I wait all night and he doesn’t come back.

Ow. My heart.

Jacob sent you a message.

——————–
Subject: Alright here it is

I’m sorry for fighting with you today. I’m just so uncomfortable with myself these days and it’s working it’s way into many aspects of my life. I might have made a few sour points during our arguments. Big deal. I’m a guy, and no one’s perfect.

I know you’ve heard the story many times, and it might even be monotone by now, but I’m full of energy. And a large portion of it that is supposed to be used for love is just stockpiling into anger. Thats why i’m having sudden feeling s of anger at anything, and even the slightest nice thing makes me so happy, because it’s an outlet. and it’s tearing at me on the inside, it’s calling me names and poking fun at my flaws, and it’s driving me insane. It hates me and hates everyone that will try and help me. And it’s killing me, slowly but surely. Just ask nick how many times i’ve told him my fantasies of killing myself as they come. I’m not looking for your sympathy, I know it’s not coming my way, not now at least.

The only reason I’m hung over you so damn particularly is because I didn’t have these problems before I dated you or during, but i did after. You’re my first high school girlfriend, you know. Things get more serious as you progressin life. and we had some amazing times, there’s no denying that. And because I can’t remember anything good out of mine and saras relationship. dont u think i would have dated her again if i didnt have reason not to?

Taryn keeps telling me about how told her you want to know why I’m “in love” with you. but i know thats not the truth, you wouldn’t want to hear all that. U find me annoying among other things. But I wont let that stop me. because i am in love. start crying now, if you think it’s a trap. I love you, lizzie, as devestating that might be. and i’m not speaking “valuelessly” when I call you beautiful. I think every part of you is beautiful from your soft skin to you letting me warm your tiny cold hands, your big, dark, bold eyes to your calming yet uplifting smile. Oh what a pathetic routine I play, professing all this hollywood stuff, but i refuse to conform to the bland ways you want the person you like to live by. I’m romantic, you may not be, you may never be. But that doesn’t mean there can’t be an “us”, that “we” would never work out, because as far as I’m concerned, we were doing a smashing job last time.

you are an amazing person Lizzie. and i can say this with all the bad stuff i know about you. that counts for something. Sure, Em might peg you as boring and unkind to my loving ways, sara might say i’m hopeless in going after you, you might say, whatever it is that you do actually say, but i find you amazing. I feel like if i do finally find someone else i want to be with, even if they’re prettier or sweeter, or even if the love me, i fear they won’t live up to what you did, and render the same emotion i had (have) with you. The care i get from holding ou as you cried into my shoulder, the completion and accomplishment i felt as i kissed you and walked with you, the togetherness i never wanted to end, some, or all, call it obsession. what, a guy loves a girl that much that he’d her the world and then some, you label him creepy? creepy is for the guys who don’t know you, who thrive on lust and longtime obsession over a cute girl. no, I’m not and wasn’t obsessed or creepy, i was in love, and wanted to share that with you and the world, and to make it a clear message and a ray of light. I would not care if i lost my penis, actually, to be honest, at this point all i want is love. “All you need is love.. doo do doo do doo… :P”

Well I feell better that I’ve said this. I’m sure it will have absolutely no affect whatsoever, and i know i’m pathetic and that im hopeless and beyond all other things i’m annoying. But this is how i truely feel. you may not like me liking you, but i love to love you, even without reciprication, as i’ve proven. This isnt like a life committment or anything, and it’s not like we’re getting married, it’s just a highschool boy going after what he knows is his highschool love. but if i died tomorrow, then these days would have been the most important part of my life, and you have to sieze the day. I’m not asking for companionship, dating, and not even friendship if you choose, but by all means, i am asking you to reply to this letter exactly how you feel, even a one word answeris fine. but don’t leave me hanging. it’s obvious how much that would hurt me. and im sure that between this and every previous effort i’ve ever put into you, you’ll be able to find something to say. Speak your heart, even if it’s cruel. I only want to hear what lizzie has to say, and everything she has to say, from only her.

Goodnight/morning~Jacob
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So I might be going to Africa.

Ghana.

