So for those who suddenly find themselves in a dark alley, or suddenly hear a chainsaw in the background, take note of this list!

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• When it seems that you’ve killed the monster, never check to see if it’s really dead.

• If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, was once a church used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion or who performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.

• Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.

• Do not search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out.

• When you have the benefit of numbers, never pair off or go off alone.

• If the gang plans a fun midnight party in the town’s old abandoned mansion, don’t tag along. Especially don’t tag along if everyone’s going as couples, except you’re the odd guy/gal out. And if you’re the gang’s jokester, you may as well write up your last will and testament while you’re driving with them to the place.

• As a general rule, don’t solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.

• Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb, crypt, mausoleum, or other domicile of the dead.

• If you’re searching for something which caused a noise and find out that it’s just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.

• If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.

• Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.

• If you’re running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice, more if you are female. Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.

• If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, get away from them as fast as possible.

• Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (God help you if you recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine or Massachusetts.

• If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help.

• Beware of strangers bearing tools such as chain saws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, weed-whackers or any device made from deceased companions.

• Never, never, NEVER try to communicate with something icky because “there’s so much we can learn from them”.

• If you find a town which looks deserted, it’s probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away.

• When something bad is chasing you, bear in mind that when you try to start your car, no matter how reliable the vehicle is normally, you’ll have to crank the engine over many times before it will fire up.

• Strange lights are seldom harbingers of joy.

• People arriving to rescue you generally get ambushed by the monster, so don’t rely on them as your only means of escape. In fact, expect to be surprised and delayed by encountering their flayed corpse at some point.

• On no account do ANYTHING because someone dares you to.

• If you realize that the people in your town/county are having their minds taken over by some strange force, alien or otherwise: DO NOT call the police as they are

  • either already taken over themselves and will turn you in or

  • will not believe you and laugh at you.

    Either way, you must handle the problem yourself.

• If a small band of children appear to be smarter then the adults that are around them, be cautious. If they stay together in a small, secretive group, and display nothing but hostility towards their elders, authority, and the church, leave town at once.

• If you assist the villain of the film, do not expect gratitude in exchange for your services. In fact, do not expect anything other than death, which will come in the final minutes of the film and usually over the girl you have become attracted to, but the villian wants as this own.

• If any animals, such as Birds, Piranha, Spiders, etc. begin to exhibit behavior that seems a bit more hostile towards mankind than normal, immediately call in the authorities, get out of that town, and do not try to talk to any scientist who specializes in that animal (ornithologists and the like) for they will not believe you.

• Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second.

• Never, EVER go in/out there (There being the attic, closet, barn, basement, dark alley, dark anywhere else, the all-concealing shadows, the woods or the lake)

• If someone who seems important tells you to do or NOT do something (like DON’T fall asleep, DON’T leave me, DON’T look for the homicidal-chainsaw-wielding- psychopath by yourself) by all means, listen to them, unless doing so would break another of the guidelines.

• If you manage to lose a few body parts along the way, don’t despair. Take this opportunity to replace them with weapons, such as chainsaws, harpoons, etc.

• If you are using a gun to combat the all-comsuming evil, it is a good idea to quickly find a new means of defense, because no matter how much ammo you have, you’ll run out just before you kill the monster.

• Don’t open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side.

• DO NOT go into the dark room.

• If you’re a male, get out of there as fast as possible! The only one who ever survives is a female.

• While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.

• In terms of weaponry and general equipment for fighting the monster, never rely on any tool more complicated than a pointed stick. Generators will inexplicably run out of power, just as the nasty space-vegetable climbs onto your jury rigged electrical grid. Just when you’ve got the ghoul lined up in your sights, your gun will invariably jam.

• Ask why the estate is being sold so cheap.

• If the phone lines are dead, and you hear footsteps upstairs, when you’re supposed to be alone, don’t follow the noises to see who your “guest” is . LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Unless you want to die!

• Never pick up the phone and call for help, chances are your phone will be dead and the next thing you’ll see is the monster swinging some sort of sharp object.

• If you have defeated the monster, pay close attention to the camera, if it pans away for no apparent reason at all, get the heck out of there.

• Your dog can take care of itself…

• So can your spouse…

• And your kids.

• Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway.

• Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer.

• Your plan takes into account all possible situations… except for the one that actually occurs.

• Don’t be a smart-ass. It’ll only get you killed.

• When you have actually gotten a monster down on the ground with your gun, immediately empty all your shots in the monsters’ head.

• Never be present immediately before, during, or anytime after a succesful demon/devil/monster summoning.

• Mentioning any goals in life, anything to look forward to, or any loved ones will get you killed.

