My weekend was nice actually.

Friday-Party at Espi’s house with my department coworkers.

The bad: 2 hours trying to get to her house, it’s unbelievable how many cars are out a friday between 5-7 pm. My annoying “shadow”

The good: I laughed a lot, enjoyed, we gave Sara a bottle of Blue Nun gold edition and we all had a glass of wine. I finally made up my mind about Leo.

Saturday - Mom, Leo’s rehearsal, 2 different gigs.

First my sister and I went shopping with my mom, we should have done this before, just the three of us, it was so funny! Then we went to mom’s house, my sister stayed there and I went back home really quick to leave the shopping and then run to pick up Leo.

When I arrived to Pablo’s house (the drummer, where they practice) they were not over yet which was good because I could hear the new song finished, it is only missing the lyrics but Leo already explained me what the song is going to talk about, and I could hear him sing, which is always good.

Then we hit it to a gig where Leo was going to sing.The good: the band making their debut. The bad: The song Leo was supposed to sing with the other band, they didn’t call him and they just kept on playing. He got pissed up and leaved the place. Mau went after him, then came to look for me beacuse Leo wanted to leave.

We went to another gig, everything went good there, then we went to a bar to keep on drinking. Since Leo was pissed off and alcohol was not affecting him, I decided to have fun and that he will drive back. I slept a couple of hours at his house and went back home when he got up to go to work.

I tried to talk to him on Saturday, but he was so mad that it was not possible to talk about it. I hope I am able to talk to him and that my chance is still there. wish me luck

So I’ve been doing some changes in my life, like new hairdo, nose piercing, more party, I got over Gabriel, have some sort of relationship with Leo that I would like to somehow make “official”. concentrating more on the Belly Dance.

But maybe I should consider changing even more. Like live alone, me, my stuffed animals and Luna. maybe change my job. Maybe this last one more than the first one.

I like my job, I love writing, but seriously, answering phone calls does not qualify as answering emails, or does it? According to one of my 2 bosses, it does, and I should just shut up and do as she says.  That’s not motivating at all.

The company is going through a tough situation, it is true, but if a comapny wants to keep the few employees it decided to have on a not so clever decision, they should try to keep you motivated and happy, not just yell at you and tell you “I am the boos, do as I say, I don’t care how you feel”

Everything in life is a cycle, maybe my cycle here has ended and it time to move on.  As my decision to move on in life and stop crying over the spilled milk.

Let’s see what happens, if it time to leave, a new opportunity, better, will appear on it’s own.

Ok, a month and a half ago, Leo told me directly and just this way “I like you, I’m interested in you, I want you to give us a chance” I was like and I was honest with him, at that moment I was still depressed and crying for Gabriel, so I was in no position to have a relationship with anyone, since I had nothing to give back, but a friendship.

Still, we go out sometimes, like friends. Two weeks ago my depression was gone, officially. Right away he asked “then what, you and me?” and  I “take it slowly, I don’t want to run, look what happened last time I ran” and he agreed, telling one more time to please let him know the moment my feelings towards him change.

Well, I think they have changed a little. He left me thinking about everything. And well… I want to give him a chance. I was all decided and gather  enough courage to tell him on Monday, but I was not able to do so for different reasons related to work, and then… courage is gone…. and I am hesitating again….

A couple of my friends who knows the whole story from my past relationships and have seen how I suffered when Gabriel dumped me, have told me to just jump in into the water and swim.

I want to do it. I like him and I have a great time when we are together. After all, it will be just dating and not rushing into a relationship. This time I want to make things right, and avoid being hurt again as bad as Gabe hurt me.

I just needed to write this down, as this helps me organize my head.I will tell him tomorrow, since I am not going to see him today and I want to tell him personally. I hope I can

I really am enjoying being alone, with myself and doing whatever I want.

But sometimes I do miss having someone to talk to at night, to hug, to kiss, to enjoy simple stuff… that tells me “You were great!” after a show… I like sharing this little things.

But I know I need some time on my own, to enjoy myself  and clear up in my head on what I really want from a man, and if I want to just spend time with him or if I am looking for someone to be with me for the rest of my life… That idea used to sound great, but now… not so sure about it…

I guess that even tough I am already out of my depression, I am still a little hesitant about trusting men again…

To move on and continue with my life. However, I am not sure if I should make Leo my official dating guy…

We’ve been “special friends” for almost a month now, and he asked me again how I feel about him and to please let him know the moment my feelings towards him change.

