walking on the isle she felt tears roll down her face. she was looking at the man she’s about to marry, she just simply saw happiness.

he held her hands and she held them back.
it was time to say her vow..
she was prepared. it was all printed out for her to read but she felt like saying something else..

and the words she blurted out,

…right now, i have here in front of me, everything i could ever need. this day, this dress, these hands im holding are perfect. and tomorrow when i wake up, i know i’ll be waking up in heaven because i’ll see you beside me. i’ll cook breakfast for us and spend time with you and serve you till you have nothing left to make me do..and by the end of the day i know you’ll still be there to smell my hair and tell me you’re happy and you love me. and that’s all i ever want to hear…

she came in weeping like there’s no tomorrow and saw them sitting on the bed on the floor..

“we need to talk” she said looking at him.
“what are you gonna talk about”, the girl on the floor said looking at her.

she turned to him and said, “why?”

he asked the girl with him to leave the room for a while so they could talk, but she refused. she insisted that she wanted to hear what she has to say..
so the crying girl agreed because she couldn’t do anything.

she started her speech.
“if you’re gonna ask me a reason why you should stay, well, i don’t have an answer for that..all i have here with me is myself. ready to do what it takes to make you stay. we didnt spend that much time together but i know for sure that i want to spend more years with you. make you smile and laugh. cook for you. i haven’t even cooked for you yet. i want to do all those things because it satisfies me to see you happy. but if she does it without even exerting effort, then please tell me you want me gone.” she paused waiting for his answer. but all she got was a face confused.

“he doesn’t want you. that i know for sure” the girl said sounding without doubt.

she wanted to hold him tight and tell him how much she wants him to say that he wants her to stay..

she held his hands instead and said, “if i could die now, i’d love to..so that last feeling would be knowing that you love me too. but i don’t want to die today and i know i’m gonna live long. but if i don’t have you in that life, i know im gonna have a hard time breathing..im gonna have a hard time coping..so i at least have to start at some point.”

the girl looked at her wanting to hear some more.

so she continued while crying..
“let me start today. tell me you don’t love me and tell me to go away..”

but he just stared at her, face confused.

i came across this sort of quiz on facebook..a friend posted it..i wasnt tagged though..i checked it out anyway..
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They’ll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
hiding myself? i actually think that i talk too much and i tend to say more than i really should

You like serious, smart and determined people. You don’t judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren’t necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people’s eyes.

i guess its true..i dont really go for the good looking ones..i like it when he’s funny and witty at the same time..

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

i think that it doesnt really require months or years to know someone..when i’ve seen the happy days and the miserable ones, i know i’ve seen it all..i think the other parts are just petty..if you know how to make a person smile, its enough to make their day suck less..

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

tactics?hehe i dont really think that i use some kind of strategy to get a date..

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

of course it is! i do want to know a little bit of everything..but i still want to be excellent at one thing..something i can be proud of..

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don’t focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

true! i actually think that my lifetime is not enough for all the things that i want to do..i guess i’ll just have to make the most out of the time that’s left for me to live..hehe

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

amen to that!

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don’t ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

i totally agree..one reason why i want to learn as much as i can..so i can cope even when im alone..

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

mature, im not really sure..sometimes i take things too lightly that i lose the essence of it..and on the other times, i ignore them..
reasonable, i guess so..i try to be objective most of the time..being inconsiderate is a virus..
honest, i’d like to believe so..but its really hard to try and please everybody when honesty means speaking what i think is true and what i see to be fit..contradicts reasonableness actually..
givea good advice, yeah maybe..but i cant seem to follow them..crap..it sucks to ignore my mind..but i guess it pays to follow your heart..

***
my day sucks today..and i think it’ll continue for the rest of the week..
i need a new life..

i am undeniably lost..
i dont know what to do next..
i cant seem to get a better job and its making me lose huge amount of confidence..
i am just so lost..

my lola woke me up with her fingers on my hair..she was saying something i couldnt really understand..

then i wondered if she was happy..

we seldom talk..well, we never talk..

i dont really get to tell her stories anymore..the last time that we had a good conversation was around 6 years ago..i told her i was extra happy that day and she told me that she loves to see me happy like that..

i wonder if she’s sad now that im not feeling like how i did that day..is she sympathizing?

today i feel so useless..not because im sort of jobless, not because i’ve been in front of the computer for almost 3 hours now..but because i cant even make myself smile when there’s so many things around me that suggests that im blessed beyond doubt..

satisfaction’s realm is out of sight..that is what i honestly believe..

knowing that there could be so much more than this makes me want to skip this day so i’d be closer to that moment..

i dont know what i want from people..is it attention?is it care?is it time?

im unmistakably clueless..

i know slacking wont get me anywhere..