Man, he just can’t re-sist playing head games with me. You know who I’m talking about. Crow; silly, silly, silly Crow. I was finally getting over it- closure; like, okay Chloe’, it’s really over. It didn’t hurt as much to see him in the halls, he wasn’t somehow raveled in every passing thought. I was smiling and flirting, with other guys.

Moving on.

But now he’s chosen to come back into my life. Quietly, without warning. One day we’re not even talking, taking all costs to avoid each other; and the next he’s hugging me and texting me nonstop and smiling at me in the halls. I wish I could say I’m not falling for him again, but that’d be a lie. I never even really got over it completely. … How could I?

Justin and I were in  the library studying when he said: “So, I talked to Crow…”. My heart skipped not just one but a million beats and I had to, once again, extract it from my throat. “Why?” I asked immediately. He then explained they had been hanging out (they’re in some club to-gether) and he asked him if he liked Lauren. Justin explained that he had said no to that one pretty quickly. Then he asked about me. I don’t know why he did exactly, maybe he just wants answers like I do. “Well, I’ll leave that up to you to de-cide.” That was his re-sponce. Crow’s dumb, stupid, can-be-interpreted-any-way response to whether or not he liked me. For me though, it’s a lot of hope.

It’s so funny looking back at all of the guys I’ve liked since grade 7. Well, the funny part is seeing where them and I stand nowadays. Some I haven’t even talked to in about a year, others have be-comes best friends. Unfortunately, none of them ever ended particularly well. Oh well, just another ten or so names to cross off my forever-love list… Ha-ha, what a joke. :] But anyways, this song is to them; all of them. All the dumb good-by’s I could never muster.

Fifteen Minutes Old – Snow PatrolI`m good for inspiration, aren`t I?
You will find
Well, close the door and I`ll go anywhere
You take me to from this bed onto so much more
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind
Touch me cause I can`t move
I can barely breathe,
speechless, breathless
I can`t tell you if I`m here or not
Running both legs tied together
Arms in the air
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

I realize this is my 3rd post today, I guess I’m just in the blogging mood. I feel like venting to someone.

Lately I’ve felt so depressed. Not like ohmigosh go cut my wrist depressed. And I’m not depressed because of Pumpkin or Ari or Him. I don’t know, lately I just feel kind of empty. It’s kind of hard to explain. I just feel like so many people around me are just so fake, and everyone just seems to go along with it, like it’s okay to be fake. Worse than that it is accepted, sometimes it is even considered “cool”. That really kills me.

Hmm, when you think about it. How would the world be different if everyone only cared about personality. What if looks didn’t matter? There would be no fasion magazines, no makeup, everyone would be so much more real.

Geeks would go out with cool kids, preps would go out with goths. It would be total chaos, but in a good way. People like Pumpkin would go out with people like me. People like Lauren would go out with people like Nick. Tyler’s would go out with Celeste’s, Ari’s would go out with Cristina’s. It would be crazy and mixed up ,but so right. Nothing would matter except how much you liked that person. Wouldn’t that just be really great? Just really really great? I would love that, I would really love that. ♥

I’m not saying I’m butt ugly or anything, but I’m not like drop-dead gorgeous. You know the usual, blonde hair, hazel eyes.

But God, what a place the world would be if looks didn’t matter…

The crazy things I do to feel full again. This happens every once a while. I just feel empty and alone, and once my head gets going on the idea, it doesn’t stop for weeks. It’s been a few days now. I can’t say I particularily like myself when I get like this. But it kind of comes with my character. I’m deeper than most people think. I have such an intellectual mind. I still haven’t met anyone who I can speak theoretically with. I haven’t met anyone I can ask questions like “where did it begin” “why am I I?” “who are we?” “who does the human race think it is?”. Questions like that. I could talk for hours about that. Sometimes (like today) the weight of it just hits me and I can’t stop thinking. I get so distracted and it really annoys everyone but I just can’t stop.

I do some crazy things to try to “cleanse” myself. Yesterday, I was taking a shower, and then all of the sudden, I turned the water as cold as it could go and just kept thinking and I started crying. I know that sounds crazy, but I was standing there in the cold water, alone with my thoughts, crying. That sounds absolutely insane, but I can’t even start to explain how empty I felt. Just, empty. I can’t think of a better way to describe it than just empty. Like if you opened me, there would be nothing there, no heart no soul. And then all the sudden, the next day I’m filled again. Insane. Really insane. I guess I think I’m losing myself or something. That would be really awful. It really would.

