Man, he just can’t re-sist playing head games with me. You know who I’m talking about. Crow; silly, silly, silly Crow. I was finally getting over it- closure; like, okay Chloe’, it’s really over. It didn’t hurt as much to see him in the halls, he wasn’t somehow raveled in every passing thought. I was smiling and flirting, with other guys.

Moving on.

But now he’s chosen to come back into my life. Quietly, without warning. One day we’re not even talking, taking all costs to avoid each other; and the next he’s hugging me and texting me nonstop and smiling at me in the halls. I wish I could say I’m not falling for him again, but that’d be a lie. I never even really got over it completely. … How could I?

Justin and I were in  the library studying when he said: “So, I talked to Crow…”. My heart skipped not just one but a million beats and I had to, once again, extract it from my throat. “Why?” I asked immediately. He then explained they had been hanging out (they’re in some club to-gether) and he asked him if he liked Lauren. Justin explained that he had said no to that one pretty quickly. Then he asked about me. I don’t know why he did exactly, maybe he just wants answers like I do. “Well, I’ll leave that up to you to de-cide.” That was his re-sponce. Crow’s dumb, stupid, can-be-interpreted-any-way response to whether or not he liked me. For me though, it’s a lot of hope.

It’s so funny looking back at all of the guys I’ve liked since grade 7. Well, the funny part is seeing where them and I stand nowadays. Some I haven’t even talked to in about a year, others have be-comes best friends. Unfortunately, none of them ever ended particularly well. Oh well, just another ten or so names to cross off my forever-love list… Ha-ha, what a joke. :] But anyways, this song is to them; all of them. All the dumb good-by’s I could never muster.

Fifteen Minutes Old – Snow PatrolI`m good for inspiration, aren`t I?
You will find
Well, close the door and I`ll go anywhere
You take me to from this bed onto so much more
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind
Touch me cause I can`t move
I can barely breathe,
speechless, breathless
I can`t tell you if I`m here or not
Running both legs tied together
Arms in the air
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind

The only salvation I found all day was in talking to Pumpkin…

That’s, just, so fucked up…

God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

I guess be-fore I can rant about all the crap going on now, I’ll have to catch you up. >-< Using past blog posts as a reference, I’ll just write and reply to all the things that were important to me.

Okay, I’ll start with Tadpole. Well, I continued to crush on him for most of the grade 8 year. And just as I was starting to get over him, he asked me out on April 30^th on a school trip. Things be-gan awkward around us, but we got better at the whole “going-out” thing. There were a lot of question marks for me around how much he actually cared about me. Actually, those “wtf’s” floating around are still in the near-most atmosphere. So now, I am planning to break up with him. Mostly be-cause over the summer I’ve changed a lot, and he hasn’t. I’ve be-come a lot more independent, and, if possible, even a little more self-kept. Right now I don’t feel like having anything serious in my life. I just want to spend lots of time with my friends, and hook up with some hot guys. If in the process I find someone I totally connect with (which I’m starting to doubt since I am outrageously picky) hell fricking yes, I’m game. But like I said, I’m thinking that’s not coming for a while. Which I’m perfectly okay with. :]

I guess I’ll then move on to the friends in my life right now. Okay. Bam. You got Katy, Brie, Java, Butter (re-member him?!?! :D) and Spencer. Katy’s my go-to girl, we hang out all of the time and recently just took a suave vacation to-gether with her parents, brother and cousin. :] Additionally, there’s Brie. We just be-came close this year, but she’s like my baby and I love her just oh so much. ^-^ Then there’s Java (a clever nickname if you couldn’t gather that) and uh, I don’t even want to go into that yet. Then there’s my baby boy Butter who I just be-came close with again after he broke up with his long-time girlfriend. :] And, OF COURSE, my favourite! Spencer! My shy, sarcastic little friend who makes my world go round and my heart go bu-bump. :]

Pumpkin…ah… don’t get me started. I want to shoot myself for still thinking about him on a daily basis. I honestly don’t have romantic feelings towards him anymore, be-cause I know it’s completely pointless, especially since we’re not even friends anymore and I barely see him at all these days. I think it’s just that feeling I had with him. Like that: “I could be with you forever” feeling. And I keep comparing every vibe I get from every guy to that one. And none even come close! But, hey, I’m lucky enough to know what I’m looking for. 

