Man, he just can’t re-sist playing head games with me. You know who I’m talking about. Crow; silly, silly, silly Crow. I was finally getting over it- closure; like, okay Chloe’, it’s really over. It didn’t hurt as much to see him in the halls, he wasn’t somehow raveled in every passing thought. I was smiling and flirting, with other guys.

Moving on.

But now he’s chosen to come back into my life. Quietly, without warning. One day we’re not even talking, taking all costs to avoid each other; and the next he’s hugging me and texting me nonstop and smiling at me in the halls. I wish I could say I’m not falling for him again, but that’d be a lie. I never even really got over it completely. … How could I?

Justin and I were in  the library studying when he said: “So, I talked to Crow…”. My heart skipped not just one but a million beats and I had to, once again, extract it from my throat. “Why?” I asked immediately. He then explained they had been hanging out (they’re in some club to-gether) and he asked him if he liked Lauren. Justin explained that he had said no to that one pretty quickly. Then he asked about me. I don’t know why he did exactly, maybe he just wants answers like I do. “Well, I’ll leave that up to you to de-cide.” That was his re-sponce. Crow’s dumb, stupid, can-be-interpreted-any-way response to whether or not he liked me. For me though, it’s a lot of hope.

It’s so funny looking back at all of the guys I’ve liked since grade 7. Well, the funny part is seeing where them and I stand nowadays. Some I haven’t even talked to in about a year, others have be-comes best friends. Unfortunately, none of them ever ended particularly well. Oh well, just another ten or so names to cross off my forever-love list… Ha-ha, what a joke. :] But anyways, this song is to them; all of them. All the dumb good-by’s I could never muster.

Fifteen Minutes Old – Snow PatrolI`m good for inspiration, aren`t I?
You will find
Well, close the door and I`ll go anywhere
You take me to from this bed onto so much more
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind
Touch me cause I can`t move
I can barely breathe,
speechless, breathless
I can`t tell you if I`m here or not
Running both legs tied together
Arms in the air
Care for you, I will
Can I have a picture of you tonight
Keep it with me always in my mind

Man oh man, the things that stick with me. The ghost of Crow is still sort of looming around these days, like one of those secrets in your head you try to quiet but won’t shut up. Well, just another skeleton in my closet of corpses. Things have gotten better be-tween us at least. Sometime the week be-fore last, he called out my name from be-hind me and walked me to seventh hour. Likewise, the Thursday that just passed (what is it with Thursdays and amazing-ness?) he playfully bumped into my side to get my attention and again walked me to class. The same day, he came up to me in the bus loop, touching my chin (being ironic as I sometimes greet people that way) and starting up a conversation with me. However, I’m not really committing myself to him right now. I’m not going to close my heart to every other guy out there for this one who will probably never like me again, and, let’s not forget, really, really hurt me. Unfortunately, there is an overwhelming lack of men at my school who aren’t either stupid, total dicks, boring or taken (and sickeningly enough, the vast majority are all of the above). But oh well, romance is not my main concern right now. I have about four-five hours of homework a night, and am barely keeping my 4.0 GPA. For a while I’ve managed to keep an A in my college class all year so far (even if only by a few points), and brought up my Algebra II grade with some help from my teacher and a few good test grades. Right now, I have all A’s, except for my B in Creative Writing, which, to be honest, seems completely ridiculous to me. She gave me back one of my papers and docked off 20 points be-cause she said she didn’t like my writing style, even though grammatically, and even ideologically, I was right on… I’ll win her over. :] De-spite the fact that I barely ever have the opportunity to talk to them at all, my friends are so supportive. Danny is being just being Danny, in all of his innate awesome-ness. I’ve also be-friended Danny’s buddy Hunter, who is really cool and who I’ve been spending a lot of time with lately (unavoidable since he’s almost always with Danny and Danny’s almost always with me). They both help me a lot with not getting too stressed out with school. I wish I could spend more time with them then I’m reasonably permitted, but I’m just really glad to have them in my life right now. Chris is helping me a lot with my AP course (since he’s taking the same one) and gives me some insight on a lot of the teachers I have now (since he had most of them two years ago). And things are basically going great with all of my close – closer friends (Brie, Spencer, Justin, etc, etc).

