So, I am alone,with no “significant other” to share my life with, and I must admit it feels strange.

For almost 10 years now, I haven’t been completely alone, with no one by my side. Not with the same guy, 3 official boyfriends and some other guys who I just dated for a while. Like Gabriel, we just dated for about a month, and still, it hurts as if we actually had a relationship for years….

But, well, I have my choices I guess. Diego is trying to come back to my life, However, I my trust on him was lost so many months ago, he first needs to work on that, and gaining my trust back isn’t easy….

T hen there is my dear friend Leo, he just wants to be my friend, but he has also told me he finds me really attractive and he wouldn’t mind dating me…

And Juanpa… God! Saturday Cristibel kept on “throwing” me to him, and she literally did once… They were dancing, the song was over, next song Cris extended her hand to me, I took it, she made do a turn, and bam! I was on Juanpa’s arms however, we did not dance, the song was too slow and he said he didn’t know how to dance that… It is pretty obvious he likes me, but I don’t know…. think I’ll need to know him better. We might go out to the movies, he just didn’t told me when … No really, Juanpa?!

I guess this is a good time to be alone, know what I would like on a man, and just date from time to time, nothing serious… at the time. As for Gabriel… as much as I like him, and as much as it hurts admitting it, I need to forget him, he just does not deserve me… he had his chance and he wasted it….

How do you get out of your mind and heart someone that you know is no good for you, but still every time you see him smile, everything else seems to disappears and you don’t care about anything but that sweet beautiful and warm smile?

How can someone love someone who has hurt you so deeply? How can someone accept so much pain in their life so carelessly?

How much can a heart suffer? How much pain can a human being take before loosing faith, reality, hope… love and hatred and become… nothing?

Yeah, I am gamer, and rock band rocks!!!

LOL

I tried our guitar hero but i really sucked, but somehow, the wish of wanting to play with my siblings, made me take rock band´s guitar and play, and it wasn´t that bad!

The drums are incredible, and as a Karaoke Revolution fan, vocals are great as well… though I don´t know many of the songs

I am feeling better today. Even if my judgment is not fair, and nothing actually happened between them, just the fact that she spent the night over his house (by the way, he just moved in, so he only has two couches and his bed) it hurts enough. The fact of knowing this, the way he said good bye to her and that he didn´t even cared about introducing us, has told me as clear as crystal water that he is not the person I thought he was, and that he is a coward, who does not deserves me.

I think I´ll be sometime by myself for a while, so I can clear up my head, think about my life and what I really want from and in a man, not just good looks, or a great lover. Honesty is important as well, trust, transparency… A real man, not a kid who is just playing around and doesn´t actually care about the people who are around him.

I was supposed to write an entry about rock band and I end up writting abour me and my feelings again…

Can´t help it sorry, I´ll just stop here and go back to play rock band for a while, watch a Bleach episode… and I´ll be fine again

So I supposed that he was leaving me because of her. But guessing and watching… wow the shock….

She has been leaving him messages, he has been watching over her blog… They are good “friends” now…. But knowing she spend the night in his house… watching them say goodbye…

How do I know you ask?

Well, even tough it is Sunday, I am at work, I changed the day with tomorrow so I can do somethings I need to do. Sunday morning, 5:40 am, Bus stop near his house, he is standing there, with her… she doesn’t even live nearby, she lives in another city! I know they were in a party at some of their friends house, near o his house, but why did she left with him? why didn’t she stayed at the other house?

I’ll tell you why, because he still loves her, and she knows that and that she can do with him whatever she wants… as far as I know she is dating someone…

I know it is stupid, this is a pathetic situation… I am so frustrated! I would like to kill them both!!!! aarrrrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!

How could I be so stupid?! He is the one who lose, not me… He does nor deserves me. If he wants to keep on suffering, then be it! I do care about him, he is still my friend, I can still hang out with him… but it was just stupid to consider he could fall in love with me, I was just the beautiful woman who he liked, he was able to date and that was all he wanted from me… After all he is just a kid…. the same as always, kids only know how to hurt….

I normally only write my life “tragedies” here, but I should star writing some happy things as well.

I love tribal Belly dancing, and lately this is what I’ve been dancing with Hilal, and with Cardadmomo, they even composed a new song for me!

Since now Cardamomo will be performing every last saturday of the month at Jazz cafe (and obviously me ;p) I told JuanPa that we should make a tribal percussion solo, so there can be some variety to implement from show to show. It will be fun, he is like a walking joke

I was thinking something like the one Rachel and Tobias did at tribal fest 07. let’s see what JuanPa can do with those drums

So, everything in life is about decisions and not about feelings, right?  Because if I base my life in feelings… God I’ll be dead already!

So I have decided to change. My feelings for Gabriel are definitely very strong, and they do hurt a lot. But if I keep holding on to the pain they are causing, I will die of sadness.

I am cheerful, full of life, and by holding up to the sadness of not being able to express my feelings for him, would have ended up draining the positive and happy part of me.

