Hello, good morning, how ya do?
What makes your rising sun so new?
I could use a fresh beginning too
All of my regrets are nothing new

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
This is the way

That I’m learning to breathe
I’m learning to crawl
I’m finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies

Hello, good morning, how ya been?
Yesterday left my head kicked in
I never thought I could fall like that
Never knew that I could hurt this bad

I’m learning to breathe
I’m learning to crawl
I’m finding that You and
You alone can break my fall
I’m living again, awake and alive
I’m dying to breathe in these abundant skies

So this is the way
that I say that I need You
This is the way
That I say I love You
This is the way
That I say I’m Yours
This is the way
This is the way

last saturday a question puzzled me..

what’s the greatest day of your life??

i thought, everyday is really great..but not the greatest..i like waking up worrying or simply waking up because i did..

but the answer was, you really dont know when your greatest day is or was..because every day is as insignificant as the day before..though its exciting..its not something that you know will last..

now i wonder what feeling will last??

lately i’ve been complaining about how life is..how things are..how i can make someone’s day the greatest..for some reason, its really difficult to do..most of the days that i live nowadays are spent thinking..im not my usual self and yet i enjoy..i enjoy the complaints, the hardships, the trouble, the pain..i dont know when it’ll end..not any time soon that’s for sure..but im waiting..like i always say..patience is a virtue..i’ll let time pass this time..because its all i have to help me..i wont stop..not now..im almost there and i dont want to leave..i dont want to say never but i promise to be around..

then my greatest day would be the day when all i’ve worked for matters..when i matter..

there are a few scenes running on my mind..i dont know if its about to come true..

***

sitting beside him, i feel protected and nervous at the same time..there wont be certainty for tonight. everything is hanging or about to be hanged.

he looks at me with worried eyes..not watery..never will be watery..

‘im still confused..’ he says..his voice wasnt shaking..it was said with hesitation though..

‘what do you want’ i reply in worry..

‘i dont know’

i held him close..tight as possible..knew it’ll be the last..i felt my tear glands tell the tears to come out but i refused to let it..my throat hurt more and more as i held it back, then finally a burst..burst of tears..there were no sounds though..i was crying quietly..i wanted to speak without him noticing the shaking..

‘i enjoyed every moment we spent together..every air we breathed..every look you gave me..’ i tried to sound as normal as possible but the fact that i said it slowly gave him a clue of what’s happening..

he tried to push my shoulders to see what’s with me..but i refused to let go..i still wanted to hold him close.

‘thank you for making me feel like a princess..making me feel like i have something to treasure..making me feel like there’s no other happiness than this..’ i continued with that slow voice..

he was holding me tight too..but i felt very deserted and alone..so alone for the first time..

i knew i wont experience this again..never feel like this again..and i dont want to ever again..it’ll be different next time..everything would be different..

i tried to feel his face..his hair..his hand..his face again..his eyes..his nose..his mouth..his lips..i cant kiss them again..damn..i cant again..so i did for the last time..it was the sweetest most poisonous kiss i have ever tasted..i wished the poison would kill me..so that’ll be the last pain i’ll ever feel..i didnt want to let go..but i knew i had to..

‘dont forget about our love..’ were the last few words that came out of my mouth..

i wanted to stay a bit longer but i was afraid it’ll be harder for him to deal with it..i didnt want him to make me stay..but i badly did..i badly did want to stay with him..live the bahamas life he wanted..go abroad together..and even run away from everything and everyone..

***

why am i hurting my throat??

i’d like to call it that since i have a grudge against hope and plans..

this year was one of a kind..lots of things happened..happy and devastating things..and as the year ends..i learn how to cope with what life has to offer..keeping my self together is one thing and trusting that everything has its own place in history is another..

tomorrow is another day in my life that i have to live with..

tomorrow is also dedicated for the oblation run..haha -i’ll see it with my friends..cool!-

but really..seeing the future coming sooner than i expect is making me rush things too..i even forget how to ask for help..thinking i can make it on my own..so lemme talk about horoscopes again..its really creepy how they are..it says-Don’t doubt that you’ll get the support and assistance you need — because you will.- so im getting assistance..nice. im getting tired too..

i read this one mess that a priest sent me a few months back..it was talking about how single people react or live nowadays..they seem to be very busy..-so this sentence is not really relevant to the discussion im trying to pull- but i dont want to take it off..

so back to the idea..the future..future aspirations..

i was with my friends earlier..we were talking about the coming year..we, five, were all hoping it’ll be a better once since we decided that this year is a good one already..we had this plan on renting a place..-and im actually saving up for the down payment..- and then having it on Japanese design..we were looking for red flooring and black center table..the short one..and having bean bags and all those floor furnitures..its pretty exciting..we’re living together and studying together..we also plan to work together..we’ll be ‘baristas’..we saw this nice apartment near the school and the place we wanted to work at..its all settled and polished..but the thing is..can we make it happen..and for the other part of life..can i make it happen??

i found myself biting my toothbrush yesterday morning and this morning too..i dont remember if i was thinking about something or just killing time..i was spaced out..and for some reason, i enjoyed the silence..i enjoyed being with my lonesome..then i came to my senses again when i felt my heart beating harder than the usual..then i noticed the time..i didnt hurry though..we didnt have classes..i was still killing time..and though the future is of reach, im slowing down on the rush im feeling..

i was saving tears.

since the week started..i’ve been checking on my horoscope..each one has this certain impression that its exactly the advice that i need to keep in mind through the day..

im not the type who believes superstitions..i think that things happen because i let them happen..because its a chain reaction of what i did in the past..but i was still checking..just for the heck of it..

the future really fascinated me..most of the time i dream about being in the future and maybe manage to make it happen as i want it to..but there’s this 3 things that i cant help but blame because its uncontrollable..i cant predict it no matter how hard i work on things..

hope is one thing..people dont like giving false hopes (as i was told).. but the fact that people talk to you, with you is a hope that you’ll be having conversations again..even eating out with family and friends is an example of false hope..you say the food tastes good but when you step out of the place, you complain about the price..that is one beautiful hope then..at least the resto had a nice consolation prize..maybe its wanting more when you know you cant have any once you let it out of your grip..

love is another..people like the idea of being cared for..but caring could mean a lot of things aside from love..like trying not to hurt anyone..or just having fun when people feel comfy with someone..it is a very messed up matter once you think about it..it seems easy at a glance but making your way through it is tougher than taking bar exams with an i.q of a moron..so love should be cursed..might as well curse the whole world since it spins on it.

destiny would be last on my list..i remember writing something about these 3 before..maybe it was for another matter..but still they are to blame..i have convinced myself that things happen for a good reason..maybe to make you cry so you wont cry again..or make you happy so you’ll learn how to keep them..but come to think of it..its all set for you..sometimes even if you have a couple of choices you still end up with one result..hurting and hurting even more..there’s no easy way to success (came from one of the speakers who spoke in a seminar i took years or months back)..maybe it’ll be easy if you dont want success at all..that could be one good solution..so its the travel to what your goal is that matters..will you be better on the way or be the same old you when you took the first step??oohh screw it..destiny decides anyway..cant deal with that.

so my horoscope wont help even if i take the advice..its just some cool words put up together to make you have a choice on whether to let it happen or make it happen with  hope, love and destiny -not actually- helping you out.

same result.

save the energy.