The problems I am having are, unfortunately, the two I like to consider “best” friends. Lauren is an obvious one. Ever since late elementary school, we’ve had our issues. It was usually just a matter of her screwing me over and me getting unreasonably mad. I’m not going to go into tons of examples be-cause there are tons for me to choose from, one being her going out with the guy I liked the day after he broke up with me (without asking permission or any of that cordial crap) or when she was hard-core flirting with the guy I had been crushing on for months and made me watch. Those are two that just come to mind immediately and I don’t even really care be-cause they were both soooo long ago (the former in grade 6 and the latter, late grade 7) but she sort of did something similar about a week ago. Not as drastic really, but while we were conversing , she called Crow over (she knows about all the drama be-tween him and me) and gives him this huge hug and starts talking to him. Not wanting to deal with it at all, I just turn and walk away. I’m good at hiding my feelings when I’m really pissed off. Later, I call her out on it, and she starts playing the victim card like I’m the villain here. That wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t had texted both Danny and Lamb to tell them to ask me why I was “mad at her” even though she had already admitted earlier to me what was up. I got pretty bitchy both with her and Lamb. Eventually she apologized and we made amends. Spencer tells me to just give up on her, but I don’t want to. I’ve known her basically since I was born (15 months old or something) and I pretty much grew up at her house, with her family. It’s nice having someone who knows everything about you and understands you, and I don’t want to give that up. Maybe we’ve both changed a lot since grade 4 (when we first started drifting apart), but we always come back to each other in hard, and good times, which makes me think we will be forever intertwined. But I promised myself that this is it. I’m tired of letting people stomp all over me. I think she knows I’m not playing around this time. I’ve been sticking up for myself a lot more lately. I might just be in an endless bad mood on account of getting up too early and doing too much work, but I like to blame the bitchiness on some deep internal change.

And then there’s Katy. I love Katy. She’s probably my closest friend, and definitely my closest girl friend (Goddamn my inability to be-friends females!). But she keeps doing this weird drama thing. And it drives me crazy. I try to ask her advice on things I’m dealing with, but she either a) ignores me, b) says “uh huh” and talks about something more katy-related, or c) re-ports everything I say to at least two other people. This really wouldn’t bother me, but then she gets all pissy with me when I don’t tell her stuff. She often asks me for advice and re-lies on me as a listener, and I’ve re-alized something. She really hates being single, like more than is normal for the romance-obsessed teenage girl. First she goes out with James, a few weeks later Billy, a few DAYS later Dillon (who I introduced her to), then she starts to like this other kid and breaks up with Dillon. When she realized things wouldn’t work out with her new boo, she went back to Dillon within the course of one week. And now she’s flirting with a guy in my creative writing class. I don’t really have a problem with that, that whole new-guy-every-other-moment thing, but she’s usually so enthralled in the drama of it all we can never really have fun like we used to…

Oh well.

I’m really focusing on school right now.

And I’m kinda kicking ass, so, that’s good enough for me.

My days are developing a strange pattern. The earlier hours are dull and uneventful; afternoons are light-hearted and enchanting. After school is usually so depressing, generally be-cause I see Crow, and he keeps doing these little things that make me so frustrated. Like yesterday, for instance, my day was all fine and dandy. My morning was filled with lots of new cute guy, who isn’t as amazing as Crow and definitely cannot replace him in my heart, but is still really nice and funny and who I get along with well. I had some good laughs in a few of my classes and thoroughly enjoyed my lit period, par usual. The day seemed just peachy, especially since I’d barely seen him all day (just a few encounters outside by the portables, where I ignored him and he ignored me). Well, the whole “getting over him” thing still isn’t exactly going as I’d been trying for, and one of the only hopes I’d found is that I could at least assure myself he was not the same guy I gave my heart too. He dressed differently, and talked differently, and smiled differently, and just wasn’t the Crow I’d grown to adore. This new him seemed fake, and artificial. The one I used to know was a loner, philosophical, and mysterious and intelligent. He was passionate and worldly, he had depth, but yet, at the same time, could put a smile on anyone’s face. But since that last day with him, he seemed different. Aloof, and a fake sort of enthusiast, his smile didn’t look genuine like they used to. His eyes no longer sparkled…

