My days are developing a strange pattern. The earlier hours are dull and uneventful; afternoons are light-hearted and enchanting. After school is usually so depressing, generally be-cause I see Crow, and he keeps doing these little things that make me so frustrated. Like yesterday, for instance, my day was all fine and dandy. My morning was filled with lots of new cute guy, who isn’t as amazing as Crow and definitely cannot replace him in my heart, but is still really nice and funny and who I get along with well. I had some good laughs in a few of my classes and thoroughly enjoyed my lit period, par usual. The day seemed just peachy, especially since I’d barely seen him all day (just a few encounters outside by the portables, where I ignored him and he ignored me). Well, the whole “getting over him” thing still isn’t exactly going as I’d been trying for, and one of the only hopes I’d found is that I could at least assure myself he was not the same guy I gave my heart too. He dressed differently, and talked differently, and smiled differently, and just wasn’t the Crow I’d grown to adore. This new him seemed fake, and artificial. The one I used to know was a loner, philosophical, and mysterious and intelligent. He was passionate and worldly, he had depth, but yet, at the same time, could put a smile on anyone’s face. But since that last day with him, he seemed different. Aloof, and a fake sort of enthusiast, his smile didn’t look genuine like they used to. His eyes no longer sparkled…

But as I come downstairs after seventh hour, I run right into him. He’s literally inches away from me, not an avoidable distance, so I say his name and he turns to me. He neither smiles nor scowls, like I’m unimportant, like he doesn’t even realize who I am or what I once meant to him… “Are you okay?” I ask, be-cause this far-away look is not one I like seeing on him. I’ve seen him upset, I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen what he’s capable of… “Yeah,” he says. And that’s all he says. As I re-call it, it didn’t even sound like him.  Right at this moment, the crowd dissipates in several areas and he moves from me, without catching my eye again, and without even a glance back. He goes to the left, and I go to the right. This encounter’s over apparently. This alone is enough to upset me. I find myself with my head down, staring at people wondering what they see in me. A lonely someone I think, be-cause I can feel it taking over me at that moment. It’s so de-pressing, that I used to mean something to this person, and he used to mean something to me too, and then he just de-cides to walk out of my life, without reason. Maybe I’m looking for what we used to have, but, really, I think I just want closure. Be-cause all of these little maybes keep nagging at my heart. But he doesn’t want to give me any answers; I really don’t think he cares at all. I feel like I should’ve known better, I feel like I should’ve seen this coming and avoided this kid by a mile. But he knew what to say, he knew who to be, he told me lies, and I fell for it.

So I go to my locker and get my books as fast as I can. A few of my friends call my name, but I pretend like I can’t hear them, be-cause there’s just something about seeing other people smiling and laughing when you feel like dying. I go out to the bus stop and, knowing Danny won’t be there, search for Hunter (a friend of Danny’s), be-cause I really just want to hug someone. But I can’t find him, and Lauren’s busy with people so I go to someone who can always make me smile- Joren. Courtney (his girlfriend) isn’t riding the bus home so he’s standing there listening to his iPod and I just go up and we start conversing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Crow approaching us. I turn to face him and we just stare at each other… it breaks my heart to do this, so I turn back to Joren. But I realize Crow’s still staring at me, within touching-distance away. I turn back to him, and the stare-down continues. Finally I say “What?” with a little bit of laughter in my voice, be-cause I’m sure that’s what he’s aiming for. And he smiles. Crap. I haven’t seen him smile like that in so long. And his eyes, they sparkle. And the realization comes to me. He is the same guy I fell for. He’s back in jeans and old sneakers and ruffled t-shirts. He’s optimistic and smiling. And he smiles at me, be-fore turning his attention to Joren, asking him about his day. Joren seems unconcerned and really doesn’t pay too much attention to the conversation, and eventually Crow walks away.

And that, that whole encounter nearly rips my heart in two. Be-cause, I sense that now he knows the power he has over me. He’s just playing games with me, just a joke to him. He says: “Haha, there’s that girl I used to actually give a crap about.” Like it’s something insignificant, and funny.

