Sometimes I think it’s not just your narcissistic impulses that make you seek my attention. I crave for absolution while you seemed to be seeking more than just assurance. Am I feeding your ego the wrong words?

There’s nothing to deny about that. There’s a period of time in my life that I wished for you solely. That I thought you can only make my spirit move. Now, I’m just torn between the matrix of things. I am starting to think that you were once more involved than you actually admitted. It’s mind blowing. These repressed months, words and thoughts. It would be nice to know what happened, but by talking about it would mean the end of hoping. My absolution.

I don’t want to burst that shameful bubble full of ego I conjured thinking you really were more than involved than you admitted. You weren’t. But let’s just imagine that you’ll say so. There’s also no point of absolution now. Why am I prolonging my agony in this?

I lost a full afternoon calculating our ego matrix.

You staying here is more trouble than my worth? There was a hint of smugness the way you let things run between us. You call it balance, I call it pride. Such a certain injustice you did yourself that hurts me. It hurts me either way. Then again, I may be wrong. You may be doing this unconscious. How can you be such a meanie? You’ve always known my weakness of you. Are you back to take away what’s left of my dignity?

I’ve now considered your departure a gift from the universe. My guiding knowledge has been very patient with me and my struggle of your ghost.

You are my recurring one, yanno. I placed your plight on a pedestal. Everytime I try to take the pedestal away from you, you startle me with just a mere acknowledgment and and and some things are irrevocable. You’ve remain my weakness, dear. You made me wishing for some things we can salvage from that madness of it all now. Your presence is teasing. I don’t know why else you are still talking to me.

I still don’t know how to handle you. It hurts either way.

When I run, I feel the wind on my face coaxing me to turn around. But I keep running against the wind anyways. Cos the sun is kissing my face. Cos everyone is running towards that direction. Cos nobody questions what they are doing. It makes me feel my control over destiny. And it makes me think. Order. Everyone wants that. The further I go, the more simple things became. Another mile, and everything’s so clear. I know what I want now. But when the curves comes, I realized I am not in control. I just blur things by running fast. I turn a curve, had a change of mind but I keep on running anyway. I want to stop and think things thru but only when I stop will things go complicated again.

So I keep on running. To keep the order of things. Am I blurring the important things in life?

I have this nagging feeling. Like the wind is calling me to go somewhere. I don’t understand it since the wind took you from me. Step by step I’m starting to feel so away without you. Step by step, the farther you’ve gone.

I can just stop running. Simple things are never easy.

There are these little things you keep to yourself, I get it. I can’t possibly understand how it feels when a 12 year relationship ends. To be more thorough, I still don’t understand what’s holding you back from trying to win her back again. Sure, you’ll look like a *insert word here* if you do try, but that sure is a lot better than you regretting not looking like a *insert word here* for a short period of time trying. I mean, if you really mean what you say now, what else do you have to lose?

It’s ok. I don’t really expect a real answer. Listen to your hesitation. It is always better to know when to stop. A quick kiss and out of her life. It’s that easy. You’ll both be happy someday.

Or … just win her back now. You won’t become a saint if you give up what you want so she’ll be happy ‘’someday”. You don’t even know what’s in ‘’someday”. And ”now” is what counts.

Love. Do or die. There’s a symmetry. I dare you to treat it like a case of do or die.

Where did the moon go?

For the past few days my head was completely rebelling against my will to update my faint sojourn. I didn’t mean to leave everyone in a cliff-hanger. ~although, if I had, that shouldn’t be my problem, should it?XD~ I have done some major thinking about certainty. Anything solid. I preoccupy my mind with it while change rushes in in fragments.

Here. I’ll throw you a picture.

I feel like an unapologetic anchor. The one to disturb the peaceful reflection of the moon and the calmness of the sea when thrown to the ocean. That’s how these changes feels like, really. On the surface, above sea level, it stands in awkwardly and heavy but not hostile. Just distant and withdrawn. Like it understands its cause but just unwilling to take part from it all.

So there, a slight push and I dive the depth of the ocean without even questioning when I’ll hit the ground. Rudely disturbing the moon’s reflection and that filmsy border that separates worlds. The order of things a mess as I go further down. How my stubbornness made contact with the water, no longer important.

The surge rushes on. So sure of where it is taking me, promising a certainty that is right. A calmness after everything sets in. The moon’s gaze back even.