But as I come downstairs after seventh hour, I run right into him. He’s literally inches away from me, not an avoidable distance, so I say his name and he turns to me. He neither smiles nor scowls, like I’m unimportant, like he doesn’t even realize who I am or what I once meant to him… “Are you okay?” I ask, be-cause this far-away look is not one I like seeing on him. I’ve seen him upset, I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen what he’s capable of… “Yeah,” he says. And that’s all he says. As I re-call it, it didn’t even sound like him.  Right at this moment, the crowd dissipates in several areas and he moves from me, without catching my eye again, and without even a glance back. He goes to the left, and I go to the right. This encounter’s over apparently. This alone is enough to upset me. I find myself with my head down, staring at people wondering what they see in me. A lonely someone I think, be-cause I can feel it taking over me at that moment. It’s so de-pressing, that I used to mean something to this person, and he used to mean something to me too, and then he just de-cides to walk out of my life, without reason. Maybe I’m looking for what we used to have, but, really, I think I just want closure. Be-cause all of these little maybes keep nagging at my heart. But he doesn’t want to give me any answers; I really don’t think he cares at all. I feel like I should’ve known better, I feel like I should’ve seen this coming and avoided this kid by a mile. But he knew what to say, he knew who to be, he told me lies, and I fell for it.

So I go to my locker and get my books as fast as I can. A few of my friends call my name, but I pretend like I can’t hear them, be-cause there’s just something about seeing other people smiling and laughing when you feel like dying. I go out to the bus stop and, knowing Danny won’t be there, search for Hunter (a friend of Danny’s), be-cause I really just want to hug someone. But I can’t find him, and Lauren’s busy with people so I go to someone who can always make me smile- Joren. Courtney (his girlfriend) isn’t riding the bus home so he’s standing there listening to his iPod and I just go up and we start conversing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Crow approaching us. I turn to face him and we just stare at each other… it breaks my heart to do this, so I turn back to Joren. But I realize Crow’s still staring at me, within touching-distance away. I turn back to him, and the stare-down continues. Finally I say “What?” with a little bit of laughter in my voice, be-cause I’m sure that’s what he’s aiming for. And he smiles. Crap. I haven’t seen him smile like that in so long. And his eyes, they sparkle. And the realization comes to me. He is the same guy I fell for. He’s back in jeans and old sneakers and ruffled t-shirts. He’s optimistic and smiling. And he smiles at me, be-fore turning his attention to Joren, asking him about his day. Joren seems unconcerned and really doesn’t pay too much attention to the conversation, and eventually Crow walks away.

And that, that whole encounter nearly rips my heart in two. Be-cause, I sense that now he knows the power he has over me. He’s just playing games with me, just a joke to him. He says: “Haha, there’s that girl I used to actually give a crap about.” Like it’s something insignificant, and funny.

But, unfortunately, I don’t take it that lightly.

I get on the bus, turn on my music (David Nevue primarily) as loud as it goes, sit by myself to-wards the back, and just can’t stop thinking about him. A few tears escape my eyes and I really hate myself for it. I invest my heart into things. It takes a lot for me to do it, but when I meet someone like that, or stumble across something like that, I give it everything I have. And I hate the my judgment was wrong, yet again. I walk home in silence. I’m so lost in my own world, I walk in front of a car and have to jump to get out of the way in time when I see it coming. I get home, tune my guitar by ear and play until my fingers bleed, be-cause I just don’t want to think about him anymore…

While at work to-day, I feel painfully lethargic; this is out of character for me. I find myself thinking about him, more than I should be. And for once, I turn off my phone, empty my head and just throw myself into my work. My heart does an odd little jump when I realize I’ve finished everything that must be done in two hours, an effort that usually takes me four. I find odd jobs here and there to occupy the re-maining time. More than anything I want to talk to Ms. St. John, be-cause she’s one of my favourite people in the world, but Nicole, one of my co-workers is there and I feel it may be-come awkward if I strike up a conversation. So I stay quiet.

And then an odd sort of revelation overcomes me. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick and tired of letting something as insignificant as a guy get to me like this. Nothing’s going to come of feeling sorry for yourself. By re-membering the past, you’re only fooling yourself, trying to elude that this guy is better than what he actually is. You’re only re-calling the things you love about him, not the things you hated. Forget the good times, they’re gone now. Summer’s over. It’s time to grow up and move on.

