remember about 3 months ago i wuz talking about this dude i met at this hotel-y thing?  well i had another hotel-y thing this weekend and guess who wuz there??????? *happy dance, happy dance*  YAY!  im still in a super-good mood from hanging out w/ him on saturday.

in other news, first day of high school wuz today.

some words that described my first day of school

• quiet
• awkward
• lonely
• exhausting
• boring

i only had one class w/ anyone i knew and every class we did the same thing:talked about what we’ll learn, expectations, read over the syllabus… that gets so incredibly boring after a while.  and no me gusta mi clase de espanol.  la maestra es muy bueno, but soy solo porque es todos los décimos graduadores.  for those of you who dont speak spanish, i said i dont like my spanish class.  the teacher is really good, but im lonely becaust it is all tenth graders. (im not actually sure about this ‘cuz i didnt know how to say “it is all tenth graders” in spanish so i had to use a translator for that part and idk if it translated wrong.)  i got to skip spanish 1 cuz i took it for 3 years so im in spanish 2.  however,  since this schools kinda wierd (4 long classes a day instead of a bunch of short ones)  so only 9th graders that took spanish for all of middle school can skip to spanish 2.  which translates to me feeling very, very awkward.

back to this weekend: this time i was smart and got the dudes email address.  i wont actually get to see him in person till next may (crying!)  but at least i have his email now.

anywayzz, wish me luck tomorrow for my second day of high school cuz i seriopusly will need it.  in the spanish class i wuz whining about, they all kept messing up their spanish numbers (which i know very well) and it wuz sooooooo harddddddddd  to not correct anyone.  however, no one likes being corrected (especially by someone a year younger than them who shouldnt even be in their class) so i had to sit there and suffer.  ugh!

hope all of your first days of school are better!

hvae u ever had to break up with someone that u were completely crazy about and they were even crazier about u but something got in the way?  ever picked a fight over something stupid to make it easier and have to watch their face just fall?  and then have u ever made the mistake of watching them walk away afterwards?  if u havent then u have no clue how im feeling.  if u have, then… well, u do.  but in my situation, its different cuz its 100% my fault.  heres what happened.

remember when i talked about my first kiss?  well after that the same guy got quite a bit better at kissingand for about 2 days life was awesome.  ten my best friend told me that he was talking about me behind my back.  she said that he said i was annoying and boring and a bunch of other really bad stuff.  she also said she wouldnt talk to me untill i broke up with him.  so i decided i would dump him.  so we made plans the other day, and i walked all the way to this coffee shop by his house.  i called and his sister in law said hed already left to meet me.  he lives in kind of a bad neighborhood, so i was incredibly nervous.  and i waited. and waited.  and waited.  finally, 45 minutes and lots of origami birds later,  i called my best friend, who practically lives at her boyfriends house which is right by my guys house.  so she comes to my rescue, and finally my guy shows up, telling me he fell asleep.                                                                    i really shouldnt have done what i did next.  i mean, i know he doesnt get much sleep and that it was mostly his sister-in-laws fault for telling me he left already and not saying he fell asleep and to reschedule.  but i was incredibly freaked because i had waited in a bad neighborhood for 45 minutes to break up with him even though i really didnt want to.  so i just snapped.  i freaked out and totally guilt tripped him for faling asleep and told him i didnt think we should go out anymore if he was gonna be like that.  and my friend said he should go home.                                                                                                                    one look at his face and i knew that there was some sort of mistake with my friend and him.  whatever he said she misheard or he didnt mean or… something.  but i could just tell from the look in his eyes that he didnt think i was boring or annoying or any of the things she said.  and i also knew that i had majorly screwed up.  but beforee i could say anything,  he turned and shuffled away looking like he was about to cry.  i knew he never cried.                   so i turned to my friend and said “he looked so sad”  and she responded with “oh, hes just trying to guilt trip you.”  i wasnt even surprised.  i knew she wouldnt understand and that if i went after him shed never talk to me again.  and she really is a good friend in all cases non-boy-related.  so i just watched him walk away.  and i just talked to him via text message, and im pretty sure he wouldnt take me back if i asked him to.  he sounded too sad.

so that brings m,e to now.  no one ive talked to is helpful.  my best friend tells me to just get over it, my grandma doesnt quite get why im sad, nd my little sister…well, is ten and has never gone out with anyone.  my mom gets that im sad but doesnt quite get how sad cuz she doesnt know the entire story.  she loves my ex and doesnt really like my friend so i know shed say to dump her for him which i cant do.  so im hoping one of my fellow sanrio-ites will have something helpful to say.