I heard this somewhere: “People are like bubbles. They look amazing on the outside. But they only last for a second. They are easily burst and empty inside. And in reality, they are the exact same.”

Well, there you have it.

People are like bubbles.

I will be 13 in 4 days. (Isn’t that exciting) I just want to make a list of what everyone got me so you will be very jealous.

$20, $15 iTunes giftcard, 9 bottles of nailpolish (2 silver, one white, 2 blue, 2 purple, 1 red and 1 pink), white, silver and black eyeliner, silver eyeshadow, straightener, nail files, manicure kit, chocolate, tic tacs, 2 bottle of lip gloss and earrings.

I haven’t gotten the stuff from my parents yet. I’m getting that on my real birthday. I don’t know if my sisters got me anything or not. It doesn’t really matter though. I mean I already got such amazing stuff from my friends.

I love you guys, <3

But if one of you can give me Pumpkin (preferrably) or Him for my birthday I’ll love you even MORE! Just kidding gosh, I’m not that shallow, X-x

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting a scene from a movie or something. But I guess in relaity stuff like that NEVER happens.

I saw him walking to 2nd hour with Nick, and I turned down the hall that lead to my class. I really don’t know what I was thinking was /going/ to happen. I kind of wanted him to run over and just start talking to me. I know that’s stupid… really stupid the more I think about it. but I don’t know, I guess I just set myself some kind of standards. He didn’t even wave, God, I was just crushed. I mean he’s really not the type to scream out your name and wave around his arms even if he /does/ like you, but still maybe even just a little nod so that I knew he at least noticed me, or looked my way or something. But he just kept walking.

God.

Emotional turmoil.

My friend got back from the Hospital today. I missed her a lot, and we played a long overdue prank on another friend of ours. xD It was a good one too.

Oh, and I don’t think TJ hates me anymore, which really doesn’t matter to me right now. I mean, I’ll probably care a lot tomorrow, but today, I don’t know, I think I was just adjusting to him ignoring me and stuff, and then he waits for me after 4th hour and hugs me and then hugs me again after school. Lauren’s right, men are so confusing.

Ari was absent today. I don’t know why everyone thinks I care so much. I mean I do, I’d be a scrooge not to. But it’s not like the end of the world because he’s sick or anything. Gosh, people are stupid sometimes, XP

Hmm, a lot happened in one day. It really did. That’s quite interesting, because someday’s nothing happens at all.

Here’s a random thought for ya. What makes one day different from another? I mean the sun comes up and goes down the same every day. And it’s the same people, and the same place and generally the same situations.What can make one day, according to these circumstances, amazing and another “the worst day of your life”. I mean what is it? Really, I’d like to know. I really would. What make today any different from yesterday? Or what makes yesterday different from tomorrow? What makes 2 years from now any different than this exact moment?

I think it has less to do with people changing and more to do with ourselves changing. I think it has to do with ourselves and how we grow and how we act. When you really think about it, it all comes down to us, and whether we’ve got the guts or not to keep going. 

I’m so stupid for liking a guy like “him”. I mean he’s into cheerleaders. :/

My friends say it’s totally naturally. He has that “attainable” statues, like if I really tried I could probably get him. And he really is decently cute. He has the most gorgeous silver-brown eyes. It’s too dangerous to release his name on the internet. What a disaster /that/ could turn into. He was being so sweet today. We made a lot of eye contact and he went to leave the classroom, and he /looked back at me/ and smiled. *dreamy*

He’s so funny too. I’ve liked him for a few weeks now, just never really got around to blogging about him. Too much Ari drama. Oh, and much to contrary belief, “he” is not Ari.

Now he’s confusing for you. I mean REALLY comfusing. He’ll smile at me and talk and flirt his brains out, but then the next day he’ll ignore me till I want to go cry in a corner somewhere. Today we looked at each other. I mean just /looked/ at each other, square in the eye for at least a mintue. I mean that’s a whole 60 seconds. SIXTY SECONDS! And I look at Celeste and she smiles because she knows I like him, and I had just cried to her hopelessly a few minutes before saying /oh I don’t know if he likes me/ and /oh why doesn’t he ask me out?/ and /we’d look so cute together/. Sometimes it feels good to just shoot the poop (I got that from ‘The Catcher in The Rye’) with good ol’ Celeste sometimes. Because most of the time she just nods along and listens. Well maybe she’s not really listening. Maybe she’s wondering why the smoothies at lunch are so expensive or why that cloud passing by looks like a kitten. But at least she pretends to listen. And if she wants to laugh, she holds it in for at least a minute. Which I really appreciate anyways.