It really hit me, hard. I don’t de-serve to be treated like this, to be toyed with, and hurt like this. We had our good times sure, but he’s being an ass about this, and I’m willing to accept that and open my heart up to something different.

It’s high school. Anything can happen. By tying myself down to this guy that can’t give or provide me with anything, I’m only closing the door to dozens of other opportunities.

Those doors are fucking swinging off their hinges now.

Good-by Crow and good fricking riddance.

Last Days of Summer – Silverstein

The bright light beams
From her eyes
Like broken glass
Or a broken heart
Who would have guessed
You’d leave me here
Beneath my eyes
I feel the tears
I hold backI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this way As my legs
start to shake
I feel nothing
I wanted you
I needed you
But you weren’t there
For me this time
Not for meI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this wayYou
That I loved
That I needed
You weren’t there
Not this time
YouWhat should I do?
I was supposed to love you
What should I do?
I won’t leave
What should I do?
I was supposed to love you
I cannot feel youLast breath I feel
Warm air intake
The last summer’s day
Last one I takeI won’t leave, leave this way
I won’t leave
Lost it all for you
I won’t leave
When the shadows beam
Misery remains
I won’t leave this time

I find myself caring less and less the more days that go by. It’s a sad turn of events, but in all honesty, one I be-lieve that had to occur. But, hey, I’ve come to realize lately, the people I thought would’ve left me long ago haven’t, and the ones I thought would be with me until the end aren’t… Goes to show how crappy my intuition is. However, my mind, unfortunately still wanders to that dark place in my brain sectioned off as “CROW” (yeah, he’s got his own fricking de-partment now, what do ya know?!). I was never good at that “getting over it and moving on” thing, but I think I’m making substantial progress. No, that’s a lie, I still can’t forget about him, but I just don’t express the feelings of regret and guilt I feel as openly. Hurrah for all the introverts out there.

In the friends aspect of life, things actually aren’t bad. I’ve still got Katy, which is a blessing. I don’t even care if she’s enthralled in her own life all of the time; as long as she takes me along for the ride (and hopefully lets me ride shotgun) it’s all good. Unfortunately, things could be better be-tween me and Danny / Butter (yeah, yeah, I said it). We were really close over the summer but now I feel like I’m sort of losing the bond I once had with him… Things are fantastic with Brie and I actually, which is both surprising and re-freshing. It seems like the only friend-esque moments I have with her are when we’re both crying our eyes out, but lately we’ve been having a great time, laughing a lot and sharing a lot of sweet moments. Things are just as they always are with Spencer, and, God, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I love the relationship I have with him. Justin’s been helping me sort through some stuff lately which I also appreciate. So, well, if this whole Crow thing has taught me anything (be-sides not being so giving with my heart in the future), it’s which of my friends I can trust and rely on. In addition to the Power Five, I’ve been spending a lot more time lately with Caroline which is so great be-cause we always get along and she’s a great listener. And, well, the best and worst part of all of this is Lauren… I’ve really missed having her in my life, and it didn’t really seem like she wanted me in it either most of last year. But now, she’s putting an effort into it, which isn’t expected of her. But, I like it. She’s like my sister after all, and we can always find common ground. Sometimes it’s kind of nice to be with someone who knows everything about you without having to have anything explained to them. I really want to make our friendship work this time (again; I know I’ve said that be-fore) but this whole Crow thing has me walking on egg shells. I thought him and I were going somewhere, and we were, just, ya know, turns out it was a dead end. I really don’t want to go through it again. I can’t re-member ever hurting about something this badly for so long.

And you know what they say:

