Man oh man, the things that stick with me. The ghost of Crow is still sort of looming around these days, like one of those secrets in your head you try to quiet but won’t shut up. Well, just another skeleton in my closet of corpses. Things have gotten better be-tween us at least. Sometime the week be-fore last, he called out my name from be-hind me and walked me to seventh hour. Likewise, the Thursday that just passed (what is it with Thursdays and amazing-ness?) he playfully bumped into my side to get my attention and again walked me to class. The same day, he came up to me in the bus loop, touching my chin (being ironic as I sometimes greet people that way) and starting up a conversation with me. However, I’m not really committing myself to him right now. I’m not going to close my heart to every other guy out there for this one who will probably never like me again, and, let’s not forget, really, really hurt me. Unfortunately, there is an overwhelming lack of men at my school who aren’t either stupid, total dicks, boring or taken (and sickeningly enough, the vast majority are all of the above). But oh well, romance is not my main concern right now. I have about four-five hours of homework a night, and am barely keeping my 4.0 GPA. For a while I’ve managed to keep an A in my college class all year so far (even if only by a few points), and brought up my Algebra II grade with some help from my teacher and a few good test grades. Right now, I have all A’s, except for my B in Creative Writing, which, to be honest, seems completely ridiculous to me. She gave me back one of my papers and docked off 20 points be-cause she said she didn’t like my writing style, even though grammatically, and even ideologically, I was right on… I’ll win her over. :] De-spite the fact that I barely ever have the opportunity to talk to them at all, my friends are so supportive. Danny is being just being Danny, in all of his innate awesome-ness. I’ve also be-friended Danny’s buddy Hunter, who is really cool and who I’ve been spending a lot of time with lately (unavoidable since he’s almost always with Danny and Danny’s almost always with me). They both help me a lot with not getting too stressed out with school. I wish I could spend more time with them then I’m reasonably permitted, but I’m just really glad to have them in my life right now. Chris is helping me a lot with my AP course (since he’s taking the same one) and gives me some insight on a lot of the teachers I have now (since he had most of them two years ago). And things are basically going great with all of my close – closer friends (Brie, Spencer, Justin, etc, etc).

The problems I am having are, unfortunately, the two I like to consider “best” friends. Lauren is an obvious one. Ever since late elementary school, we’ve had our issues. It was usually just a matter of her screwing me over and me getting unreasonably mad. I’m not going to go into tons of examples be-cause there are tons for me to choose from, one being her going out with the guy I liked the day after he broke up with me (without asking permission or any of that cordial crap) or when she was hard-core flirting with the guy I had been crushing on for months and made me watch. Those are two that just come to mind immediately and I don’t even really care be-cause they were both soooo long ago (the former in grade 6 and the latter, late grade 7) but she sort of did something similar about a week ago. Not as drastic really, but while we were conversing , she called Crow over (she knows about all the drama be-tween him and me) and gives him this huge hug and starts talking to him. Not wanting to deal with it at all, I just turn and walk away. I’m good at hiding my feelings when I’m really pissed off. Later, I call her out on it, and she starts playing the victim card like I’m the villain here. That wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t had texted both Danny and Lamb to tell them to ask me why I was “mad at her” even though she had already admitted earlier to me what was up. I got pretty bitchy both with her and Lamb. Eventually she apologized and we made amends. Spencer tells me to just give up on her, but I don’t want to. I’ve known her basically since I was born (15 months old or something) and I pretty much grew up at her house, with her family. It’s nice having someone who knows everything about you and understands you, and I don’t want to give that up. Maybe we’ve both changed a lot since grade 4 (when we first started drifting apart), but we always come back to each other in hard, and good times, which makes me think we will be forever intertwined. But I promised myself that this is it. I’m tired of letting people stomp all over me. I think she knows I’m not playing around this time. I’ve been sticking up for myself a lot more lately. I might just be in an endless bad mood on account of getting up too early and doing too much work, but I like to blame the bitchiness on some deep internal change.