• Never, under any circumstances, go to summer camp.

• Puzzle boxes are hard to solve for a reason.

• If you throw away some possession of yours (antique dolls and ventriloquist’s dummies in particular), and you find it again in your house/car/pockets/etc. move to another country IMMEDIATELY! Of course, it WILL be waiting for you in the car as you go to leave.

• If you try to run away, always take the bus. If you take a car the monster will be in it. Cabbies are always demonically possessed. Monsters will destroy any plane/boat you try to take. And you have to go through dark, underground stations to get on a subway.

• If you see a loved one you know to be dead, RUN AWAY! Many people will ignore this bit of common sense, but remember: you can always buy a new pet, always have more kids, and always get a new spouse or significant other.

• If you’re being chased by a monster and you think it’s behind you, chances are it will appear in front of you (and if you’re a girl, this will happen right after you trip and fall, and then stand up and look behind you).

• If you’ve beaten the monster into a bloody pulp and you’re sure he must be dead, take the opportunity to dismember, burn, eat, blow up or otherwise destroy him.

• If you’re being chased by a monster and you find one of your friends and they ask “what’s wrong?”, don’t stop and try to explain. Just tell them to run as you go by. If they’re really your friend they’ll follow. If not - that’s their tough luck.

• If you should easily enter a home that you’ve either heard a scream from or there is no sign of life when there should be, do not be surprised to find that all means of escape (i.e. doors, windows, etc.) will be locked, effectively allowing the monster to come within a gnat’s hair to you.

• If you should run across one of the escape routes from the previous rule that is made of glass, DO NOT waste time pounding on it. Breaking it would prove to be a better course of action. (Remember, a cut-up hand is better than a chest wound.)

• If you are a good dog you have a 50-50 chance of survival. Good dogs will only die if they stand up to the monster in defense of their master. Bite the hand that feeds you and run away! If you are a bad dog, you WILL be dead by the movie’s end. Therefore, kill all people you encounter, except for your ex-master, whom you feel strangely compelled to avoid.

• If you’re a cat, just hide your head and pray that the monsters won’t eat you or teenage guys don’t throw you over the edge of a cliff to see if you land on your feet.

• If you’re a bird, CONGRATULATIONS! Your people will triumph and rule all in the end (or you might at least escape your cage!)

• Whenever a strange weapon is presented (e.g. a harpoon gun, flare gun, can opener, etc.) TAKE IT! If you don’t, the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it then the monster.

• A single monster can never be killed. Multiple monsters can never be driven to extinction. Therefore, try to get one kind to go after the other.

• ALL genetic experiments will create humanoid mutants (whether or not human/primate DNA is used) with BIG teeth and claws, and a tough hide impervious to bullets. NEVER play god and try your hand at gene-splicing!

• Always make eye shots whenever possible as all mosters ignore chest/limb attacks. If you hit the eye the monster will be blinded for a while (maybe… and if you’re really lucky… and if the creature even has any eyes to shoot in the first place).

• If you look out the window and see a monster, chances are he’s coming after you some time or another. Go into seclusion very very far away.

• A small-town’s little summer celebration sounds like fun, but if you hear the locals say things like, “Why you’re the guest of honor! We couldn’t even *have* the barbecue without you!” run like hell.

• Remember: quaint rural corn ceremonies are NEVER really about corn…

• Stay away from “quaint” hotels and inns. Go for the brand names.

• Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting right there for you.

• If you catch snatches of the theme song, you know the bad thing is close by.

• If your car breaks down in the woods, take the time to walk the extra 5 miles into town.

• Make sure what you use to kill the nasty things is a poison, and not a stimulant of any kind.

• If you’re gonna go out, don’t do it quietly. Take out those annoying friends of yours with you.

• Don’t work the night shift.

• Never fool yourself into believing you’re powerful enough to contain anything you summoned.

• Under no circumstances remove any unusual item from glaciers or large blocks of ice (ie. flying saucers, Frankenstein’s monster, Dracula, the wolfman, etc…)

• If you do remove something unusual from the ice, do not let it thaw. (Specifically, do not throw an electric blanket over ice, do not bleed on ice, and do not let the freezer’s power go out.)

• If you do entomb a monster in ice (Godzilla, the blob, etc) make sure that the monster’s location is not well known. (Sightseers have an annoying habit of bringing electric blankets, bleeding on ice, or detonating A-Bombs.)

• Don’t explode A-Bombs in the Arctic, South Sea atolls, or deep beneath the ocean. These locations are thickly inhabited with survivors from the prehistoric past. (Not to mention the blob, giant octopi, etc.)