So, last night I prayed, and ask God to please take that sorrow I was feeling away from me, to take and to please give wisdom to continue and the necessary strength to walk this path I am in now.  And guess what? I feel better today. I now that with God’s help I will be able to walk it and survive.

I have not given up,  I just realized that now is not the moment to be with anyone at all. If it has to be, it will be. Who knows, maybe I haven’t met my prince charming yet…

So, keeping my forehead on front, I will continue to walk this path, along with God, Jesus and Luna xD (I think she is the only one who loves me bunches right now, jaja)

How fast can someone fall into depression? well, seconds…

Just a few words of the person you care about, and that you are trying to hold on to, and your world can be destroyed…

That same feeling I had 2 weeks ago, that I wanted to tear my heartouytof myself, thathe was able to take away just with a smile and a hug, he can was able to bring it back with a few words….

How can I be so pathetic and still want to try to be with him? I mean, clearly he doesn’t even know what he wants … after all he is a kid…. I knew, I should have kept my promise of not dating kids… all they know what to do is hurt…. and hurt deeply!

why? why does he has to be so charming and so annoying at the same time?

Why can’t he be the man he was pretending to be when he came to me? why he has to be such a coward? why am I so afraid of confronting him?

Why do I feel like I made a bad choice? That I am going on the wrong lane and I am just loosing myself?

I decided last week to live one day at the time… maybe I should decide to stop feeling… Cris said it is not a good idea, and that she does not recommend that to anyone… But at this moment I feel like it will make my life easier… Just not feel anything about anyone… no not anyone…. both of them….

However…. I can’t do anything to fix people’s stupidity, if I was able to do so, I will still be with Diego and about to get married… and I wouldn’t be in this stupid situation with a ridiculous crush on kid who has make me believe in him but doesn’t want me with him….

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First, my weekend, saturday Idanced at “Festival Mundo Loco”, it was nice, I used my fire fans and people went crazy about them, I have never received so many applauses while dancing, oh and well of course, Cardamomo’s song is just amazing and that helped :p

It was near impossible to get out of there early, and considering my car was half mountain away, it would not have been wise to walk alone back to it, so I just had to wait until the guys decide to go back so they can walk me to my car. That happened at 1:15 am approximately.

A ll my stuff was on Tavo’s car, so I had to meet them up somewhere to get them. That was on a 24hour restaurant, around 3:00am. Yes, it took me 1hour and 1/2 to get out of that terrible place

Since I was hungry, I decided to eat something. I got out of there around 4:00am in the morning. I took Cristibel to her house, and when I was alreadynear my house, bam! A jerk decided the stop sign was not important, and that he can continue his way, and guess what? yes he crashed my car…

The car he was driving is from a newspaper, so the newspaper will pay for everything. Due to this situation and the fact that my brother is out of the country, I found myself in the need to call Diego… The last time I saw him was on January when we broke up…. Well he helped me, we were able to talk, and actually we were having a nice conversation until he mentioned that he missed me, that he still loves me…. I had to walk away, then tell him I do not want to be with anyone right now.

Now about Gabriel, yes I like this kid a lot, he certainly is driving me crazy, but crazy because I don’t get him… Sometimes I think he does want to keep on dating me, some others I feel like he just hates me… and me? well I love those green eyes, that beautiful smile… This morning I was talking to him, and he was browsing this forum he visits a lot. He was reading her blog… what does he care about her now? about her life?why does he haveto inform himself about what happens in her life? Yes I am jealous! She, by the mere fact of existing, is stealing my opportunity to get to know this guy. I even feel she gets more attention than I do! And I am here!

He makes me feel good, happy, and like a human being, he gave me back that feeling… although he is taking away so many others… He definitely did something to me…

Ok, so my last entries have been songs, but what ever…. I love music, it is a big and important part of my life, and lately some songs do describe my life or feelings or situation… No special feeling about Nelly, but here is another song from her that can be applied to my life

Say It Right
Nelly Furtado

In the day

In the night

Say it all

Say it right

You either got it

Or you don’t

You either stand or you fall

When your will is broken

When it slips from your hand

When there’s no time for joking

There’s a hole in the plan

Oh you don’t mean nothing at all to me

No you don’t mean nothing at all to me

Do you got what it takes to set me free

Oh you could mean everything to me

I can’t say that I’m not lost and at fault

I can’t say that I don’t love the light and the dark

I can’t say that I don’t know that I am alive

And all of what I feel I could show

You tonite you tonite

From my hands I could give you

Something that I made

From my mouth I could sing you another brick that I laid

From my body I could show you a place God knows

You should know the space is holy

Do you really want to go?

Just listen to Björk, and do as the following song says….

HUNTER

if travel is searching
and home has been found

i’m going hunting
i’m the hunter

I’m going to play the hunter, ok, it will be nice to be the hunter for a change… and I think it will work, it’s kind of working already