ok, so many of you know that “Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist” is an amazing, excellent movie. ill bet not many of u knew that its a book-i sure didnt, untill i found it at the bookstore yesterday. anywayzz, its really terrific!! i am in love with this book!!! WARNING: it has swear words, which i dont give a f*ck about but some people are more sensitive about s*it like that, so… yeah.

oh god, i cant stop thinking about that hug. it was so strange!!! whenever my guy friends hug me, i barely even notice. or else im like “this is WAAYY too awkward!” and never hug them again. but yesterday when “joe” hugged me i was like super aware of it, of every place his arms touched my back, but i never wanted it to end… then i think back to after ryons funeral when i couldnt stop crying and how he put his arm around me… and i had my head on his shoulder…. and for the next week and a half it was like the one place on earth i wanted to be, but i had no clue why… god how dumb. i want to go back in time and smack myself for not noticing it earlier. then maybe i wouldnt be like “omg he hugged me and i actually noticed!!! how weird!!!!” cuz seriously, how stupid!!!! i always hear my gal friends go on about their boyfriends and say stupid-sounding s*it like “i wish i was in his arms right now!” and “…then he kissed me and i wanted it to last forever!” and other sappy crap and i always thought they were totally exaggerating or something cuz i had never experienced anything like it. and now im listening to “stupid girls” by p!nk hoping it will sink in and ill shut the f*ck up in my mind, but its not working cuz im not like changing myself so he’ll like me, which is the whole point of the song. an switching to a different song now… ok, now i have “when i get home, you’re so dead” by mayday parade on full blast to remind myself how relationships pretty much always end-at least for me. im not on speaking terms with any of my exes. im always like “lets still be friends!” but they always end up hating me for dumping them, so it doesnt work out.
ok, now im back to sanity. but if ur actually reading this, plz give me advice on how to get over this crush i apparently have on “joe”. and i refuse to believe that its anything more than just a crush, cuz then im f*cked. im off to listen to pissed-off breakup songs and read nick and norahs infinite playlist, cuz i cant put it down for more than like ten minutes at a time

saw “joe” again today. just got back.
his hair had frozen and was sticking up funny
but instead of me thinking it looked dumb, it made me smile
he was wearing brown. i hate brown.
but instead of being like “eww!! i hate brown!!!” i noticed that it matched his eyes.
and one of his teeth are crooked in front. and normally effed-up teeth really bug me.
but i thought it was kinda cute
and then before i left he hugged me
and i never wanted him to let go THIS IS VERY VERY BAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this has not been an easy couple of weeks for the two of us, and neither of us were looking our best. because normally, his hair is actually really adorable-its curly but not mondo-curly, and blonde, and OMG I HAVE TO SHUT UP ABOUT HIS HAIR!- and when he doesnt wear brown and has normal hair hes really cute. so if i get all butterfly-y when he hugs me with messed-up hair and while wearing my least favorite color, how will i feel when he looks normal?!?!?
and i cant end up like-likeing one of my guy friends. even if i dont act on it. i have lots of guy friends, and a handful of them have crushes on me and they dont act on it… but i can tell. and im cool with it-why should i care? as long as they dont act on it, then i dont have to let them down, and things stay the same! but guys r different from girls. he may be able to tell, and then he might not be cool with it, and then he’ll avoid me and it’ll get all awkward… ive seen it happen. and i dont want that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think i should just become a nun… they dont date at all.
but now im gonna be a little girly and go on about him and that hug

-miserable at best, mayday parade.
thats the only line from the whole song that actually applies to my situation.
sometimes listening to sad songs is all u can do though.
oh wait, theres one more line:
“i know that im good for something, i just havent found it yet.”
because, seriously, why am i here????
if God doesnt have a reason to keep ryon on earth, then he really shouldnt have a reason for me to be here.