Okay, story time over. It’s now time to talk about the here and now. God, uh. Where to start. >-< Okay, so, I volunteer at this summer camp that I used to go as a wee little one. It’s so amazing, like a time machine. I get to be outside in the blazing heat all day wrestling, and running around, and, well, just being a little kid. I would love it so much more if I didn’t have to deal with a certain someone there. You guessed it Java. Sure, he’s a great friend, but he has made my summer SO stressful. Well, alright, so, he likes me, has since the first day we met (apparently, that seems like total bull shit to me though). And he’s not intimidated to say it. Everyday. It stresses me out, be-cause he’s not the kind of guy I’m looking for. And, well, I’m always just at a loss of words at what to say to him. Be-cause if I totally rip his heart apart, I lose one of the closest people to me. But, in all honesty, I doubt he hangs out with me just to be a great guy and help me out with all my issues. It’s be-cause he wants to hook up. It’s totally obvious. It really is. And that really hurts, be-cause it seems like that’s what all my friends want as of lately. One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago that’s he’s been “in love” with me for the past two years. About a week ago, the only one of my guy friends I thought would NEVER be like that with me, told me he’d love to hook up after I break up with my boyfriend. And, well, it’s SO frustrating! Like, I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have an amazing personality. I’m nothing special at all. Which makes it even worse be-cause I’m sure they’re figuring that I’ll be easy, or something like that. And the ones that don’t want to get with me, try and get to me hook them up with one of my few girl friends.

It’s actually really depressing me lately. Be-cause it seems like no one in my life currently cares about me all that much. And I know that’s a common theme of this angsty little blog, but right now it’s really hitting me.

I’m kind of glad I have Butter back in my life now. But even he, I doubt I can actually trust him with important things.  He’s probably going to be-come one of those friends I can have fun with but not expect a real, deep, spiritual connection with. I help him with all of his problems and whatnot, but I don’t bother him with any I’m having. But he might be coming over to hang Thursday, so we’ll see what happens then. We’ve been texting a lot lately, and he says things like: “Chloe’, you’re like my best friend now, and I love hanging out with you and stuff more than any other girl. And what we have is really special and I’d do stuff with you I wouldn’t do with other girls” and blahblahblah. I’ve been hearing it so much lately it sounds like a load of crap. A big, steaming load of CRAP. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Butter right now… Like whether he’s trying to be a good friend, or just trying to use me for /something/ (it seems like everyone is). But we’ll see. I think the answer will be-come totally clear in time.

That seems like about it. I’ll try and blog a little more, like at least once a week or every other week. <:]

And, wow, okay, we’ll just see how this all turns out.

wrote that little tidbit myself. :]

 Sorry I never blog anymore, I’d be lying if I said it was because I was so profoundly busy. It’s mostly because, I have a lot of projects due soon, I’m lazy, my internet’s on crack and because there has been a disamusing dull in the story of my life.

But I’ll tell it anyways.

I suppose things are going well with Tadpole. I’m not sure if he likes me or not, I’d love to say I knew for sure either way, but I’d be lying. It seems like I like him more and more everyday. For a few reasons which I will list, because the rules of blogging state that if you have nothing important to say, make lists!

1. He seems to understand me, even if only a little bit.

2. He has great intuition, he knows when I feel like crap

3. He’s pretty smart, although he may deny it and he seems to just be the sort of intelligent that “gets it” without having to have every little thing explained to him.

4. He reads minds!

5. He doesn’t have expectations, as in, just hanging out at his house or eating popcorn in the backyard is cool with him (thus, less pressure for both of us)

6. He doesn’t like going out to places. Neither do I. That’s always a win-win.

7. He makes me laugh.

8. Overall, he’s a pretty good friend.

The funny thing is though, I still can’t compare him to Pumpkin, haha, sick, twisted, sorry. It’s a little of all those things. It’s good that I don’t have to see him anymore because I’d probably still be completely entrapped by him, and I like a whole lot that I’ve meant someone new, who I have a much better chance with.

Overall, I just don’t want another dissappointment.

As I said, my life has been hardly eventful, therefor, when something juicy comes up, I’ll blog immediately. On that note, don’t expect a whole lot of weekly posts, :]

have a lovely day, ^-^ <3

Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

I feel pretty dissapointed in myself tonight. And I hate myself for complaining about it, but I need to write it down somewhere before I forget what I’m feeling. That boy I talked about in below post? We’ve been talking a bit on AIM, but mostly awkward one-liners like Hey, How are you? Or something along those lines. And I was thinking, wow, he’s really trying hard, maybe soemthing good will work out for me?

But evident by his blog (hmm) it’s not like that. I don’t want to go into it. It’s nothing that cut my heart open and tore out my soul nothing as dramatic. Besides, I’ve never even met this kid.

