Ouch.

I had been visited by a series of emotions as of late. It always happen when I know I’m about to have a change of scenery, in that search for that constant thing everyone geared up for. That’s when everything seemed like it’s brimming with urgency. Like these feeling is about to expire. Namsayin? In the process, I realized that I’m slowly turning into a robot. I’m gradually forgetting my advocacies.

Tried to relive that spontaneity for a while. You know, feel the rush. It felt redundant. But it soon hit me though, that I was way ahead to know better. Cos I’ve been there, done that. I’m cliche and so are you. Heh. I just really want that to rhyme. So hard to find something to rhyme that with. Anyway, I had a full on conversation in a foreign language last night. I wasn’t aware I was speaking in his language until a friend of mine look at me like I’m some kind of a space nut before leaving us alone. I think I was on an auto-pilot comfort mode. Like I feel that restless emotion. Yesterday, I reconnected with an acquaintance I met on a v short trip, he can’t stop talking about how much fun he remembered that trip was. He got his facts right, all right, except I don’t remember it to be that fun. Somehow, I aide him change his life and of course, the funnest weekend ever. Isn’t that nice. I didn’t know I became an instant inspiration. Also a week ago from today, I spied a small shop that is owned by a foreign national. Naturally, I got curious at his operation so I poked a little. Every moment I spent poking brings me back to an alley. A wildly vivid picture in my head. I almost burnt myself from laughing at the timing.

It reminded me on how T stayed to watch me leave. I feel like going over his office and sitting him up for a chat. I know it’s none of my business but I hope he look at it like it’s a right of passage. Sum up all these little redundancies and he can actually learn something from it. I know I learned something.

All you have to do is figure out if it’s worth your time. End the game right, my friend.

I’ll never find what I am looking for. I want to go home now.

I haven’t seen a sunrise and a sunset; I hear it’s beautiful. I want to hold hands with someone I love. I want to walk the streets of Europe. Get lost in the crowd. I want to indulge poetry. I want to be completely humbled by nature’s beauty. And languages, oh languages. Even when I don’t understand every word. It’s like looking at a rainbow. ~ok, no idea why I said that.~ Sounds gay. Sounds happy. Sounds like I still don’t have a clue why I said that. But it’s the constant smile. The catching of snowflake with your tongue for the first time. Stars. Universe. Life’s grace. That’s the best things in life~!

I know, you must be more confused than the usual. I’m just saying, Let’s celebrate every minute of it. I intend to leave this Earth with traces of truths. Snippets of me. A million snapshots here and there. A cryptic anecdote?

Being around death have it’s way of reminding us of what’s really important. There goes another reminder. To K’s shortened life. And everything he left behind.

Cheers.

Sometimes I think it’s not just your narcissistic impulses that make you seek my attention. I crave for absolution while you seemed to be seeking more than just assurance. Am I feeding your ego the wrong words?

There’s nothing to deny about that. There’s a period of time in my life that I wished for you solely. That I thought you can only make my spirit move. Now, I’m just torn between the matrix of things. I am starting to think that you were once more involved than you actually admitted. It’s mind blowing. These repressed months, words and thoughts. It would be nice to know what happened, but by talking about it would mean the end of hoping. My absolution.

I don’t want to burst that shameful bubble full of ego I conjured thinking you really were more than involved than you admitted. You weren’t. But let’s just imagine that you’ll say so. There’s also no point of absolution now. Why am I prolonging my agony in this?

I lost a full afternoon calculating our ego matrix.

You staying here is more trouble than my worth? There was a hint of smugness the way you let things run between us. You call it balance, I call it pride. Such a certain injustice you did yourself that hurts me. It hurts me either way. Then again, I may be wrong. You may be doing this unconscious. How can you be such a meanie? You’ve always known my weakness of you. Are you back to take away what’s left of my dignity?

I’ve now considered your departure a gift from the universe. My guiding knowledge has been very patient with me and my struggle of your ghost.

You are my recurring one, yanno. I placed your plight on a pedestal. Everytime I try to take the pedestal away from you, you startle me with just a mere acknowledgment and and and some things are irrevocable. You’ve remain my weakness. You made me wishing for some things we can salvage from that madness of it all now. Your presence is teasing. I don’t know why else you are still talking to me that way.

I still don’t know how to handle you. It hurts either way.

When I run, I feel the wind on my face coaxing me to turn around. But I keep running against the wind anyways. Cos the sun is kissing my face. Cos everyone is running towards that direction. Cos nobody questions what they are doing. It makes me feel my control over destiny. And it makes me think. Order. Everyone wants that. The further I go, the more simple things became. Another mile, and everything’s so clear. I know what I want now. But when the curves comes, I realized I am not in control. I just blur things by running fast. I turn a curve, had a change of mind but I keep on running anyway. I want to stop and think things thru but only when I stop will things go complicated again.

So I keep on running. To keep the order of things. Am I blurring the important things in life?

