The past few days (week, *cough**cough*) have been strangely uneventful.

I went to a craft fair with my mom on Saturday. Lauren was going to come with us but her aunt was taking her to get her nails done or something…which I can’t really protest. I would’ve rather got my nails done then walk up and down those crowded old lady isles that reek of corn cakes, Lady Speed Stick, and that weird smell of wet wood. The one thing I really liked I did not end up getting.

It was this long, driftwood-colored vanity mirror. The mirror wasn’t all that, it was kind of cloudy and old, but it made it so much more alluring to me. So old, and antique-like. I wanted to picture myself in it, but for some reason, I could not see my reflection.

Well, I mean I saw a girl who looked somewhat like me. The same blonde hair and grey shirt, overall the same. Only I would notice a difference.

But I saw it.My face looked different; it looked more perfect, and angular, compared to its usual lopsided round. It was almost too perfect, and my skin was deathly pail. It looked like I had died or something. My cheeks were neither rosy nor pink, just an off white. My hair looked brittle, and overall I looked older, frailer…My eyes were different too. They looked deeper, glassier to me. And they were no longer hazel, or green or brown. They were slowly etching their way to black. Just like the color of coal. The image kind of scared me and I can still see it when I think hard. Maybe it was just the lighting, but the thought of me being so /different/ really scares me. I mean I didn’t even recognize me, I had to look around and make sure my biological twin wasn’t standing right next to me, and I was seeing her instead of myself. That seemed much more logical at the time. As much as my reflection scared me, I really wanted that mirror. It felt so…magical to me. My hands are shaking thinking of it. Yet somehow I cannot imagine that, image of evil in my room, all the time.

The rest was somewhat of a drag, because I kept wondering if people were looking at me, because I was so pail, and empty, and my eyes were so black. I was so frail and skinny, but no one seemed to notice as they bumped passed me.  

For a moment I wondered if I was dead, a wandering spirit or something. That would explain the reflection, and why it seemed like no one could see me. Every time I passed that mirror, I waited for the evil picture to return, but soon my color returned, and my eyes changed back to their normal color. I looked like myself again, but my heart quickened.

I couldn’t really explain why but it just scared me for some reason.

It was a really weird moment for me.

The night followed with a weird dream.

I was tied up and I was in a boat. The sky was dark but there was no rain. Someone I knew, but couldn’t recognize at the time, grabbed me and threw me overboard. I couldn’t swim and I drowned. I woke up and there was someone chasing me, and I was 18, and this little girl who looked just like an 8-year-old me was following me. I jumped a fence and began falling. I fell with a thump. I was in this world where everything was white. But for some reason I knew just what to do. There were about 8 people sitting at a table. I covered 6 of them with a white cloth and sprinkled salt on their heads and they vanished. 2 were left, but I didn’t want them to go. One was a lady, she looked like a queen (she was wearing a big colorful dress and a crown) and her skin was like a rainbow, and the second was a little boy who could barely see above the table. “Can I trust you?” I asked both of them. The 8-year-old me, I realized, was following me at this point, she said her name was Alice. “Of course, sweetheart” the queen lady said. And she handed me a bag filled with money ($52, for some reason I really remember that number) and she pointed me to this big stage over an empty auditorium. Alice followed me. We went to the stage. There was a drum set onstage so I started drumming and Alice began to sing. After a while the queen said, “that’s enough.” Next to her was a boy, a beautiful boy. Jasper he said his name was. (funny, both Alice and Jasper are characters in a book I’m reading) The little boy from the table still hid timidly behind the queen’s leg. A man came out from behind the auditorium (I cant remember his exact name but it was an So I believe, funny because there aren’t many So names, it was something weird like Soothe or something) “that’ll be $52” he said. I got kind of mad but I gave him the money. I looked to the queen, and suddenly I was in my patio, there was a weird black staircase so I followed it down to the darkness. Someone was chasing me, I could hear the footsteps. Suddenly I fell onto a bridge. Alice was still with me. I saw a gondola going passed the river under me and me and Alice jumped in. “Chloe, for you,” Soothe (or whatever) began as I stood up in the boat. “For you I would do anything.” He paused as if to use words to measure his love for me. “For you, I’d tie myself up and throw myself into this river.” He said.

Suddenly I was struck with love. I don’t really remember what really happened after that, but next thing I knew I was jumping, tied up back into the river, but this time I wanted to. Soothe jumped in after me (now I was watching this like a movie) but he couldn’t get my body in time and I drowned again. Suddenly
Alice transformed. She was a beautiful brunette with pixie short hair (just like in my book) and she began explaining why I died and why I committed suicide, like somehow she knew. Then her, Jasper, Soothe and the Queen all jumped over a fence. Suddenly an image of Nick P.’s face filled my entire head, expanding till it nearly hurt. That’s when I realized the little boy at the table, and the man who threw me overboard in the beginning of my dream were both Nick. I think I may have realized this in the subconscious part of my mind, the part that might have been half awake. I woke up and I was in a hospital, just as white as the mystery world. And the doctor standing over me, it was Soothe. I do basically remember that he had light brown hair and green eyes, and that’s all I can recall about his appearance. My heart nearly burst (in my dream that is).