But, unfortunately, I don’t take it that lightly.

I get on the bus, turn on my music (David Nevue primarily) as loud as it goes, sit by myself to-wards the back, and just can’t stop thinking about him. A few tears escape my eyes and I really hate myself for it. I invest my heart into things. It takes a lot for me to do it, but when I meet someone like that, or stumble across something like that, I give it everything I have. And I hate the my judgment was wrong, yet again. I walk home in silence. I’m so lost in my own world, I walk in front of a car and have to jump to get out of the way in time when I see it coming. I get home, tune my guitar by ear and play until my fingers bleed, be-cause I just don’t want to think about him anymore…

While at work to-day, I feel painfully lethargic; this is out of character for me. I find myself thinking about him, more than I should be. And for once, I turn off my phone, empty my head and just throw myself into my work. My heart does an odd little jump when I realize I’ve finished everything that must be done in two hours, an effort that usually takes me four. I find odd jobs here and there to occupy the re-maining time. More than anything I want to talk to Ms. St. John, be-cause she’s one of my favourite people in the world, but Nicole, one of my co-workers is there and I feel it may be-come awkward if I strike up a conversation. So I stay quiet.

And then an odd sort of revelation overcomes me. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick and tired of letting something as insignificant as a guy get to me like this. Nothing’s going to come of feeling sorry for yourself. By re-membering the past, you’re only fooling yourself, trying to elude that this guy is better than what he actually is. You’re only re-calling the things you love about him, not the things you hated. Forget the good times, they’re gone now. Summer’s over. It’s time to grow up and move on.

It really hit me, hard. I don’t de-serve to be treated like this, to be toyed with, and hurt like this. We had our good times sure, but he’s being an ass about this, and I’m willing to accept that and open my heart up to something different.

It’s high school. Anything can happen. By tying myself down to this guy that can’t give or provide me with anything, I’m only closing the door to dozens of other opportunities.

Those doors are fucking swinging off their hinges now.

Good-by Crow and good fricking riddance.

Last Days of Summer – Silverstein

The bright light beams
From her eyes
Like broken glass
Or a broken heart
Who would have guessed
You’d leave me here
Beneath my eyes
I feel the tears
I hold backI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this way As my legs
start to shake
I feel nothing
I wanted you
I needed you
But you weren’t there
For me this time
Not for meI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this wayYou
That I loved
That I needed
You weren’t there
Not this time
YouWhat should I do?
I was supposed to love you
What should I do?
I won’t leave
What should I do?
I was supposed to love you
I cannot feel youLast breath I feel
Warm air intake
The last summer’s day
Last one I takeI won’t leave, leave this way
I won’t leave
Lost it all for you
I won’t leave
When the shadows beam
Misery remains
I won’t leave this time

God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

It’s incredible how quickly everything changes in this house hold… One second, I’m totally pepped up for the upcoming week. Be-cause, well, let’s face it, I’m a genuinely optimistic person, and be-cause next week holds so much promise. But everything’s a shade of gray in this house, where no one really knows where anyone else stands on any issue one way or another. And everyone is indecisive about their feelings and emotions and can’t keep a set mood for more than ten minutes… It’s a terrible, twisted, confusing, surreal way to live, and I truly hate it. Being unsure all of the time, not knowing who to trust or who to be-lieve or what to say…and what to keep hidden.  The lines and boundaries of everything are foggy and blurred, and you can’t be sure if what you see is what you get… In fact, that’s the only thing you can be sure of… That you can’t, in fact, be sure of anything.

And it breaks my heart. That these people I supposedly “care about” and “love like no other”, make my head spin and my heart beat fast like this. And not in the fluttery, perfection-of-the-moment sense, in the way where I want to tear it out be-cause it’s pounding up and against my chest and making everything hurt and feel wrong and out of place…

And I feel like I should be over this by now. I should expect it, and just deal with it… But it gets me, EVERY time. And I don’t know what to do about it. I just get quiet and walk on tip toes, but they yell at that too. They say that everything I do is wrong, and everything I am is incorrect. But the worst part, goddammit, the worst part? Is when they say what I be-lieve in is wrong.