And then there’s Katy. I love Katy. She’s probably my closest friend, and definitely my closest girl friend (Goddamn my inability to be-friends females!). But she keeps doing this weird drama thing. And it drives me crazy. I try to ask her advice on things I’m dealing with, but she either a) ignores me, b) says “uh huh” and talks about something more katy-related, or c) re-ports everything I say to at least two other people. This really wouldn’t bother me, but then she gets all pissy with me when I don’t tell her stuff. She often asks me for advice and re-lies on me as a listener, and I’ve re-alized something. She really hates being single, like more than is normal for the romance-obsessed teenage girl. First she goes out with James, a few weeks later Billy, a few DAYS later Dillon (who I introduced her to), then she starts to like this other kid and breaks up with Dillon. When she realized things wouldn’t work out with her new boo, she went back to Dillon within the course of one week. And now she’s flirting with a guy in my creative writing class. I don’t really have a problem with that, that whole new-guy-every-other-moment thing, but she’s usually so enthralled in the drama of it all we can never really have fun like we used to…

Oh well.

I’m really focusing on school right now.

And I’m kinda kicking ass, so, that’s good enough for me.

My days are developing a strange pattern. The earlier hours are dull and uneventful; afternoons are light-hearted and enchanting. After school is usually so depressing, generally be-cause I see Crow, and he keeps doing these little things that make me so frustrated. Like yesterday, for instance, my day was all fine and dandy. My morning was filled with lots of new cute guy, who isn’t as amazing as Crow and definitely cannot replace him in my heart, but is still really nice and funny and who I get along with well. I had some good laughs in a few of my classes and thoroughly enjoyed my lit period, par usual. The day seemed just peachy, especially since I’d barely seen him all day (just a few encounters outside by the portables, where I ignored him and he ignored me). Well, the whole “getting over him” thing still isn’t exactly going as I’d been trying for, and one of the only hopes I’d found is that I could at least assure myself he was not the same guy I gave my heart too. He dressed differently, and talked differently, and smiled differently, and just wasn’t the Crow I’d grown to adore. This new him seemed fake, and artificial. The one I used to know was a loner, philosophical, and mysterious and intelligent. He was passionate and worldly, he had depth, but yet, at the same time, could put a smile on anyone’s face. But since that last day with him, he seemed different. Aloof, and a fake sort of enthusiast, his smile didn’t look genuine like they used to. His eyes no longer sparkled…

But as I come downstairs after seventh hour, I run right into him. He’s literally inches away from me, not an avoidable distance, so I say his name and he turns to me. He neither smiles nor scowls, like I’m unimportant, like he doesn’t even realize who I am or what I once meant to him… “Are you okay?” I ask, be-cause this far-away look is not one I like seeing on him. I’ve seen him upset, I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen what he’s capable of… “Yeah,” he says. And that’s all he says. As I re-call it, it didn’t even sound like him.  Right at this moment, the crowd dissipates in several areas and he moves from me, without catching my eye again, and without even a glance back. He goes to the left, and I go to the right. This encounter’s over apparently. This alone is enough to upset me. I find myself with my head down, staring at people wondering what they see in me. A lonely someone I think, be-cause I can feel it taking over me at that moment. It’s so de-pressing, that I used to mean something to this person, and he used to mean something to me too, and then he just de-cides to walk out of my life, without reason. Maybe I’m looking for what we used to have, but, really, I think I just want closure. Be-cause all of these little maybes keep nagging at my heart. But he doesn’t want to give me any answers; I really don’t think he cares at all. I feel like I should’ve known better, I feel like I should’ve seen this coming and avoided this kid by a mile. But he knew what to say, he knew who to be, he told me lies, and I fell for it.

So I go to my locker and get my books as fast as I can. A few of my friends call my name, but I pretend like I can’t hear them, be-cause there’s just something about seeing other people smiling and laughing when you feel like dying. I go out to the bus stop and, knowing Danny won’t be there, search for Hunter (a friend of Danny’s), be-cause I really just want to hug someone. But I can’t find him, and Lauren’s busy with people so I go to someone who can always make me smile- Joren. Courtney (his girlfriend) isn’t riding the bus home so he’s standing there listening to his iPod and I just go up and we start conversing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Crow approaching us. I turn to face him and we just stare at each other… it breaks my heart to do this, so I turn back to Joren. But I realize Crow’s still staring at me, within touching-distance away. I turn back to him, and the stare-down continues. Finally I say “What?” with a little bit of laughter in my voice, be-cause I’m sure that’s what he’s aiming for. And he smiles. Crap. I haven’t seen him smile like that in so long. And his eyes, they sparkle. And the realization comes to me. He is the same guy I fell for. He’s back in jeans and old sneakers and ruffled t-shirts. He’s optimistic and smiling. And he smiles at me, be-fore turning his attention to Joren, asking him about his day. Joren seems unconcerned and really doesn’t pay too much attention to the conversation, and eventually Crow walks away.

