i done hurt my neck

i can’t move to the left side

should i go to the er?

I feel icky…I had to cancel my day watching grandma tomorrow but still am spending the nite with her.  I don’t know what happened?  I was fine one minute and the next BAM! hot eyes, itchy throat and when i bend over stuff drips out of my nose.  And when I blow my nose i can hear my ear poppping and squishing. What is that?  Any doctors out there?  Anyway, my husbands grandma is still quite sad from the recent departure of her beloved husband.  I still don’t feel “normal” since dad has died.  And its been almost 5 years.  It really does never get better, just different.  It makes you tougher when it comes to death, I think.  Hope everyone had a happy easter! I’m waiting for my new DSi…i can’t wait to take pictures and be silly once again.

Sometimes I feel like just up and moving.  But to where and why?  Half the time I feel like I’m letting my life slip away.  Not doing the things I want or going to places I’ve never been.  All the places I want to visit seem farther and farther away as I get older.  I’m watching my family have babies and feel so empty sometimes not having that little family of my own.  Part of that drives me to imagine what my life would be like if I moved to the other side of the world.  Just to get away and start from nothing.  There are some places I’ve thought of living…Japan, Germany, some far away island accessible only by boat, but would my outlook on life change?  Could I be happy somewhere else away from my family?  Sure I’ve lived away from home, but does 3 years really give you enough time?  I know these feelings come from not being able to have children of my own.  I feel I have nothing holding me back here and why can’t we move anywhere we like?  Am I just too comfortable with knowing its not gonna happen?  My husband claims he wants children but has not acted on  anything.  I told myself I would not push him, but I feel I am being pushed into not having any. 

Our beloved grandpa Shin has passed.  He is not suffering anymore.  But that’s what you always say to justify death of a loved one isn’t it?  It is true though.  He took a turn for the worst this past week.  Went to the er, told his kids he wanted to die, was in a hospital bed at home, and was on morphine.  We visited him during his last hours.  I think he was waiting to see my husband, by the time we got home he was gone.  I’ve been kinda “numb” to death since my dad dies.  You understand more of life’s path when someone close to you dies.  You’re really prepared for anything.  Anyway, drink some sake for gramps and we’ll see you on the other side Shin.

What day is it?  I don’t even know anymore.  Friday was a whopper!  Spent all day at the hospital going back and forth between radiation, consults, bloodwork, and waiting for an ultrasound.  Gramps has a swollen arm and to rule out a clot, Dr ordered an ultrasound.  Ordered, not scheduled.  So we waited, and waited, got angry, waited, got more angry (grandpa I mean), until finally I called my father-in-law to “relieve” me.  He didn’t last any longer.  We got home at the same time, I went to get lunch for grams who was home by herself the whole time.  Dad said they would call with an opening.  Half an hour later, they called.  After much protest and refusal from Gramps, he went.  Only to wait another hour.  And we didn’t even get any results while there.  They were concerned with his swelling being so life threatening that I was ready to take him to the ER.  But they said I would be waiting just as long, maybe longer.  I doubt it now.  I cried for a bit while this was happening.  I was having flashbacks of a time during my father’s own terminal illness.

But life goes on, things must get done.  I must say I am learning a lot about my self and the patience we have as humans. 

The past month was a blur.  Between taking care of grandparents, my sister’s visit with her 2 kids, and my mom leaving for a month to take care of her mom, I haven’t had much time to unwind or lurp on the net.  My days off haven’t really been off.  I run errands and go shopping and help out other people.  My yard is neglected, my laundry is piling, and my inbox is overflowing.  I feel a quiet coming before an engulfing storm.   Hopefully its something just passing.  Again my life seems put on hold.  The only improvement lately has been my reconnection with my old buddy.  But with time differences its hard to catch each other and have a nice long chat.  I look forward to another getaway with my husband.  Dinner, a concert, and a hotel room.  We did it during valentines, minus the concert, and it was so nice to get away not be bothered with responsibilities.  I think we’ve started a habit, a good habit,  of taking time for just us 2 and focus on us and what we want and need to be happy.  I highly recommend it to all.

My friend and I have kissed and made up.  It literally feels like a dark ominous cloud has been blown out of my life.  I can feel the cosmos shifting, everything is becoming clear and hopeful.  At first she never responded to the whole “I’m Sorry” parts of my letters.  I told her I needed to make sure we were okay before I can feel like we can start over or pick up where we left off before our falling out.  Right now we are just trying to catch up with what each other has been doing the past 10 years!  True friendship is funny though,  still feels like we just saw each other, or we just had an afternoon of silliness after a long day of school.  Its a rare thing.  Something I will be sure not to take advantage of.

So I had to quit my new job and it was actually starting to grow on me.  My boss seemed kinda pissed, but I had to quit.  My family needs me.  My husbands grandparents are in need of some daily assistance and was asked if I could help.  Family is first for me so it was a no brainer.  I will now be spending Mon Wed Fri with them, breakfast lunch and dinner.  Right now they have some kind of service with a bunch of ladies who are caretakers.  Some ex nurses and what not.

Ahhh! this always happens to me…..I get a job, starts lookin up, then BAM! somthing happens and I gotta go help take care.  I would rather be with them anyway, I wasn’t getting paid enough at work for what I was doing.  And I don’t know how much longer I could have taken of all the people pampering.

So it’s Sunday and I’ve made it thru my first week of work.  Went shopping today for work clothes.  It’s been 1 year since I’ve had to “dress nice” to work.  It’s hard to find that individualized style when everything is so mainstream.  Finding shoes is a pisser.  Good thing I can wear slippers.  So about my job (I have a picture, anyone know how to make it look normal when I post?), it’s fun.  I’m doing the basic right now.  Learning inventory, where everything is on the floor, getting to know the regulars (I already forget everyone I’ve met), cleaning, errands, getting to know products,  oh if I haven’t mentioned it’s a beauty supply store.  And I must say, I am not the most girliest of girls.  I don’t wear makeup (chapstick is my friend), don’t do my hair (hasn’t changed since 8th grade), don’t get mani-pedis (I’m lucky if I remember to use the pumice stone hanging in the shower), my husband has to remind me to shave my legs and underarms (yes, I’m that ungirly).  With that said, I hope to find a new found love of foot scrubs and soaks, hair serums, and precision tweezers.  Maybe finally I will start taking care of my split ends and dry elbows.

When can we play again?