Which gets to me. It hurts. They tell me how foolish I am. And I feel it now too. I feel like my motto in life, my purpose, no longer has a place here. They say that I’m selfish. And I say I just want to help people. And she laughs, and he musters a huff. And I feel small, and helpless, and want to get away be-fore things get worse. Be-cause the cut on my face still hurts, and it re-minds me of how things get if I’m not careful. 

So I nod and “mhmm” my way out of it. But they’re persistent. And eventually all of the words I utter feel empty and useless so I just stop. Things get messy be-tween me and him but I extinguish the flames by backing out and away. By closing my mouth and biting down the words that burn my tongue.

And I want to-morrow to be good. Be-cause, well, thanks to a lot of factors, it should be an amazing week. Some fun trips, seeing my babies at the camp, that cute new guy I’m taking an interest in, me and my best friend hanging out for days on end… Everything should be looking up. But then I re-member where I come from and the future looks bleak, like an unfurling canvas of dark that swallows you whole.

And then spits you out be-cause you taste bitter…

But then where are you?

When you catch your breath and look around… where the hell are you?

I guess be-fore I can rant about all the crap going on now, I’ll have to catch you up. >-< Using past blog posts as a reference, I’ll just write and reply to all the things that were important to me.

Okay, I’ll start with Tadpole. Well, I continued to crush on him for most of the grade 8 year. And just as I was starting to get over him, he asked me out on April 30^th on a school trip. Things be-gan awkward around us, but we got better at the whole “going-out” thing. There were a lot of question marks for me around how much he actually cared about me. Actually, those “wtf’s” floating around are still in the near-most atmosphere. So now, I am planning to break up with him. Mostly be-cause over the summer I’ve changed a lot, and he hasn’t. I’ve be-come a lot more independent, and, if possible, even a little more self-kept. Right now I don’t feel like having anything serious in my life. I just want to spend lots of time with my friends, and hook up with some hot guys. If in the process I find someone I totally connect with (which I’m starting to doubt since I am outrageously picky) hell fricking yes, I’m game. But like I said, I’m thinking that’s not coming for a while. Which I’m perfectly okay with. :]

I guess I’ll then move on to the friends in my life right now. Okay. Bam. You got Katy, Brie, Java, Butter (re-member him?!?! :D) and Spencer. Katy’s my go-to girl, we hang out all of the time and recently just took a suave vacation to-gether with her parents, brother and cousin. :] Additionally, there’s Brie. We just be-came close this year, but she’s like my baby and I love her just oh so much. ^-^ Then there’s Java (a clever nickname if you couldn’t gather that) and uh, I don’t even want to go into that yet. Then there’s my baby boy Butter who I just be-came close with again after he broke up with his long-time girlfriend. :] And, OF COURSE, my favourite! Spencer! My shy, sarcastic little friend who makes my world go round and my heart go bu-bump. :]

Pumpkin…ah… don’t get me started. I want to shoot myself for still thinking about him on a daily basis. I honestly don’t have romantic feelings towards him anymore, be-cause I know it’s completely pointless, especially since we’re not even friends anymore and I barely see him at all these days. I think it’s just that feeling I had with him. Like that: “I could be with you forever” feeling. And I keep comparing every vibe I get from every guy to that one. And none even come close! But, hey, I’m lucky enough to know what I’m looking for. 