so, sanrio-ites…HELP!  (please)

why is it that ppl are so obsessed with standing out?  a few years ago, almost everyone i knew had the same idea of what “pretty” means–classic, blonde-haired small-waisted girly-dressing girls–and most of them disliked the fact that they didnt fit the stereotype.  however, i have blond hair and i like dressing girly (my waist isnt that small) and i didnt love it, i didnt resent it, i was just like “thats just how i am.”  but now all of my friends (who are perfectly awesome how they are) are changing every detail about themselves-dying their hair funky neon colors even if they have naturally beautiful hair,  claiming to be “emo” when they were happy and cheerful for their whole lives, dressing like boys with baggy pants and backwards baseball caps when their favorite colors are pink and purple -all in an attempt to “stand out” untill they arent the same person anymore!!  i dont really care to act like a poser and try to twist reality into something its not, so i have remained how i am, blond hair and pink clothes.  for a little while no one really cared, but suddenly im a “conformist” for not being all “look at me im so different!”  but really, if you think about it, its even more conformist to try to change yourself just because everyone says to “stand out” (for those of you who dont know the definition of conformist, it means to alter your looks, personality or other things about yourself in order to make others like or accept you)  when people say “dont be afraid to stand out” they dont mean to go out of your way to be different, they simply mean that if you are different, you shouldnt hide it just because you think people dont like that quality.  i know i sound cheesy, but id much rather hang out with people who like me for the right reasons-e.g. sense of humor, intelligence, ability to keep up a conversation, etc.-not because i have hair you can see a mile away, listen to death rock, cross-dress, wear shirts of bands ive never heard of, or any other stupid, untrue reasons.  because, seriously, whats the point?  i dont get it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  my friends and i used to make fun of the people who wore shoes they didnt know how to walk in or carry around charcoal and sketchbooks when they are about as artistically gifted as a jar of peanut butter just because the guy they liked did or whatever, and now suddenly theyve become what they hated and im in the twilight zone.

seriously, is there an actual good reason for any of the above mentioned efforts to be “different”?  im not dissing people who are actually emo or who dye their hair because they like it that way, but i am dissing the people who do stuff like that in order to try to fit in with people whom they have nothing in common with but think are “cool”.  and for what?  about a million awkward conversations and seeminly small lies that stretch and stretch and stretch?  CLARIFICATION PLEASE!!!

ok.  soo… i had my first kiss yesterday.  it was….. very very awkward.  this is where it gets confusing… idk y it was awkward!  the setting was sooo classic - we were @ the park at like 10 @ night and there were stars and everything!  and the person isnt the issue - he wasnt a great kisser (from what i could tell, this being my first kiss) but he wasnt really a bad one either.  and its not like i dont like him - he is perhaps one of the awesomest ppl on the planet - and im pretty sure it wasnt my fault (im just v. good @ avoiding awkwardness ’cause i hate hate hate awkwardness) so im not really sure what it was…

and this is the part where i totally suck as a person.  me & him were gonna hang out 2day, but i canceled for no reason except i just felt like it.  i told him i ws busy, but i spent the whole day reading.  reading reading reading.  i finished a 360 page book.  and i was depressed all day for no reason!!  i really like reading, but it didnt cheer me up at all.  i tried reading outside (fresh air and sunlight normally cheer me up) i tried reading to music, i tried reading outside to music, and when none of that worked i cleaned.  nothing. i was depressed all day.  i am really mood swing-y, so im never in one mood all day (except “happy” sometimes) i have not been sad all day since my best friend moved 2 colorado and lost his personality-yet today i was sad all day and the only thing that makes today different than every other day since my friend moved 2 colorado and lost his personality (and yes, my best friend was a boy) was that my first kiss happened yesterday so im guessing the two are somehow connected.  but im wondering

why?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!??!!??!?!?!?!?!?!!?

the first time he kissed me on the cheek i smiled 4 a week straight.  same for the first time he held my hand.  but he kisses me on the lips -my first kiss on the lips ever-and i get all depressed.

and now i cant sleep.  again.  for a month i got only 3 hours of sleep a night at most, and i finally got over it but suddenly i have insomnia again and im mad about it.

i know its not that i dont like him - i really do.  and i suppose it could have been more awkward (thank god he kept his mouth closed!!)

but… i still dont get y im so depressed.  maybe i came down with a case of depression at the exact same time that i got my first kiss by some freakish coincedence.  maybe while my conscience mind is normal, my subconscience mind is emo.  maybe i have the flu!!!! i remember whenever ihad the flu i was super crabby-and i was crabbier about the crbbiness than the actual sick thing, so i noticed the crabby part first!!!!

yeah, untill i get a better excuse, im going w/ the flu thing.