Man, he just can’t re-sist playing head games with me. You know who I’m talking about. Crow; silly, silly, silly Crow. I was finally getting over it- closure; like, okay Chloe’, it’s really over. It didn’t hurt as much to see him in the halls, he wasn’t somehow raveled in every passing thought. I was smiling and flirting, with other guys.

Moving on.

But now he’s chosen to come back into my life. Quietly, without warning. One day we’re not even talking, taking all costs to avoid each other; and the next he’s hugging me and texting me nonstop and smiling at me in the halls. I wish I could say I’m not falling for him again, but that’d be a lie. I never even really got over it completely. … How could I?

Justin and I were in  the library studying when he said: “So, I talked to Crow…”. My heart skipped not just one but a million beats and I had to, once again, extract it from my throat. “Why?” I asked immediately. He then explained they had been hanging out (they’re in some club to-gether) and he asked him if he liked Lauren. Justin explained that he had said no to that one pretty quickly. Then he asked about me. I don’t know why he did exactly, maybe he just wants answers like I do. “Well, I’ll leave that up to you to de-cide.” That was his re-sponce. Crow’s dumb, stupid, can-be-interpreted-any-way response to whether or not he liked me. For me though, it’s a lot of hope.

It’s so funny looking back at all of the guys I’ve liked since grade 7. Well, the funny part is seeing where them and I stand nowadays. Some I haven’t even talked to in about a year, others have be-comes best friends. Unfortunately, none of them ever ended particularly well. Oh well, just another ten or so names to cross off my forever-love list… Ha-ha, what a joke. :] But anyways, this song is to them; all of them. All the dumb good-by’s I could never muster.

Fifteen Minutes Old – Snow PatrolI`m good for inspiration, aren`t I?
You will find
Well, close the door and I`ll go anywhere
You take me to from this bed onto so much more
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind
Touch me cause I can`t move
I can barely breathe,
speechless, breathless
I can`t tell you if I`m here or not
Running both legs tied together
Arms in the air
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind

I guess be-fore I can rant about all the crap going on now, I’ll have to catch you up. >-< Using past blog posts as a reference, I’ll just write and reply to all the things that were important to me.

Okay, I’ll start with Tadpole. Well, I continued to crush on him for most of the grade 8 year. And just as I was starting to get over him, he asked me out on April 30^th on a school trip. Things be-gan awkward around us, but we got better at the whole “going-out” thing. There were a lot of question marks for me around how much he actually cared about me. Actually, those “wtf’s” floating around are still in the near-most atmosphere. So now, I am planning to break up with him. Mostly be-cause over the summer I’ve changed a lot, and he hasn’t. I’ve be-come a lot more independent, and, if possible, even a little more self-kept. Right now I don’t feel like having anything serious in my life. I just want to spend lots of time with my friends, and hook up with some hot guys. If in the process I find someone I totally connect with (which I’m starting to doubt since I am outrageously picky) hell fricking yes, I’m game. But like I said, I’m thinking that’s not coming for a while. Which I’m perfectly okay with. :]

I guess I’ll then move on to the friends in my life right now. Okay. Bam. You got Katy, Brie, Java, Butter (re-member him?!?! :D) and Spencer. Katy’s my go-to girl, we hang out all of the time and recently just took a suave vacation to-gether with her parents, brother and cousin. :] Additionally, there’s Brie. We just be-came close this year, but she’s like my baby and I love her just oh so much. ^-^ Then there’s Java (a clever nickname if you couldn’t gather that) and uh, I don’t even want to go into that yet. Then there’s my baby boy Butter who I just be-came close with again after he broke up with his long-time girlfriend. :] And, OF COURSE, my favourite! Spencer! My shy, sarcastic little friend who makes my world go round and my heart go bu-bump. :]

Pumpkin…ah… don’t get me started. I want to shoot myself for still thinking about him on a daily basis. I honestly don’t have romantic feelings towards him anymore, be-cause I know it’s completely pointless, especially since we’re not even friends anymore and I barely see him at all these days. I think it’s just that feeling I had with him. Like that: “I could be with you forever” feeling. And I keep comparing every vibe I get from every guy to that one. And none even come close! But, hey, I’m lucky enough to know what I’m looking for. 

Okay, story time over. It’s now time to talk about the here and now. God, uh. Where to start. >-< Okay, so, I volunteer at this summer camp that I used to go as a wee little one. It’s so amazing, like a time machine. I get to be outside in the blazing heat all day wrestling, and running around, and, well, just being a little kid. I would love it so much more if I didn’t have to deal with a certain someone there. You guessed it Java. Sure, he’s a great friend, but he has made my summer SO stressful. Well, alright, so, he likes me, has since the first day we met (apparently, that seems like total bull shit to me though). And he’s not intimidated to say it. Everyday. It stresses me out, be-cause he’s not the kind of guy I’m looking for. And, well, I’m always just at a loss of words at what to say to him. Be-cause if I totally rip his heart apart, I lose one of the closest people to me. But, in all honesty, I doubt he hangs out with me just to be a great guy and help me out with all my issues. It’s be-cause he wants to hook up. It’s totally obvious. It really is. And that really hurts, be-cause it seems like that’s what all my friends want as of lately. One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago that’s he’s been “in love” with me for the past two years. About a week ago, the only one of my guy friends I thought would NEVER be like that with me, told me he’d love to hook up after I break up with my boyfriend. And, well, it’s SO frustrating! Like, I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have an amazing personality. I’m nothing special at all. Which makes it even worse be-cause I’m sure they’re figuring that I’ll be easy, or something like that. And the ones that don’t want to get with me, try and get to me hook them up with one of my few girl friends.

It’s actually really depressing me lately. Be-cause it seems like no one in my life currently cares about me all that much. And I know that’s a common theme of this angsty little blog, but right now it’s really hitting me.

I’m kind of glad I have Butter back in my life now. But even he, I doubt I can actually trust him with important things.  He’s probably going to be-come one of those friends I can have fun with but not expect a real, deep, spiritual connection with. I help him with all of his problems and whatnot, but I don’t bother him with any I’m having. But he might be coming over to hang Thursday, so we’ll see what happens then. We’ve been texting a lot lately, and he says things like: “Chloe’, you’re like my best friend now, and I love hanging out with you and stuff more than any other girl. And what we have is really special and I’d do stuff with you I wouldn’t do with other girls” and blahblahblah. I’ve been hearing it so much lately it sounds like a load of crap. A big, steaming load of CRAP. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Butter right now… Like whether he’s trying to be a good friend, or just trying to use me for /something/ (it seems like everyone is). But we’ll see. I think the answer will be-come totally clear in time.

That seems like about it. I’ll try and blog a little more, like at least once a week or every other week. <:]

And, wow, okay, we’ll just see how this all turns out.