*u’ll be the prince and i’ll be the princess, its a love story baby just say yes

y do u have to keep comparing me w the previous? y cant i just be i, like a clean sheet of paper n nt judged based on previous stain? y do u always have to make it so hard for me to jump in wholeheartedly w/o any worries?  ilu~

seems like furthest wasnt the furthest aft today. its hard to imagine wat gym can turn out to be. i felt weird. like the whole episode is so surreal. i still cant believe tt im no longer wat i thot i would be for a longlong time. wow.

i nv thot i would have gone so far w u. as for now, i think this shd be the limit. haixxx cant believe wat we did when we were supp to be studying for midsem tmr.

nv would i have thot we’d fight over sth so small.

i guess this means no turning. n trust me to have my conscience chewing on me this while abt how i treated u cos of my disappointment in u. n how i tried to be crazy to give u the benefit of the doubt, in hope to make things better. aft all im just a tool for u. u can playing ur disappearing act all u wan. in fact life’s so much better w/o u around. y dun u just vanish into the thin air for gd? n now, FUCK OFF! my disgust for u have overspilt the brim.

i heard the confirmation today. at least im glad tt u r honest. part of me knew this would be the outcome. but y do i still feel this sad when im prepared? i guess a soft spot will always remain for u. im gg to continue wat im doing but nt injecting anything MORE. cos life is linear; always moving forward, nv moving back.

im willingly drawn back to e 1st n randomly found out tt the 2nd wasnt ‘kidding’ as he claimed the other time.i totally have no idea! surprise surprise~

i love patient care yes i do!

i cant help feeling manipulated. by how many of u i dunno anymore. perhaps i m the fool in the whole game of deception. the same words keep ringing in my head. i relented again n again but it all boils down to sheer stupidity. its nt worth it. if u cant forget, then i guess i’ll just hafta let go. im withdrawing. lets all go back to square one. at least tt way, i’ll know how i have to feel.

for the past mth, i thot it was bliss. now im reconsidering. i refuse to be the pawn in ur game of substitutes. i was wrong. u hadnt let go.

things bothering me…

1. nt of much significance to me but still, it affects me. i hate the fac tt u only come running to me when u need a favour frm me n start acting sweet just so tt i would say yes? dun be naive. as i quote frm some1, look at urself in the mirror 1st luh. i noe its mean but since im nt the only one who felt this way, i guess tt must be somewhat justifiable? get this str. if u need my help, i would ve helped u, given my role as a fren. there is ABSOLUTELY no need for sweet talks. they just dun wk for me alright? im sad? cos perhaps im just such a shallow person in ur eyes? watever. i dun give a damn abt ur opinion actually. n stop making it as though i owe it to u tt u need a favour frm me. i noe this prob doesnt make sense here, but wat matters more is it does to me. i need to let it out, though i do nt wish to reveal too much.

2. i wonder if i divulge too much. im starting to have a little regret. perhaps it was all to judge wat kind of person i m on ur part? or perhaps cos i trusted u n hope u do the same too.

3. i HAVE to curb the obsession. i always thot (n think i am was successful) tt i’ve drawn the lines v clearly. i thot this time i have a gd control over myself. but these 2 days proved otherwise. the signs r there though its hard to intepret. n nt to mention my principles in the way-contradictory as they are. as much as i wish for some changes, im pretty much satisfied with the current situation. just hope tt there’ll be another light to lead me out. the now dwindling light tt i have always been pinning for. pls stop making a fool out of me. i need to see the destination.

missing for so long.many things tt i wanna write abt. ok 1stly, its the holi! (2nd wk of the holi to be exact)so over r all those dreadful mornings of pulling myself out of bed. i noe this holi will zoom by in a blink. oh well, i managed to fill my holi with 3 jobs n a short getaway! whoppie! finally free!i cant wait for the trip. so excited just thinking of it. hope it ll turn out as great as i imagine:)

today-results day. i passed but somehow passes arent quite enough. i’ve gt to at least maintain a gpa of 3. really gotta put in more efforts in the coming sem so tt hopefully i can achieve gd results to secure a sponsorship.