And that, that whole encounter nearly rips my heart in two. Be-cause, I sense that now he knows the power he has over me. He’s just playing games with me, just a joke to him. He says: “Haha, there’s that girl I used to actually give a crap about.” Like it’s something insignificant, and funny.

But, unfortunately, I don’t take it that lightly.

I get on the bus, turn on my music (David Nevue primarily) as loud as it goes, sit by myself to-wards the back, and just can’t stop thinking about him. A few tears escape my eyes and I really hate myself for it. I invest my heart into things. It takes a lot for me to do it, but when I meet someone like that, or stumble across something like that, I give it everything I have. And I hate the my judgment was wrong, yet again. I walk home in silence. I’m so lost in my own world, I walk in front of a car and have to jump to get out of the way in time when I see it coming. I get home, tune my guitar by ear and play until my fingers bleed, be-cause I just don’t want to think about him anymore…

While at work to-day, I feel painfully lethargic; this is out of character for me. I find myself thinking about him, more than I should be. And for once, I turn off my phone, empty my head and just throw myself into my work. My heart does an odd little jump when I realize I’ve finished everything that must be done in two hours, an effort that usually takes me four. I find odd jobs here and there to occupy the re-maining time. More than anything I want to talk to Ms. St. John, be-cause she’s one of my favourite people in the world, but Nicole, one of my co-workers is there and I feel it may be-come awkward if I strike up a conversation. So I stay quiet.

And then an odd sort of revelation overcomes me. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick and tired of letting something as insignificant as a guy get to me like this. Nothing’s going to come of feeling sorry for yourself. By re-membering the past, you’re only fooling yourself, trying to elude that this guy is better than what he actually is. You’re only re-calling the things you love about him, not the things you hated. Forget the good times, they’re gone now. Summer’s over. It’s time to grow up and move on.

It really hit me, hard. I don’t de-serve to be treated like this, to be toyed with, and hurt like this. We had our good times sure, but he’s being an ass about this, and I’m willing to accept that and open my heart up to something different.

It’s high school. Anything can happen. By tying myself down to this guy that can’t give or provide me with anything, I’m only closing the door to dozens of other opportunities.

Those doors are fucking swinging off their hinges now.

Good-by Crow and good fricking riddance.

Last Days of Summer – Silverstein

The bright light beams
From her eyes
Like broken glass
Or a broken heart
Who would have guessed
You’d leave me here
Beneath my eyes
I feel the tears
I hold backI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this way As my legs
start to shake
I feel nothing
I wanted you
I needed you
But you weren’t there
For me this time
Not for meI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this wayYou
That I loved
That I needed
You weren’t there
Not this time
YouWhat should I do?
I was supposed to love you
What should I do?
I won’t leave
What should I do?
I was supposed to love you
I cannot feel youLast breath I feel
Warm air intake
The last summer’s day
Last one I takeI won’t leave, leave this way
I won’t leave
Lost it all for you
I won’t leave
When the shadows beam
Misery remains
I won’t leave this time

I find myself caring less and less the more days that go by. It’s a sad turn of events, but in all honesty, one I be-lieve that had to occur. But, hey, I’ve come to realize lately, the people I thought would’ve left me long ago haven’t, and the ones I thought would be with me until the end aren’t… Goes to show how crappy my intuition is. However, my mind, unfortunately still wanders to that dark place in my brain sectioned off as “CROW” (yeah, he’s got his own fricking de-partment now, what do ya know?!). I was never good at that “getting over it and moving on” thing, but I think I’m making substantial progress. No, that’s a lie, I still can’t forget about him, but I just don’t express the feelings of regret and guilt I feel as openly. Hurrah for all the introverts out there.

