I’m in love with to-day. It was my mom’s birthday, and my grandparents, Toni (our neighbor), and Hunter and Danny came over. Danny just got his permit so he was acting like a total bad ass as he pulled into my driveway around 1:30. I introduced them to my family and we went in and out of my room. Man, we, as friends, hit all the bases. We laughed a lot, we joked around; but we also got serious; we got emotional; Hunter started crying at one point. I could go into perfect de-tail of the six or so hours we spent to-gether, but I don’t think it’d read like much. We learned a lot about each other and I’m be-ginning to consider Hunter one of my best friends. When Danny was in my closet trying on a pair of pants he gave me back in grade 7, Hunter and I had a very serious talk. I didn’t really expect it, but he brought it up, like it’d been bothering him for a while. He asked me about one day about a week ago when I felt really sick, and my body wouldn’t stop shaking. I finally told him what had gone down, and he was totally serious with me about it, more than any of my other friends and expressed his concern. His exact words were: “You seriously had the shit scared out of me. I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” It’s kind of funny, be-cause he comes across as this sarcastic, smart-aleck kind-of kid, but when you get to know him, he’s like this super sensitive, emotional, compassionate guy. It was really cool getting the opportunity to hang out with him. And, as usual, it was amazing to see Danny who I love to pieces. :]

I think I might even go to Caroline’s house to-morrow to hang with her and Scruggs. My social life seems to be taking a very favourable turn; my parents are letting me do a lot more. I think I might make plans to hang out with Danny, Hunter and Emily (Hunter’s girlfriend) next Friday. I really want to meet Emily be-cause I think it’d be really cool if the four of us could hang out all of the time, and from what Hunter tells me, she’s a great girl!

Overall, to-day was just really nice, and I could use more days like this one.

I find myself caring less and less the more days that go by. It’s a sad turn of events, but in all honesty, one I be-lieve that had to occur. But, hey, I’ve come to realize lately, the people I thought would’ve left me long ago haven’t, and the ones I thought would be with me until the end aren’t… Goes to show how crappy my intuition is. However, my mind, unfortunately still wanders to that dark place in my brain sectioned off as “CROW” (yeah, he’s got his own fricking de-partment now, what do ya know?!). I was never good at that “getting over it and moving on” thing, but I think I’m making substantial progress. No, that’s a lie, I still can’t forget about him, but I just don’t express the feelings of regret and guilt I feel as openly. Hurrah for all the introverts out there.

In the friends aspect of life, things actually aren’t bad. I’ve still got Katy, which is a blessing. I don’t even care if she’s enthralled in her own life all of the time; as long as she takes me along for the ride (and hopefully lets me ride shotgun) it’s all good. Unfortunately, things could be better be-tween me and Danny / Butter (yeah, yeah, I said it). We were really close over the summer but now I feel like I’m sort of losing the bond I once had with him… Things are fantastic with Brie and I actually, which is both surprising and re-freshing. It seems like the only friend-esque moments I have with her are when we’re both crying our eyes out, but lately we’ve been having a great time, laughing a lot and sharing a lot of sweet moments. Things are just as they always are with Spencer, and, God, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I love the relationship I have with him. Justin’s been helping me sort through some stuff lately which I also appreciate. So, well, if this whole Crow thing has taught me anything (be-sides not being so giving with my heart in the future), it’s which of my friends I can trust and rely on. In addition to the Power Five, I’ve been spending a lot more time lately with Caroline which is so great be-cause we always get along and she’s a great listener. And, well, the best and worst part of all of this is Lauren… I’ve really missed having her in my life, and it didn’t really seem like she wanted me in it either most of last year. But now, she’s putting an effort into it, which isn’t expected of her. But, I like it. She’s like my sister after all, and we can always find common ground. Sometimes it’s kind of nice to be with someone who knows everything about you without having to have anything explained to them. I really want to make our friendship work this time (again; I know I’ve said that be-fore) but this whole Crow thing has me walking on egg shells. I thought him and I were going somewhere, and we were, just, ya know, turns out it was a dead end. I really don’t want to go through it again. I can’t re-member ever hurting about something this badly for so long.