• Don’t explode A-Bombs in the desert, which are full of many insect species just waiting for their chance to mutate into gigantic forms. As a corollary, don’t store sugar or picnic foods anywhere near a desert which has been the site of an A-Bomb test.

• Don’t explode A-Bombs near men or women. They may grow to gigantic size and battle casino signs in Las Vegas.

• Don’t visit backwoods regions of the United States, especially those regions filled with quaint people with colorful names like Leatherface or Pun’kinhead.

• Stay on the Interstate.

• If your parents killed a serial killer before you were born, chances are the serial killer will come back from the dead to kill you.

• If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making coffee will not help anyone.

• Do not, under *any* circumstances, ever go skinny dipping, especially at night.

• If you can avoid it, try not to swim in lakes or natural bodies of water. If you swim in a pool, you can see what’s under the water. also, don’t swim at night, especially when alone.

• If you really must run screaming through the woods, remember to dress for it. Jeans and sneakers always beat a filmy nightgown and high heels.

• When the bad guy stops to tell you what he is going to do to you, that’s when you RUN AWAY!

• Don’t volunteer to go for help !

• Don’t get locked in any building or business after hours.

• If you share a last name with the killer, creature, demon, or other nasty, make darn sure it is a coincidence. Otherwise, get a new identity. In any case, you will probably become it’s new incarnation.

• NEVER go back for anything you lost, anywhere.

• Never tease anyone. They either gain extraordinary powers, or go psycho.

• All myths and legends have a basis in fact.

• Never climb a fence with barbed wire at the top to go skinny dipping in an unusual, mysterious, government-owned body of water. Especially if there are rumors about government “happenings” circulating.

• When you walk into a room / house etc, ALWAYS at least TRY to switch the lights on.

• OR… When you walk into a room / house etc, NEVER even TRY turning on the lights, dress in black and be quiet.

• All in all, stay in the light, inside a well-boarded up house forever surrounded by people and do not make yourself vulnerable in any way possible (by getting naked, allowing yourself to be left alone, etc.)

• Don’t bother telling another character to “Stay in the car.” They won’t anyway, and will end up saving you.

• Do not allow children to watch television, read old books or play with puzzle boxes or dolls unsupervised.

• Do not move into a fully automated computer controlled house. Unless you’re Bill Gates. Do not allow a computer the ability to lock doors.

• When scientists start saying they have made a breakthrough in Gene splicing. Pull the plug on the project or resign as C.E.O of the Corporation.

• Avoid men in black.

• Also avoid men with pointy teeth.

• Natch facial hair.

• Also people with pale complexion who moan and sway.

• If you manage to find a good bludgeon or any other good weapon, DO NOT throw it away after you use it. You WILL need it later.

• NEVER ever pick up hitchhickers on deserted rural roads, especially if you live in Texas.

• NEVER start crying/whining when the monster or villain has you cornered, it wastes precious time that you could use to fight back and the monster or villian does not really give a damn about your life anyway.

• Never ask a vampire if he’d like to stay for dinner.

• If you answer the phone and hear someone breathing heavy on the other end, never assume it is your boyfriend playing a trick on you. And never never, never, say “come on over, my parents are gone for the weekend.”

• Fnd a city before dark. Never turn off down a nice looking dirt road.

• When shark hunting, it is always a good idea to have any underwater power lines marked out on your map.

• Be the daughter of a venerable and crusty scientist, preferably the world’s leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs. You can dramatically increase your chances of survival at this point by following in your father’s footsteps and becoming the world’s second best leading expert on things with scales, Latin names or way too many legs.

• Refrain from wearing makeup, in particular red lipstick or nail polish. This is catnip to monsters.

• Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he’s probably right!

• If you stumble across the body of a dead friend, do not go looking for the rest of your friends, because they’re probably dead too.

• If you can find any of your friends, leave immediately.

• When someone tells you not to look behind you, don’t!

• Never go mano-a-mano vs. any monster which lacks a discernible head or limbs, or can infect you with something.

• Never be funnier than the main character.

• NEVER eat/drink ANYTHING brought forth for a weird ceremony.

• NEVER make it obvious that you did not eat/drink anything brought forth for the weird ceremony.

• Don’t be a belligerent drunk. They have a nasty habit of getting left behind by the group and wandering to a deserted room (= deathtrap) to sulk.

• When investigating a house or place shunned by the whispering townsfolk, don’t try on the clothes in the trunk in the attic, don’t look in the mirrors, and don’t read the diaries.

• Never walk backwards!

• If you are traveling through a wasteland and the locals advise you to go no further that night, DON’T!

