Well… By FAR I am better. I’m not crying nearly every five minutes… Just whenever my mind wanders to where I should be, on the bus, is when I go to cry… But I’m doing far better than before..

I want my Niisan back… Hopefully things will get better and stay the way I hope they will for when I get able to go in a year…

Gods help me, I hate this. But I won’t do anything stupid… My Niisan told me not to, so therefore I will not. I listen to him above all else as he is Niisan, Koibito, Sensei, Kanshisha, and the one to whom my rose, wings, and butterfly belong to…

Wings of an eagle..
Spirit of a butterfly..
Soul of a rose..

He feeds and waters them.. without him, the feathers fall.. the butterfly loses dust.. and the rose wilts..

I need him..

I love him..

Well now.. So I’m pagan and believe in stuff like spirits (not alcohol), demons, bad luck, and magick.

But it is highly nerve-racking when you get spiritually attacked 2 nights in a row. The first one was just a test. Now they’re starting to get serious since his sheilds have gone away. I want to ask him to be sure about it.. but.. He’s already ticked off at me a little.

At least I’m fairly sure that I was attacked.. My senses are too dulled to tell. I haven’t been able to sense or taste anything in my dreams for the past while… I wonder if this is one way to get myself able to go? Part of me hopes so…

Things are getting better.. I can talk to him pretty well without wanting to cry.. Some subjects are.. touchy. Like thinking about college..

But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if he’s avoiding me.. I mean.. I understand. I really do. He wants to heal. But.. *Sigh.* Spoiled emotions. I feel like I’m not wanted…

Kind of… I can think about him without wanting to cry… But it’s still hard… I feel like I’m missing a piece of myself… It’s… not right…

I miss him and love him still…

So I’m feeling better. I can talk to him on messenger without wanting to cry. …. For a while, at least. I hope I get to feeling better soon… But there is no way I would be able to like anyone else…

I love him.

I can’t even think about him.

Right now, I’m keeping my mind a blank of everything except what I’m typing.

I’m having to ignore everything about him.

I won’t be able to talk to him on the phone or messenger.
I have to ignore him… all thoughts.
I can’t just burst into tears when I’m talking to him with mom and dad around.
Now things have become even more secret!

I’m really scared. I don’t want him to find someone else…

Life just went to fucking shit.

Nearly a fucking year. And he decides to break up with me.

I’m in fucking peices. Don’t try fixing me.

Okay, honestly, I’m just going to be ranting about something I understand, but I’m being spoiled and depressed about it…

Okay. So I’ve been planning on going to Canada for a while.. I made a mistake a while back about it, so now mom and dad are being involved in it.. I do understand that. But… The stress is having a horrible effect on my dad; he was getting closer to a nervous breakdown, the closest mom’s ever seen, she said..

So the guy I’m gonna stay with, he’s like my brother in some ways, more than that in others.. He told me that he couldn’t do it.. Have me come up while dad was having a horrible time of it. Being a Green Mage, a healer, he can’t cause dad that kind of pain.. I understand that.. completely. Since he and mom agreed on me staying for a year down here, he offered to let me stay a little more than a month, about 6 weeks he offered. Mom didn’t want it. It was still me going up there. I was really excited at the offer, hoping I would be able to go… but… Same thing.. same reasons.

Gods.. Sometimes life sucks.. Ever since then, I’ve been close to crying about it.. If I do.. Maybe it’ll help me with my contacts when I find my glasses.