my acting teacher told us about this weird disease his brother had, and when we asked if he died he was just like “yeah, he did.” thats it. i cant even believe he used his brother as an example for class like that, like it was nothing. like he had forgotten that he was talking about a persons life, a persons life that doesnt exist anymore.
that is my worst nightmare. because when the last person who knew ryon stops thinking about him, its like he never existed. i cant take that.
and i know that i really have to stop crying and move on with my life, but then if i stop thinking about him its like i never knew him which would be terrible.
i cant stop crying. i have to stop crying. but i cant.
i feel like my throats closing up.
i know that theres nothing i could have done, that when its ur time to go, its your time to go and if something gets in the way of that happening, then something else will succeed the next day. if a man is destined to drown, he will do so in a glass of water.
but i keep wishing that i could have done something that night, something so he wouldnt have been in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“i would have stayed up with you all night, had i known how to save a life.”
anything at all.
i used to wish at 11:11 every night, and on the first star i saw, and basically everything that u can wish on. i loved it. but now i just cant think of anything that i want. i wish he was still here, but no amount of me wishing will bring him back. so theres no point. and thats the very first on my list of things i want. when 11:11 rolls around, im like “what should i wish for?” this makes all the other things i want seem so much less important. “more money? i really could use new shoes. i am so sick of getting wet socks every time i leave the house. seeing hotel dude again?? magically improving my grades??? nah. none of that is important.”
new shoes is so superficial. there are way worse things in this world than wet socks. i barely even notice anymore.
i dont even remember why i wanted to see hotel dude so badly. hes just a person. the person i really want to see (other than ryon, since hes the one i really want to see, but i cant, ever again) is “joe” i have a feeling that seeing him would make my throat stop feeling so closed up. luckilly, i get to see him next tuesday. sadly, thats when i would normally see ryon. i know that ever ten minutes, every time the door opens, me and “joe” will be looking at the door, thinking “is it him?” because he always walked in late. then we’ll remember and then want to kick ourselves for forgetting, even if it was just for a second.
what was the last thing i considered wishing for?? oh yeah, better grades. whatever. i find them important, but thats not the kind of thing you can just wish on to make it better. you need to work hard.
so i just end up wishing that i will still remember him a billion years from now when im old and wrinkly.
i dont want to be like my acting teacher, lecturing us about smoking and stuff with all these examples from people he actually knew.

only have like one minute, but i have a tragic story:

there was this guy whom i had a crush on for all of middle school, but he didnt like me back. yesterday i glanced @ new myspace pics he had uploaded and had a “what was i THINKING?!?” moment. today he sent me a pic of a smiley face w/ hearts for eyes.
wow. WOW. WOW! that is absolutely all i have to say.

besides this:

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well today was the first day of the new quarter. i have my least-favorite teacher twice *mad face* its not so much that hes a bad teacher, he just really intimidates me. and you shouldny be intimidated by teachers.
my spanish teacher last quarter was the best. she was so nice about me being a bit out of it in class after ryon died. sadly i wont have her again till next year :’(
so basically had a sucky day. but i did a totally killer drawing of evil algebra symbols in math. my friend got all Concerned when she saw it. whatevs, its just a drawing.
demonic division, satanic subtraction, and evil exponents.
however, NO MORE CIVIC!! EVER!!!! unless i decide to become a lawyer >.

mine dont appear to be working normally. and not the kind of reflex they test at the doctor when they hit ur knee w/ that little hammer and u end up kicking ur little sister cuz she was standing in the way.

an example of the reflexes im talking about:

looking both ways before we cross the street. my mom, aunt, grandma, friends parents, and neighbors always reminded me to look both ways before i cross the street so many times that i wanted to tear my ears off. however, it stuck-ive always looked both ways before i crossed the street, even if the crosswalk light thingy said “walk”
but now i dont. i dont know why, but i dont look both ways anymore.
but thats just one example. there r many more reflexes that ive been ignoring. one especially wierd thing is my hair. ive always been a freak about brushing my hair, but i havent brushed my hair in exactly one week. but i wash it every night, so its not even tangled, just a little frizzy, which doesnt matter cuz ive been wearing it in a ponytail, even when im asleep. it just doesnt feel right down.
ive been overly freaky about brushing my teeth, but i dont wash my face. i wash my hair really well, but i dont comb it. i drink way more water-at least 8 glasses a day, as im supposed to- but i eat whatevers laying around, and screw how many calories it has.
my reflexes like that r all screwed up now.