In the friends aspect of life, things actually aren’t bad. I’ve still got Katy, which is a blessing. I don’t even care if she’s enthralled in her own life all of the time; as long as she takes me along for the ride (and hopefully lets me ride shotgun) it’s all good. Unfortunately, things could be better be-tween me and Danny / Butter (yeah, yeah, I said it). We were really close over the summer but now I feel like I’m sort of losing the bond I once had with him… Things are fantastic with Brie and I actually, which is both surprising and re-freshing. It seems like the only friend-esque moments I have with her are when we’re both crying our eyes out, but lately we’ve been having a great time, laughing a lot and sharing a lot of sweet moments. Things are just as they always are with Spencer, and, God, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I love the relationship I have with him. Justin’s been helping me sort through some stuff lately which I also appreciate. So, well, if this whole Crow thing has taught me anything (be-sides not being so giving with my heart in the future), it’s which of my friends I can trust and rely on. In addition to the Power Five, I’ve been spending a lot more time lately with Caroline which is so great be-cause we always get along and she’s a great listener. And, well, the best and worst part of all of this is Lauren… I’ve really missed having her in my life, and it didn’t really seem like she wanted me in it either most of last year. But now, she’s putting an effort into it, which isn’t expected of her. But, I like it. She’s like my sister after all, and we can always find common ground. Sometimes it’s kind of nice to be with someone who knows everything about you without having to have anything explained to them. I really want to make our friendship work this time (again; I know I’ve said that be-fore) but this whole Crow thing has me walking on egg shells. I thought him and I were going somewhere, and we were, just, ya know, turns out it was a dead end. I really don’t want to go through it again. I can’t re-member ever hurting about something this badly for so long.

And you know what they say:

“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

It sort of just sunk in at lunch to-day. Holy shit. To-morrow I start high school. This summer felt infinite and endless, like God would put it on loop or something. And I keep imagining I’m going to stay up late watching cheesy game shows, and wake up at exactly 6:45 with no definite plans for the day. Where I can wander be-tween my piano and guitar and go on spontaneous bike rides to nowhere. This summer was weird as anything, sure, that’s a given, but it was insightful. I learned a lot. I think I grew up a little bit too. Which isn’t necessarily a bad or good thing. I’m still really young, so it wasn’t any mandatory “coming-of-age” or whatever, and yeah, I’ve still got a hell of a lot to learn.

But, hey, I got a head start. :]

Well, I know my schedule, and I’m going to tell you now, it’s be-yond perfect:

1.       Pre-AP biology

2.       Pre-AP English

3.       Gym

4.       Algebra II

5.       World Cultures Honours

6.       AP Environmental Sciences

7.       Creative Writing

I really think I’ll get a kick out of the creative writing class. Be-cause I love writing, sure, but also be-cause I’m so curious to the sort of people I’ll meet. I’m hoping they’re passionate people, like me, but I have a feeling the class will be composed of two sorts of people. 1. The kind who took it as a cheese class for an easy A to raise their GPA. And 2. The kind who thinks it gives them scene kudos or indie points. :O Like, I’m terrified I’m going to walk in and everyone will be wearing all black with eyeliner running down their face writing poetry about how much life sucks.

Be-sides that, everything seems as though it’ll work out pretty rad. All of my close friends (Katy, Danny, Justin, Brie and Spencer) are all going there. And basically all of my other friends excusing those younger than me, Ari and Lamb are all along for the journey. :] Unfortunately, I don’t have any classes with my bestie Katy, and I probably won’t with Danny, Justin or Brie, but I have a good feeling I’ll have at least one with Spencey. :]

Haha, we’ll see. :3

God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

Well, I might not be blogging as much, because I’m starting a new music blog (a side project that ight be taking over?) I would be honoured if you would go check it out at http://blog.mymelody.com/chloesprofile

Anyways, my current life status. Well, this weekend, I sort of want to crawl under a rock. I did something sort of, well not mean, I didn’t think anything of it, but I said something that might have hurt someone? Someone I’ve known for sooo long. But I felt so horrible, so I had to apologize immediately. Of course she accepted and even suggested we hang out sometime.

