Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

Today was horrible. Usually I censor everything on my blog because i don’t want people from school to read it and think i’m crazy, or fishing for compliments or anything, but today sucked so badly, I just want to bang my head into the wall.

It started off yesterday, when I began a new episode of paranoia, or maybe not so much paranoia as actuality. My friends were all leaving me behind, the ones that did still talk to me only did so because they needed or wanted soemthing, or because they felt they had to. A hug isn’t a hug unless you truly mean it. So it was yesterday I started to realize, man, I don’t have a true friend, it’s because I’m not good enough? That’s what I was honestly doubting. I don’t like being wrong, so I began to blame other people again. Oh, they’ve just been busy, or maybe something’s going on with them that I don’t know about… And I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 But today was icing on the cake.

I was walking with Kyle to lunch, and his loser little friends walked up. “Omigod! Is that you’re girlfriend?” (Wow, what morons) So Kyle thought it’d be funny to say yes. So they started freaking out and one of his buds (the blond one) was like: “oh well, you’re girlfriend’s really ugly…” I turned around and yelled: “Excuse me? You know I’m right here in ear shot right? You could give me a hell of a lot more respect since I’m old enough to be your babysitter!” And he put up his hands like I was about to hit him and said, “No offense” Oh really? Really? No offense? How could I /possibly/ take that personally? So I ditched Kyle and went and sat with Lauren and Deven who were in deep converse (who 2 months ago couldn’t look at eachother without spitting on the other’s shoes). I sat down and felt a little ignored but tried to let it go. I should be happy my two besties were getting along right? So we all went in line and I was so right depressed I just sat down with Crystalyn at the table next to the lunch line. And I expected for Lauren and Deven to come and get me after they got their food right? They came, said Hi to everyone at the table, and left. Left, so sick. My two supposed best friends. But the two prettiest girls in school /first/. So I felt a little forgotten, you know? And I didn’t really belong at that table, and I didn’t belong with Lauren and Deven. So where was I supposed to go? Half of me wanted to call my mom and tell her to take me home. But the other half knew that was dumb. She’s worse than all my problems put together. So I roughed it out. Like a rickety little boat on the skirts of a hurricane. And it sucks.

And after lunch I was still a little mad. i thought Tyler was going to cheer me up, make me feel better. But when he saw I wasn’t Deven or Lauren, he blatantly ignored me. Looked me right in the eye, and cut me off but didn’t say a word.

And I saw Pumpkin after 4th hour, and usually that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. But he just yelled at me because I didn’t come get him out of his 2nd hour like I said I would (and I tried!) and when I was talking with him, he sped ahead and talked louder, draining out my voice. So I continued quietly to 5th hour. From there on in, things were okay. Nothing else horrible happened.

 And it wasn’t all that horrible, just the concept of horrible.

Overall, today, genuinally, sincerely and truly sucked.

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.

I had an interesting dream last night (as always, ^-^) Tyler had moved to my neighborhood, 143rd Street (I’m not sure if that actually exists, but I’m going to check it out, maybe I’m supposed to find something there) and I was with Crystal and we were riding our bikes around the hood and I said Tyler’s name, and then someone started screaming, so we ran. When I got back to my house, it was a huge mansion. Like /huge/ it looked like a hotel. Crystal said she had to go home, and then Tyler, Butter and Pumpkin appeared. I was about to say something to Pumpkin (can’t exactly remember what, but it was pretty important) than Butter grabbed my arm and pulled me up this huge staircase. At the top, there was this giant pool, and we jumped in. Then some pretty lady in a suit started yelling at us. Telling me I wasn’t within my rights to do such things. I told her it was my house, and she grabbed Butter and told me to get out, so I went back down the staircase. Then Pumpkin was standing there and he told me Butter was dead. I was really confused, so I grabbed Pumpkin’s hand and we ran up the stairs, and it was like an empty apartment building where the pool had just been a few seconds ago. When I went to go back down the stairs with Pumpkin, there was a closed door, and when I opened it, there was like a town on fire. I closed the door and turned to Pumpkin and Butter was standing next to him. Then I was in my old science teacher (Mrs. Koerner)’s room. I was sitting next to Lauren F. (a girl at my school) and Pumpkin walked in the classroom, and the front of his hair was dyed blond. (It was quite random) I turned to say something to Lauren, but where she had just been sitting was Butter. “What’s going on?” he asked me. Pumpkin sat next to us, so Butter was on one side and Pumpkin was on the other. I put my head down on the desk and woke up.

