What. The. Fuck.

Do not click if you are an animal lover.
Do NOT fucking click if you are under 15.

Trust me. You don’t wanna know this. Unless you saw/heard it on KAIT8 Jonesboro news. If you saw it there…. *Sighs.*

Day)    How I’ve been..
1)         Cried.
2)        Depressed.. Violent.
3)        Cried. And cried more.
4)        Might as well have cried…
5)        Ditto..
6)        [Don’t remember]
7)        [Don’t remember]
       Depressed.. nearly crying.. then violentish.. then nearly crying.
9)        Depressed… nearly crying… wishing someone would end it..
10)      Depressed… but not crying..
11) Down.. in slight physical pain (strange bite/sting..)
12) In pain, more than anything.
13) In some pain.. meds helping… Cried myself to sleep, just about.
14) Less pain.. less crying.. more emptiness… Swelling all but gone… He’s back though… maybe..

He’s back… I’m.. still almost surprised..

I’ve forgotten what the 15th and 16th were like… Other than just talking and agreeing with each other..

You can’t just throw away the amount of years we’ve been waiting… even if it’s just recently we’ve met..

I loved him then.. I love him now..
Best man I’ve ever known.
Best man I’ve ever loved.
Best man I do love.
Best man I do know.

My arm is better.. but I have fiberglass in my right hand. Oh the joy… -_-;

Or.. at least he said that he’ll still be my friend… =\

but I’m.. worried… I don’t know why for…

amazingly i can do apostrophe’s…

-whimpers- i’m not even his friend anymore… i can’t call him niisan… i doubt i’ll get the training i need… he’s deleted me from his msn friend’s list…

things went from amazing to fucking… -sighs- gods.. i said i would do /anything/ to keep him… i meant as a friend as well.. i haven’t been so fucking lost in a long time.. i bled off to even one of my hermit crabs, quina.. which in turn caused it to kill the baby between the two, vivi…

life is suddenly so dull… i miss him…

I don’t knwo wheither to cry… scream.. or break things… depending on how it is. I do know that the void in my chest is growing on occasion.

Why is he doing to me what others have done to him? … At least that’s the way it feels.

I have this odd emptiness in the middle of my chest… Sometimes the base of my throat burns… Overall.. I feel a little dead… Misaki helped a lot last night.. but.. oh well.. I’m holding out on a tiny thread of hope.

I just really wish I woulda been told to shut up or something…

but that’s what I’m gonna do now..

Ca va mal..
Things are better than they have been.. but I’m still all down of course… But it’s only karma, I guess.. But I talked to him last night on the phone, crying half the time.. But he really helped… I don’t know if he knows that… but he really did. Just hearing him helped me out.. And the reassurance he gave me…

My worry has gone down and I’m feeling better…

NationStates.

He popped on to say hi and.. I fucked it all up. At least, that’s how I feel… I keep thinking I ruined the fragile friendship we have between us.. He did make me feel a little better when he said, “I feel honoured that ya gave yourself to me, as much as ya could over the distance”. Honestly… that made me feel a little proud… He’s the only one I could give myself to like that.. Or in any way… He’s really the only one I trust like that.. To not make me do anything I don’t want to or anything like that.. Cos I give pretty much my entire BEING to him. I don’t use a past tense there because I still do…

I think I chose well with Shining Hope… I always have at least just a little bit.. And it burns always..

Wings of an eagle~ I soar for him..

Spirit of a butterfly~ Dust of hopes and dreams this one carries.. be cautious of the wings..

Soul of a rose~ A fragile little flower.. Easily grown or easily wilted..

Life sucks when you don’t have anyone… he wants to be friends right now.. I understand that part… but… there’s the part of me that wants to cry tears of blood.. part of me that wants to bleed out the pain… I feel what he did now… It’s in my chest… an ache… Wanting, almost desperately, for what was to be again.. I want to feel pain.. but when I think about doing it, I don’t. I guess that’s what I did for myself..

*Sigh.* I want a soul-knife… to nick at my soul.. to feel fully, not dully, the pain that’s inside… I don’t like this pain… There has to be more to it..

The only thing that comes to mind is to forget. I can’t do that. Even ignoring is only temporary.. I want nothing more than to go… I can’t.. but I want to… just so, so much…