Okay, story time over. It’s now time to talk about the here and now. God, uh. Where to start. >-< Okay, so, I volunteer at this summer camp that I used to go as a wee little one. It’s so amazing, like a time machine. I get to be outside in the blazing heat all day wrestling, and running around, and, well, just being a little kid. I would love it so much more if I didn’t have to deal with a certain someone there. You guessed it Java. Sure, he’s a great friend, but he has made my summer SO stressful. Well, alright, so, he likes me, has since the first day we met (apparently, that seems like total bull shit to me though). And he’s not intimidated to say it. Everyday. It stresses me out, be-cause he’s not the kind of guy I’m looking for. And, well, I’m always just at a loss of words at what to say to him. Be-cause if I totally rip his heart apart, I lose one of the closest people to me. But, in all honesty, I doubt he hangs out with me just to be a great guy and help me out with all my issues. It’s be-cause he wants to hook up. It’s totally obvious. It really is. And that really hurts, be-cause it seems like that’s what all my friends want as of lately. One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago that’s he’s been “in love” with me for the past two years. About a week ago, the only one of my guy friends I thought would NEVER be like that with me, told me he’d love to hook up after I break up with my boyfriend. And, well, it’s SO frustrating! Like, I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have an amazing personality. I’m nothing special at all. Which makes it even worse be-cause I’m sure they’re figuring that I’ll be easy, or something like that. And the ones that don’t want to get with me, try and get to me hook them up with one of my few girl friends.

It’s actually really depressing me lately. Be-cause it seems like no one in my life currently cares about me all that much. And I know that’s a common theme of this angsty little blog, but right now it’s really hitting me.

I’m kind of glad I have Butter back in my life now. But even he, I doubt I can actually trust him with important things.  He’s probably going to be-come one of those friends I can have fun with but not expect a real, deep, spiritual connection with. I help him with all of his problems and whatnot, but I don’t bother him with any I’m having. But he might be coming over to hang Thursday, so we’ll see what happens then. We’ve been texting a lot lately, and he says things like: “Chloe’, you’re like my best friend now, and I love hanging out with you and stuff more than any other girl. And what we have is really special and I’d do stuff with you I wouldn’t do with other girls” and blahblahblah. I’ve been hearing it so much lately it sounds like a load of crap. A big, steaming load of CRAP. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Butter right now… Like whether he’s trying to be a good friend, or just trying to use me for /something/ (it seems like everyone is). But we’ll see. I think the answer will be-come totally clear in time.

That seems like about it. I’ll try and blog a little more, like at least once a week or every other week. <:]

And, wow, okay, we’ll just see how this all turns out.

wrote that little tidbit myself. :]

 Sorry I never blog anymore, I’d be lying if I said it was because I was so profoundly busy. It’s mostly because, I have a lot of projects due soon, I’m lazy, my internet’s on crack and because there has been a disamusing dull in the story of my life.

But I’ll tell it anyways.

I suppose things are going well with Tadpole. I’m not sure if he likes me or not, I’d love to say I knew for sure either way, but I’d be lying. It seems like I like him more and more everyday. For a few reasons which I will list, because the rules of blogging state that if you have nothing important to say, make lists!

1. He seems to understand me, even if only a little bit.

2. He has great intuition, he knows when I feel like crap

3. He’s pretty smart, although he may deny it and he seems to just be the sort of intelligent that “gets it” without having to have every little thing explained to him.

4. He reads minds!

5. He doesn’t have expectations, as in, just hanging out at his house or eating popcorn in the backyard is cool with him (thus, less pressure for both of us)

6. He doesn’t like going out to places. Neither do I. That’s always a win-win.

7. He makes me laugh.

8. Overall, he’s a pretty good friend.

The funny thing is though, I still can’t compare him to Pumpkin, haha, sick, twisted, sorry. It’s a little of all those things. It’s good that I don’t have to see him anymore because I’d probably still be completely entrapped by him, and I like a whole lot that I’ve meant someone new, who I have a much better chance with.

Overall, I just don’t want another dissappointment.

As I said, my life has been hardly eventful, therefor, when something juicy comes up, I’ll blog immediately. On that note, don’t expect a whole lot of weekly posts, :]

have a lovely day, ^-^ <3

Sorry I’ve been gone. I got my laptop taken away, but I’m back now (at least for the moment).

Well, I spent Friday night with Tadpole at a football game.