Anyone care to evaluate? I looked some things up in my dream books. According to numerology the number 8 (1+4+3) means transformation. A person born under the number 8 is generally quiet, reserved and patient. Someone who is very untrusting, but operates like a broken machine under a cool exterior. I used to be like this, but I told myself to change a while ago. Sometimes I still feel like this. Does this number mean that I am going to transform /back/ into this person? Or that I am going to veer very far away from it?

Some of the elements I looked up included the stairs. Afterall, I was going up and down the stairs numerous times, and I figured this could represent something.  It turns out, a staircase represents transformation or change (whoa,) Going up stairs represents a higher level of understanding. Going down stairs represents repressed thoughts or to the setbacks I will experience soon in life. So going continuouslly up and down stairs, must mean that I am trying to /transform/ into someone that can /successfully understand/ the /setbacks I am going to face soon/.  That’s my take on it. I also wanted to analyze what significance Butter and Pumpkin had in my dream. Pumpkin is obviously someone I am in love with. My dream dicitonary says: “To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship.” Butter is someone I am not sure whether I like or not. Could the significance of these two be that I am having trouble choosing one over the other? I was also fascinated by the flames and the empty apartment. “In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.” “To dream of a shabby and dark apartment, indicates misfortune and possible loss of a lover or money.” A door means I am entering a new stage in my life. The hotel-looking mansion means: “Signifies a new state of mind, or shift in personality.” Butter taking my left arm (I remember) represents my “need to nurture him”. Pumpkin taking my right hand represents “the spiritual connection I feel to him” Being in the classroom means I may “be learning a life lesson”.

Taking all this into consideration, I’d say my dream is all about myself changing, and leanring and important life lesson.

My subconscious is trying to tell me to be with Pumpkin for I feel a spiritual connection to him, and that the reason I like Butter is because I feel like I need to protect him.

Would anyone else care to evaluate?

You know what I’ve thinking for the past few days?

Well, I guess first you need to get a little background info. Well, lets just say I saw a sad “someone” from across the cafeteria. He was so sad. He just looked at his shoes, and his brown eyes wandered around the room, like he was scared of something. I could tell he was thinking. Every once in a while he’d put down his head in his hands. He’d look at random people and you’d tell he wanted to cry. I was the first one to notice anything. When we were walking to lunch, I realized he was walking by himself, and his hands were buried in his pockets, and he stared at the ground. He’s never alone; I’ve never seen a moment when he was alone. I knew something was up. And then at lunch, I just look at him occasionally, and I realize what a sad day it is. The windows are open, and the wind (which is uncommon where I live) was like something you’d find in
Chicago. The sun wasn’t out and it was somewhat cold, but I didn’t have a jacket. There was a thick fog over the school, and the day felt dream-like. But I look at him, and it got me like a disease. I was so upset, I started to tear up a little. “Chloe’,” one of my friends finally said. “Chloe’, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” I wiped at my eyes and said: “Every good actress can cry on demand,” They looked at me for a moment more and went back to talking. I put my head to my hands and looked at this “5” that hung over one of the cafeteria exits. It seemed like such an awful number. I felt really sick, and everything went kind of dull, and I just saw that number, and I felt very sick, like I wanted to throw up and sleep for a very long time. And then I looked at the sad guy and he was pretending to laugh with his friends. I could tell it was forced. So I looked to my friends and they were all laughing at some joke I hadn’t heard. I look back and forth between them and the sad boy a table in front of me. I realized what little compassion people have for one another. How could one person be so happy, when one person could be so sad? I looked back at that number 5 and I had to rest my head on the table because my head was spinning. The funny part, no one noticed. I felt so sick. And they were all still laughing at that joke. It was like one of those nightmares people have when you’re an inch tall and everyone’s towering over you and laughing, but you don’t know what they’re laughing at. And then my head started hurting. It killed me knowing someone was unhappy, yet everyone else cared very little. And then I got up and left, I couldn’t take it anymore. Deven caught up with me, and I saw that the sad one, that never walks alone, was walking by himself again. I wished I would have left a few minutes earlier so I wouldn’t have had to see him again. Finally,
Tyler realized something was wrong. Followed by Celeste. Paul was short after. But as soon as they realized the problem, they did little afterwards. Like they didn’t want to get their hands messy, trying to figure something out. I put my knees to my chest and started crying. I hid my face from the class and cried for a few minutes just thinking that somewhere, someone is sad, someone has died, someone was crying. The world will never be a perfectly happy place and it hit me kind of hard. I kept looking over at the sad boy all during class, and he never looked up. He whispered silently to himself, and I saw him writing. It killed me.

I wrote a poem, one of my saddest in a long time. I would post it up here, but I don’t want to reread it because all of the thoughts I was having will come back, and I don’t want them to come back.