And you know what they say:

“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

The only way to describe how I’m feeling right now is scared. No other word fits or feels comfortable and correct there. I’m scared for my family, I’m scared for my friends, for a change, I’m even scared for myself. My mind keeps going to that dark place I try and keep it away from, and I can’t stop myself from worrying. I feel anxious and apprehensive about everything. My fucking hands won’t stop shaking.

I keep trying to get my mind off of everything. Usually going to work is enough to do that for me. I’ve been at St. John’s for almost a year now and I really love it there. To-day, I threw myself into my work, turned off my phone and went at it, full boar, crying a lot of the time. But it didn’t work. I couldn’t get any of it off my brain.

First of all, things with Crow are just getting worse and worse. Not only did I find out he had Mercer Disease (http://mercerdisease.org/) (not a big deal for me, but it’s still something I feel like I kind of should’ve known about especially since he’s had it for a few months now) , I also am be-ginning to think he likes one of my best friends, Lauren. Justin and I were talking about it, and I actually started tearing up. I don’t cry in front of people. Ever. I held it back, but he felt bad and didn’t know what to say. Like, this thing with Crow has gone on too long. I want to get over it and move on, but I feel like I can’t leave something this perfect, just, well, sitting here. It’s like leaving half way through a really good movie. You just can’t do it without looking back over your shoulder at least once.

And things with my best friend, Butter, and I are not good. He wants to get back to-gether with this dead end girl who totally broke his heart. We’ve been fighting a lot lately. I’m not telling him what to do, only listing the pros and cons (but mostly the cons) about being with her, but he doesn’t seem to care. Did I mention she hates me? Yeah. It’s like he’s just willing to throw away our friendship. Not cool man.

I’m sure I could have put this more eloquently, but I’m feeling so anxious and jittery now I can barely formulate correct words. I literally typed this in like five minutes, all the thoughts are racing through my head at an otherworldly pace and I can feel my breath speeding up with it.

Goddammit, I shouldn’t be scared, about any of this, or nervous or whatever but I can’t help it. I’m fucking terrified of where this is all headed.

God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

I guess be-fore I can rant about all the crap going on now, I’ll have to catch you up. >-< Using past blog posts as a reference, I’ll just write and reply to all the things that were important to me.

Okay, I’ll start with Tadpole. Well, I continued to crush on him for most of the grade 8 year. And just as I was starting to get over him, he asked me out on April 30^th on a school trip. Things be-gan awkward around us, but we got better at the whole “going-out” thing. There were a lot of question marks for me around how much he actually cared about me. Actually, those “wtf’s” floating around are still in the near-most atmosphere. So now, I am planning to break up with him. Mostly be-cause over the summer I’ve changed a lot, and he hasn’t. I’ve be-come a lot more independent, and, if possible, even a little more self-kept. Right now I don’t feel like having anything serious in my life. I just want to spend lots of time with my friends, and hook up with some hot guys. If in the process I find someone I totally connect with (which I’m starting to doubt since I am outrageously picky) hell fricking yes, I’m game. But like I said, I’m thinking that’s not coming for a while. Which I’m perfectly okay with. :]

I guess I’ll then move on to the friends in my life right now. Okay. Bam. You got Katy, Brie, Java, Butter (re-member him?!?! :D) and Spencer. Katy’s my go-to girl, we hang out all of the time and recently just took a suave vacation to-gether with her parents, brother and cousin. :] Additionally, there’s Brie. We just be-came close this year, but she’s like my baby and I love her just oh so much. ^-^ Then there’s Java (a clever nickname if you couldn’t gather that) and uh, I don’t even want to go into that yet. Then there’s my baby boy Butter who I just be-came close with again after he broke up with his long-time girlfriend. :] And, OF COURSE, my favourite! Spencer! My shy, sarcastic little friend who makes my world go round and my heart go bu-bump. :]

Pumpkin…ah… don’t get me started. I want to shoot myself for still thinking about him on a daily basis. I honestly don’t have romantic feelings towards him anymore, be-cause I know it’s completely pointless, especially since we’re not even friends anymore and I barely see him at all these days. I think it’s just that feeling I had with him. Like that: “I could be with you forever” feeling. And I keep comparing every vibe I get from every guy to that one. And none even come close! But, hey, I’m lucky enough to know what I’m looking for. 

