God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

It’s incredible how quickly everything changes in this house hold… One second, I’m totally pepped up for the upcoming week. Be-cause, well, let’s face it, I’m a genuinely optimistic person, and be-cause next week holds so much promise. But everything’s a shade of gray in this house, where no one really knows where anyone else stands on any issue one way or another. And everyone is indecisive about their feelings and emotions and can’t keep a set mood for more than ten minutes… It’s a terrible, twisted, confusing, surreal way to live, and I truly hate it. Being unsure all of the time, not knowing who to trust or who to be-lieve or what to say…and what to keep hidden.  The lines and boundaries of everything are foggy and blurred, and you can’t be sure if what you see is what you get… In fact, that’s the only thing you can be sure of… That you can’t, in fact, be sure of anything.

And it breaks my heart. That these people I supposedly “care about” and “love like no other”, make my head spin and my heart beat fast like this. And not in the fluttery, perfection-of-the-moment sense, in the way where I want to tear it out be-cause it’s pounding up and against my chest and making everything hurt and feel wrong and out of place…

And I feel like I should be over this by now. I should expect it, and just deal with it… But it gets me, EVERY time. And I don’t know what to do about it. I just get quiet and walk on tip toes, but they yell at that too. They say that everything I do is wrong, and everything I am is incorrect. But the worst part, goddammit, the worst part? Is when they say what I be-lieve in is wrong.

Which gets to me. It hurts. They tell me how foolish I am. And I feel it now too. I feel like my motto in life, my purpose, no longer has a place here. They say that I’m selfish. And I say I just want to help people. And she laughs, and he musters a huff. And I feel small, and helpless, and want to get away be-fore things get worse. Be-cause the cut on my face still hurts, and it re-minds me of how things get if I’m not careful. 

So I nod and “mhmm” my way out of it. But they’re persistent. And eventually all of the words I utter feel empty and useless so I just stop. Things get messy be-tween me and him but I extinguish the flames by backing out and away. By closing my mouth and biting down the words that burn my tongue.

And I want to-morrow to be good. Be-cause, well, thanks to a lot of factors, it should be an amazing week. Some fun trips, seeing my babies at the camp, that cute new guy I’m taking an interest in, me and my best friend hanging out for days on end… Everything should be looking up. But then I re-member where I come from and the future looks bleak, like an unfurling canvas of dark that swallows you whole.

And then spits you out be-cause you taste bitter…

But then where are you?

When you catch your breath and look around… where the hell are you?

I guess be-fore I can rant about all the crap going on now, I’ll have to catch you up. >-< Using past blog posts as a reference, I’ll just write and reply to all the things that were important to me.

Okay, I’ll start with Tadpole. Well, I continued to crush on him for most of the grade 8 year. And just as I was starting to get over him, he asked me out on April 30^th on a school trip. Things be-gan awkward around us, but we got better at the whole “going-out” thing. There were a lot of question marks for me around how much he actually cared about me. Actually, those “wtf’s” floating around are still in the near-most atmosphere. So now, I am planning to break up with him. Mostly be-cause over the summer I’ve changed a lot, and he hasn’t. I’ve be-come a lot more independent, and, if possible, even a little more self-kept. Right now I don’t feel like having anything serious in my life. I just want to spend lots of time with my friends, and hook up with some hot guys. If in the process I find someone I totally connect with (which I’m starting to doubt since I am outrageously picky) hell fricking yes, I’m game. But like I said, I’m thinking that’s not coming for a while. Which I’m perfectly okay with. :]

I guess I’ll then move on to the friends in my life right now. Okay. Bam. You got Katy, Brie, Java, Butter (re-member him?!?! :D) and Spencer. Katy’s my go-to girl, we hang out all of the time and recently just took a suave vacation to-gether with her parents, brother and cousin. :] Additionally, there’s Brie. We just be-came close this year, but she’s like my baby and I love her just oh so much. ^-^ Then there’s Java (a clever nickname if you couldn’t gather that) and uh, I don’t even want to go into that yet. Then there’s my baby boy Butter who I just be-came close with again after he broke up with his long-time girlfriend. :] And, OF COURSE, my favourite! Spencer! My shy, sarcastic little friend who makes my world go round and my heart go bu-bump. :]

Pumpkin…ah… don’t get me started. I want to shoot myself for still thinking about him on a daily basis. I honestly don’t have romantic feelings towards him anymore, be-cause I know it’s completely pointless, especially since we’re not even friends anymore and I barely see him at all these days. I think it’s just that feeling I had with him. Like that: “I could be with you forever” feeling. And I keep comparing every vibe I get from every guy to that one. And none even come close! But, hey, I’m lucky enough to know what I’m looking for. 

Okay, story time over. It’s now time to talk about the here and now. God, uh. Where to start. >-< Okay, so, I volunteer at this summer camp that I used to go as a wee little one. It’s so amazing, like a time machine. I get to be outside in the blazing heat all day wrestling, and running around, and, well, just being a little kid. I would love it so much more if I didn’t have to deal with a certain someone there. You guessed it Java. Sure, he’s a great friend, but he has made my summer SO stressful. Well, alright, so, he likes me, has since the first day we met (apparently, that seems like total bull shit to me though). And he’s not intimidated to say it. Everyday. It stresses me out, be-cause he’s not the kind of guy I’m looking for. And, well, I’m always just at a loss of words at what to say to him. Be-cause if I totally rip his heart apart, I lose one of the closest people to me. But, in all honesty, I doubt he hangs out with me just to be a great guy and help me out with all my issues. It’s be-cause he wants to hook up. It’s totally obvious. It really is. And that really hurts, be-cause it seems like that’s what all my friends want as of lately. One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago that’s he’s been “in love” with me for the past two years. About a week ago, the only one of my guy friends I thought would NEVER be like that with me, told me he’d love to hook up after I break up with my boyfriend. And, well, it’s SO frustrating! Like, I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have an amazing personality. I’m nothing special at all. Which makes it even worse be-cause I’m sure they’re figuring that I’ll be easy, or something like that. And the ones that don’t want to get with me, try and get to me hook them up with one of my few girl friends.

It’s actually really depressing me lately. Be-cause it seems like no one in my life currently cares about me all that much. And I know that’s a common theme of this angsty little blog, but right now it’s really hitting me.

I’m kind of glad I have Butter back in my life now. But even he, I doubt I can actually trust him with important things.  He’s probably going to be-come one of those friends I can have fun with but not expect a real, deep, spiritual connection with. I help him with all of his problems and whatnot, but I don’t bother him with any I’m having. But he might be coming over to hang Thursday, so we’ll see what happens then. We’ve been texting a lot lately, and he says things like: “Chloe’, you’re like my best friend now, and I love hanging out with you and stuff more than any other girl. And what we have is really special and I’d do stuff with you I wouldn’t do with other girls” and blahblahblah. I’ve been hearing it so much lately it sounds like a load of crap. A big, steaming load of CRAP. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Butter right now… Like whether he’s trying to be a good friend, or just trying to use me for /something/ (it seems like everyone is). But we’ll see. I think the answer will be-come totally clear in time.

That seems like about it. I’ll try and blog a little more, like at least once a week or every other week. <:]

And, wow, okay, we’ll just see how this all turns out.