“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

God, physically, spiritually, emotionally, I am a complete wreck. I don’t know when or where it started, but lately, I just feel, not like myself. I guess I’ll start off with the guy some of that may be contributed to. Wow, he’s practically perfect. Everything I’ve been looking for in a guy. Sweet, emotional, sympathetic, intuitive, intelligent, curious, philosophical, spontaneous, funny, optimistic and all of that good stuff. He’s got the most beautiful green eyes you’ll ever see, and a fantastic smile. I mean, pair that with his amazing personality, and you guessed it, I’m head over heels. Holy crap, I haven’t liked anyone this much since Pumpkin. And this guy, who I’m supposing I’ll call Crow, well, I really like him a lot. And, wow, I’m surprised when he says that he feels the same. He says that I’m perfect and that I have the best personality and that I’m everything he’s been looking for in a girl, wow, enough to make any girl’s heart beat fast. We text all day, every day in that first week, he makes me laugh, he’ll text me at midnight just to say “I love you” so I have something to wake up to. Suddenly, on that monumental Thursday, I realize I’m really starting to fall for him. After Tadpole, I didn’t think I’d want a relationship for a long time, but, wow, I couldn’t never seen someone like Crow coming. So Thursday comes, and he’s not in the best of moods, which is really not fantastic. He volunteers at the camp with me and the school was going to a local water park, which I had extremely high expectations for. Unfortunately, it was pretty disappointing. “Are you okay?” Crow asks me at one point when we’re sitting cross-legged against a wall as the other volunteers go on a ride we weren’t feeling up for. “Yeah, I’m fine,” I reply. “I don’t be-lieve you,” he said. Okay, that may not read like much. But, well, I have this silly little list of everything I’m looking for in a guy. And, well, number one is: “Someone who won’t be-lieve me when I say I’m fine.” My exact words, and his exact words, and that’s the thing about Crow, everything about him just fits perfectly.

So we get back on the bus and his mood has brightened substantially. He’s laughing a lot, and flirting and being just adorable in every sense of the word. We’re sitting with Garrett, one of my favourite kids at the camp, so we’re cramped in the seat pretty tight. We’re listening to my iPod (we have insanely different tastes in music), and he puts his hand on my leg, and omigod, definitely enough to give you chills. He smiles at me, with that adorable little smile (it makes me smile just thinking about it) and everything feels right again with him. We get back to the camp, and things get even better. We’re doing everything to-gether, flirting most of the way. I’m smiling almost nonstop at this point, be-cause well, damn, I’m just awestruck at how amazing he is. When my dad calls that’s he’s on his way to pick me up, this veil of foreboding comes over me… This is the last day I’ll see Crow in a long while. I’m sure he doesn’t care as much as I do, until, as we’re walking up to the cafeteria where most of the kids are he just says, out of nowhere: “Babe, I’m really going to miss you…” I smile, that weird, awkward, little, sympathetic smile I give every now and then. He laughs and says: “Damn, you’re so cute.” One of the counselors asks us to get something from the supply closet so we head up there and sort through some stuff. My dad calls again, saying that he’s waiting outside. I look at Crow, and he looks at me, and I give him the best hug I’ve ever given anyone in my entire life, be-cause I have this terrible feeling like I’m never going to see him again, or at least, not see him like this anymore. And then I just look at him, all tired and sorry-looking and we start kissing.

Wow, that kiss, words can’t even describe it. It was probably one of the most magical things I’ve ever felt. Like, only kiss I’ve ever had where I still get chills thinking about it, three days later.

Afterwards, we’re texting like we always do. And he agrees that it was the single most amazing kiss of his life. He says how he can’t wait to see me again and all that sort of stuff.  Feeling happy and optimistic, I say good night. He tells me to have beautiful dreams and that he loves me, and I fall asleep with that fluttery feeling like everything’s going to get better.

The next morning, there’s no message to wake up to. No “I love you”, no “good morning sunshine”, nothing even of the sort. Wait, no, actually, let’s tell it like it is, there’s nothing at all. I figure he’s busy, out and about with his friends and stuff, so I just disregard it and go to work. Butter’s there to-day and we hang and just have an amazing time, be-cause, well, he’s my best friend and we always do, and he helps me sort through emotions like this, be-cause he’s my go-to guy when it comes to advice in areas like this.

I go to sleep, disappointed, knowing Crow didn’t talk to me all day…

The next day’s even worse, I finally get something about 3 in the afternoon, and from there, it all goes downhill. It just seems like he doesn’t care at all anymore.

Dillon, a friend from work, makes me feel insanely shitty about it, saying I fall too fast. Which I know is true, but I hate it when people act like they know me oh so well. I ended up upsetting him, (wow, screw me) and now I’m just sitting here wanting to take back this whole summer be-cause it’s been one giant mistake.

I guess be-fore I can rant about all the crap going on now, I’ll have to catch you up. >-< Using past blog posts as a reference, I’ll just write and reply to all the things that were important to me.