and my self-preservational instincts are the worst. i no longer remind myself to be careful when i wash knifes when im doing the dishes. and of course, theres the whole crossing the street thing. i run up and down the stairs, when i unplug stuff i just pull on the cord, i use electronics around water, when im in a car and the person driving answers their cell phone i dont give them a look, etc.etc.etc…
i used to be a total freak with a capital F about stuff like that. im aware that this should really scare me, but since my self preservation doesnt appear to be working right, i dont actually care.
is this just yet another side effect of having a friend die? freaky teenage rebelling instincts? im going with the first one, cuz this never happened before. but if u have an opinion, plz share it.

so i have this friend, and ive called him “cornflake” ever since i met him. that was his nickname at the time, and its just what i know him as. he never minded. but now he just asked me to stop calling him cornflake. he says he thinks its a stupid name. so i say “ok” but it really makes me sad for some reason. its like all my friends r turning into people i dont even know anymore. and if they dont change, then somehow life changes them. like they move to colorado, or they die. :’( ahh!
of course, i now feel stupid for turning all goony over the fact that “joe” let me rest my head on his shoulder while i was crying. i still am glad he was there. i still miss him. hes still like the one person i want to see. but i feel stupid for it.
and thats another thing-if the person doesnt change and life doesnt change the person, my view of the person changes.
hotel dude-ive given up on him.
mr.crush-turned-geek– exactly how it looks. i suddenly see him as a total dork.
but listen to this…
my mortal enemy, ex-friemeny’s ex boyfriend whom i have never gotten along with–suddenly i dont hate him. i mean, he still hates me and so i dont exactly like him, but i actually believe that he is a human, and not a demon.
“joe” my friend whom i never used to really think about– i feel stupid about it, but i really really miss him.
like my whole view of the world is changing.
but certain things stay the same.
ive spent my whole weekend watching episodes of “hey arnold!” (my favoritest cartoon ever) on youtube.
ive been listening to the grateful dead (my favorite band ever and it always will be!) whenever im not on the computer.
im still scribbling random poetry on every surface in sight (none of which i find to be good enough to put on my blog)
but suddenly not all of the poems rhyme.
some things are changing, and some are staying the same. and it seems so random what changes and what stays.
i thought it might be what my mom calls the “14-year-old brain melt” where ur brain gets rid of info to make room for new info. she says that means i should hold on to my childhood memories because if not theyll be lost in the brain melt.
but the thing is, i seem to be remembering things from my childhood and getting rid of newer information. so thats pretty much ruled out.
certain other people say that its just cuz i lost a friend and so my behavior isnt the same as it used to be. they say its my way of healing.
but this seems to have nothing to do with me healing at all. its not related whatsoever.
so idk what it is, but somethings wacky.

im not so sure that i want to go back to how i was. except for one thing: i wish ryon was still alive :’( i had a dream about him last night-that me and my mom and some other firends went in a very “back to the future”-ish time machine to the night he died, and we ended up randomly shopping at wal-mart all night long. he wasnt in the wrong place at the wrong time. and he got to live as a result of it.
woke up feeling like i was floating out to sea on an iceberg.
and i realize that if that had never happened, nothing would have changed. i wouldnt have emerged from my depressed hole that i had sunk into -and am trying with all my might to not sink into again without being in denial over what happened or forgetting about him and who he was- and realized that i no longer liked mr. crush-turned-geek, or that i hadnt thought about hotel dude in a week. and my guy friend whom im calling “joe” never would have made me stop crying that day and put his arm around me (oh, i have a new theorey btw… but more on that later) and then i would not miss him as much as i do now.
and thats fine. if he was still here, i wouldnt mind none of that ever happening.
but now that hes no longer here, i dont want to be back to normal! did u kno that the whole week before i found out, i was obsessing over my hair?!? i had tried to dye the ends purple and they turned out a sick greenish color.
then, ironically, the same day that i found out, i actually dyed the ends purple. i wonder if he would have liked my purple hair. somehow, i cant show it off. ive had it pulled back into a ponytail all week.
i look at how i was back then, and i wanna punch that version of myself in the face. i wonder how she could be so superficial, worrying about her hair and makeup so much when she had so much to be happy for. that version of me had no clue that in a few hours, she would receive the news that would make none of it matter anymore, that would make her skip on brushing her precious hair, pass on the glittery eye makeup, and wear all black, frumpy clothes for the forseeable future because she simply wouldnt see the point in anything else.
at least, unlike the last time that i decided that looks dont matter, im not running around being a beyotch to everyone. im still nice to people and theyre still nice to me. because if i didnt have friends to listen to how my life has suddenly become the twilight zone, id lose my mind.
but i should quit bitching about that cuz i wouldnt want it different.

