Mother crapper. 2k for a few ounce of cheap whiskey? I could had gotten myself a decent cognac. With all the babysitting I have to do last night, she should be the one footing that. It’s not the money I’m pissed about. It’s how her family sees all of these. I was with her AGAIN when she lose her mobe for the gazillionth time. She pissed cos she isn’t thinking well.

Ketchup is right. My judgement is clouded when it comes to dealing with her. WAIT A MINUTE! How was it my fault for not drunk sitting her when she was almost conjoined with that skank? I didn’t get her drunk. I barely ”hanged” with her all night. I just dealth with the her alcohol aftermath.

Mine fault for hanging out with a bad news as Ketchup calls her.

Reminds me of that movie Sliding doors. One of my favorites, I dare say. Yea. I’m actually thinking about world cup and how Spain unexpectedly claimed the title world champion of football. Smack me if you will. But yea. There’s a tropical depression and rain water leaking in my house but all I can think of is … World cup and Monty Pythons’s Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. Only Paul the octopus of course. That sad little wiggly animal. I think he made more enemies than Fuhrer Hitler himself. But enough about world cup for a bit. I was just thinking about something. A sliding door maybe, that lead me to where am I now? And it must had snowball, cos I know I’m going on about something I I don’t know. Fate? Coincidence? Luck? I’d like to believe in want. As in this is what I want so the choices I made lead me here. Buuut yea. Must be everything all rolled into one still. And the rain looks dangerously alarming. And I want to watch a replay of some match I missed.

I’m mumbling nonsense.

I’ve been looking thru things pensively, these days. Of life’s surprising turns and uproars. The rhymes and reasons, yanno. Of grace. On how we pursuit our proposes. And of the surprisingly wholeness of all of our actions really are. Seemed like my transitionary state has brought me to new take to this avenue once again.

And quite right, I might say something about world cup later on and/or that movie Avatar again. LOL. Or maybe not, just to spare you. You don’t have to bare with me on this one. I’m quite aware that I’m turning into a hallmark card lately. And I take delight that my mind only recognize goodness in life rather than the other. Cos at the end of it all, when you are being good to yourself, the world would be good to you too. So, never discount yourself from the search of life’s muse.

They say when you touch peoples lives, you pass on a form of energy. An energy that can only be converted to feelings and feelings to inspiration and inspiration to bold actions, should you choose to pass on good or bad energy, it’s up to you. And doing my part from these all. I say, be your own muse.

Love life and life would definitely love you back. Use your aces on yourself even. Love and sharing will come naturally after. And any change of, welcome it as a part of your growth. And by that, I really meant hennessy VSOP. Oh, men. I think I am in love with cognac once again.

And the world conspired for my happiness indeed.

Why are you panicking when you can’t lose me? We are bound by fate. ~whether I like it or not~

Why are you acting like I have anything to do with your happiness still? That’s guilt! That’s what’s holding you back. You don’t need my approval to be happy. So, you can’t look me in the eye? That’s ok. Suck it in. I think that’s the most honest and most decent reaction to give. I wished we parted in a nicer way.

You know how the saying goes, thinker’s are doers? I keep seeing evil everywhere lately. And it got me wondering, Am I seeing evil because I reflect evil in your eyes or my revulsion finally nauseate you?

I like to think that I’m just simply repelled by your the action. Apparently, that’s not all to it. It’s been 7 years since China and I had almost forgotten about everything until FIFA. And it’s just funny how everyone is avoiding this cos it’s inevitable. Sooner or later we need to drop the act. And I should be the one hurting! And I had. ~but let’s skip that bit, you don’t care about that~ But now, you are playing misunderstood. What’s the deal? You are happy. I’m finally happy. Our happiness are two separate things now. And I don’t see a problem there.

I’m not looking for an apology. I’m not looking for anything, in fact. Where you look, I simply look the other way. And I know for a fact that every time you hear my name, every memory of and everything that you associate me with, would tightly squeeze your guilt some more to this. Well, Tough life, matey. Suck it in cos aside from feeling repelled and numbed by what you did, I also feel unaffected by your appeal. And that’s that evil I am telling you about. I want to deny you of that peace of mind.