But it got me thinking, maybe too much. I sort of hate it when I get my hopes up like this. And I was thinking about all the times I’ve been let down by people whom I figured to be important. Everyone’s let me down at least once, sometimes unintentionally, and other times completely on purpose. Why do I even trust people anymore? There’s obviously no point in it.

And somehow he stumbled upon my last blog post, thanks a lot Deven. And I really hope he won’t end up reading this one. This is my quiet place. The only quiet place, the only sanctuary I can find in this crazy, not-so-real world.

And I hate that I got so excited for yet another thing that did not work out for me.

And for some reason he still wants to hang out with me. I hope he’s not sympathizing for me. Right now, I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s like when everyone’s looking you up and down like they know something. And you don’t even know what it is? I want to forget about him, bury it. I can’t even be myself around him because I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous? For what? There’s  nothing to be nervous for. I’m just like him in that way. We’re both human beings. We both tell our mom and dad good night and roll around in bed a while before falling asleep. Dreaming maybe? It seems impossible, but we’re all connected in that way.

We’re all alike.

But we’re all different.

I just really hate that I thought, even after I was so blatantly ignored by Pumpkin I could find someone special in a day?

Sure.

Because that always happens for me.

I was being fesecious if you couldn’t tell.

I don’t want to talk anymore, because I’m getting more and more mad as I write and I don’t want to boil over.

Boil over,

I haven’t done that in a while. But I’m so mad at myself right now. So dissappointed that I could be so stupid.

And I hate it even more that I’m complaining! I want to be the one who I pretend to be. Who’s always happy, and makes people smile. Because isn’t that my purpose? To make people happy? I’m less sure every day. I seem to be doing it a lot less lately. I seem to just give them more problems.

And maybe that’s why I don’t believe in anything anymore?

Because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again?

My stupid ego. I hate it sometimes.

I want to start over so badly. Move somewhere and change my name where no one knows me and I can be someone new? How nice that would be. And I don’t even mind calling myself a coward. Because I’m running away, I tend to do that when my problems become to intricate to figure out. Run away from the problem. Forget about it. Bury it.

And I’m slowly graduating to boiling point. So I need to leave and take a breather before I do something dumb.

Well, I might not be blogging as much, because I’m starting a new music blog (a side project that ight be taking over?) I would be honoured if you would go check it out at http://blog.mymelody.com/chloesprofile

Anyways, my current life status. Well, this weekend, I sort of want to crawl under a rock. I did something sort of, well not mean, I didn’t think anything of it, but I said something that might have hurt someone? Someone I’ve known for sooo long. But I felt so horrible, so I had to apologize immediately. Of course she accepted and even suggested we hang out sometime.

And it made me feel worse. I really wasn’t punished enough. I got off easy. I mean, I hope I learned some sort of lesson from this… but did I really? Will I remember this the next time I go to open my occasional huggge mouth. What if she’s still harboring dark feelings but didn’t wan’t to create drama? (kudos to her then) I guess I’ll talk to her again. I don’t want to fricking harass her, and I feel bad that I’m only doing this for my own well-being. But I guess having a conscious is good? I just wish I could replace that with extreme compassion…

I’m slowly recovering from the Pumpkin trap, and there’s even someone new.

This is going to sound absolutely ridiculous.

But he requested me as a friend, and I’ve ever actually met him before (I think he’s in high school?) I know he’s not a pedophile or anything because he’s on bunches of my friends tops, and a lot of people say they see him every friday at [local teen hangout]. But he’s like, a genious. I thought Pumpkin was smart? This guy is like a million cagillion times smarter. He was talking about fate and the time space continuom. He has a substantiol vocabulary, he wants to be an actor and he’s on the debate team? He’s absolutely hilarious! And he’s never had a girlfriend? Suprising because he’s also very cutte. I just wish he went to our school, or that I could meet him. ;-; why do i always start to like guys I can’t have? Well, maybe I don’t like him, but I sure wouldnot mind spending some time with him. Here, here, it’s impossible to explain. read his profile::