But I had lost my sense of adventure, I don’t fight for what I want like I used to and the weight surges on. My body, weak from changes and just barely catching up to that enticing promise of smooth surface. Still everything gushes forward, determined to make contact to the ground. I doubt its certainty, naturally.

Everyone close to me feels this change in me too. Directly, people around me dismisses it as my stubbornness. Indirectly, they wonder what causes it but encourages me anyway. To find certainty in this uncertainty. Ergo, the 2 bibles lying on the bed. But that story deserves a post of it’s own so let’s leave it at that for the time being.

For now, I’m an anchor and the moon, my inspiration. It promises to be on it’s brightest at least once a month. How long a change must I take before I hit the ground? Surely, I will get a little reward for going thru all of this motion, right?

Love. It comes in all form. For centuries, great poets and philosophers tried to capture its elusive definition in words. Yet, a lot, albeit most people are still not satisfied with the world’s most concise interpretations of the greatest minds recorded in history. I wonder why that is?

Tonight, while I was watching one of my soap on telly, a realization came upon me. And it has everything to do with love.

It occurred to me that desire is the most obvious sign of love. That when you desire, you attempt. And when you do attempt, you must really love what are you doing to take a risk. ~actually to be more honest, i stole that from a friend’s facebook status ~.^ ok. just the desire being the obvious sign bit. leave me alone.~ Anyways, just a realization. A realization that love actually is, a realization. It’s what compensates all those ‘OMG! I don’t know what I am doing but it felt good so I’m going to keep doing it.’ That realization. It’s just a shame that not everyone is graceful at handling that realization. Only a little get thru. There are a lot of love not realized cos we are not graceful enough to act on them, or we don’t know how to, maybe scared of the consequences. Or we don’t allow it. But it happens. And it’s not just going to happen one time in our life. It’s gonna keep on happening to us, all the time. Testing us, to allow it in. Even if you can’t sometimes. Even if you made up your mind that you wont.

That’s the beauty of it, this realization. It doesn’t really force us to act on it. It just provokes us. Sending our dopamine to go all silly for just a mention of someone’s name. ~ok. maybe fight or flight happens on this stage too but who knows exactly how one individual’s mind operates.~ Anyhoo, I don’t think I want one to pass me by anymore. I’ll stand to fight. This realization. I know I said I’m going to find wifey this year, it doesn’t have anything to do with it. How strange. Just a stupid realization, what-have-you? But f*ck it I just realized something tonight. I think I like someone. Think? you ask? ~yes, think with a question mark at the end.~ It’s out of my hands now.

All I have to do is wait till realization hit this person now. If it hits him, at all. And how he takes it.

My partial compensation of all foolish things I shall put up with. It’s all worth the risk, I think.

That’s what’s wrong with it. Recreation. If inspiration recreates inspiration, doesn’t that just put you back to step one? I think that’s where I keep doing it wrong. Kinda like how I get confused between divine will and divine intervention. Oh wait. Gaddamit peanut.

Too much big words. Should sleep this off.

There he was.

The moment he walked in was the very moment my hearing ability failed me. Everything needed focus suddenly. Distorted my ability to small talk. RC. Prf. I can bloody talk about jiao-zi for 30 minutes if I want to. namsayin? But not that moment. Ok. A little background. There’s this weird effect adobo does to peanut. Never really found out what that is but it is completely peanut-lethal and I don’t think I had fully recovered from it … yet.

So anyway, there I was, talking bout a hobby and acting interested in a remote controlled aircraft and then I noticed a pair of eyes avoiding to look my direction. Avoiding? That’s not really so interesting story you suspect, is it? Well, I’m accustomed of people’s attention. I’ve had different kinds of look, gaze, stares, glares even. I get ignored sometimes too. But not where I am from. All of those attention I really do get. If you know me first hand, you know what I mean. I just don’t look in-place, where I live. For everyone, I always look like I should live ’somewhere’. I believe I am living in their ’somewhere’ already. But let’s go back to the adobo story…