He’s like a super ninja (brown belt in Tae Kwan Do or something) so I kept wanting to test his capabilities, or mine, a little of both. So I kept insisting he do some awesome little ninja move on me, but he refused, saying it was “against his morals” or whatever. So I harassed him all night. Sometimes he’d give in and just do something dumb, that hurt for a second (like cracking my wrist, or finger or shoulder) and I just wanted to see how much I could take, but I could tell he wasn’t trying very hard which just got me more and more pissed.

And he just kept asking me if I was one of those creepy people that liked pain. And I told him I wasn’t, and tried to explain it. That I just like to push myself to the limits to see how strong I am or how much I can take.

But he didn’t get it.

And then he asked me if I was depressed and about suicide and all that kinda stuff and if he should be worried about me. It was weird, because not a whole lot of people worry about me, and it was kind of weird that he saw through me a little. And it was a little scary, because, a part of me could tell he knew. But then most of me is like, well if he knew how fragile I was, he wouldn’t be so insensitive, unless he just doesn’t care at all, because that could be a possibility.

And I put it briefly: “I’m happy about 95% of the time. And you’ve never really seen me really depressed. Trust me, you’ll know when you see it. I think committing suicide is for cowards, and that living is the greatest punishment.”

At this point, he sort of turns away from me and looks at the smoke that’s trailing through the air in the bright stadium light. I couldn’t tell if he was thinking about what I’d said, or if he just didn’t feel like talking about it. Then he told me to look at the moon, and we both just sat there staring at it.

I didn’t tell him this, but I was giving him a load of crap. The honest truth is, I’m usually more sad than happy. Or, as I’ve said before, maybe not sad, but thoughtful, almost to the point of mental instability, because I can see the pathetic state our society is in, and the horrible place I’ll be soon. Or because I can see things other people can see. I’m particularly good with seeing the bad intention in people, and I have no trouble telling when someone’s being fake, or lying, or when they’re secretly judging me. If I had to put it to a percentage, I’d say I’m truly happy about 10% of the time; but I’m good at covering it up so most people can’t tell. And as I wrote in my diary, I haven’t been honestly, a long-term sort of happy in about more than a year now. Maybe the temporary kind of happy, the kind that lasts like an hour, or just pure content, but I’ve really had nothing to be happy about in a while. And I guess that’s just setting me up for something good. Because the sun always looks brighter after a long night. Right? I didn’t tell Tadpole that I think about suicide a lot, but mostly about what would happen, because I contemplate the possibilities too much. About how certain people would react, how it’d be a big deal, for a moment, before people would move on. Because I doubt there’s someone who cares about me so much that they would be hung up about my death their whole life.

Even if you really love someone, eventually you’ll get over it.

I think we underestimate the potential in people’s ability to deal with grief.

And even so, I could tell Tadpole really doesn’t get me. Maybe not yet. Maybe I should just give him more time, because he’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a while and I’d hate to lose another person just because they don’t understand how I work. Which is a pretty challenging feat all on it’s own. But even so, sometimes Tadpole just makes me feel like crap, which isn’t good. I bet he doesn’t even mean it, but like I said, I don’t really think he understands how sensitive I am. Most people don’t, because I act all tough like I can handle anything, and I pretend not to ever let anything get to me.

And it’s funny, the difference between the person I pretend to be and the person I actually am. I always play myself up to be this head-strong, stubborn, nothing-gets-to-her sort of girl, who doesn’t give a crap about anything, who’s spontaneous and fun loving and is always happy and smiling, who’s comical and loud and makes other people laugh.

When really, I think I worry too much, and I over-analyze people’s intentions. Every little word, every little touch, it all means something to me. I’ve got a good perception about what people think about other people; which is fun to play around with, but scary at the same time, because I can tell when people hate me and are still acting like my friend. In actuality, I care a great deal about what other people think about me, and I need a lot of stability from my friends since I don’t have much at home. I don’t trust anyone enough to tell them what I’m thinking, so if people really want to get in my head, they should realize the kind of stories I write are a pretty good look into my head. After all, everything I write comes directly from my fears, and desires, and just my life experiences in general. But no one cares enough about me to look into these sort of these things, because I think if they delved deeper into my persona, they’d be a little startled, and a little surprised by the person they would find.