My Name is ____
I like Strawberry Milkshakes. Thats one thing you have to know about me. In addition to that, Im an actor, which means I act. Deep down, people agree that Im a very philosophical person who beleives in a universal combination of fate and instinct naturally balancing themselves out so that everyones life essentially becomes perfect as long as they dont intentionally mess it up in hatred towards themselves. People seem to enjoy it when I give them that speech in full. Yeah, I’m on the debate team. I’m also weird, I draw cows, and play around with things I find on the ground, EG: String, Nails, Garden Tools that I name Carlito, or the Space Time Continuum. I’m dangerously ticklish, I’ll have you know, but try to not tickle me in somewhere thats supposed to be quiet. I’m pretty cool as being your friend goes. Just don’t be confusing. If you want anything from me, don’t give me annoying little hints, just tell me flat out. I like it when people speak their hearts to me. I also like secrets. Tell me them, I’ll give you advice. I’m getting better at not telling anyone. I’m pretty big on food, even though I’m incredibly skinny. I can eat nearly anything. Ice cream is a big plus. You cant go wrong with the Italian stuff though, y’know, Pizza and Pasta. I like that. Chineese food has MSG’s in it which are yucky and give you bad dreams. Fast food is made of feces no matter how much anyone denies it (cept taco bell and arbys. They’re safe). I also make videos. I work at a camp, and also enjoy doing it on my freetime with my friends (look below). Drugs and Sex arent good. Neither is masturbation. Thats not cool either. If you’re not straight Im also cool with it, just know that I am. On that note, if you’re a girl, Personality over looks, and dont be a lifeless looser who doesnt do anything fun. If you’re a girl and you want to “get with me” and all that Jazz, just hit me up at Cobb, every Friday, I’m sure to be there. Call me as well, **********. Also, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never made out with a girl before. Keep that in mind. I’m not experienced, so dont come to me looking for someone to sweep you away on a magical sexual adventure. I’ll try to if you want, but probably fail. I text, but perfer phone conversations. I get free minutes after 7, but dont have unlimited texts, thats probably why. So call after seven, text before seven, got it? Public television messes with the mind, and makes you think inside the box. Thats where that phrase came from. In “Think outside the box”, Box is referring to TV. I choose to do just that. Oh, and Im huge on baggy clothes. Long sleeves, jeans and cargo pants, long socks, jackets, etc. I like my tan line to be even. And they’re cozy. My main goal in life is to make other people happy. I live to see that someones life is essentially perfect for any time being, especially if you’re my friend. I will do anything to make you happy, whoever you are (except kill myself, because I know some smart ass reading this is totally going to say that). I debate, I act, I eat, I flirt, Im nice, smart, talented, extremely-fun, semi-funny… Everyone who truly knows me tell me that my only flaw is I know nothing about the way the world works outside of my little bubble… My idea of life is nobody kills eachother for fun, war is stupid, and drumsticks are the leg of the chicken, not the arm. Apparantly I’m wrong, but nobody has any proof, so I keep thinking that.
So basically, My mind is a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and taste and smell. Hearing and sight keep hitting and chipping with sharp fatal tools on my brain… Nevertheless I feel that cleverly I am being altered and I slightly am becoming something a little different, in fact
MYSELFYeah… Thats me in a nutshell

Wow, omigod, I get chills reading it. He’s just so fricking intelligent. XD haha, maybe I have lost my mind. I don’t know this kid, maybe he’s a total jackass. But don’t ruin it for me. I’d like to think there’s someone perfect out there. ^o^

But yeahhh, this got away from me, basically… GO READ MY NEW SIDEPROJECT, If you like music, I’m sure you’ll find it at least a little interesting, ;D

Where did all these guys come from? Last year I was having a dry spell of boys, maybe because I was so in love with Pumpkin I really didn’t open my heart to anyone else…

But now that I don’t see Pumpkin much anymore, it’s like the guys are just coming in.

First we have my closest guy friend Butter (hehe, remember him). I was pretty sure he liked my best, Lauren (guys usually do) until I realized while he was giving me a piggy-back ride, he looked up at me with those unmistakable kiss me eyes. I immediately jumped off because it scared me and then later while I was talking to my friend Maggie she said this girl (who is in love with Butter) said she was jealous of me because she was so convinced Butter liked me. It made my heart do that awkward bu-bump. I was just like, wait, I thought he liked Lauren. Don’t all guys like Lauren? And then I realized, he does wait an outrageously long time for me at my locker and goes out of his way so he can see me between classes, and today when we were at the bus loop, he hugged me a little closer and a little longer, and held my hands like he’d never let go. And I got scared and left. Maybe he’s just being nice because I can’t remember the last time a cute guy liked me.

But that’s no the end of it. I was on the bus, and my bud Jon mentioned how he thought our friend Kyle liked me. My heart did that bu-bump thing again. And I just said: “Huh? No I don’t think so…” but Jon seemed pretty convinced.