I’m not sure where to start…

Yesterday I went to Courtney’s house, we looked up random myspaces and videos as Kevin played Wii Tennis with Courtney’s mom. Then we played some DDR. (I still like ITG better) We looked up some music and played guitar hero. I showed her pictures of my Uncle Paul and told Uncle Paul (who is Tyler fast-forward 30 years) funnies and stories. Then we went to Blondies with Caroline and Allison (Taylor was there too) and we met this cool dude (Phillipe) from Brazile. I’m not kidding, he was like an exotic handbag, born in Scotland, raised in Brazile, and he’s visited places like Korea and Japan, and get this, he’s our age. I liked him though. And then there was this drunk guy that kept talking to us  and then he kept hitting on our waitress. Me and Collin got married, and he swares he will be my Prom Date. Overall, I had a very nice time.

Today I read the new issue of Seventeen and worked on my Science Project (toothpick bridge) and then my neighbor started up his boat and this big puff of smoke slowly trailed into the patio where I was reading. “GEEZ! POSIONING OUR YOUTH HERE!” I screamed at him. I’m not sure if he heard me or not, but he just kept polluting the atmosphere.

I had a weird dream last night. It contained a few people. There was me, Ari, Joren, Tyler, and a lot of other people. If dreams truly are things you tink about before you sleep, I have no idea WHAT I was thinking. I was back in my elementary school cafeteria. And I went in the lunch line and I decided to get a bowl of pudding so I took the pudding and the line was really long so I ate the pudding and then when I was about to throw it away but the lunch lady said i needed to pay for it. But I didn’t have any money. So she said I could go get money from one of my friends. But if I wasn’t back in 10 minutes that I’d turn into a pumpkin. So I left and asked Deven for some money but she didn’t have any, and she was all crying. But I didn’t have any time so I figured I’d see what was wrong later. Then I asked Ari. But he just started hugging me and he wouldn’t let go. So I kind of draged him around on my quest for money. Then I asked Tyler, and then I moved my hand or something and I hit Joren’s butt, and this girl (that i think is in my gym) was sitting on his lap and they were making out. It was kind of random, and he was like “CHLOE!” and he was really mad. (who wouldn’t be?)

but then he punched me and he missed because i turned into a pumpkin and smashed (Smashing Pumpkins maybe?) to the ground and then Tyler was like “I ♥ Pumpkin Pie! ^^” and his dialouge popped over his head like in an anime series.

It was so weird.

And at dinner I thought of soemthing kind of funny in a silly way. Dad asked me what I wanted for dessert and I said “Gopher please,” (i was out of it) here comes the funny part, then i said: “I could really Go Fer Some Gopher!”

XD

Well, anyways, I finished that book I was reading. Now I’m going to read this series about Vampires (my sister suggested it). I’m not sure which comes first in the series but I know the names are Twilight, Eclipse and New Moon (i think)

And Courtney: I bought 5 Blaqk Audio songs on iTunes. (*I like them!) My favorite is Again, Again and Again, but I aslo bought Stiff Kittens, Semiotic Love, The Love Letter and Snuff On Digital

If someone could make a diagram of my heart, probably about half would be donated to my best friends. They keep my insanity. Each one has their own trait that makes me feel good.

Cristina makes me feel good, maybe because she listens to me. Sometimes I feel like nobody’s ever listening to me. I feel like i talk but no one can hear me, and the few that can just don’t care enough  to say/do anything.

Courtney makes me feel good because she can relate to me. Because we have so much in common, she really knows how to give good advice.

Alex makes me feel good because she laughs at me (sometimes in the good way, sometimes in the bad way). Sometimes she gives me those weird “What the heck” looks that only /she/ can give, but she always laughs when I make a funny, which makes me feel special because i feel like my purpose in life is to make people happy. 

Ari makes me feel good, because he keeps life interesting. Just um /interesting/

Tyler makes me feel good because he always makes me laugh. And he makes me feel loved. Even though sometimes he makes me feel horrible about myself, unintentionally /generally/

Nick makes me feel good (you’re probably wondering why i mention him) because he gives me something to look forward to. I don’t know why, but i like seeing him in class. he makes me smile for some reason, unbeknowst to me.

Celeste makes me feel good because she acts like she cares. A lot of people don’t love me enough to even act like they care.

Deven may ignore me to isolation sometimes because of Joren, but she really makes me smile.

John, doesn’t know who I am, but he makes me feel good, becaus ehe is so cute and he gives me someone to /impress/ every day

I have a lot of other friends, but those are the one that impact my life most on a day-to-day basis.

Then my family and my random crushes are squeezed into the other half.

I can tell by the look on your face that you are fascinated