Which is funny, I wonder how many people out there are like me, when they’re really dieing inside, but they’re afraid of what people think of them, so they pretend to be someone else. It’s subconscious for me. And it gives literal meaning to the term “second nature”. I bet there’s not a whole lot of people like that, or, at least not to the extremity I believe I possess. But I’m sure they’re out there.

It’s strange.

Tadpole’s pretty quiet about these sort of things, I wonder if he’s as simple as he plays himself up to be. I can tell he thinks about things though, because I’ve seen him in a philosophical state once or twice before, and I can tell he’s pretty smart, even though he usually denies it.

What if I’m the one who should be worrying about him?

And then two more people come to my mind.

My friend, whom I walk home with everyday, is generally very thoughtful, and I can tell he’s a genius, really, he is. Sometimes he’ll let me in on his small, yet very large, life theories, and they always fascinate me. And he likes being alone, and I wonder, what is he thinking?

Is he sad too?

There’s also my friend who I always think is so happy. But I pay attention to the things she says. I pay very careful attention to her dreams, and thoughts and the way she acts, and I fear there is something deeper to her that she hasn’t let anyone in on yet.

But, I can see it in her.

Like I’ve said, I’m very good at these sort of things.

And I wonder,

Is anyone thinking the same thing about me?

Guessing that, perhaps, there is something deeper to me too? I’m curious if Tadpole wonders these sort of things. He was very close Friday, but he backed away right before he broke through.

Does he know better?

Or not know enough to know better yet?

Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

If I gave up everything,

That makes people upset,

That hurts them,

Would I still be lonely?

Still in exile?

Disliked?

What would life be like if I wasn’t hear?

If I found a way to

Disappear?

Would someone be hurt?

Would some cry for me?

Would someone ask where I was?

Lost at sea?

Or drowning in insufficiency?

The sun would rise,

The moon would fade.

All but I would be the same.

Tired, lonely, confused.

Wandering.

Aimlessly.

Yet unwavering.

Waiting for the weather to change.

Hoping for a sip of water,

Through the rain which never ends…

Asleep forever in existence,

But too awake to give way…

I am caught somewhere between,

Like a tide which cannot change.

Going one way,

But wishing another.

The path I walk.

The one I choose to walk.

Alone.

Am I even going in the right direction?

Am I even moving at all?

And I walk just to say I’m walking.

I breathe just to say I’m breathing.

Is this the proper way to live your life?

In fear

that

Something

will change?

And I look ahead.

Down the path which I take,

Where the scenery never changes.

Unseen,

Cold

Fragile

But

Unwavering.

And it seems I am far behind everyone else.

Walking their path.

Briskly.

To be finished with it.

Complete.

I say I walk slowly because I want to enjoy life,

Because I would like not to miss a thing.

But secretly, I am just afraid.

Afraid of what is farther down the road I walk.

Where I cannot see the end.

The others are miles ahead by now.

And I stop, to smell a rose.

To appreciate a blade of grass.

To dream of the sun.

To watch the sky.

To hold the moon in my hands.

And I cannot decide if this is because I’m brave,

Or undeniably cowardly.

What am I afraid of?

What can possibly be down this road,

That I have not seen already?

This,

I fear

I do not know.

And that’s what keeps me going.

The curiosity keeps me walking.

All but that tells me to stop moving.

To lie beneath a tree,

To fall asleep.

To stay in my soft niche of grass and sky.

To never be afraid again.

And I look down the path, that everyone else has finished now.

And I wonder which outweighs which?

My stubborn nature.

The pride that wants to know all.

Or.

The scared little girl.

Who does not

Want to grow up…

I feel pretty dissapointed in myself tonight. And I hate myself for complaining about it, but I need to write it down somewhere before I forget what I’m feeling. That boy I talked about in below post? We’ve been talking a bit on AIM, but mostly awkward one-liners like Hey, How are you? Or something along those lines. And I was thinking, wow, he’s really trying hard, maybe soemthing good will work out for me?

