Man oh man, the things that stick with me. The ghost of Crow is still sort of looming around these days, like one of those secrets in your head you try to quiet but won’t shut up. Well, just another skeleton in my closet of corpses. Things have gotten better be-tween us at least. Sometime the week be-fore last, he called out my name from be-hind me and walked me to seventh hour. Likewise, the Thursday that just passed (what is it with Thursdays and amazing-ness?) he playfully bumped into my side to get my attention and again walked me to class. The same day, he came up to me in the bus loop, touching my chin (being ironic as I sometimes greet people that way) and starting up a conversation with me. However, I’m not really committing myself to him right now. I’m not going to close my heart to every other guy out there for this one who will probably never like me again, and, let’s not forget, really, really hurt me. Unfortunately, there is an overwhelming lack of men at my school who aren’t either stupid, total dicks, boring or taken (and sickeningly enough, the vast majority are all of the above). But oh well, romance is not my main concern right now. I have about four-five hours of homework a night, and am barely keeping my 4.0 GPA. For a while I’ve managed to keep an A in my college class all year so far (even if only by a few points), and brought up my Algebra II grade with some help from my teacher and a few good test grades. Right now, I have all A’s, except for my B in Creative Writing, which, to be honest, seems completely ridiculous to me. She gave me back one of my papers and docked off 20 points be-cause she said she didn’t like my writing style, even though grammatically, and even ideologically, I was right on… I’ll win her over. :] De-spite the fact that I barely ever have the opportunity to talk to them at all, my friends are so supportive. Danny is being just being Danny, in all of his innate awesome-ness. I’ve also be-friended Danny’s buddy Hunter, who is really cool and who I’ve been spending a lot of time with lately (unavoidable since he’s almost always with Danny and Danny’s almost always with me). They both help me a lot with not getting too stressed out with school. I wish I could spend more time with them then I’m reasonably permitted, but I’m just really glad to have them in my life right now. Chris is helping me a lot with my AP course (since he’s taking the same one) and gives me some insight on a lot of the teachers I have now (since he had most of them two years ago). And things are basically going great with all of my close – closer friends (Brie, Spencer, Justin, etc, etc).

The problems I am having are, unfortunately, the two I like to consider “best” friends. Lauren is an obvious one. Ever since late elementary school, we’ve had our issues. It was usually just a matter of her screwing me over and me getting unreasonably mad. I’m not going to go into tons of examples be-cause there are tons for me to choose from, one being her going out with the guy I liked the day after he broke up with me (without asking permission or any of that cordial crap) or when she was hard-core flirting with the guy I had been crushing on for months and made me watch. Those are two that just come to mind immediately and I don’t even really care be-cause they were both soooo long ago (the former in grade 6 and the latter, late grade 7) but she sort of did something similar about a week ago. Not as drastic really, but while we were conversing , she called Crow over (she knows about all the drama be-tween him and me) and gives him this huge hug and starts talking to him. Not wanting to deal with it at all, I just turn and walk away. I’m good at hiding my feelings when I’m really pissed off. Later, I call her out on it, and she starts playing the victim card like I’m the villain here. That wouldn’t have been so bad if she hadn’t had texted both Danny and Lamb to tell them to ask me why I was “mad at her” even though she had already admitted earlier to me what was up. I got pretty bitchy both with her and Lamb. Eventually she apologized and we made amends. Spencer tells me to just give up on her, but I don’t want to. I’ve known her basically since I was born (15 months old or something) and I pretty much grew up at her house, with her family. It’s nice having someone who knows everything about you and understands you, and I don’t want to give that up. Maybe we’ve both changed a lot since grade 4 (when we first started drifting apart), but we always come back to each other in hard, and good times, which makes me think we will be forever intertwined. But I promised myself that this is it. I’m tired of letting people stomp all over me. I think she knows I’m not playing around this time. I’ve been sticking up for myself a lot more lately. I might just be in an endless bad mood on account of getting up too early and doing too much work, but I like to blame the bitchiness on some deep internal change.