Okay, story time over. It’s now time to talk about the here and now. God, uh. Where to start. >-< Okay, so, I volunteer at this summer camp that I used to go as a wee little one. It’s so amazing, like a time machine. I get to be outside in the blazing heat all day wrestling, and running around, and, well, just being a little kid. I would love it so much more if I didn’t have to deal with a certain someone there. You guessed it Java. Sure, he’s a great friend, but he has made my summer SO stressful. Well, alright, so, he likes me, has since the first day we met (apparently, that seems like total bull shit to me though). And he’s not intimidated to say it. Everyday. It stresses me out, be-cause he’s not the kind of guy I’m looking for. And, well, I’m always just at a loss of words at what to say to him. Be-cause if I totally rip his heart apart, I lose one of the closest people to me. But, in all honesty, I doubt he hangs out with me just to be a great guy and help me out with all my issues. It’s be-cause he wants to hook up. It’s totally obvious. It really is. And that really hurts, be-cause it seems like that’s what all my friends want as of lately. One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago that’s he’s been “in love” with me for the past two years. About a week ago, the only one of my guy friends I thought would NEVER be like that with me, told me he’d love to hook up after I break up with my boyfriend. And, well, it’s SO frustrating! Like, I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have an amazing personality. I’m nothing special at all. Which makes it even worse be-cause I’m sure they’re figuring that I’ll be easy, or something like that. And the ones that don’t want to get with me, try and get to me hook them up with one of my few girl friends.

It’s actually really depressing me lately. Be-cause it seems like no one in my life currently cares about me all that much. And I know that’s a common theme of this angsty little blog, but right now it’s really hitting me.

I’m kind of glad I have Butter back in my life now. But even he, I doubt I can actually trust him with important things.  He’s probably going to be-come one of those friends I can have fun with but not expect a real, deep, spiritual connection with. I help him with all of his problems and whatnot, but I don’t bother him with any I’m having. But he might be coming over to hang Thursday, so we’ll see what happens then. We’ve been texting a lot lately, and he says things like: “Chloe’, you’re like my best friend now, and I love hanging out with you and stuff more than any other girl. And what we have is really special and I’d do stuff with you I wouldn’t do with other girls” and blahblahblah. I’ve been hearing it so much lately it sounds like a load of crap. A big, steaming load of CRAP. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Butter right now… Like whether he’s trying to be a good friend, or just trying to use me for /something/ (it seems like everyone is). But we’ll see. I think the answer will be-come totally clear in time.

That seems like about it. I’ll try and blog a little more, like at least once a week or every other week. <:]

And, wow, okay, we’ll just see how this all turns out.

Today was an absolutely beautiful day.

I had to wake up early this morning to go have breakfast with my grandparents. Boy, my grandparents are really amazing people. My grandpa has this magical look to him, like any second he’ll ask you what you want for your first wish. He’s a magnificent story teller, the way he talks; it makes the words come to life. I could listen to him tell me stories all day. He’s somewhat quiet, and he looks like a strange character to the outsider. I’m sure, you know, with his white hair and his tan skin and those blue-silver eyes, like my dad’s.

My grandmother is so much the opposite. She wears this beautiful jewelry and extravagant sweaters and this bright pink lipstick that just yells at you: “never forget me”. She is one of the sweetest women you will ever meet. She can be undeniably pushy, but it’s what is so charming about her. She’ll whisper to the waitress to bring my grandpa extra grape jelly because he really loves it, but he won’t ask for it (like I said, he’s quiet, and he just wants to please everyone). She’s also super-friendly, even to people she’s just met. For instance, when we were in the small store connected to the restaurant, she led us to this hand lotion display and before I could even say anything, she had grabbed my hand and squirted some in telling me how wonderful it was and how good it smelled. When the manager walked by, she summoned her to her side and without even asking put some into the manager’s hand and started telling /her/ how great it was. She offered some to the stock boy (“Marcus” she called him by his name tag, acting like she’d known him for years) but he politely declined. And you’d think no one could get away with that right? Wrong. Once you see my grandmother’s smile, it will just about melt your heart and you just want to ask for more hand lotion even though you really don’t want any. And that’s what’s so funny about her; she’s slightly irritating sometimes, but it is absolutely impossible to be upset with her, because she is just so sweet and she wants to help everyone. Some people say I’m a lot like my grandmother. I don’t know about that, especially since she can be a total neat freak; and me, well, I prefer an organized mess to a pine-fresh bedroom any day.