Cos this feeling, this collision of two forces brewing inside, these extreme weathers we faced, it left a puddles of mud where we constantly interchange places. A part that you solidify and a part that I soften and it had turned muddy all through out these years now. We should had dealt with it long time ago.

Now, I’m staring at this puddle of mud, looking at my reflection. And the paradox I see? You.

It’s so inviting to get my hands dirty. Thinkers are doers, right? I want to stay evil to you. Ironically, I also want to stop.

Permission to be baduy, by the way. I know, I had you almost believing that I’m a cynic(?). But I guess there are things in life that’ll make you twist your point of views into something you actually have no idea how to explain … blah blah blah … anything that’ll comes next doesn’t makes sense here. namsayin? So, let me steal Ronan Keating’s words and blame him for this madness. ~if and when things turn sour and i have to, yet again, twist my point of views to something i have absolutely no idea on how to make you understand~ At least, I have him to blame. Yea. So, here we go:

When you’re around the sun is always shining.
And since we met, I haven’t once stopped smiling.
The love I feel for you is almost blinding.
I’m running up and down the street,
Hugging everyone I meet.
Now you love me; life is sweet.
When I got you in my arms,
I can’t turn off the fire alarms.
When you’re around my eyes will never wander.
And there ain’t no-one else I’ve ever been more fonder of.
So babyko, don’t you break this spell I’m under.
When I look into your eyes I don’t have to fantasize.
You’re a dream that’s realized.
I’m dancing on the moon inside.
If life is cruel; then someone lied.

I dig it when we kiss and we hug and you’re cuter than a bug in a rug,
my love.

When you and me, no to end to us,
It makes me cry. It makes me trust.
When you and me, taste so sweet.
It makes me cry. It makes me trust.
Because we do what we do till it’s done.
I love the way we do what we do.
Because we do what we do and it’s fun~!

What are we doing, again? Still have no idea. Godayum, Ronan Keating. *shakes fist*

These rain won’t stop me from smiling.

Battling boredom is always a struggle. But leave me by myself in a room now and I can find ways to entertain myself. ~oh, get your mind out of the gutter, benstew~

It’s quite easy actually, all you need is some patience, an act of determination, a little time getting use to being alone and VOILA~* You are all set. It’s quite addicting sometimes too. You’ll crave the taste of solitary every now and then when you are away from it. And while no man dare claims to be an island, a little part of me hoped I can, just for these while at least, cos I miss it. Cos I miss that quite air of solitude. Ah.

But time remains noone’s friend. And inevitably, some things are bound to end. So does my faint sojourn of self confinement. Dragged by people close to me to and fro cities and beaches and lakes and places where unhappy people ~seemingly so~ come together in one place to rid themselves of their boredom. To be amused, maybe? But wow. I can tell, that I didn’t miss anything at all. On times I wish I was just at home, alone, by myself with just a a book or a DVD or just scratching my butt. I’m that secure of myself. Even when I’m buzzed, I look around and I can still say to myself: I don’t need this. I got everything I need except one. Someone. That’s just what I need.

So when M, my surprisingly new found friend told me, love don’t happen everyday, I believe her. I also believe she stole that quote from her most recent read. Ha ha. But I really, passionately believe that too. And I believe that I had just foolishly chase one away. ~again~ Cos every move would stir a great risk. And I’m afraid to risk. And I’m an idealist. And idealist are driven by the nature of youth. I thought I had grown wiser and older but turns out, I hadn’t learn anything at all! I’m still shallow. My strength are still limited to a single, ~but passionate~ fanatical conformity seduced by the good society. When will I ever learn to impose myself?

So, comes my desolation.

Funny cos awhile back I was wondering when will I get my peace from these … everyone who seemed to be constantly stealing my precious dorky, alone time. And I can’t wait to be alone.

Now, I am alone. I am alone retracing my way back in solitary. I should be familiar to this ally by now. At least I got my selfish hour back, ey? There’s nothing to look forward to in this but I wish you well.

