I agree with one of my compatriots on The Iris Network, the violence in the Grand Theft Auto series is not nearly as deplorable as its portrayal of female characters. I love getting my jollies out with a rocket launcher and dodging the cops as much as any other denizen, but my enthusiasm is somewhat dampened by the fact that I always have to be male. As if only men do drugs and shoot weapons. The women of GTA are either girlfriends or prostitutes, angels or whores, and we’re long overdue for some real women in Liberty City.

You might say, but there have never been any female drug lords. You might say that, but you would be wrong.

A female drug lord is currently Mexico’s sweetheart. Since she was arrested last September, Sandra Avila Beltran (aka La Reina del Pacifico or Queen of the Pacific) has been the subject of pop songs as well as news stories. She is the “highest profile female drug trafficker in Mexico” and the head of PR for a cartel smuggling cocaine from Columbia to Mexico. Her marriage to a Columbian drug lord was likely made to form an alliance between their businesses as much and more than their families.

This woman would be the perfect protagonist in a GTA game. In fact, I’m going to call it here and say that sometime by the 10th Grand Theft Auto title, there will be a game with a protagonist at least partially inspired by her.

If I were designing it myself, I would also throw in references to the blaxploitation movies of the 70s and to Nancy Botwin on Weeds, but the main story would be about the hispanic gangs of Liberty City. In the late 1980s, our heroine arrives in Liberty City with her husband to handle distribution of cocaine. We’ll call her Alexandriana, or Alex for short. Her husband dies early in the game, and Alex takes full control of the company.

Would my Grand Theft Auto play differently from Rockstar’s GTA? Not particularly. You would still steal cars and weapons and even helicopters and use Liberty City as a sandbox. I would also, however, throw in some diplomatic missions to form alliances between local gangs. Everyone wants to date Alex to gain control of her position in the cartel, and she can use local social events to manipulate them. But she is not a whore and never parks with anyone. Unless it is a male prostitute hired to be used and then possibly killed for cash. (Hey, those are the breaks when you’re a prostitute in Liberty City.) Social or dating missions would be short and based on talking to the right people. They would then be followed by assassination missions to take out rival gangs or show the new allies who is boss.

I think I’ll start a design doc myself. If I finish it before professional studios make it a reality, I’ll have a good writing sample that also shows I can predict trends in the game industry.

I really want to play The World Ends With You, but I can’t spend any more money on entertainment until I start making money again. So if I want to play it I’m going to have to downsize my present DS collection. Other than the Japanese games that I can’t trade in anyway, there’s:

Animal Crossing– can’t say I’m playing it anymore, but my cousins are and it may become fun again if I can meet them over the wifi.
Pokemon– not playing it, but so many other people have it I know as soon as I turn it in someone will ask me if I have it so we can play together
Rocket Slime — Yeah, I’d trade this in. But I want to finish it first.
Kirby’s Canvas Curse — Not far enough to trade it in, and it’s kind of a rare game I think so I should hang on to it.
Hotel Dusk — I may want to play this again when I have completely forgotten it. Or play it to get the perfect ending.
Etrian Odyssey– I’m not very far into it, only at the first FOE. But I don’t want to get rid of it. Sometimes I feel like level grinding or map making.
Lunar Knights–debating giving up on this one. It got to a point where I didn’t know what to do and even looking it up on GameFAQs didn’t seem to help. And the anime cuteness was starting to get to me. It was an excellent game until I got stuck though. Maybe I could go back to it and finish it.
Picross– Haven’t finished all the puzzles yet, and even after that I think you can get more over the Wifi. And it’s fun. I want to keep it.
Planet Puzzle League–Ditto. Plus the multiplayer would be awesome if I could convince anyone to play with me.
Lost In Blue–I might get rid of this one. I’m not sure whether I want to finish it or not. I’m tired of watching the kids die over and over again. And having to remake the same tools over and over because they keep breaking. Maybe if I go through it with a walkthrough I can find an efficient way to finish it.
Super Monkey Ball– I need to work my way through the single player mode to unlock the multiplayer stuff that is the reason I got it in the first place. I really just wanted to play Monkey Fight, and they make you unlock it!
Jam Session– Yup, I can get rid of this one. The DS is not a guitar. And if I want to play music on it, Daigasso is way more fun and succeeds better as an instrument.
Duck Amuck– is such a guilty pleasure. It’s a broken game but I love fiddling around with it. There are still a few mini games I haven’t found yet.
Final Fantasy Chrystal Chronicles: Rings of Fate– Too new to get rid of. And surprisingly fun and challenging.
Professor Layton — Likewise new, but if I finish it I probably will get rid of it. I can’t see the puzzles being fun a second time through.

And this is completely ignoring Taiko Drum Master DS (which I might want to import anyway) and Guitar Hero DS, and Mario Kart DS which I always meant to pick up. Sigh. So many games so little cash and time.

I also really wish I was playing Persona 3: FES on the PS2, but even if I had it I can’t play my PS2 right now because the TV at this apartment doesn’t have it’s remote and it’s impossible to switch it over to the external channel. I was lucky to finish Psychonauts before the switch. I bet that’s what it is like in Hell– You get all the latest entertainment equipment and a giant plasma screen TV, but no way to switch to the external channel to play video games on it.