I have a great time with him, I really enjoy being around him, but I don’t want to run, I don’t another Gabriel to happen in my life… I know I shouldn’t be judging guys based on this kid… but It was awful, to think that the guy was in love with me, and that he was giving all he had to make me fall in love with him just to find out it was all an illusion and a lie…. right when I fell in love with him…

People who knows him have tell me to be careful whit him, because he is waaaaaaaaay to crazy, I’ve noticed that, believe me it is not hard to notice it. Grace says he is the detail kind of guy with girls, but that he is too crazy and he loves drama “well you too love drama, maybe you should try it” jajajaja

“You’ll never know if you don’t go” “If you don’t risk, you don’t win”

I need to think it deeply I guess….

How come, being the woman that I am, who does not let her self be handled by men, I am suffering for a jerk?

On his blog he wrote “For being honest with her because I didn’t feel anything for her” then why the heck he told me we has interested in me, that he wanted something serious and for real with me? because he didn’t feel anything for me?

That makes him a liar, the worst kind of liar, who comes and plays with a broken heart, gets what he wants and then run away…. I thought he was different, I thought he was a good person, but I guess I was wrong….

I am a whole person and I don’t need a man to survive. I don’t need worthless people around me… there are a lot of people who cares about me, and the right guy who would like to share his life with mine is somewhere out there. And that is the idea, to share… kids doesn’t understand this, and that is why they hurt the people they are with….

I’m done in this battle, but I am not the one who lost it, he is the one who is lost the chance to have the best person he could ever imagine with him. If he likes girls who makes hell of his life, treating him bad, then go search for one of them.

I’m still not ready to get involved in another relationship, but I think I am ready to open my mind and give men another chance and proof there is one out there who is not a selfish bastard.

I am ready to heal now. And God will give me the strength I need to heal and to keep my heart from being broken again.

Friday was my b-day, it was cool.  Dad called me, which was a really nice surprise. The celebration that night… well, none of “my boys” were able to make it, my best friend was not able to make it because her mom fell down the stairs, and everyone had an excuse for not making it.

However, Saturday was different. Mom´s lasagna for lunch, the I had a gig at Jazz Cafe (yeap Juanpa was there :D). After the gig we went to a place called “Retrovisor” (View Master). Cardamomo and everyone else would not stop singing happy b-day to me, so I got a free drink for being my b-day, a “cucaracha” It has a lot of liquors and fires up! That hit me inmidiatley, since you have to drink it really fast or the straw will met in the flames.

When the place closed, we did a little party at the parking lot with percussion and dancing, and then we hit it to another place that closes really early in the morning. Rodol drove my car since I was too drunk. I didn´t drink anything there, I was waiting for the alcohol effect to pass a little.

Ericka made up a game, which I enjoyed a lot, and I guess Juanpa did as well

An sunday, well.. I got back home almost at 6:00am, I slept untill 2pm and I am about to go to bed.

I just wanted to make an entry about my b-day. Even tough friday was not as exiting as I expected, I am never going to forget the wonderful party I got from the most unexpected people, Cardamomo and the dancers!

Thx guys for such a wonderful b-day party!

I am really trying to get over him…. I thought I did, since I decided not to feel anything for anyone… but guess what? he still has power over me…

Yesterday he was telling me that Leo suddenly stopped talking to him and that he even ignores him… He told me the only reason he can think of for that situation is that Leo is interested in dating me and that he might think that makes them enemies or something…

I told him I do not know what is inside Leo´s head, that he did told me that he is interested in me, but I told him that right now I do not want anything with no one…

He told me “ok…” and that of course (since I was sick on bed doing nothing) made me think a lot of things…. would that give him green light to search for someone else (or to be with her)? would it make him think he doesn´t have a chance with me anymore? would that relieve him so that we can have our friendship back the way it was?

And well…. everything started to remember me of him… everything! That is the negative side of not doing nothing all day long… You think too much and you start making a storm in a glass of water… plus medicines! hm, well just imagine…

Right now I feel sad, but I know I will be better tomorrow, with my strenght back and I will keep my idea of having a cold heart for a while… they can´t hurt you if you don´t feel anything

hehe, this is on Kylie Minogue’s “X”, I just love this song and maybe I can sing it ti someone someday

Like a Drug

Kylie Minogue

Boy, ya, you got it, got it
You got me feelin’ crazy ’bout my body
I, I cannot cannot stop it
You got Me movin’, got me rockin’ rockin’

Like a drug, like a drug
Like a drug, like a drug
Like a drug, like a drug
Like a drug, like a drug

Once more I did something I am not sure I should have done…

I thought about it before doing it, this time, decided I was not going to do it…and ended up doing it anyways….

However, I enjoyed it and I think I can handle the situation… It was not my idea, so I shouldn’t worry about the other side, but mine only. I just need to concentrate in the original idea and center myself there. This time, I am the one who will be cold hearted…

Enough of being the naive me, who gets all exited and gives away everything thinking sheis receving back the same, when the truth is she is not getting anything back… Time for a little change, at least for a while.