something…

So, I went to the doctor’s yesterday and almost died. Not from an illness (I was there for a check-up), but from the shock when they told me I was WAY behind on my shots. To put it bluntly: shots would be more stressful to me than a gun being pointed at my head. I was ready to kill someone.

But of course it was a false alarm. My previous pediatrician didn’t fork over my entire shot history, so it’s all good now. I get to drive on my own for the third time tomorrow while I go back to the doctor’s and pick up the shot form for the school i’m transferring to. Oh joy.

I think i’ll go for a jog tomorrow morning. It’s a good mile to the library and I wouldn’t mind chilling out there for a while. After a good jog I could take a shower and then go to the doctor’s. Maybe i’ll even swing by Walgreens and buy that chocolate bar i’ve been craving. Then I can go home and do chores before working on my online math course.

In reality I know i’ll wake up late, rush through my shower, and not have time to stop while i’m out. I’ll probably just barely get my chores done before my parents get home and miss my math teacher signing on.

That’s the way things always go and why it hurts to dream.

Hmm…so my ‘Pro-JECT’ is doing well. We’re still getting more recruits and creative people to help out. Someone’s making a video to send in and we have banners and avitars. It’s crazy how much we’re into this. We just need more people…

So anyway…

I really want to get back into writing. Not ‘blog’ writing or journals, but actual story telling. I haven’t done it in ages. Well, a few months, but that’s ages to me. All of these amazing words and sentences flowing through my head are just dying to be written down and heard, it’s just that every time i’m in front of paper they disappear. As if they were water in my hands or a breeze passing by. It’s depressing.

I’m trying to figure out this urge, too. Why do I want to do this all of a sudden? I haven’t bothered for such a long time (minus the creative writing class I took recently), so why now? A little voice told me last night: ‘You want to be heard.’ And a while later I realized that it was right. When we die, our voice dies and we are forgotten. Horrible people are remembered, regal people, and amazing people alike, but for someone destined to go nowhere-I will just sink into the ground silently, like a bug you never noticed. I don’t want that to happen.

Perhaps everyone goes through this stage. I wouldn’t doubt it. We all dream of fame and glory at some point, but the thing is, I could care less about money. I just someone to know me-to think of me and smile. I want to effect people the same way artists do. They give out everything in themselves and reach into people hearts. Thousands are saved by a tremor in a voice, a brush stroke, or a typed word. It’s a miracle, really. But why…why can’t I do that too? Why was I destined to be so boring and plain, when I want to help so much?

And another voice says: ‘Take what was given to you and make it better. Make it yours.’ And so I listen, and watch, and read-learning from the artists I admire until I find an opportunity. I want to make a difference. I want to help. And so I will.

So, i’ve been working on a project the past few days. In fact, i’ve been so worked up about it I haven’t been outside in those few days, which is why i’m proud to announce that I walked a mile to the library today in plain sunlight. My skin thanked me.

To the point: the project i’m working on is pretty much amazing. But it needs support.

Written by PinkLadyDiva:

As you probably know by now, Japanese pop culture is steadily growing in the United States. There are thousands of dedicated fans all over the United States. Each day there are more that pop up.

In the past few years, there have been many Japanese artists to take the stage stateside. Jrock Revolution was a successful Los Angeles based festival. Pacific Media Expo is a convention that hosts Asian acts each year. At Anime Expo 2007 Japanese rock super group S.K.I.N. debuted. What about the other half of the United States?

In 2003 American anime convention Otakon hosted T.M. Revolution for his debut United States performance. The following year, L’Arc~en~Ciel debuted in front of over 12,000 fans. Legendary X Japan drummer YOSHIKI was guest of honor at the same convention in 2006.

Recently even more Japanese acts have been venturing west. West is the key point, to be more specific California. On Miyavi’s recent world tour, he performed four shows in the state of California. No other US stops. In 2006 L’Arc~en~Ciel vocalist Hyde performed shows only in California as well. S.K.I.N.’s only concert was in California. Aforementioned Jrock Revolution was a Los Angeles two day festival featuring 9 bands.

As previously stated, Japanese acts have come to the East coast. There is a fan base. It just seems like the majority stop in California. Also majority of East Coast performances are attached to anime conventions. There are plenty of venues East Coast for its abundant fan base. In 2007 Dir en grey sold out Nokia Theater New York. And let’s not forget the previous year they sold out the Avalon in New York with very little promotion. East coast fans are here and we are here to stay.

Pro-JECT is a group of dedicated East Coast based Japanese rock fans. We exist and we want our favorite Japanese artist here! Actions speak louder than words. We are taking a stand. We want you!

Pro-JECT plans to go directly to the source…the Japanese bands themselves. We will be writing letters campaigning for more acts to visit East Coast. Major cities include but not limited too, New York, Boston, Washington DC, Atlanta, and Orlando.

Skeptical? Don’t be. X Japan scheduled a performance in Taiwan because 10,000 fans sent letters requesting YOSHIKI to come to Taiwan. If we are loud enough and if we put in the effort, anything is possible!

Join us!

For more information on the J-Rock Revolution Festival Visit: www.jrockrevolution.com

To View the Original Thread Visit: http://www.jrockrevolution.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4766

This is what being locked in the house for days does to me. I have five post-it notes full of song artists and song titles and no lime-wire or itunes to download them from.

Word of the week: Deprivation.

I’m not allowed to drive on my own until I know the roads around here. My solution: let me mapquest my destination. If I get lost, I have a cell phone. Their argument: My car is a piece of crap that needs to go to the shop, and they don’t trust me to use theirs.

So i’m stuck here, getting paler by the day.

But I do have something to look forward to. On July 4, the radio station Star 102.1 is holding a concert near where I used to live. The bands playing will be: Good Charlotte, Metro Station, Boys like Girls, and Ace Young.

Admission fee: $0

Isn’t that amazing? And the friend i’m going with is 70% sure her dad can get us backstage passes.

I’ve never been to a concert before. I’m exciiiited

Bands I have recently begun to obsess over:

This is SuG. They’re under PSCompany’s Indie title. Their music is ‘Heavy Positive Rock.’ XD I know, that doesn’t make sense, but if you listen to their songs it kind of fits. I love the lead singer, Takeru (the pretty-boy in the middle), because we share a birthday. That fact makes me feel special for some reason…

This is Gazette. I’ve actually known about them for a few weeks now, and i’m not ashamed to say that i’m in love with them all. <3 Silly, crazy, amazing boys banded together to make awesome rock music. Though if you aren’t used to heavy jrock, it might take a while to get used to their style. It’s definitely…unique. ^.-

These two lovely people are the Dresden Dolls. No, they aren’t Japanese, but they’re crazy in a good way. Their music is more chill, but the way they perform it is like…well, really a musical performance. They use their whole bodies to evoke energy. And the singer, Amanda, has an amazing voice range.

Last one! This is Akeboshi. His songs are beautiful. I loved almost every one I heard. If you like chill, gorgeous music, check him out. n.n

Well, that’s it!
Ja ne ~(^.^)~