But I need $5000.

I got $100 from a sponsoring club.

I need it this week.

www.lizzie-michael.blogspot.com

Basically life’s been pretty hard lately. I haven’t got much to do but I never have time to do anything. I think I have an illness. I’m always so tired and my head always hurts. I can’t focus on school too long without having a meltdown. It’s so sad when I am the only one failing my classes. I can never remember anything. Last night I wrote a history essay, saved it, the computer died, turned it back on, and my essay was just a blank page. I fell on the floor and beat my head with the seat of the chair in front of me. Then I got up and did the whole ****ing essay over again!

Stuff like that happens constantly. I always either mysteriously lose work, never got it, or was told not to do it and then apparently minds were changed without telling me. I’m so uninformed.

I have to get out of here. After all of the planning I’ve done, I’ve got to go to Ghana. If I don’t go, I’m going to fail everything. I’m going to stop trying. There’s not going to be a reason to finish this semester. I can’t do the rest of the year. It’s too difficult to work when the world hates you.

I might as well just die.

Edit: I’d terribly sorry that this post is so depressing and annoying. I don’t mean to upset anyone. I’m just so angry.

I was reading a really boring book today. I haven’t read a book (other than for school) in a really long time. Is it a coincidence that the first book I pick to read is too boring to complete? Have I lost my ability to read? It’s a possibility.

I think I’m kind of crazy. I paid $500 (that I made working last summer) to apply for an exchange trip to Ghana. I’m trying to read a lot about Ghana to make myself more interested in it. But I’d much rather be going to Europe, Asia, or college :P.

Since it’s my only option for getting out of the rest of the school year, I’ll take it. But if I don’t get accepted, I wouldn’t be too upest. And then I could just apply to go to Hong Kong for next year. That would be good because I’d come back fluent in Cantonese. And that’s good.

That’s good because I could either shock or impress her family. I’m not sure which.

marching band: 5th place in Pennsylvania [out of ten].

cross-country: assuming we got first [i haven’t really been following the results ever since i’ve been exiled from the team].

grade reports are in: please see the “about lizzie.” page.

this saturday i could be enjoying a nice rally in d.c. on account of the national stand conference i could be attending. can’t say i know for sure, since i haven’t paid the money yet. for serious, i really didn’t work six days a week last summer to lose all my money like this.

btw, i love the awful syntax in this post. good luck understanding it. ftwftwftwftw

So, my mom said that if I have anything so say to her: Email it. Because apparently she doesn’t have time to listen. I spent two hours last night typing this out for her:

It’s really insulting when you question what I say and do.
-After you’ve been invited to apply, the National Honors Society doesn’t look at your grades or GPA. They assess you based on character, service, leadership, and commitment to extracurriculars. Don’t be so sure it wasn’t my character that ruined my chances of getting into the most well respected high school society. The funny thing is, it’s not that prestigious. People like Chels were complaining that it was far too easy to get accepted into. Afterall, people like Kenna and Meg were accepted, and they don’t do much at all.
 If you call the school they are just going to tell you to try again next year. Don’t accept that as an answer. I want to know what I can do to guarentee entrance next year. The selection process begins as Mr. J (principal of the school) picks a bunch of teachers to assess the students’ applications. I heard that Mr. B was one of the teachers selected (I don’t know who he is. I never had him as a teacher and he doesn’t know me).
 I would expect it to be impressive to see that I can do both XC and MB. I also had a lot of community service listed. I don’t have many awards won and I don’t have many leadership roles. On the back of the application sheet I explained that I am a self proclaimed leader of the Pit, as I help the auxilary members practice. I also said that I am a leader on the JV because I never leave a freshman behind, and I am often left as the only upper classman guiding a group of lost freshman back to the school during practice. But I’m sure it doesn’t matter how I help other people, because I’m not an accomplished runner and I don’t have an official leadership position.