Okay, I’ll start with Tadpole. Well, I continued to crush on him for most of the grade 8 year. And just as I was starting to get over him, he asked me out on April 30^th on a school trip. Things be-gan awkward around us, but we got better at the whole “going-out” thing. There were a lot of question marks for me around how much he actually cared about me. Actually, those “wtf’s” floating around are still in the near-most atmosphere. So now, I am planning to break up with him. Mostly be-cause over the summer I’ve changed a lot, and he hasn’t. I’ve be-come a lot more independent, and, if possible, even a little more self-kept. Right now I don’t feel like having anything serious in my life. I just want to spend lots of time with my friends, and hook up with some hot guys. If in the process I find someone I totally connect with (which I’m starting to doubt since I am outrageously picky) hell fricking yes, I’m game. But like I said, I’m thinking that’s not coming for a while. Which I’m perfectly okay with. :]

I guess I’ll then move on to the friends in my life right now. Okay. Bam. You got Katy, Brie, Java, Butter (re-member him?!?! :D) and Spencer. Katy’s my go-to girl, we hang out all of the time and recently just took a suave vacation to-gether with her parents, brother and cousin. :] Additionally, there’s Brie. We just be-came close this year, but she’s like my baby and I love her just oh so much. ^-^ Then there’s Java (a clever nickname if you couldn’t gather that) and uh, I don’t even want to go into that yet. Then there’s my baby boy Butter who I just be-came close with again after he broke up with his long-time girlfriend. :] And, OF COURSE, my favourite! Spencer! My shy, sarcastic little friend who makes my world go round and my heart go bu-bump. :]

Pumpkin…ah… don’t get me started. I want to shoot myself for still thinking about him on a daily basis. I honestly don’t have romantic feelings towards him anymore, be-cause I know it’s completely pointless, especially since we’re not even friends anymore and I barely see him at all these days. I think it’s just that feeling I had with him. Like that: “I could be with you forever” feeling. And I keep comparing every vibe I get from every guy to that one. And none even come close! But, hey, I’m lucky enough to know what I’m looking for. 

Okay, story time over. It’s now time to talk about the here and now. God, uh. Where to start. >-< Okay, so, I volunteer at this summer camp that I used to go as a wee little one. It’s so amazing, like a time machine. I get to be outside in the blazing heat all day wrestling, and running around, and, well, just being a little kid. I would love it so much more if I didn’t have to deal with a certain someone there. You guessed it Java. Sure, he’s a great friend, but he has made my summer SO stressful. Well, alright, so, he likes me, has since the first day we met (apparently, that seems like total bull shit to me though). And he’s not intimidated to say it. Everyday. It stresses me out, be-cause he’s not the kind of guy I’m looking for. And, well, I’m always just at a loss of words at what to say to him. Be-cause if I totally rip his heart apart, I lose one of the closest people to me. But, in all honesty, I doubt he hangs out with me just to be a great guy and help me out with all my issues. It’s be-cause he wants to hook up. It’s totally obvious. It really is. And that really hurts, be-cause it seems like that’s what all my friends want as of lately. One of my best friends told me a few weeks ago that’s he’s been “in love” with me for the past two years. About a week ago, the only one of my guy friends I thought would NEVER be like that with me, told me he’d love to hook up after I break up with my boyfriend. And, well, it’s SO frustrating! Like, I’m not a pretty girl. I don’t have an amazing personality. I’m nothing special at all. Which makes it even worse be-cause I’m sure they’re figuring that I’ll be easy, or something like that. And the ones that don’t want to get with me, try and get to me hook them up with one of my few girl friends.

It’s actually really depressing me lately. Be-cause it seems like no one in my life currently cares about me all that much. And I know that’s a common theme of this angsty little blog, but right now it’s really hitting me.

I’m kind of glad I have Butter back in my life now. But even he, I doubt I can actually trust him with important things.  He’s probably going to be-come one of those friends I can have fun with but not expect a real, deep, spiritual connection with. I help him with all of his problems and whatnot, but I don’t bother him with any I’m having. But he might be coming over to hang Thursday, so we’ll see what happens then. We’ve been texting a lot lately, and he says things like: “Chloe’, you’re like my best friend now, and I love hanging out with you and stuff more than any other girl. And what we have is really special and I’d do stuff with you I wouldn’t do with other girls” and blahblahblah. I’ve been hearing it so much lately it sounds like a load of crap. A big, steaming load of CRAP. I’m not sure how I’m feeling about Butter right now… Like whether he’s trying to be a good friend, or just trying to use me for /something/ (it seems like everyone is). But we’ll see. I think the answer will be-come totally clear in time.