Overall, breakfast was totally pleasant. Before we went home, me and my mother went to this quaint little fruit stand in the middle of no where. They have the best darn Orange Juice in all of
Florida, and boy do I really love OJ. That’s one of the things I really admire about my mother. She knows about all these little places the average never knew existed.

Once we got home, my dad took my out to do some chores. First we went to the gas station and I just exclaimed pretty randomly “I really could go for some ice cream!” And he, being this amazingly go-with-the-flow dad replied: “well, you got paid yesterday, go get some!”

As I’ve said, I really love orange juice so I was sort of looking for an orange popsicle, the closest they had was pineapple so I got that. I smiled at the man working behind the counter and bid him a fair morning. He smiled back and told me to enjoy my ice cream. It really tasted like crap, but it was somewhat refreshing so I held onto it until me and my dad got to the Blockbuster. There was nothing of interest there so we went right to the bookstore. Apparently my dad found nothing there either so we went straight to the library.

I ended up checking out six books. Two were about Louie Armstrong for my history report.  Two were about the best careers for colleges (I think it’s ridiculous that after 8-10 years of college the entrance level salary for a marine biologist is only 49,000!) And the final was a book called “Triumph over Shyness”. Now, don’t get the wrong idea, I am probably the least-inhibited person you will ever meet. I mean, I’m not arrogant or anything, and I get social butterflies just as much as the next person but I still like to think of myself as a pretty friendly person. I mostly got it because I become interested in really random things sometimes (usually having to do with psychology). Also, though, because I have a friend, Spencer, who is really cool, but freakishly shy! To the point where I can barely have a conversation with him in public. He’s gotten a lot better since I first met him last year, and I can tell he’s really trying, but I’d really love to help him out a bit! (The book mostly says things like Smile, Remember Names, Use Small Talk, Give Compliments; that kind of stuff)

My dad got his book on the physics of superheroes (hehe!) and we left.

We went to this whacky Tex-Mex place for lunch where I got a vegetarian burrito and analyzed over my several job options (as my dad says, never too early to start looking!) I took the
Holland test, for the second time in my life. My artistic score was still the highest, followed by my investigative (ability to solve problems and come up with unique solutions) score and then my social (dealing with people) score. Close behind that was my realistic (ability to work with your hands and solve everyday problems) score. Close to none were my enterprising (business and CEO crap) and conventional (secretary-ish stuff) scores. There are lots of jobs I’m interested in, mostly, though I’ve still pretty much got my heart set on Marine Biology (since Kindergarten, ;D). On the back burner, however, is theever-persistant
High School Literature Teacher / Creative writer, and a new something, Optometry. I doubt I’d ever go through with being an eye doctor, but it caught my interest, which is pretty hard to do.

I would’ve liked to stay longer and read through all of my new books, especially since the weather was a perfect 79 degrees, but my dad was in a hurry.

From there, we ran from place to place, pretty boring so I won’t make you sit through it.

And I doubt this day comes across as a great day, but it really was one of my best days in a while… Shows how low my standards are.

My mother got me upset sometime in mid-afternoon, but it’s not like that isn’t an everyday occurrence. She was having a good day too, apparently, because she only hurt my feelings once and, whoa, I think it actually may have been unintentional.

Plus, I get to go fishing with my grandpa and dad next Sunday! I never get to spend time with my dad since he works so much, and like I said, my grandpa is absolutely wonderful. I haven’t been fishing in so long!

And I love the ocean. God, it takes me breath every time. I hope I can jump into the water when we’re in the middle of the ocean. I doubt my dad will let me, but, boy would I enjoy that.

When I have a family, I’m going to buy a boat and take them fishing at least once a month.

And I’ll let them jump into the water if they want to.