lunchbreak.

my very 1st time.

i made a wish to the coin n thrust it into the koi pond(HA!but im gg t do watvever it takes) i wish u the best of health.

no ideay im feeling so tired all the time. 3 competencies report supposedly due today but i cant keep my eyes open. so i ended up slping at TEN last night. i guess it must have been centuries since i slpt at tt hr? haha. i feel more recharged when i happily woke up at 630 this morning. HAHA! wk as been enjoyable at BMPC, much to my relief. had fun jking around w angie n doing VERY STUPID stuffs.heheh:) n it was oso thanks to her tt i dreamt of ALIEN lst nite. hahaha. i hardly rmb my dreams but today i actually rmbed TWO of them! went back to slp aft reply sms at 630, i dreamt tt i had to take supp papers for all 4 subjs! weird thing was, my grades were Cs!? weird dreams cos i wasnt even thinking abt my grades recently. closest link was perhaps amarjit coming to visit us ysd n she happened to be the one announcing the news to me in the dream? damn no link man. but now im worried. cant stop thinking abt the grades now.hope i can at least scrape thru every subj? ahhhh…. scared!!! i promise i ll study hard hard next time!

hard to describe the feelings. cant help missing u whenever it comes to specific times of day. when i dun hear frm u, it felt like sth is missing in my life. like a hole waiting to be filled. so many things keep reminding me of u. it’s too late. im too emotionally attached. i fear tt shd history ever repeat, the blow would be too much for me to bear. i cant put my finger on it, but somehow i noe at the back of my head, i still have this sense of doubt n insecurity. prove me wrong pls.

hmm. aft the observations n all, i think i can conclude for sure. things r becoming more interesting as the days past, as more r revealed. evil me. HAH!

i ought to be mugging for phy ica. aft all its my worst subj n weightage is 60%. but then again, m kpo nature took over. i just cant concentrate with sth so interesting brewing away! hohohO~

n some1 else whose name rhymes! HAHA

i guess the day started off pretty well. i was still overwhelmed with excitement. i noe tt this probably doesnt mean anything, YET, i couldnt help myself feeling the way i m. haha. i think im flying~ LALALA~~~

anw, on my way to sch today, on the mrt, this kind lady suddenly tap my shoulder n told me to tuck my phone into the side of my bag cos she’d ever gotten her phone stolen frm her b4. haha. mama has always been reminding me abt the way i throw my phone into my bag. but my stubborn brain nv picks it up. now tt a stranger came up to me with the same advice, i think the impact is greater. somehow i felt tt i shdnt throw someone’s kindness down the drain.

well well…if there isnt a test tmr, i think today would be even better. but nonetheless, im VERY VERY contented. i think it’ll keep me full for next wk or so! i so hope tt it ll wk out! LALALA~~~

at the wee hrs of the morning it came. once, twice, thrice, many many times. so much tt i lost count. everytime i’ll be convinced n then to doubt it later again. me too petty?  y do i keep overhearing things tt i dun want to? is it really better nt to noe anything than noe? just as much as i needed n wanted to noe in this instance, i DO NOT NOE.

i’d been acting/feeling tired for the past 2 wks? partly cos i was really sian; sick of everything n oso cos i’m sick of entertaining boliao ppl with their boliao matters. but i noe this is only short term escape n it wont do. gotta change my attitude n all if nt i’ll be the one suffering, grades,health,emotions blah blah blah.

hence today i was back to my crazy, more energetic self. haha. it’s great to be back i guess? time seems to past faster when u cast stuff tt r boggling up ur mind into tt dark corner. haha. i’ve decided. i will and i shall act anyway i want. i shant be affected by the others no more. too bad if i dun sympathise with ur plight or just ignore the stuff happening around me. i shall react when i feel like it. cos now i believe – 

Be who you are and say what feel, cos those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.