That seems like about it. I’ll try and blog a little more, like at least once a week or every other week. <:]

And, wow, okay, we’ll just see how this all turns out.

Where did all these guys come from? Last year I was having a dry spell of boys, maybe because I was so in love with Pumpkin I really didn’t open my heart to anyone else…

But now that I don’t see Pumpkin much anymore, it’s like the guys are just coming in.

First we have my closest guy friend Butter (hehe, remember him). I was pretty sure he liked my best, Lauren (guys usually do) until I realized while he was giving me a piggy-back ride, he looked up at me with those unmistakable kiss me eyes. I immediately jumped off because it scared me and then later while I was talking to my friend Maggie she said this girl (who is in love with Butter) said she was jealous of me because she was so convinced Butter liked me. It made my heart do that awkward bu-bump. I was just like, wait, I thought he liked Lauren. Don’t all guys like Lauren? And then I realized, he does wait an outrageously long time for me at my locker and goes out of his way so he can see me between classes, and today when we were at the bus loop, he hugged me a little closer and a little longer, and held my hands like he’d never let go. And I got scared and left. Maybe he’s just being nice because I can’t remember the last time a cute guy liked me.

But that’s no the end of it. I was on the bus, and my bud Jon mentioned how he thought our friend Kyle liked me. My heart did that bu-bump thing again. And I just said: “Huh? No I don’t think so…” but Jon seemed pretty convinced.

And then there’s one of my ex’s from last year who flat out told me he wanted a second chance with me and how he thought I was cute and smart and different than everyone else but he just liked my friend a few weeks ago so I don’t take him very seriously.

And there’s another one in my 3^rd hour. I can’t honestly tell if he likes me or not (I don’t think so) but, I just think he’s sort of cute. And he’s on my possible crush-material list. He flirts with me a little and mentions when he thinks I look cute. He does me little favors here and there, and is always totally sweet. We talk about a lot of different things and we totally click. But I super, majorly, doubt he likes me.

And suddenly there are four of them.

And there are actually about four more guys plus that who have been flirting with me lately.

Crazy? Is it my new mascara? Am I just imagining it?

And I really am trying super hard to get over Pumpkin, but I’ve always been slow with that. But lately I’ve found myself missing him less and less. I still think he’s brilliant and good company, but I’m wondering if he’s worth it. I’ll leave it to fate. A little serendipity never hurt anyone?

And overall today was good. During second hour, me and Caroline were sitting alone in a classroom, barefoot, drinking coke and we got bored and it started raining very hard. So we ran outside and played tag in the pouring ran, screaming, jumping in puddles and running around all the outside portable. It was really fun and we were thoroughly drenched when we got to 3^rd hour. I got a 96 on my History test and my history teacher told me how he thought I was genius, and how proud he was of me and that I’d accomplished so much and that my creativity and insight was beyond my years… And I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say. Also the results of the school election came n today, and I won the much-coveted “Secretary” position I was campaigning for. Amazing. I also have plans for the weekend. I’ll probably be hanging with Deven and possibly Lauren. Such a nice change of pace.

But life has been different and good. 8^th grade is not as magical as 7^th grade, but it’s better than it originally appeared to be.

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

Well, it hasn’t been a great couple days for me. I’ve been feeling kind of down in the dumps, and I’m bored as hell. Despite this, my dreams have been as vivid as ever.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in this strange wold with a few of my friends (Butter is the only one I really remember though) and me and Butter were running around like crazy trying to keep the town at peace. There was this huge skating rink (random) in the center of the town. Then me and Butter went out passed this gate-ish thing, and the grass was about up to our waist. I saw this car and then I noticed my parents were sitting inside. I talked to them for a second and they began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. Then I ran away. And then I woke up.

I guess I haven’t really given specific reasons why I feel like crap so here goes.