Sorry I’ve been gone. I got my laptop taken away, but I’m back now (at least for the moment).

Well, I spent Friday night with Tadpole at a football game.

He’s like a super ninja (brown belt in Tae Kwan Do or something) so I kept wanting to test his capabilities, or mine, a little of both. So I kept insisting he do some awesome little ninja move on me, but he refused, saying it was “against his morals” or whatever. So I harassed him all night. Sometimes he’d give in and just do something dumb, that hurt for a second (like cracking my wrist, or finger or shoulder) and I just wanted to see how much I could take, but I could tell he wasn’t trying very hard which just got me more and more pissed.

And he just kept asking me if I was one of those creepy people that liked pain. And I told him I wasn’t, and tried to explain it. That I just like to push myself to the limits to see how strong I am or how much I can take.

But he didn’t get it.

And then he asked me if I was depressed and about suicide and all that kinda stuff and if he should be worried about me. It was weird, because not a whole lot of people worry about me, and it was kind of weird that he saw through me a little. And it was a little scary, because, a part of me could tell he knew. But then most of me is like, well if he knew how fragile I was, he wouldn’t be so insensitive, unless he just doesn’t care at all, because that could be a possibility.

And I put it briefly: “I’m happy about 95% of the time. And you’ve never really seen me really depressed. Trust me, you’ll know when you see it. I think committing suicide is for cowards, and that living is the greatest punishment.”

At this point, he sort of turns away from me and looks at the smoke that’s trailing through the air in the bright stadium light. I couldn’t tell if he was thinking about what I’d said, or if he just didn’t feel like talking about it. Then he told me to look at the moon, and we both just sat there staring at it.

I didn’t tell him this, but I was giving him a load of crap. The honest truth is, I’m usually more sad than happy. Or, as I’ve said before, maybe not sad, but thoughtful, almost to the point of mental instability, because I can see the pathetic state our society is in, and the horrible place I’ll be soon. Or because I can see things other people can see. I’m particularly good with seeing the bad intention in people, and I have no trouble telling when someone’s being fake, or lying, or when they’re secretly judging me. If I had to put it to a percentage, I’d say I’m truly happy about 10% of the time; but I’m good at covering it up so most people can’t tell. And as I wrote in my diary, I haven’t been honestly, a long-term sort of happy in about more than a year now. Maybe the temporary kind of happy, the kind that lasts like an hour, or just pure content, but I’ve really had nothing to be happy about in a while. And I guess that’s just setting me up for something good. Because the sun always looks brighter after a long night. Right? I didn’t tell Tadpole that I think about suicide a lot, but mostly about what would happen, because I contemplate the possibilities too much. About how certain people would react, how it’d be a big deal, for a moment, before people would move on. Because I doubt there’s someone who cares about me so much that they would be hung up about my death their whole life.

Even if you really love someone, eventually you’ll get over it.

I think we underestimate the potential in people’s ability to deal with grief.

And even so, I could tell Tadpole really doesn’t get me. Maybe not yet. Maybe I should just give him more time, because he’s the best thing that’s happened to me in a while and I’d hate to lose another person just because they don’t understand how I work. Which is a pretty challenging feat all on it’s own. But even so, sometimes Tadpole just makes me feel like crap, which isn’t good. I bet he doesn’t even mean it, but like I said, I don’t really think he understands how sensitive I am. Most people don’t, because I act all tough like I can handle anything, and I pretend not to ever let anything get to me.

And it’s funny, the difference between the person I pretend to be and the person I actually am. I always play myself up to be this head-strong, stubborn, nothing-gets-to-her sort of girl, who doesn’t give a crap about anything, who’s spontaneous and fun loving and is always happy and smiling, who’s comical and loud and makes other people laugh.

When really, I think I worry too much, and I over-analyze people’s intentions. Every little word, every little touch, it all means something to me. I’ve got a good perception about what people think about other people; which is fun to play around with, but scary at the same time, because I can tell when people hate me and are still acting like my friend. In actuality, I care a great deal about what other people think about me, and I need a lot of stability from my friends since I don’t have much at home. I don’t trust anyone enough to tell them what I’m thinking, so if people really want to get in my head, they should realize the kind of stories I write are a pretty good look into my head. After all, everything I write comes directly from my fears, and desires, and just my life experiences in general. But no one cares enough about me to look into these sort of these things, because I think if they delved deeper into my persona, they’d be a little startled, and a little surprised by the person they would find.