我想应该就是他没错了。

但心里却是异常的平静。这又代表着什么？

a wk full of ups n downs. i dunno how to decipher. gd or bad? beats me. haha. but i dun mind it much. sometimes, at the higher pt of the ride, u get to see the whole pic better n clearer. im learning to enjoy the beautiful sceneries n at the same time brace myself for bumps in between. i just hope tt the plunge is nt too steep, or better still, i had alr overcome. teehee:)

Mon 13 July – the night for me to rmb. Needs no elaboration lest I let out more than I want/shd. Overall feeling : nt too bad. Despite wat happened. i found my direction. To propel me along the path tt I shd be taking next. Or so I thot.

Tues 14 July – ponned sch! Teehee!

Wed 15 July — a surprise a shock. I hope it’s nt for real as in like, maybe said as a joke just to disturb me n see how I react. I really didn’t see it coming, joke or no joke. But I admit it was nice to noe how others think of me la

Thurs 16 July – probably made one of the stupidest mistake tt I shd nt have made recently. Makes me feel like giving myself a slap to wake up. Also cos me to have 2^nd thots. Things aren’t as innocent as they seemed aft all. Who shd I trust? Or shd I trust neither to begin with? Horrible mistake on my part. Orbee.

Fri 17 July – happy bday zx. Long day. Sch—tuition—back to sch. Glad tt phalanges won 2 prizesJJ so proud of u all. Heehee!

Sat 18 July – normal sat. nth much. Rot the whole day.

Upcoming sun 19 July – A VERY HAPPY BDAY TO MY PRINCESS TINGTING! Cant believe tt I actually forgot to request off! My bad. Urgh. How can I be so dumb?! Guess I prob be spending my day wking like other days. Sian.    

Im sick

Sick of sch

Sick of the mundane-ness of  everyday life

Sick of the current situation

Sick of YOU! N all ur fucking ways. Get lost will u?

im tired of this tired of that. i seem to have lost all my motivation to keep moving forward. everything has come to a standstill. i feel like i cant be bothered with anything AT ALL. like even when i major exam is right b4 me, i can still study only 2 miserable chapters the day b4 n nt feel any nervousness or wat. i was lucky tt i didnt fail. but can i say the same for the subsequent tests/exams? i highly doubt so. i nv felt so directionless in my life. how how HOW? my heart is full of fear. some many things tt requires me to make decision n yet i dunno how. i need sth, a sign of some sort perhaps to tell me how else i shd carry on. y is it tt things get more n more complex as u grow? i miss the pure innocent times.

This came up during lunch. If a matter is of relative significance, it’s quite impossible to forget. N if u can really forget abt a matter, tt just shows its insignificance to even require forgiveness isn’t it? I had always thot I forgive n esp forget v fast. Perhaps I was too easily bought over ( a tad too easily than I would like to). So usu it doesn’t take much for me to be swayed. Again n again. Despite the numerous times I had convinced myself nt to be. Perhaps it’s cos of my poor mem as well? Or subconsciously I’m trying to get rid of the bad/unhappy memories. Yet today I truly understand. For SOME matters esp, it’s IMPOSSIBLE to forget.

Once sth happens, it ll always remain a part of u. the memory will be etched somewhere within whether u want it anot. Just like a scar. It may fade with time,  but the mark will always be there.

Forget abt forgetting. Just hope tt it fades fast.

i was right indeed. sth DID happen. n a part of me actually wish it hadnt. or at least the way i found out abt the matter would be different. this is all too familiar tt it irks me. felt like a new found part of me tt i treasured just died. sucks BIG TIME!