But evident by his blog (hmm) it’s not like that. I don’t want to go into it. It’s nothing that cut my heart open and tore out my soul nothing as dramatic. Besides, I’ve never even met this kid.

But it got me thinking, maybe too much. I sort of hate it when I get my hopes up like this. And I was thinking about all the times I’ve been let down by people whom I figured to be important. Everyone’s let me down at least once, sometimes unintentionally, and other times completely on purpose. Why do I even trust people anymore? There’s obviously no point in it.

And somehow he stumbled upon my last blog post, thanks a lot Deven. And I really hope he won’t end up reading this one. This is my quiet place. The only quiet place, the only sanctuary I can find in this crazy, not-so-real world.

And I hate that I got so excited for yet another thing that did not work out for me.

And for some reason he still wants to hang out with me. I hope he’s not sympathizing for me. Right now, I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s like when everyone’s looking you up and down like they know something. And you don’t even know what it is? I want to forget about him, bury it. I can’t even be myself around him because I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous? For what? There’s  nothing to be nervous for. I’m just like him in that way. We’re both human beings. We both tell our mom and dad good night and roll around in bed a while before falling asleep. Dreaming maybe? It seems impossible, but we’re all connected in that way.

We’re all alike.

But we’re all different.

I just really hate that I thought, even after I was so blatantly ignored by Pumpkin I could find someone special in a day?

Sure.

Because that always happens for me.

I was being fesecious if you couldn’t tell.

I don’t want to talk anymore, because I’m getting more and more mad as I write and I don’t want to boil over.

Boil over,

I haven’t done that in a while. But I’m so mad at myself right now. So dissappointed that I could be so stupid.

And I hate it even more that I’m complaining! I want to be the one who I pretend to be. Who’s always happy, and makes people smile. Because isn’t that my purpose? To make people happy? I’m less sure every day. I seem to be doing it a lot less lately. I seem to just give them more problems.

And maybe that’s why I don’t believe in anything anymore?

Because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again?

My stupid ego. I hate it sometimes.

I want to start over so badly. Move somewhere and change my name where no one knows me and I can be someone new? How nice that would be. And I don’t even mind calling myself a coward. Because I’m running away, I tend to do that when my problems become to intricate to figure out. Run away from the problem. Forget about it. Bury it.

And I’m slowly graduating to boiling point. So I need to leave and take a breather before I do something dumb.

Well, I might not be blogging as much, because I’m starting a new music blog (a side project that ight be taking over?) I would be honoured if you would go check it out at http://blog.mymelody.com/chloesprofile

Anyways, my current life status. Well, this weekend, I sort of want to crawl under a rock. I did something sort of, well not mean, I didn’t think anything of it, but I said something that might have hurt someone? Someone I’ve known for sooo long. But I felt so horrible, so I had to apologize immediately. Of course she accepted and even suggested we hang out sometime.

And it made me feel worse. I really wasn’t punished enough. I got off easy. I mean, I hope I learned some sort of lesson from this… but did I really? Will I remember this the next time I go to open my occasional huggge mouth. What if she’s still harboring dark feelings but didn’t wan’t to create drama? (kudos to her then) I guess I’ll talk to her again. I don’t want to fricking harass her, and I feel bad that I’m only doing this for my own well-being. But I guess having a conscious is good? I just wish I could replace that with extreme compassion…

I’m slowly recovering from the Pumpkin trap, and there’s even someone new.

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous.