And then I woke up.

I tried to fall back asleep and go back to Soothe because I really liked him, but the sleep after that was dreamless.Kind of a weird dream if you ask me. And by no means pleasant…I have no idea /what/ I was thinking before I went to sleep (if after all your dreams are what you think about before you sleep)

My mom tried to analyze it. She said Alice was my “secret wish to be young again”, the fact that I was 18 was “my fear of growing older”, the fence was “the wall I feel like I am facing,”, the boat was “my insecurity” and when I made everyone disappear at the table it shows my “rebel against authority”, Soothe was “my yearning for adventure”, the hospital was “my fear of getting hurt” and she thought the whole Nick thing was “just weird”.

Of course I edited some parts of my dream for her so she wouldn’t think I was crazy (like the suicide part, or how someone kept following me, or how Nick threw me overboard and I drowned twice…)

It’s kind of funny, because I was just telling Courtney not long ago that I wanted to die by drowning, because I think it would be peaceful. Ironic almost…

So it was a pretty weird day for me, that mirror thing combined with the dream really threw me over the top. Well, if you’re up for trying to analyze my dream, I’d really like to hear your ideas. This dream is the most curious I’ve had in quite a while…

I’m reading this book called “the five people you meet in heaven”. It really interests me, and it got me thinking. If I died, right now, this very second. Who would be the five people /I/ met in heaven?

1) This kid in the bookstore. He changed my mind forever. He’s an 8th grader from New Jersey (therefor I haven’t seen him since) and he was behind me in line at the Bookstore. He had a pile of four books. I’m extremely nosy so I just had to see what he was reading. To Kill A Mockingbird, some sappy romance novel (for his mom he later told me), a book on Cuban culture and “The Five People You Meet In Heaven”, the EXACT book in my hand. I mean there are millions of books in the world, and we both just happen to pick up this book. That really killed me. But so we start talking (not for very long mind you), and I realize he is a very smart person. I could just tell by the way he talked, he was smart. I like smart people, I really do. And he kind of gave off that impression like /oh its nothing special, everyone’s smart in New Jersey/ or something. Maybe I’ll move to New Jersey or something. I like smart people. They draw me in like magnets, the same way stupid people kind of repel me. But so he really got me thinking. It’s not a /crime/ to be smart. And maybe in another world, its accepted to be smart. And that being so intellectual and conceptual (which i am) it’s okay. Yet now, because we live in a world of fakers, and cheats and killers and just plain idiots, it is by some extent, /wrong/ to be smart? It just hit me, right as he walked out the door, that he really changed my life. And isn’t that what heaven is really about?

2) a certain Josh Baldwin. it was the only person i’ve ever felt SO strongly about. We met at the beach, and we hung out every day for a week. The day I was going to ask him out, he just vanished. And I haven’t seen him since. The boardwalk we’d meet at everyday, I was there that Monday morning. I remember it was kind of cloudy and the surf was rpetty amazing. I went over in my head just how I would ask him. And then poof he was gone. No phone number, no “ill see you eventually”, if I didn’t know better I’d say he dropped off the world. It seemed like nobody knew anything about him. Nobody knew who this Josh with the black hair and brown eyes was. I was so heartbroken, I mean I liked him so much. Today I still have not found soemone esle I care so much about. Sometimes I wonder if he was the one. But it really showed me that life doesnt go according to plan. Life is no fairy tale. I am no Cinderella, he is no prince charming. And the worst part, sometime I wonder if he still even remembers me. Or if I just dropped off the world too, like him. In the back of my mind, I will always care about him. It’s almost been a year now, and I still can not find it in me to shake him from my head… He always finds a way back in.

3) The third will surprise you. It really will. You might want to sit down and hold your breath for a second. This person may have changed my life the most. He changed the way I thought about life forever. A certain Nick Patterson. I realize how crazy that is. Considering how he acts and how he talks, I can almost hear what he’s thinking. We have smiliar minds. The same ideas and beliefs. The same species yes, but a  different beast entirely. He kind of showed me how fake people can be. And to never be fake and to sort of follow what I believe. Always be my true self. It’s weird too, since we have never spoken of such a thing. Sometimes it pops up, maybe for only a minute, and then the subject changes. But he kind of made me aware of things going on. I thank him and curse him all the same. I used to be trusting and friendly. Now I am more weary of people I don’t know. And Nick is to blame. Yet without him, I dont know, I wouldn’t be Chloe’ anymore.

4) The next is my great aunt Margaret. You’ve probably never heard of her but she matters to me. So much. First off, she lives on the most beautiful beach in the world. Just spending a few days at her house is my retreat. It always opens me spiritually. I feel so at peace with myself when I am there. Like I am floating and flying and swimming and sleeping all at once. It is the most wonderful feeling in the world. I’m not sure if it is so much the house or the place as the feel. I just love the feel of it. It feels like a happy house to me. I feel like I am in  heaven when I am there. And then Margaret, she makes the room oh so much brighter. She really showed me the big picture in life. To really meet it head on and be free and do what you want.  I remember I was 8 and she put her hands on my shoulders and said “Chloe’ Brett (my middle name), you’ve only got one life. You only get one. I want you to live it just as best you can. Don’t let nothing stop you. Don’t be afraid. You can change the world” Oh, I got that amazing feeling all over again just reading it. Margaret will forver be my sanctuary that I know I can always rely on.