越活越大，不禁觉得要在外面勾心斗角，尔虞我诈的世界生存，必须了解其中的政治。要不然，接下来的日子将会走得很辛苦，死也未必知道原因。本身很抗拒这种生活方式，但人在江湖，身不由自。我得逼自己去学习适应。近几个月，这种感觉更是强烈。感觉有些人更是戴着面具示人，一个两个都不是省油的灯。单纯的日子早已离我而去。日子过得战战兢兢的，不知何时一不小心就会往地雷踩上去，炸得自己一身伤都不知道。原本以为我可以不用盲目跟从，可以卸下面具。我错了。

不仅如此。今天发现了一些不知道会更好的事情。寄托越大，影响相对的也越大。现在心情很糟。庆幸的是，长痛不如短痛。这也不是意料之外的事。要怪也只能怪我太天真了，做人处事太“透明”。我最怕的是真的发生了。历史硬生生地在我眼前重演。我自己都忍不住想要自嘈，居然会笨到这样。这可能真的是冥冥之中的安排。一切都是注定的，躲也躲不开。但这种被隐瞒，被当成小丑耍的感觉，不管经历过几次，依然还是那么的不好受。一切的一切，说得多么好听，我天真地一次由一次地信以为真。把我捧到天上去，在残忍地把我摔下来。。。这不是第一次，想必也不会是最后一次。不管是可以或是无心之过，这种生活，我厌倦了。我不想再玩下去。接下来的路，我不懂该抱着什么心态走下去。真心待人，我并不奢望得到每个人人真心的回报，但至少不至于屡次被隐瞒，欺骗。为什么每次搞到这种样子？为什么你们就这样的表里不一？简简单单地过日子不是很好吗？现在我真的不知道谁的话可以信，谁的不能。也许这就是你们在社会上所谓的生存之道吧，只是我还无法接受. there isnt anything wrong, but it’s just ain’t right.

time and again.

promises may mean the world. but once they r broken, sorry means NTH. u just threw away the trust u earned in me. utter disappointment.

i’ve been feeling frustrated these couple of days but i simply put my finger on what went wrong. im suffocating frm boredom and losing my direction. i feel like im waiting.

n waiting.

n waiting.

waiting for sth to happen perhaps. sth to make me feel alive again. wat exactly? beats me too. RAHH!!

the holi is bad! it means alot of free time, which makes me lazy. somehow, i’d rather spend the time letting my mind wander than concentrating on my studies. n once my mind wanders, it’s hard to come back. im starting to qn many things tt had been bothering me. i dun intend to name them cos perhaps it doesnt matter. the feeling of emptiness is paying me a visit once more. im confused. i cant seem to find my directions. this is exasperating. frustrating n yet im at loss of wat to do abt it. perhaps this has become a habit.

everytime im alone, my mind starts to wander…

now i seem to feel a sense of omninous. like things r slanting towards the wrong way now. mayb i have push things too far tt it is gg in the opp direction tt i initially intended? i’m starting to feel more n more insecure as the day drew nearer. i fear tt history will repeat itself n everything will return to square one. its nt like i dun believe u. i just dun have confidence in myself.

2nd wk of the holi~~

 monday- supp to go lib n mug for physics but woke up at 3pm ++, so err abit too late lor…so hiakhiakhiak, slack the whole day lor.tues- supp to meet jack at YCK mrt at 12pm to go back sch n study tgt. turns out tt i overslpt n woke up at 1153am! hahah cabbed down n ate macs. then went sch lib to study. the ppl r damn muggers lor. so many ppl went back sch to study. really stress la….hahahah! saw lis and gang. lis cut her hair n gt highlights. so made me feel like dyeing my hair so badly. hahaha, so we eventually decided to DIY since we r too broke to go salon  dye. HEHEH! so wed went to jack’s house n we dyed each other’s hair!i guess it wasnt tt bad since both of us 1st time help frens dye. at least my hais is brown now!YAY:) then at nite heard tt our holi will be extended for a wk cos of the swine flu! whoots! hahah. tuition finally resumed with the dover kids on thurs. kim was still complaining abt her trip being BORING n having to walk alot. haix,kids these days really dunno how lucky they are! london, paris n rome neh! now i wanna go HK n taiwan oso seem farfetched lor -.- at tuition met up with wei-vi. it has been more than a mth since we met up? how i wish i have all the time in the world so i can meet up as n when i like. haixx. but i had a great time.thanks vivi for the gift frm aust:) friday went out for movie with jack cos of the complimentary tickets. drag me to hell is really a v interesting movie. HAHA! so weird. i was thankful tt i didnt pay to watch it previously. aft tt met up with st n van to celebrate st’s bday. went branded window shopping at taka n then to jack’s place for dinner cos we were too tired to head down to holland v for my xlb. i was quite contented with the steak nonetheless:) hahah. but now, my craving is acting up!:( sat is tuition with the kids again n hen to ahma house. finally get to see my darlings aft so many wks. ahhh i cant describe it, but everytime i see them, im happy! ya, simple word happy. but tts exactly how i feel.lalalala!