Which is funny, I wonder how many people out there are like me, when they’re really dieing inside, but they’re afraid of what people think of them, so they pretend to be someone else. It’s subconscious for me. And it gives literal meaning to the term “second nature”. I bet there’s not a whole lot of people like that, or, at least not to the extremity I believe I possess. But I’m sure they’re out there.

It’s strange.

Tadpole’s pretty quiet about these sort of things, I wonder if he’s as simple as he plays himself up to be. I can tell he thinks about things though, because I’ve seen him in a philosophical state once or twice before, and I can tell he’s pretty smart, even though he usually denies it.

What if I’m the one who should be worrying about him?

And then two more people come to my mind.

My friend, whom I walk home with everyday, is generally very thoughtful, and I can tell he’s a genius, really, he is. Sometimes he’ll let me in on his small, yet very large, life theories, and they always fascinate me. And he likes being alone, and I wonder, what is he thinking?

Is he sad too?

There’s also my friend who I always think is so happy. But I pay attention to the things she says. I pay very careful attention to her dreams, and thoughts and the way she acts, and I fear there is something deeper to her that she hasn’t let anyone in on yet.

But, I can see it in her.

Like I’ve said, I’m very good at these sort of things.

And I wonder,

Is anyone thinking the same thing about me?

Guessing that, perhaps, there is something deeper to me too? I’m curious if Tadpole wonders these sort of things. He was very close Friday, but he backed away right before he broke through.

Does he know better?

Or not know enough to know better yet?

I feel pretty dissapointed in myself tonight. And I hate myself for complaining about it, but I need to write it down somewhere before I forget what I’m feeling. That boy I talked about in below post? We’ve been talking a bit on AIM, but mostly awkward one-liners like Hey, How are you? Or something along those lines. And I was thinking, wow, he’s really trying hard, maybe soemthing good will work out for me?

But evident by his blog (hmm) it’s not like that. I don’t want to go into it. It’s nothing that cut my heart open and tore out my soul nothing as dramatic. Besides, I’ve never even met this kid.

But it got me thinking, maybe too much. I sort of hate it when I get my hopes up like this. And I was thinking about all the times I’ve been let down by people whom I figured to be important. Everyone’s let me down at least once, sometimes unintentionally, and other times completely on purpose. Why do I even trust people anymore? There’s obviously no point in it.

And somehow he stumbled upon my last blog post, thanks a lot Deven. And I really hope he won’t end up reading this one. This is my quiet place. The only quiet place, the only sanctuary I can find in this crazy, not-so-real world.

And I hate that I got so excited for yet another thing that did not work out for me.

And for some reason he still wants to hang out with me. I hope he’s not sympathizing for me. Right now, I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s like when everyone’s looking you up and down like they know something. And you don’t even know what it is? I want to forget about him, bury it. I can’t even be myself around him because I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous? For what? There’s  nothing to be nervous for. I’m just like him in that way. We’re both human beings. We both tell our mom and dad good night and roll around in bed a while before falling asleep. Dreaming maybe? It seems impossible, but we’re all connected in that way.

We’re all alike.

But we’re all different.

I just really hate that I thought, even after I was so blatantly ignored by Pumpkin I could find someone special in a day?

Sure.

Because that always happens for me.

I was being fesecious if you couldn’t tell.

I don’t want to talk anymore, because I’m getting more and more mad as I write and I don’t want to boil over.

Boil over,

I haven’t done that in a while. But I’m so mad at myself right now. So dissappointed that I could be so stupid.

And I hate it even more that I’m complaining! I want to be the one who I pretend to be. Who’s always happy, and makes people smile. Because isn’t that my purpose? To make people happy? I’m less sure every day. I seem to be doing it a lot less lately. I seem to just give them more problems.

And maybe that’s why I don’t believe in anything anymore?

Because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again?

My stupid ego. I hate it sometimes.