And then there’s one of my ex’s from last year who flat out told me he wanted a second chance with me and how he thought I was cute and smart and different than everyone else but he just liked my friend a few weeks ago so I don’t take him very seriously.

And there’s another one in my 3^rd hour. I can’t honestly tell if he likes me or not (I don’t think so) but, I just think he’s sort of cute. And he’s on my possible crush-material list. He flirts with me a little and mentions when he thinks I look cute. He does me little favors here and there, and is always totally sweet. We talk about a lot of different things and we totally click. But I super, majorly, doubt he likes me.

And suddenly there are four of them.

And there are actually about four more guys plus that who have been flirting with me lately.

Crazy? Is it my new mascara? Am I just imagining it?

And I really am trying super hard to get over Pumpkin, but I’ve always been slow with that. But lately I’ve found myself missing him less and less. I still think he’s brilliant and good company, but I’m wondering if he’s worth it. I’ll leave it to fate. A little serendipity never hurt anyone?

And overall today was good. During second hour, me and Caroline were sitting alone in a classroom, barefoot, drinking coke and we got bored and it started raining very hard. So we ran outside and played tag in the pouring ran, screaming, jumping in puddles and running around all the outside portable. It was really fun and we were thoroughly drenched when we got to 3^rd hour. I got a 96 on my History test and my history teacher told me how he thought I was genius, and how proud he was of me and that I’d accomplished so much and that my creativity and insight was beyond my years… And I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say. Also the results of the school election came n today, and I won the much-coveted “Secretary” position I was campaigning for. Amazing. I also have plans for the weekend. I’ll probably be hanging with Deven and possibly Lauren. Such a nice change of pace.

But life has been different and good. 8^th grade is not as magical as 7^th grade, but it’s better than it originally appeared to be.

Today was horrible. Usually I censor everything on my blog because i don’t want people from school to read it and think i’m crazy, or fishing for compliments or anything, but today sucked so badly, I just want to bang my head into the wall.

It started off yesterday, when I began a new episode of paranoia, or maybe not so much paranoia as actuality. My friends were all leaving me behind, the ones that did still talk to me only did so because they needed or wanted soemthing, or because they felt they had to. A hug isn’t a hug unless you truly mean it. So it was yesterday I started to realize, man, I don’t have a true friend, it’s because I’m not good enough? That’s what I was honestly doubting. I don’t like being wrong, so I began to blame other people again. Oh, they’ve just been busy, or maybe something’s going on with them that I don’t know about… And I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 But today was icing on the cake.

I was walking with Kyle to lunch, and his loser little friends walked up. “Omigod! Is that you’re girlfriend?” (Wow, what morons) So Kyle thought it’d be funny to say yes. So they started freaking out and one of his buds (the blond one) was like: “oh well, you’re girlfriend’s really ugly…” I turned around and yelled: “Excuse me? You know I’m right here in ear shot right? You could give me a hell of a lot more respect since I’m old enough to be your babysitter!” And he put up his hands like I was about to hit him and said, “No offense” Oh really? Really? No offense? How could I /possibly/ take that personally? So I ditched Kyle and went and sat with Lauren and Deven who were in deep converse (who 2 months ago couldn’t look at eachother without spitting on the other’s shoes). I sat down and felt a little ignored but tried to let it go. I should be happy my two besties were getting along right? So we all went in line and I was so right depressed I just sat down with Crystalyn at the table next to the lunch line. And I expected for Lauren and Deven to come and get me after they got their food right? They came, said Hi to everyone at the table, and left. Left, so sick. My two supposed best friends. But the two prettiest girls in school /first/. So I felt a little forgotten, you know? And I didn’t really belong at that table, and I didn’t belong with Lauren and Deven. So where was I supposed to go? Half of me wanted to call my mom and tell her to take me home. But the other half knew that was dumb. She’s worse than all my problems put together. So I roughed it out. Like a rickety little boat on the skirts of a hurricane. And it sucks.

And after lunch I was still a little mad. i thought Tyler was going to cheer me up, make me feel better. But when he saw I wasn’t Deven or Lauren, he blatantly ignored me. Looked me right in the eye, and cut me off but didn’t say a word.

And I saw Pumpkin after 4th hour, and usually that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. But he just yelled at me because I didn’t come get him out of his 2nd hour like I said I would (and I tried!) and when I was talking with him, he sped ahead and talked louder, draining out my voice. So I continued quietly to 5th hour. From there on in, things were okay. Nothing else horrible happened.

 And it wasn’t all that horrible, just the concept of horrible.

Overall, today, genuinally, sincerely and truly sucked.