n sunday, well i decided to use a new paragraph for it cos im gg t complain! sunday=wk day. now i m starting to dread wk more n more. its becoming monotonous n boring aft  mths. i wonder how the full-timers can do it for so long. mayb i just wasnt cut for this job? lucky the wk envt is relatively pleasant despite some slight politics.but oh well, tts the wkforce for u. wk today is shit. esp with a fucking customer nt long aft i start wk, who totally spoils my day. i noe i look like malay la, so? big deal? still call me fatimah…n the fact tt u keep harping mummy picking up the wrong baby frm the hospital cos im supp to belong to malay family? watever lor -.- i wasnt offended by those comments actually. i can take the joke. (plus i can oso tell tt u r yet another boliao who enjoys making stupid comments tt oni U urself think is funny) it wasnt tt bad if u hadnt u repeated it thrice. eh its not funny ok? so wat if i look like malay n so wat if my mummy pick up the wrong baby? it wouldnt even be ur prob if i was picked up frm the rubbish dump. i was so tempted to say in ur fucking face behind my fake-smiling face. HAHA!idiiooot!

time really will tell everything. im glad i made the decision i did. im glad tt i trust my feelings n went ahead despite how other ppl look at u. i noe u r a gd person at heart despite the mask u hide under.i understand tt u must have ur reason for doing wat u r doing now. although we nv noe each other for v long, i trust u very much. just like how easily i spill my secrets. n the way u in confide in me i guess tt s enough said rite? trust:) friends forever bestie!

there is a reason y some ppl in my past dun make it into my future. cos there will be better ones to walk thru the journey of life with me:):):)

the 1st holi just flew by like tt!

mon was out with st to the science centre to visit the da vinci exhibition. turns out that even members hafta pay! decided it wasnt worth it n since it was still early, we had a impromptu ‘class outing’ at JP. hahaha…even though we just managed to get jp n andy out. aft tt, went back to sch to collect cert n headed down to holland v for coffee n dinner. at least this time round it goes better i feel. at least acted normally i guess. HAH

tues- went back to sch for soci proj n then headed down to meet st for butter fact. sucky day cos was spending the night waiting n waiting n ended up being flown a HUGE aeroplane -.- van is so sweet to come down n pei us. but cant believe tt we actually gt scammed! queued so long n paid $18 just to realised tt it was an underaged party n we were served RIBENA! the place filled with so many underaged ahlians n ahbengs, i nv felt so old b4.but over all the night was quite enjoyable cos met so other ppl. HAHA. then we actually were so awake tt we WALK to laopasat for supper. finally reached van n slp at 6?

wed- woke up at 9 n travelled to BS to wk full shift. happens to be the stock day plus window change so the whole day was damn damn busy. so by the time i ended wk, i was pretty much exhausted. the fact tt there werent any cabs tt wanted to take me really made me darn pissed. eventually walked one big round n ended back at smu to take bus down. ended up terribly late n  jack n jean had queued so many time for me to get the stamp. gt the stamp n headed to double o for the drinks n back to phuture again. turns out bad choice cos it was so damn crowded. aft the whole thing, headed to petrol kiosk n eat 2 cups of instant noodles cos so hungry n then headed home! actually quite surprised tt it was onlly 2 stops away frm my place:)

thurs- finally get to rest at home!

friday- class outing to kallang leisure park for ice skating (which i didnt join), followed by karaoke-ing at katong. really cheap n had quite a nice time…hiakhiakhiak.

sat-meeting up with lifen later:)

tts the end of my hectic wk! gotta start mugging for physics real soon!