I want to start over so badly. Move somewhere and change my name where no one knows me and I can be someone new? How nice that would be. And I don’t even mind calling myself a coward. Because I’m running away, I tend to do that when my problems become to intricate to figure out. Run away from the problem. Forget about it. Bury it.

And I’m slowly graduating to boiling point. So I need to leave and take a breather before I do something dumb.

Well, I might not be blogging as much, because I’m starting a new music blog (a side project that ight be taking over?) I would be honoured if you would go check it out at http://blog.mymelody.com/chloesprofile

Anyways, my current life status. Well, this weekend, I sort of want to crawl under a rock. I did something sort of, well not mean, I didn’t think anything of it, but I said something that might have hurt someone? Someone I’ve known for sooo long. But I felt so horrible, so I had to apologize immediately. Of course she accepted and even suggested we hang out sometime.

And it made me feel worse. I really wasn’t punished enough. I got off easy. I mean, I hope I learned some sort of lesson from this… but did I really? Will I remember this the next time I go to open my occasional huggge mouth. What if she’s still harboring dark feelings but didn’t wan’t to create drama? (kudos to her then) I guess I’ll talk to her again. I don’t want to fricking harass her, and I feel bad that I’m only doing this for my own well-being. But I guess having a conscious is good? I just wish I could replace that with extreme compassion…

I’m slowly recovering from the Pumpkin trap, and there’s even someone new.

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous.

But he requested me as a friend, and I’ve ever actually met him before (I think he’s in high school?) I know he’s not a pedophile or anything because he’s on bunches of my friends tops, and a lot of people say they see him every friday at [local teen hangout]. But he’s like, a genious. I thought Pumpkin was smart? This guy is like a million cagillion times smarter. He was talking about fate and the time space continuom. He has a substantiol vocabulary, he wants to be an actor and he’s on the debate team? He’s absolutely hilarious! And he’s never had a girlfriend? Suprising because he’s also very cutte. I just wish he went to our school, or that I could meet him. ;-; why do i always start to like guys I can’t have? Well, maybe I don’t like him, but I sure wouldnot mind spending some time with him. Here, here, it’s impossible to explain. read his profile::

My Name is ____
I like Strawberry Milkshakes. Thats one thing you have to know about me. In addition to that, Im an actor, which means I act. Deep down, people agree that Im a very philosophical person who beleives in a universal combination of fate and instinct naturally balancing themselves out so that everyones life essentially becomes perfect as long as they dont intentionally mess it up in hatred towards themselves. People seem to enjoy it when I give them that speech in full. Yeah, I’m on the debate team. I’m also weird, I draw cows, and play around with things I find on the ground, EG: String, Nails, Garden Tools that I name Carlito, or the Space Time Continuum. I’m dangerously ticklish, I’ll have you know, but try to not tickle me in somewhere thats supposed to be quiet. I’m pretty cool as being your friend goes. Just don’t be confusing. If you want anything from me, don’t give me annoying little hints, just tell me flat out. I like it when people speak their hearts to me. I also like secrets. Tell me them, I’ll give you advice. I’m getting better at not telling anyone. I’m pretty big on food, even though I’m incredibly skinny. I can eat nearly anything. Ice cream is a big plus. You cant go wrong with the Italian stuff though, y’know, Pizza and Pasta. I like that. Chineese food has MSG’s in it which are yucky and give you bad dreams. Fast food is made of feces no matter how much anyone denies it (cept taco bell and arbys. They’re safe). I also make videos. I work at a camp, and also enjoy doing it on my freetime with my friends (look below). Drugs and Sex arent good. Neither is masturbation. Thats not cool either. If you’re not straight Im also cool with it, just know that I am. On that note, if you’re a girl, Personality over looks, and dont be a lifeless looser who doesnt do anything fun. If you’re a girl and you want to “get with me” and all that Jazz, just hit me up at Cobb, every Friday, I’m sure to be there. Call me as well, **********. Also, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never made out with a girl before. Keep that in mind. I’m not experienced, so dont come to me looking for someone to sweep you away on a magical sexual adventure. I’ll try to if you want, but probably fail. I text, but perfer phone conversations. I get free minutes after 7, but dont have unlimited texts, thats probably why. So call after seven, text before seven, got it? Public television messes with the mind, and makes you think inside the box. Thats where that phrase came from. In “Think outside the box”, Box is referring to TV. I choose to do just that. Oh, and Im huge on baggy clothes. Long sleeves, jeans and cargo pants, long socks, jackets, etc. I like my tan line to be even. And they’re cozy. My main goal in life is to make other people happy. I live to see that someones life is essentially perfect for any time being, especially if you’re my friend. I will do anything to make you happy, whoever you are (except kill myself, because I know some smart ass reading this is totally going to say that). I debate, I act, I eat, I flirt, Im nice, smart, talented, extremely-fun, semi-funny… Everyone who truly knows me tell me that my only flaw is I know nothing about the way the world works outside of my little bubble… My idea of life is nobody kills eachother for fun, war is stupid, and drumsticks are the leg of the chicken, not the arm. Apparantly I’m wrong, but nobody has any proof, so I keep thinking that.
So basically, My mind is a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and taste and smell. Hearing and sight keep hitting and chipping with sharp fatal tools on my brain… Nevertheless I feel that cleverly I am being altered and I slightly am becoming something a little different, in fact
MYSELFYeah… Thats me in a nutshell