And it made me feel worse. I really wasn’t punished enough. I got off easy. I mean, I hope I learned some sort of lesson from this… but did I really? Will I remember this the next time I go to open my occasional huggge mouth. What if she’s still harboring dark feelings but didn’t wan’t to create drama? (kudos to her then) I guess I’ll talk to her again. I don’t want to fricking harass her, and I feel bad that I’m only doing this for my own well-being. But I guess having a conscious is good? I just wish I could replace that with extreme compassion…

I’m slowly recovering from the Pumpkin trap, and there’s even someone new.

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous.

But he requested me as a friend, and I’ve ever actually met him before (I think he’s in high school?) I know he’s not a pedophile or anything because he’s on bunches of my friends tops, and a lot of people say they see him every friday at [local teen hangout]. But he’s like, a genious. I thought Pumpkin was smart? This guy is like a million cagillion times smarter. He was talking about fate and the time space continuom. He has a substantiol vocabulary, he wants to be an actor and he’s on the debate team? He’s absolutely hilarious! And he’s never had a girlfriend? Suprising because he’s also very cutte. I just wish he went to our school, or that I could meet him. ;-; why do i always start to like guys I can’t have? Well, maybe I don’t like him, but I sure wouldnot mind spending some time with him. Here, here, it’s impossible to explain. read his profile::

My Name is ____
I like Strawberry Milkshakes. Thats one thing you have to know about me. In addition to that, Im an actor, which means I act. Deep down, people agree that Im a very philosophical person who beleives in a universal combination of fate and instinct naturally balancing themselves out so that everyones life essentially becomes perfect as long as they dont intentionally mess it up in hatred towards themselves. People seem to enjoy it when I give them that speech in full. Yeah, I’m on the debate team. I’m also weird, I draw cows, and play around with things I find on the ground, EG: String, Nails, Garden Tools that I name Carlito, or the Space Time Continuum. I’m dangerously ticklish, I’ll have you know, but try to not tickle me in somewhere thats supposed to be quiet. I’m pretty cool as being your friend goes. Just don’t be confusing. If you want anything from me, don’t give me annoying little hints, just tell me flat out. I like it when people speak their hearts to me. I also like secrets. Tell me them, I’ll give you advice. I’m getting better at not telling anyone. I’m pretty big on food, even though I’m incredibly skinny. I can eat nearly anything. Ice cream is a big plus. You cant go wrong with the Italian stuff though, y’know, Pizza and Pasta. I like that. Chineese food has MSG’s in it which are yucky and give you bad dreams. Fast food is made of feces no matter how much anyone denies it (cept taco bell and arbys. They’re safe). I also make videos. I work at a camp, and also enjoy doing it on my freetime with my friends (look below). Drugs and Sex arent good. Neither is masturbation. Thats not cool either. If you’re not straight Im also cool with it, just know that I am. On that note, if you’re a girl, Personality over looks, and dont be a lifeless looser who doesnt do anything fun. If you’re a girl and you want to “get with me” and all that Jazz, just hit me up at Cobb, every Friday, I’m sure to be there. Call me as well, **********. Also, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never made out with a girl before. Keep that in mind. I’m not experienced, so dont come to me looking for someone to sweep you away on a magical sexual adventure. I’ll try to if you want, but probably fail. I text, but perfer phone conversations. I get free minutes after 7, but dont have unlimited texts, thats probably why. So call after seven, text before seven, got it? Public television messes with the mind, and makes you think inside the box. Thats where that phrase came from. In “Think outside the box”, Box is referring to TV. I choose to do just that. Oh, and Im huge on baggy clothes. Long sleeves, jeans and cargo pants, long socks, jackets, etc. I like my tan line to be even. And they’re cozy. My main goal in life is to make other people happy. I live to see that someones life is essentially perfect for any time being, especially if you’re my friend. I will do anything to make you happy, whoever you are (except kill myself, because I know some smart ass reading this is totally going to say that). I debate, I act, I eat, I flirt, Im nice, smart, talented, extremely-fun, semi-funny… Everyone who truly knows me tell me that my only flaw is I know nothing about the way the world works outside of my little bubble… My idea of life is nobody kills eachother for fun, war is stupid, and drumsticks are the leg of the chicken, not the arm. Apparantly I’m wrong, but nobody has any proof, so I keep thinking that.
So basically, My mind is a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and taste and smell. Hearing and sight keep hitting and chipping with sharp fatal tools on my brain… Nevertheless I feel that cleverly I am being altered and I slightly am becoming something a little different, in fact
MYSELFYeah… Thats me in a nutshell