anyways, heres a new theorey about what exactly it is about “joe” that suddenly appeals to me so much. the fact that he saw that i was crying, and pulled me closer to him so he could hug me like it was a reflex. which, i think, it should be. you see your friend is upset, you just hug them. at least for guys. i always ask my guy friends first if they want a hug when theyre sad, cuz most guys dont hug as much as chicks. but girls? it doesnt matter how feminist, im-just-as-tough-as-any-guy we act-when we’re crying, we need a hug. dont question it, just hug me. and “joe” is the only one who did that-not just now, but in my whole life. even my ex-boyfriend would always ask me “can i have a kiss?” or “can i get a hug?” which i used to think was nice that he respected my space. but its kind of bogus, if u think about it. i mean, he was my boyfriend, of course he could have a kiss!!! if i didnt want him to kiss me, i wouldnt be going out with him!
which, in the end, is why we broke up-i didnt want him to kiss me.
but u should be able to see ur friend is upset and just hug them. dont question it. theres something about having someone understand that without it being said that impresses me for reasons i dont even understand.
but wait-lots of my guy friends hugged me when they sawi was sad at the funeral.. among them was hotel dude. which was nice-its always nice to be hugged. but none of their hugs meant quite as much to me as “joe”’s hug did. which brings me back to why im confused in the first place-why is it that out of all the people who tried to comfort me and make me stop crying so hard, “joe” was the only one who succeeded? arrgghh!

she doesnt know who shes dealing with.
dont get me wrong, i love her to death
but at times like this
i hate her a little bit.
makes no sense.
if anything, i should hate her when shes mad at him.
and im mad when she is.
but secrerly,
and i feel terrible about it
but in my mind,
im like “yay!
maybe they’ll break up.
maybe things will go back to how they were.”
but, of course, one week later…
“im so in love with him!
i could never be mad at him!
hes the best!!!”
which, of course, he is.
she doesnt even know.
i used to be best friends with them.
both of them. separately.
ive known her since we still watched saturday morning cartoons.
we were closer than close.
and we still are.
(sorta…)
and he is was a newer friend
but he was the best.
he couldnt say my name,
so he called me “ezzy.”
or, my favorite, “ezre”
thank god! he deserves someone who wont talk shit about him to his ex-best-friend for no apparent reason!
i so wish.
heres what i really would say:
me: well, i think that may not be the best idea. just give it a few days things will get better!
then, the next week…
her: i love him!!
hes the greatest!!!
im so lucky!!!!
i know sulking wont solve anything.
i know it wont go back to normal.
and i really miss him
but shes dealing with
the best guy ever,
and she doesnt seem to know it.
so thats why
she has no clue who shes dealing with.

ok so basically, i have shifted into an alternate dimension. thats the only logical explanation. my first clue came about 3 weeks ago when my aunt, who is like wiccan or something and is so not into christianity, was watching joyce meyer. i asked “why are u watching joyce meyer?!?” and her response was: “ive been watching joyce meyer ever since i was pregnant with your cousin. (2 years and 6 months ago) joyce meyer rocks!” i know joyce meyer rocks. i own 3 different versions of “battlefield of the mind”. but my aunt? she got pissed @ me for singing a christian rock song when i was like 9. but when i brought this up she said: “ive been going to church for eight years!” blew. my. mind.