5) The last person I would meet in heaven… Is not exactly a person. He has the requirments. His name is Henry, and he owns the Pawn Shop on the end of a street on the beach. The locals call him Old Man Henry and he wears an old 40’s top hat to work everyday. He has cancer. Only, Old Man Henry does not exist. I imagined him. He is all a figment of my imagination. I write about him. Sometimes I describe him so vividly I keep wanting to think he is real. Maybe he is real, and I just haven’t met him yet. Sometimes I meet him in dreams and he tells me what to do. I realize how crazy I sound. But he is just as important to me as any other of my friends. I would be devastated if “he” died. But the irony, in the end of this book, I write about him, he loses the battle to cancer. And he dies. I find that so strange. That I kill off someone I love so much. He is wise and always knows what to tell me, and boy can he play piano… But then it hits me and it nearly saddens me. He is not real.

 Well, I finally got my hair cut. (Layered and fairly long sideswept bangs (the shortest about at my nose and the longest just a little passed my ear) I updated my Devaintart. (I’ll add some of the pictures.) *click the links.

Smile For the Cameras

Snowed In Heartbreak Hotel

this is Nick fixing his hair in the middle of 6th hour *just pulls out a bottle of hair spray and BAM!

i know he’s a gorgeous beast but contain yourself

If someone could make a diagram of my heart, probably about half would be donated to my best friends. They keep my insanity. Each one has their own trait that makes me feel good.

Cristina makes me feel good, maybe because she listens to me. Sometimes I feel like nobody’s ever listening to me. I feel like i talk but no one can hear me, and the few that can just don’t care enough  to say/do anything.

Courtney makes me feel good because she can relate to me. Because we have so much in common, she really knows how to give good advice.

Alex makes me feel good because she laughs at me (sometimes in the good way, sometimes in the bad way). Sometimes she gives me those weird “What the heck” looks that only /she/ can give, but she always laughs when I make a funny, which makes me feel special because i feel like my purpose in life is to make people happy. 

Ari makes me feel good, because he keeps life interesting. Just um /interesting/

Tyler makes me feel good because he always makes me laugh. And he makes me feel loved. Even though sometimes he makes me feel horrible about myself, unintentionally /generally/

Nick makes me feel good (you’re probably wondering why i mention him) because he gives me something to look forward to. I don’t know why, but i like seeing him in class. he makes me smile for some reason, unbeknowst to me.

Celeste makes me feel good because she acts like she cares. A lot of people don’t love me enough to even act like they care.

Deven may ignore me to isolation sometimes because of Joren, but she really makes me smile.

John, doesn’t know who I am, but he makes me feel good, becaus ehe is so cute and he gives me someone to /impress/ every day

I have a lot of other friends, but those are the one that impact my life most on a day-to-day basis.

Then my family and my random crushes are squeezed into the other half.

I can tell by the look on your face that you are fascinated

I don’t know what I was expecting. I guess I was expecting a scene from a movie or something. But I guess in relaity stuff like that NEVER happens.

I saw him walking to 2nd hour with Nick, and I turned down the hall that lead to my class. I really don’t know what I was thinking was /going/ to happen. I kind of wanted him to run over and just start talking to me. I know that’s stupid… really stupid the more I think about it. but I don’t know, I guess I just set myself some kind of standards. He didn’t even wave, God, I was just crushed. I mean he’s really not the type to scream out your name and wave around his arms even if he /does/ like you, but still maybe even just a little nod so that I knew he at least noticed me, or looked my way or something. But he just kept walking.

God.

Emotional turmoil.

My friend got back from the Hospital today. I missed her a lot, and we played a long overdue prank on another friend of ours. xD It was a good one too.

Oh, and I don’t think TJ hates me anymore, which really doesn’t matter to me right now. I mean, I’ll probably care a lot tomorrow, but today, I don’t know, I think I was just adjusting to him ignoring me and stuff, and then he waits for me after 4th hour and hugs me and then hugs me again after school. Lauren’s right, men are so confusing.

Ari was absent today. I don’t know why everyone thinks I care so much. I mean I do, I’d be a scrooge not to. But it’s not like the end of the world because he’s sick or anything. Gosh, people are stupid sometimes, XP

Hmm, a lot happened in one day. It really did. That’s quite interesting, because someday’s nothing happens at all.

Here’s a random thought for ya. What makes one day different from another? I mean the sun comes up and goes down the same every day. And it’s the same people, and the same place and generally the same situations.What can make one day, according to these circumstances, amazing and another “the worst day of your life”. I mean what is it? Really, I’d like to know. I really would. What make today any different from yesterday? Or what makes yesterday different from tomorrow? What makes 2 years from now any different than this exact moment?

I think it has less to do with people changing and more to do with ourselves changing. I think it has to do with ourselves and how we grow and how we act. When you really think about it, it all comes down to us, and whether we’ve got the guts or not to keep going.