Wow, omigod, I get chills reading it. He’s just so fricking intelligent. XD haha, maybe I have lost my mind. I don’t know this kid, maybe he’s a total jackass. But don’t ruin it for me. I’d like to think there’s someone perfect out there. ^o^

But yeahhh, this got away from me, basically… GO READ MY NEW SIDEPROJECT, If you like music, I’m sure you’ll find it at least a little interesting, ;D

Where did all these guys come from? Last year I was having a dry spell of boys, maybe because I was so in love with Pumpkin I really didn’t open my heart to anyone else…

But now that I don’t see Pumpkin much anymore, it’s like the guys are just coming in.

First we have my closest guy friend Butter (hehe, remember him). I was pretty sure he liked my best, Lauren (guys usually do) until I realized while he was giving me a piggy-back ride, he looked up at me with those unmistakable kiss me eyes. I immediately jumped off because it scared me and then later while I was talking to my friend Maggie she said this girl (who is in love with Butter) said she was jealous of me because she was so convinced Butter liked me. It made my heart do that awkward bu-bump. I was just like, wait, I thought he liked Lauren. Don’t all guys like Lauren? And then I realized, he does wait an outrageously long time for me at my locker and goes out of his way so he can see me between classes, and today when we were at the bus loop, he hugged me a little closer and a little longer, and held my hands like he’d never let go. And I got scared and left. Maybe he’s just being nice because I can’t remember the last time a cute guy liked me.

But that’s no the end of it. I was on the bus, and my bud Jon mentioned how he thought our friend Kyle liked me. My heart did that bu-bump thing again. And I just said: “Huh? No I don’t think so…” but Jon seemed pretty convinced.

And then there’s one of my ex’s from last year who flat out told me he wanted a second chance with me and how he thought I was cute and smart and different than everyone else but he just liked my friend a few weeks ago so I don’t take him very seriously.

And there’s another one in my 3^rd hour. I can’t honestly tell if he likes me or not (I don’t think so) but, I just think he’s sort of cute. And he’s on my possible crush-material list. He flirts with me a little and mentions when he thinks I look cute. He does me little favors here and there, and is always totally sweet. We talk about a lot of different things and we totally click. But I super, majorly, doubt he likes me.

And suddenly there are four of them.

And there are actually about four more guys plus that who have been flirting with me lately.

Crazy? Is it my new mascara? Am I just imagining it?

And I really am trying super hard to get over Pumpkin, but I’ve always been slow with that. But lately I’ve found myself missing him less and less. I still think he’s brilliant and good company, but I’m wondering if he’s worth it. I’ll leave it to fate. A little serendipity never hurt anyone?

And overall today was good. During second hour, me and Caroline were sitting alone in a classroom, barefoot, drinking coke and we got bored and it started raining very hard. So we ran outside and played tag in the pouring ran, screaming, jumping in puddles and running around all the outside portable. It was really fun and we were thoroughly drenched when we got to 3^rd hour. I got a 96 on my History test and my history teacher told me how he thought I was genius, and how proud he was of me and that I’d accomplished so much and that my creativity and insight was beyond my years… And I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say. Also the results of the school election came n today, and I won the much-coveted “Secretary” position I was campaigning for. Amazing. I also have plans for the weekend. I’ll probably be hanging with Deven and possibly Lauren. Such a nice change of pace.

But life has been different and good. 8^th grade is not as magical as 7^th grade, but it’s better than it originally appeared to be.

Today was horrible. Usually I censor everything on my blog because i don’t want people from school to read it and think i’m crazy, or fishing for compliments or anything, but today sucked so badly, I just want to bang my head into the wall.