but now i know i have. because i was hanging out w/ my guy friend that i have the insane crush on-or used to. maybe. im not sure- and it was like any other time we’ve hung out, except this time all i noticed about him was all his annoying traits that ive never noticed before. normally i think the way he talks-carefully pronouncing every word- is adorable, but the other day it bugged the crap out of me! normally i find all of our random conversations endlessly interesting. normally i admire he isnt like most guys where he talks about sex every three seconds and how we can talk for like ten minutes about something like socks or Sharpies. but the other day when we were discussing which country has the best food-italy vs. india?- i felt like screaming “this conversation SUCKS!” and he didnt seem to feel the same way at all. he was perfectly ok discussing coke vs. pepsi, but i could feel my eyes glazing over. and thats another thing- he prefers coke, i like pepsi. any other day id be like “um, so? most people like coke. i can stand it, but i just like pepsi better.” and i dont mind that there r certain other things we disagree on-he hates greek food, i love greek everything- and the fact that hes never heard of kost of my favorite bands -bob seger? the steve miller band? THE GRATEFUL DEAD???- and the fact that most of his dont really sound like my type of music-bruce springsteen? i mean, i understand a love of cheesy music (hello, bob seger) and i understand thats y he likes him, but really? theres so much more cheesy music out there. and who would name a band modest mouse? i wont listen to them just for their name. and owl city???? especially that fireflies song??? i used to like it till i realized it SUCKS!- but its the little things that really stuck out, like a neon sign screaming “what was i THINKING?!?!?” of course, i still dont mind him as a friend. but seriously, i somehow only see his geeky side.
i really dont get that.
and another thing: ive barely thought about hotel dude, except when im noticing how little ive been thinking about him. whats with that? hes basically all ive thought about for 8 months! and suddenly i just stop????????????
but the really weird thing is who i do keep thinking about and who i do want to see. its my friend whom im calling “joe” people say its cuz he was there and he helped me stop crying when ryon died-which i know is a big fat part of it. but… lots of people were there for me when ryon died. and i really appreciate it. god knows that without them, i would… well, not be okay. of course, im not completley over it. but im a lot better than i was. anyways, lots of my friends were there and helped cheer me up. my ex-frienemy made me a card, wrote me a song, hugged me while i cried and got her shoulder all snotty and tear-y, and helped me get my mind off of things. oh, and on day 1 of finals, when i was too torn up to go to school, she texted me during her tests so i wouldnt spend the whole day staring at the walls with no one to talk to. even when i wasnt saying anything interesting, she just started saying quotes from my favorite movies. shes been so great, and im so glad, and i really am grateful that she was there.
and many friends from school who were really more like aquaintances, i didnt know them that well, were so much more helpful than i ever could have anticipated!!! one of them talked to me on facebook a ton and really helped me feel better and less alone and i really am so glad she was there cuz she really helped and i dont think she has any clue how much.
but i really really really really miss “joe”. like how i used to feel about mr. crush-turned-geek, where -and this will sound so lame!-when i was around him, everything that sucked didnt matter cuz he was there, and all my stress went away and i felt like i had nothing to worry about.
now i have no such feeling around him. i feel just like i was sitting next to an… aquaintance. what HAPPENED? and the strangest thing is, he doesnt seem to notice at all! his enthusiasm level hasnt gone down at all!!
i mean, hes a very positive person, which i admire. hanging with positive people always makes things seem a tad less dismal. but its not like “oh, everythings okay now, my life is great, i think im gonna go skip through a field of daisies, la-di-da…”
and thats not quite how i feel about “joe” either. the only reason i am using that analogy is to show how much i enjoyed hanging out with crush-turned-geek. somehow, “joe” is like the one person i wanna hang out with. its like… when ur massively craving some chocolate. like u really want some chocolate and have for a few days. like im feeling a little bit crabby and i will untill i get some chocolate. thats how i feel!!!! OMG I HAVE A COMPARISON!!! thats exactly it!!!! i know comparing a person with chocolate is weird on so many levels, but dont focus on the actual metaphor, focus on what its describing. like im not like Super-Beyotch, but im a little bit irritated, and feel like i will stay that way untill i get a chance to see “joe” again!!!!

yay. ive been trying to find a comparison for almost a week. anyways.
so idk how this could happen! i know most people go through freaky changes when a person they know dies, but i dont think they could really make that person
-find a guy they used to have a massive crush on suddenly dorky and a little bit annoying when they hung out with said guy for a prolonged period of time,
-stop thinking about a guy whom they had been thinking about pretty much nonstop since theyd met him, and
-make a person whom they were friends with before, but not close friends, suddenly become the only person they seriously wanted to see???
so u see why i think i may have gone into an alternate universe.
tell me if u think this is normal or abnormal or if u have any explanation at all cuz im at my wits end!! (tehe. i love that phrase. but seriously.)