I have this nagging feeling. Like the wind is calling me to go somewhere. I don’t understand it since the wind took you from me. Step by step I’m starting to feel so away. Without you. Step by step, the farther you’ve gone.

I can just stop running. Simple things are never easy.

There are these little things you keep to yourself, I get it. I can’t possibly understand how it feels when a 12 year relationship ends. To be more thorough, I still don’t understand what’s holding you back from trying to win her back again. Sure, you’ll look like a *insert word here* if you do try, but that sure is a lot better than you regretting not looking like a *insert word here* for a short period of time trying. I mean, if you really mean what you say now, what else do you have to lose?

It’s ok. I don’t really expect a real answer. Listen to your hesitation. It is always better to know when to stop. A quick kiss and out of her life. It’s that easy. You’ll both be happy someday.

Or … just win her back now. You won’t become a saint if you give up what you want so she’ll be happy ‘’someday”. You don’t even know what’s in ‘’someday”. And ”now” is what counts.

Love. Do or die. There’s a symmetry. I dare you to treat it like a case of do or die.

Where did the moon go?

For the past few days my head was completely rebelling against my will to update my faint sojourn. I didn’t mean to leave everyone in a cliff-hanger. ~although, if I had, that shouldn’t be my problem, should it?XD~ I have done some major thinking about certainty. Anything solid. I preoccupy my mind with it while change rushes in in fragments.

Here. I’ll throw you a picture.

I feel like an unapologetic anchor. The one to disturb the peaceful reflection of the moon and the calmness of the sea when thrown to the ocean. That’s how these changes feels like, really. On the surface, above sea level, it stands in awkwardly and heavy but not hostile. Just distant and withdrawn. Like it understands its cause but just unwilling to take part from it all.

So there, a slight push and I dive the depth of the ocean without even questioning when I’ll hit the ground. Rudely disturbing the moon’s reflection and that filmsy border that separates worlds. The order of things a mess as I go further down. How my stubbornness made contact with the water, no longer important.

The surge rushes on. So sure of where it is taking me, promising a certainty that is right. A calmness after everything sets in. The moon’s gaze back even.

But I had lost my sense of adventure, I don’t fight for what I want like I used to and the weight surges on. My body, weak from changes and just barely catching up to that enticing promise of smooth surface. Still everything gushes forward, determined to make contact to the ground. I doubt its certainty, naturally.

Everyone close to me feels this change in me too. Directly, people around me dismisses it as my stubbornness. Indirectly, they wonder what causes it but encourages me anyway. To find certainty in this uncertainty. Ergo, the 2 bibles lying on the bed. But that story deserves a post of it’s own so let’s leave it at that for the time being.

For now, I’m an anchor and the moon, my inspiration. It promises to be on it’s brightest at least once a month. How long a change must I take before I hit the ground? Surely, I will get a little reward for going thru all of this motion, right?

Love. It comes in all form. For centuries, great poets and philosophers tried to capture its elusive definition in words. Yet, a lot, albeit most people are still not satisfied with the world’s most concise interpretations of the greatest minds recorded in history. I wonder why that is?

Tonight, while I was watching one of my soap on telly, a realization came upon me. And it has everything to do with love.

It occurred to me that desire is the most obvious sign of love. That when you desire, you attempt. And when you do attempt, you must really love what are you doing to take a risk. ~actually to be more honest, i stole that from a friend’s facebook status ~.^ ok. just the desire being the obvious sign bit. leave me alone.~ Anyways, just a realization. A realization that love actually is, a realization. It’s what compensates all those ‘OMG! I don’t know what I am doing but it felt good so I’m going to keep doing it.’ That realization. It’s just a shame that not everyone is graceful at handling that realization. Only a little get thru. There are a lot of love not realized cos we are not graceful enough to act on them, or we don’t know how to, maybe scared of the consequences. Or we don’t allow it. But it happens. And it’s not just going to happen one time in our life. It’s gonna keep on happening to us, all the time. Testing us, to allow it in. Even if you can’t sometimes. Even if you made up your mind that you wont.

That’s the beauty of it, this realization. It doesn’t really force us to act on it. It just provokes us. Sending our dopamine to go all silly for just a mention of someone’s name. ~ok. maybe fight or flight happens on this stage too but who knows exactly how one individual’s mind operates.~ Anyhoo, I don’t think I want one to pass me by anymore. I’ll stand to fight. This realization. I know I said I’m going to find wifey this year, it doesn’t have anything to do with it. How strange. Just a stupid realization, what-have-you? But f*ck it I just realized something tonight. I think I like someone. Think? you ask? ~yes, think with a question mark at the end.~ It’s out of my hands now.

All I have to do is wait till realization hit this person now. If it hits him, at all. And how he takes it.

My partial compensation of all foolish things I shall put up with. It’s all worth the risk, I think.

That’s what’s wrong with it. Recreation. If inspiration recreates inspiration, doesn’t that just put you back to step one? I think that’s where I keep doing it wrong. Kinda like how I get confused between divine will and divine intervention. Oh wait. Gaddamit peanut.

Too much big words. Should sleep this off.