It started off yesterday, when I began a new episode of paranoia, or maybe not so much paranoia as actuality. My friends were all leaving me behind, the ones that did still talk to me only did so because they needed or wanted soemthing, or because they felt they had to. A hug isn’t a hug unless you truly mean it. So it was yesterday I started to realize, man, I don’t have a true friend, it’s because I’m not good enough? That’s what I was honestly doubting. I don’t like being wrong, so I began to blame other people again. Oh, they’ve just been busy, or maybe something’s going on with them that I don’t know about… And I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 But today was icing on the cake.

I was walking with Kyle to lunch, and his loser little friends walked up. “Omigod! Is that you’re girlfriend?” (Wow, what morons) So Kyle thought it’d be funny to say yes. So they started freaking out and one of his buds (the blond one) was like: “oh well, you’re girlfriend’s really ugly…” I turned around and yelled: “Excuse me? You know I’m right here in ear shot right? You could give me a hell of a lot more respect since I’m old enough to be your babysitter!” And he put up his hands like I was about to hit him and said, “No offense” Oh really? Really? No offense? How could I /possibly/ take that personally? So I ditched Kyle and went and sat with Lauren and Deven who were in deep converse (who 2 months ago couldn’t look at eachother without spitting on the other’s shoes). I sat down and felt a little ignored but tried to let it go. I should be happy my two besties were getting along right? So we all went in line and I was so right depressed I just sat down with Crystalyn at the table next to the lunch line. And I expected for Lauren and Deven to come and get me after they got their food right? They came, said Hi to everyone at the table, and left. Left, so sick. My two supposed best friends. But the two prettiest girls in school /first/. So I felt a little forgotten, you know? And I didn’t really belong at that table, and I didn’t belong with Lauren and Deven. So where was I supposed to go? Half of me wanted to call my mom and tell her to take me home. But the other half knew that was dumb. She’s worse than all my problems put together. So I roughed it out. Like a rickety little boat on the skirts of a hurricane. And it sucks.

And after lunch I was still a little mad. i thought Tyler was going to cheer me up, make me feel better. But when he saw I wasn’t Deven or Lauren, he blatantly ignored me. Looked me right in the eye, and cut me off but didn’t say a word.

And I saw Pumpkin after 4th hour, and usually that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. But he just yelled at me because I didn’t come get him out of his 2nd hour like I said I would (and I tried!) and when I was talking with him, he sped ahead and talked louder, draining out my voice. So I continued quietly to 5th hour. From there on in, things were okay. Nothing else horrible happened.

 And it wasn’t all that horrible, just the concept of horrible.

Overall, today, genuinally, sincerely and truly sucked.

My life’s sort of been on a tight rope lately. Some days are just so amazing. And then the next I slip into a funk. This afternoon I was just so happy. I was literally giving off light. Everyone around me smiled because I was just so happy. I was like a little ball of energy. And what was there to be upset about anyways? Crystal came over, we set up my drumset, we jammed, we had fun. I even got to see Pumpkin today, at an assembly, I saw him, and I’m not sure if he saw me. I even got a 97 on my history test. Overall, today was good. Even when my mom got mad, nothing could bring me down. It was the eternal happiness a small part of me wanted.

But yesterday, yesterday was the pits. I was talking to my friend Taylor on the bus, and some how I began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. And it got me so sad. He’d say: “He’s not that good-looking, he probably would’ve gone out with you.” And I just wanted to bang my head on the window. Yes he is! I wanted to yell. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen! He’s a genious! He’s genuine! He’s perfect. Jon says: “I was pretty sure he liked you last year.” And I held back the tears, because I knew they were lieing! They didn’t want to tell me I could never have him! They didn’t want to say, you’re not smart enough, you’re not nice enough, you’re not pretty enough. They thought I’d have a mental breakdown. And I was so close too! But I thought to myself, just be calm, just be calm, they don’t know what you’re feeling, and they don’t know Pumpkin at all. I eventually cooled down. Walking home in the rain because you’re mom was too lazy to come pick you up (she was watching TV when I got home) can do that. I figure, maybe I’ll meet someone spectacular this year. But I’ve sort of given up on the idea. I’m not good enough yet. Crystal says that in high school there are tons of cute, smart guys. And for that I sincerely hope! I’ve been in this Pumpkin trap for nearly a year. It’s time for a change of scenery.

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.