First, I noticed his arms. ~bicep~!? i know, right~! i really thought i look at the ass first too.XP~ And then slowly the resemblance came to play. It didn’t mean anything. But it got me thinking. What will I do if I see him? Will I A. throw my arms around him. B. slap him. C. cry D. none of the above. E. all of the above. F. … Three dots. Hm. I realized that I never really thought about seeing adobo again. I was so fixed on the thought of not seeing adobo again. But what if? An explosion of unknown emotion of unknown origin happened inside me. I think I even spaced out for a bit. My brother, O, who is little intuitive ~okay. okay. my action was a bit of a give away. i acted it. i always do~ *roll eyes* before embarking the plane he asked if I am ok since we are not going to be seated together. ~long story there. let’s skip it.~

And then, I found myself seated next to adobo look-a-like, who still refuse to acknowledge my presence. Big deal. 5 minutes more and my brother’s head popped from nowhere again to ask if I was ok. I said a sharp fine, way too quick too. But that was a good thing, cos I was bloody staring at adobo-look-a-like again. And then I pretended sleep so I can stare some more. Stalker material item number 34. Sunglasses. ~bless them and it’s inventor~ Stared. Kept staring until I forgot what I was thinking. Stared until the bloody male flight attendant startled me with a ‘ma’am do you want to move to mabuhay’? I am freakin pretending to be asleep, damit. ~.~

So, I am bad at pretending. I will move, hafto move, after all, I have no business with this adobo-look-alike and it’s rude to stare I thought. I told the male attendant if he could kindly tell my brother to move too. And to that, to the word brother, look-alike looked. How convenient. *weirdy smile* with his earphones on too. Ahh~ Stalker material Item number 35. We already have something in common. *more weirdy smile*

There is an option to reject the seat upgrade and get to know adobo’s doppelganger but I thought then that it was just sick wrong. That no matter how alike they seemed to be, I was attracted to a unique trait. Like a third nipple or something.XP

Anyway, I didn’t like the choices I was presented with and I ran out of salted in-flight peanuts; options too. And decisions should be done quick. At that moment, there was no logical reason why I should say no. With great regret, I slowly got up and moved my ass with deep thoughts in mind. What will I do if I see my adobo? I got up, went to the loo, broke the law for a bit before I spent the rest of my comfortable flight bothered with that thought.

At least, I had more of those salted in-house peanuts I thought.

Can you feel it? It’s called change. I rearranged my furnitures today. Out of whim. So many things are changing. I figure, while things are still in the motion, might as well rearrange my furnitures. That’s one of the feng-shui law. Ok. I just made that up.^^ It’s just one of those peanut thing I do when I feel inspired. The motion of change inspired me. It feels right. It feels … It feels … hm, it feels like I’m in this old place I stayed in for a couple of months. I didn’t get too cozy init cos I know I’m just stopping by. Temporary. Ah, that’s the word. That feeling always makes me feel active. Like I need to work on something to make me a better person. And that’s the reward too.

Hm. I’ve just recreated my inspiration.

The unpacked boxes and suitcase are the finishing touch, I guess. I never really finish unpacking my stuff. Wonder if … nah. A nomad doesn’t dream of home.

Just following the drumbeat. Where are you taking me?

I have deep attachments to the things I use. I still wear my white chucks. The one I had since high school. It’s a little beaten up by now but I still keep it. I like the feel of comfort and familiarity of it. We’ve gone to different countries and situations, white sneakers and I. And I shall only let go of that sneakers when it has given up on me completely. That’s how intense my attachment is to the things I am fond of. But now he wants my PC. That PC has been with me since AC ~after china.XP~ Yes, A lot of years. I spend most of my time re-downloading HKO on that PC. I crash it a lot of times cos … nevermind that. Point is. Change. Change has come. Didn’t I dream of it once? Well, there it goes, peanut. It’s happening now. I am closer to the heart of the drumbeat. I shall liberate myself to my attachments. Everything is replaceable. ~except for that white chuck … for now, atleast~

Why do I find myself saying goodbye all the time until now? Like everything in between China and now should all go? Maybe it’s for the better. I should re-5’s my everything in life right now as well, while change is happening. That’s right. Everything’s a little gubot at the moment. Things are rearranging itself for me. I find myself helplessly looking at things come and go. Condescendingly. As if I am at it’s mercy. I don’t like the feeling of tense and helplessness and not being able to do anything about things that passes me by cos I believe in free will and determination, but this is beyond me.

So, while everyone and everything scramble in chaos, while everyone and everything find it’s place, I’ll take shelter at the peace within me. I shall be one with the drumbeat.

In short, Ignore everything and just blog.XP ~still hate that word~