I found out that Pumpkin (who I’ve liked for almost a year) had/has (i don’t know) a crush on one of my best friends. So as you can see that kind of put a damper on my day. And I haven’t talked to Butter in a while, I feel like I’m annoying him. Lately, I feel somewhat unlovable. Like no one will ever like me no matter how hard I try (friends and guys both). I haven’t talked to any of my friends (excluding Courtney) in ages, no one’s even picked up the phone to call me. And when I IM them it seems like they really don’t want to talk to me.

Well, I’m remodeling my room. Today I started painting. 3 of my walls are going to be an orange-based white, and one a BAM orange-brown. The two highlight colors are red nd light green. I like painting. I turn on some music and I think, and it’s almost rhythmic. With my arm going up and down in time with the beat of the song I’m listening to. It’s a nice time to think, and contemplate about what I normally don’t get the time to wonder about. It’s a breath of fresh air from real-life. And even if it’s only for a couple hours, I feel at ease an refreshed.

I had an interesting dream last night (as always, ^-^) Tyler had moved to my neighborhood, 143rd Street (I’m not sure if that actually exists, but I’m going to check it out, maybe I’m supposed to find something there) and I was with Crystal and we were riding our bikes around the hood and I said Tyler’s name, and then someone started screaming, so we ran. When I got back to my house, it was a huge mansion. Like /huge/ it looked like a hotel. Crystal said she had to go home, and then Tyler, Butter and Pumpkin appeared. I was about to say something to Pumpkin (can’t exactly remember what, but it was pretty important) than Butter grabbed my arm and pulled me up this huge staircase. At the top, there was this giant pool, and we jumped in. Then some pretty lady in a suit started yelling at us. Telling me I wasn’t within my rights to do such things. I told her it was my house, and she grabbed Butter and told me to get out, so I went back down the staircase. Then Pumpkin was standing there and he told me Butter was dead. I was really confused, so I grabbed Pumpkin’s hand and we ran up the stairs, and it was like an empty apartment building where the pool had just been a few seconds ago. When I went to go back down the stairs with Pumpkin, there was a closed door, and when I opened it, there was like a town on fire. I closed the door and turned to Pumpkin and Butter was standing next to him. Then I was in my old science teacher (Mrs. Koerner)’s room. I was sitting next to Lauren F. (a girl at my school) and Pumpkin walked in the classroom, and the front of his hair was dyed blond. (It was quite random) I turned to say something to Lauren, but where she had just been sitting was Butter. “What’s going on?” he asked me. Pumpkin sat next to us, so Butter was on one side and Pumpkin was on the other. I put my head down on the desk and woke up.

Anyone care to evaluate? I looked some things up in my dream books. According to numerology the number 8 (1+4+3) means transformation. A person born under the number 8 is generally quiet, reserved and patient. Someone who is very untrusting, but operates like a broken machine under a cool exterior. I used to be like this, but I told myself to change a while ago. Sometimes I still feel like this. Does this number mean that I am going to transform /back/ into this person? Or that I am going to veer very far away from it?

Some of the elements I looked up included the stairs. Afterall, I was going up and down the stairs numerous times, and I figured this could represent something.  It turns out, a staircase represents transformation or change (whoa,) Going up stairs represents a higher level of understanding. Going down stairs represents repressed thoughts or to the setbacks I will experience soon in life. So going continuouslly up and down stairs, must mean that I am trying to /transform/ into someone that can /successfully understand/ the /setbacks I am going to face soon/.  That’s my take on it. I also wanted to analyze what significance Butter and Pumpkin had in my dream. Pumpkin is obviously someone I am in love with. My dream dicitonary says: “To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship.” Butter is someone I am not sure whether I like or not. Could the significance of these two be that I am having trouble choosing one over the other? I was also fascinated by the flames and the empty apartment. “In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.” “To dream of a shabby and dark apartment, indicates misfortune and possible loss of a lover or money.” A door means I am entering a new stage in my life. The hotel-looking mansion means: “Signifies a new state of mind, or shift in personality.” Butter taking my left arm (I remember) represents my “need to nurture him”. Pumpkin taking my right hand represents “the spiritual connection I feel to him” Being in the classroom means I may “be learning a life lesson”.

Taking all this into consideration, I’d say my dream is all about myself changing, and leanring and important life lesson.

My subconscious is trying to tell me to be with Pumpkin for I feel a spiritual connection to him, and that the reason I like Butter is because I feel like I need to protect him.

Would anyone else care to evaluate?