• Do not poke strange steaming rocks with sticks.

• Don’t run through the woods wearing high heels, as most of the time one of the heels will break.

• If, at any point, you are running from a monster/ villain in a car/truck/etc… don’t ever run straight on the road. Zig Zag, run off the road, do a U-Turn, whatever! It’s faster than you, and will catch up.

• If you see a burly man wearing a hockey mask and toting a hachete/chainsaw/axe/electronic-brain-sucker-thingy, DO NOT stick around to see if he’s with the Philadelphia Flyers.

• Never, never, NEVER try to remove the mask from the ‘dead’ villain. He’ll just get up again, and this time he’s gonna be pissed.

• If the Dam power suddenly shuts off. Don’t go try to fix the generator.

• Sudden and loud noises coming from the tool shed are generally bad, don’t be a smart ass and go check it out.

• If you have a cat, give it away. The stupid thing is only going to get trapped in a locked cabinet or closet somehow and scare you when you open it. This, of course, sets you up to be killed the instant you leave the room. Buy a goldfish instead.

• If you are in a car, the engine stalls, and a murderer is on the loose, you have a 99% chance of dying.

• If you happen to run into a house with the monster behind you and lock the door, DON’T stand near the door!

• Never buy your kids a doll that talks.

• NEVER say to your friends: “Whatever you do, don’t say _____,” and say the magic word that invokes the evil spirit.

• Never visit doctors with last names that imply insanity, death, or evil… no matter how highly recommended they come.

• If somebody tells you he’s from the future, believe him unquestionably.

• Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point.

• Never try to trick your friends into believing that YOU are the monster. If the real monster doesn’t kill you, your friends will.

• If you ever come across the phone number of an organization designed to help with a particular sort of monster, write it down and put it in a safe place.

• Stay indoors on the night of a full moon.

• After hearing the first news report of a bizarre murder victim found drained of all blood, leave town IMMEDIATELY!

• In archaology class, stay home for the unit on local folklore.

• If the garden pests grow to immense proportions, kill hamsters, scream loudly, or lunge, move away! THIS IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR FOR GARDEN PESTS!

• The less equipped you are to survive the movie, the better.

• Never go off by yourself to sulk.

• The monster will never attack until you are aware of it. Often, it will even wait for you to become scared of it.

• Never attempt to investigate the horror stories of a small town, no matter how certain you are that they are false. They are true and you will die if you go.

• Never say, “It’s over”, “It’s dead”, or “I killed it”.

• Curiosity kills.

• If you “have a bad feeling about this” go with it, and leave.

• Don’t buy antiques from strange magic stores. While it won’t do what the owner tells you it will do, it does do SOMETHING.

• Never watch a horror movie while you’re in a horror movie.

• If you get a strange phone call, get out of the house. It’s coming from the next room.

• Never pretend to be or make fun of the local “deceased” or “imprisoned” psychopath. For some reason, he tends to go after you first.

• If you do impersonate the killer, never leave his trademark mask lying around. Guaranteed, you will not be the next one to wear it, but that face will at least look familiar when you die. If you are a friend of someone who impersonated the killer as a joke and then someone apparently is trying the same gag again, run. Don’t look for your friend either, mourn him later on.

• If you aren’t the main character, then listen to what he/she says. For the most part the main character survives.

• Never, under any circumstance, ever plan a camping trip that coincides with Friday the 13th.

• If an alien creature has access to a shoulder-cannon, sharp teeth and/or limbs, or a 15-mile long ship that could destroy your whole city, don’t look at it in awe and try to shake hands with it.

• Never go near a town that has a mental asylum and a hardware store in the same neighborhood.

• No matter how slow the beastie is, as soon as you lose sight of it it can appear anywhere.

• If you are the main character, take the time to learn basic first aid, as you WILL break/sprain/strain/lacerate/ dislocate some part of your body as you are fighting or running from the monster.

• Hiding in your sleeping bag won’t make the monster go away…

• If someone screams “None of you know whats really going on here”, listen to them.

• If your name is not listed in the opening credits, there is a 97.89% chance you’re flybait!

• If the first 10 gun blasts didn’t do any good, there’s a good chance the next 10 won’t work either!

• Avoid any road or street where vehicles that drive themselves are seen.

• Remember this. Clowns are never nice. If you see a clown that makes eye contact with you, jumps on the hood of your car, laughs for no reason at all, carries balloons with threatening messages on them, or waves at you, run like hell and get therapy. Even Ronald McDonald is a potential threat…

• If the young girls of the neighborhood sing songs about boogeymen while jumping rope, consider moving.