-When I say that I’m reading a book, I’ve read the book. Every mother I know thinks the sun shines from her daughter’s ass, but you think I’m from Satan or something. 
 My friend complained all day today that Mrs. M (her foster mother) threatened to kick her out of her home because Chels (her foster sister) said she wasn’t being nice. Chels complained to her mother that my friend didn’t invite her to the movies with her and her boyfriend. Chels’s mother had an argument with my friend about not leaving Chels out of things. And it was a date! Why would Chels want to go on a date with my friend and her boyfriend?!
That same friend told Chels’s mother that she didn’t get into NHS (just for personal reasons I won’t get into. She actually DID get into it). And Mrs. M was outraged and picked up the phone immediatley to call the school and find out why…and my friend is not even her daughter.

-I worked away my entire summer, by myself, and allowed myself to be demeaned by my bosses, just to lose all my money to pay off book debts, buy my own food, and pay you fees that are more costly than a taxi would charge to drive me to school. If I didn’t get a job, would I be losing this much money? You can’t charge me what I don’t have. Consider my bank account nonexistant because it isn’t yours to consider for withdrawal. The money there is going towards something important. I might be the only person I know that doesn’t just blow all my money on luxuries.

-Everyone who has ever had Mr. C as a math teacher says that he’s a jerk (but they generally use stronger language). I recently found out that you must rub your homework in his face in order to have it counted. It’s too late now.
 He has a obsession with school sports and is a compulsive liar. Anyone could back that up. He gave me homework passes and then took them away, then denied it. He says “STFU” a lot. I’ve done all of my homework and somehow he fails to see it. He purposely makes his directions confusing and then laughs at the students, for example: he randomly started using greek letters to go over homework answers and then refused to repeat what he said after nobody understood what he was doing. He only checks the homework once a week, but I end up throwing it in the class bin everyday to make sure it’s been accounted for. Maybe he takes off points for that?
 On the first day, he recorded that I graded myself a 60% on my homework, which was completely false. Since then I haven’t been returning my progres reports for his class, because they have all been in someway false. I give up on my progress report strike because PRs count as homework grades and I’ve got a 49% in that, AKA a failing grade. If you could get my points back for the missed progress reports, that would be appreciated.

-November 1st: Pennsylvania Marching Band Finals ($110)
-November 6th: STAND National Conference in DC ($250)
-January 20th: Professional Head Shot Photoshoot with Sara ($550)
-April 24th: Exchange trip to Germany ($1,200)
-Junior Prom $70
-Driving Permit Test $35
-November’s Thanksgiving Weekend: Driving Academy
-Psychiatrist $100 per session without insurance

It’s a sad day when you no longer need your laptop because your new cellphone replaces all it’s capabilities.

“You’ve got a updated laptop, new phone, fancy headphones, and the current iPod classic. What DON’T you have?” asked her mother.

“Friends,” said the girl. She spent all day calling everyone she knew on her new cell phone but nobody wanted to see her.

And besides, it’s not like I just got all this junk for free. I worked all summer, sabotaging my social life, to make enough money to buy all these electronics.

Dear English teacher, my essay on how media is the death of society is going to be late. I’m too depressed to write. Because the media stole my friends sole.

s;lkfj;asdfkjs

I’m going to complain right now, that people don’t give me enough attention.

I have to completely “lose it” to get any attention. And for what?!

What does anyone need attention for?

I’ll tell you what. I want attention so I can feel special.

I don’t spend all my money on expensive things just to be ignored. Look at my expensive things!! Adore it!

I work way too hard. Good thing I am going on vacation…TO BAND CAMP!

Enjoy these photos of me and my new headphones.

If this doesn’t get me comments, I don’t know what will. Actually– I have a few more ideas.

I was at running camp last week.

I almost died because I caught I fever on Tuesday and I ran with it until it was gone on Thurseday.

I might quit my job this week. But the people were so excited to see me today that it will break my heart to do it. Even though I hate working there.

I have so much AP homework. I am going to cry. And slack off lots more. =P

What is the best cellphone plan? I am accepting suggestions. I want to pay like $20 a month. Is that unreasonable? I want free texting, free calls after 9, and free calls to people on the same plan.

I’m needy like that.

Some weird old lady said it was because I am a lefty that the world is so unfair.

She ordered fried fish.