If It was me who got a longer lease on life, I’ll probably would be more hungrier for life. Am I part of your new life? If not then, it’s ok. I learned a lot from you. That’s enough. You’re still a heaven sent.

And I’ll keep welcoming people who would want to step into my life and will still let people go when they they don’t want to stay anymore. Cos life is too short for regrets. I understand your need to be selfish like how I steal moments to catch my breath on a crampy random banyo of my friends choosing for a fun night.

Thank you for the breather. I’ll value both my time and my life even more now.

Hello little darlings.

I just turned a year older today. I don’t feel any wiser or older. So far it seemed like a regular day. What seemed different is that the mind catches on what the heart is up to. Which is what I eventually expected. And no. I still surrender myself to the changes that’s been going on. I’m still doing things I thought I will never do which is a comfort. Today, I am at one of the bestest beach in the world with people I didn’t expect to spend a birthday with. This marks my presence on this forgetful world. Shall a heart forget what the mind thinks unhealthy? I think no. Everyone who touched my life, good or bad shall stay in this heart. And the new ones should not replace them. I value my choice and yes. I had forgiven everyone. Even myself.

This day holds the key for new beginning. Baby, let’s be good to each other. I like that thought very much. If I start pulling my emotions to and fro, I hope you wont panic and leave. I want you to help me be the person I want to be. I have forgiven everyone but I still struggle to accept new things. Show me some patience and we’ll eventually bloom.

Summer is here. The sun has finally come. Let’s enjoy what the sun has to offer.

Just about the time I am having my worst. girl’s-night. out. ever. Fate brews a conspiracy.

Although reluctant to leave a three year in-a-row, almost-tradition, make-a-bean-paste-noodle-from-scratch day, I didn’t eat my bean paste noodle. Not this year. I also didn’t spent black day alone this year too. Instead, my friend and I cooked a very impromptu girls night out. Just the two of us. Girls. Alone. Party. We are sooo screaming ‘live bait’ in bright blinking neon light. *Live bait on the loose* :-/

Anyway, Like any bad plan we came up with, we knew we were serious. We are going to have so much fun. Yay~! Only problem, I never really have the same definition of ‘fun’ with this girl. I mean, I know I’m friends with her and all but I’m very much so the easy going type. I’m also not judgmental. When people say ”fuck you”, I say ”bless you” in reflex. ~you know, like the sneeze.~ That’s how easy going I am. Ergo, I panicked. At the seriousness of it all. At the thought of being alone with this friend of mine in a sea of sweaty, drunk, over or least-sexed maniacs who just want to tap that bitch. namsayin? And we are so screaming *LIVE BAIT* in bright blinking neon light. Oh wait, I already said that.

Anyway, I want to enjoy the night with a buzz and not baby sit someone and not get taken advantaged of while I’m drunk so I called a guy friend to sorta baby sit us but not exactly. namsayin? ~yea, i also don’t know what exactly i want my guy friend to do~ My guy friend thought I was just being a peanut or something so he ended up doing nothing. Few freakin shots, beer on straws and cocktails later, as predicted, WORST. GIRL’s-NIGHT. OUT. EVER. Ever.

Let’s just say, there were a lot of OMG under age Brazilian models, a lot of flirting, an long embarrassing episode of asian women psychology and a lost phone involve. Kinda embarrassing. My friend think I should not retell what happened. I think there’s nothing on it really. Just borderline good fun. ~the easy-going girl talks.~

So, ok, for the sake of good times and fun, let’s just blot out anything you normally wont want to tell your mom, namsayin? But no. Not this night. This night is pretty important for me.

This night surely is one of those night that if you change something, the outcome will also change. I may very well change my whole set of views in life now. Cos I think what happened near the banyo already started a small wave of change in me. Potentially changed the course of how my next five years will play out. Hm.

No. I’m way ahead of it. Not five years. Give me 5 hours more? Can’t get over the muah muah part. What the hell was that? LOL. I maybe wrong but it looks like someone’s in-love with peanut. I like the thought of that. ^^*