But he requested me as a friend, and I’ve ever actually met him before (I think he’s in high school?) I know he’s not a pedophile or anything because he’s on bunches of my friends tops, and a lot of people say they see him every friday at [local teen hangout]. But he’s like, a genious. I thought Pumpkin was smart? This guy is like a million cagillion times smarter. He was talking about fate and the time space continuom. He has a substantiol vocabulary, he wants to be an actor and he’s on the debate team? He’s absolutely hilarious! And he’s never had a girlfriend? Suprising because he’s also very cutte. I just wish he went to our school, or that I could meet him. ;-; why do i always start to like guys I can’t have? Well, maybe I don’t like him, but I sure wouldnot mind spending some time with him. Here, here, it’s impossible to explain. read his profile::

My Name is ____
I like Strawberry Milkshakes. Thats one thing you have to know about me. In addition to that, Im an actor, which means I act. Deep down, people agree that Im a very philosophical person who beleives in a universal combination of fate and instinct naturally balancing themselves out so that everyones life essentially becomes perfect as long as they dont intentionally mess it up in hatred towards themselves. People seem to enjoy it when I give them that speech in full. Yeah, I’m on the debate team. I’m also weird, I draw cows, and play around with things I find on the ground, EG: String, Nails, Garden Tools that I name Carlito, or the Space Time Continuum. I’m dangerously ticklish, I’ll have you know, but try to not tickle me in somewhere thats supposed to be quiet. I’m pretty cool as being your friend goes. Just don’t be confusing. If you want anything from me, don’t give me annoying little hints, just tell me flat out. I like it when people speak their hearts to me. I also like secrets. Tell me them, I’ll give you advice. I’m getting better at not telling anyone. I’m pretty big on food, even though I’m incredibly skinny. I can eat nearly anything. Ice cream is a big plus. You cant go wrong with the Italian stuff though, y’know, Pizza and Pasta. I like that. Chineese food has MSG’s in it which are yucky and give you bad dreams. Fast food is made of feces no matter how much anyone denies it (cept taco bell and arbys. They’re safe). I also make videos. I work at a camp, and also enjoy doing it on my freetime with my friends (look below). Drugs and Sex arent good. Neither is masturbation. Thats not cool either. If you’re not straight Im also cool with it, just know that I am. On that note, if you’re a girl, Personality over looks, and dont be a lifeless looser who doesnt do anything fun. If you’re a girl and you want to “get with me” and all that Jazz, just hit me up at Cobb, every Friday, I’m sure to be there. Call me as well, **********. Also, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never made out with a girl before. Keep that in mind. I’m not experienced, so dont come to me looking for someone to sweep you away on a magical sexual adventure. I’ll try to if you want, but probably fail. I text, but perfer phone conversations. I get free minutes after 7, but dont have unlimited texts, thats probably why. So call after seven, text before seven, got it? Public television messes with the mind, and makes you think inside the box. Thats where that phrase came from. In “Think outside the box”, Box is referring to TV. I choose to do just that. Oh, and Im huge on baggy clothes. Long sleeves, jeans and cargo pants, long socks, jackets, etc. I like my tan line to be even. And they’re cozy. My main goal in life is to make other people happy. I live to see that someones life is essentially perfect for any time being, especially if you’re my friend. I will do anything to make you happy, whoever you are (except kill myself, because I know some smart ass reading this is totally going to say that). I debate, I act, I eat, I flirt, Im nice, smart, talented, extremely-fun, semi-funny… Everyone who truly knows me tell me that my only flaw is I know nothing about the way the world works outside of my little bubble… My idea of life is nobody kills eachother for fun, war is stupid, and drumsticks are the leg of the chicken, not the arm. Apparantly I’m wrong, but nobody has any proof, so I keep thinking that.
So basically, My mind is a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and taste and smell. Hearing and sight keep hitting and chipping with sharp fatal tools on my brain… Nevertheless I feel that cleverly I am being altered and I slightly am becoming something a little different, in fact
MYSELFYeah… Thats me in a nutshell

Wow, omigod, I get chills reading it. He’s just so fricking intelligent. XD haha, maybe I have lost my mind. I don’t know this kid, maybe he’s a total jackass. But don’t ruin it for me. I’d like to think there’s someone perfect out there. ^o^

But yeahhh, this got away from me, basically… GO READ MY NEW SIDEPROJECT, If you like music, I’m sure you’ll find it at least a little interesting, ;D