Wow, omigod, I get chills reading it. He’s just so fricking intelligent. XD haha, maybe I have lost my mind. I don’t know this kid, maybe he’s a total jackass. But don’t ruin it for me. I’d like to think there’s someone perfect out there. ^o^

But yeahhh, this got away from me, basically… GO READ MY NEW SIDEPROJECT, If you like music, I’m sure you’ll find it at least a little interesting, ;D

Deven (my bestie) was so thrilled by this idea. haha. so, to please her, i thought i’d follow through. If you’ve got nothing better to do, read through these profiles and say which guys and girls you think belong together. :] To spare our romantic identities, I’ll give us the names of the FF12 characters ^o^

Ashe: girl: a little over the top sometimes. smart, creative, stubborn and hard-headed. She has two modes, off-the-wall hyper and down-in-the-dumps serenity. She’s a good secret keeper. She keeps mostly to herself, but will spread some wisdom now and then. She thinks a lot, and she’s a lot more depressed than she may appear. Maybe not depressed, but she thinks a lot, and about everything. She probably knows too much for her own good. She’s incredibly smart and super-duper creative and artistic.

Fran: girl: deeper than most people think she is. She looks likes a little softy and she’s generally quiet, but she thinks a lot. No one can ever really tell what she’s thinking, because she never even tells her bests what’s going on 100% of the time. Guys are generally worshipping the ground she walks on, because she’s super pretty and super approachable. She’s fairly aloof, but a lot of fun when she’s in the mood to be.

Penelo: girl: totally different than the light she gives off. She acts like a perfect, innocnent, charming, little angel, but there’s a trouble-maker under her cover. Her brain never stops contemplating the possibilities, and it seems like her mood is just a matter of the interval of cheerfulness. She’s perky without being annoying, sweet without being overbearing. She’s a perfect combination of all the right qualities. Guys generally go to her too because she has that “I’m  cute and nerdy at the same time” look to her.

Basch: guy: cer-azee. He’s always up for a fun time and will kill for a little adventure. He grew up in less than desirable conditions but is seemingly always in a good mood. He doesn’t judge and he’s nice to everyone. He’s completely and totally loveable. (not to mention attractive!)

Baltheir: guy: mysterious. It’s hard to put a word to him. He’s a little bit of everything. Smart, funny, creative, sweet, sarcastic. It helps that he is amazingly good-looking and stinking rich. I can’t put my finger on what but I feel there’s more to them. Like I said, I don’t know, maybe I’m just bsing, but I feel like there’s something he’s hiding. a little mystery never killed anyone ;D

Vann: guy: this guy is so amazing. He’s sweet and quiet, and very very chill. I’ve never heard his voice have any kind of emotion in it nd he generally remains pretty monotone. But he’s anything but boring. He surfs, he’s musical, he’s fun. Everyone likes him because he’s so darn charismatic.

 Alrighty folk. Match up the guys and girls you feel would make the most proficient couple. ;D thanks for taking part in my experiment! haha