And then there’s Katy. I love Katy. She’s probably my closest friend, and definitely my closest girl friend (Goddamn my inability to be-friends females!). But she keeps doing this weird drama thing. And it drives me crazy. I try to ask her advice on things I’m dealing with, but she either a) ignores me, b) says “uh huh” and talks about something more katy-related, or c) re-ports everything I say to at least two other people. This really wouldn’t bother me, but then she gets all pissy with me when I don’t tell her stuff. She often asks me for advice and re-lies on me as a listener, and I’ve re-alized something. She really hates being single, like more than is normal for the romance-obsessed teenage girl. First she goes out with James, a few weeks later Billy, a few DAYS later Dillon (who I introduced her to), then she starts to like this other kid and breaks up with Dillon. When she realized things wouldn’t work out with her new boo, she went back to Dillon within the course of one week. And now she’s flirting with a guy in my creative writing class. I don’t really have a problem with that, that whole new-guy-every-other-moment thing, but she’s usually so enthralled in the drama of it all we can never really have fun like we used to…

Oh well.

I’m really focusing on school right now.

And I’m kinda kicking ass, so, that’s good enough for me.

My days are developing a strange pattern. The earlier hours are dull and uneventful; afternoons are light-hearted and enchanting. After school is usually so depressing, generally be-cause I see Crow, and he keeps doing these little things that make me so frustrated. Like yesterday, for instance, my day was all fine and dandy. My morning was filled with lots of new cute guy, who isn’t as amazing as Crow and definitely cannot replace him in my heart, but is still really nice and funny and who I get along with well. I had some good laughs in a few of my classes and thoroughly enjoyed my lit period, par usual. The day seemed just peachy, especially since I’d barely seen him all day (just a few encounters outside by the portables, where I ignored him and he ignored me). Well, the whole “getting over him” thing still isn’t exactly going as I’d been trying for, and one of the only hopes I’d found is that I could at least assure myself he was not the same guy I gave my heart too. He dressed differently, and talked differently, and smiled differently, and just wasn’t the Crow I’d grown to adore. This new him seemed fake, and artificial. The one I used to know was a loner, philosophical, and mysterious and intelligent. He was passionate and worldly, he had depth, but yet, at the same time, could put a smile on anyone’s face. But since that last day with him, he seemed different. Aloof, and a fake sort of enthusiast, his smile didn’t look genuine like they used to. His eyes no longer sparkled…

But as I come downstairs after seventh hour, I run right into him. He’s literally inches away from me, not an avoidable distance, so I say his name and he turns to me. He neither smiles nor scowls, like I’m unimportant, like he doesn’t even realize who I am or what I once meant to him… “Are you okay?” I ask, be-cause this far-away look is not one I like seeing on him. I’ve seen him upset, I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen what he’s capable of… “Yeah,” he says. And that’s all he says. As I re-call it, it didn’t even sound like him.  Right at this moment, the crowd dissipates in several areas and he moves from me, without catching my eye again, and without even a glance back. He goes to the left, and I go to the right. This encounter’s over apparently. This alone is enough to upset me. I find myself with my head down, staring at people wondering what they see in me. A lonely someone I think, be-cause I can feel it taking over me at that moment. It’s so de-pressing, that I used to mean something to this person, and he used to mean something to me too, and then he just de-cides to walk out of my life, without reason. Maybe I’m looking for what we used to have, but, really, I think I just want closure. Be-cause all of these little maybes keep nagging at my heart. But he doesn’t want to give me any answers; I really don’t think he cares at all. I feel like I should’ve known better, I feel like I should’ve seen this coming and avoided this kid by a mile. But he knew what to say, he knew who to be, he told me lies, and I fell for it.

So I go to my locker and get my books as fast as I can. A few of my friends call my name, but I pretend like I can’t hear them, be-cause there’s just something about seeing other people smiling and laughing when you feel like dying. I go out to the bus stop and, knowing Danny won’t be there, search for Hunter (a friend of Danny’s), be-cause I really just want to hug someone. But I can’t find him, and Lauren’s busy with people so I go to someone who can always make me smile- Joren. Courtney (his girlfriend) isn’t riding the bus home so he’s standing there listening to his iPod and I just go up and we start conversing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Crow approaching us. I turn to face him and we just stare at each other… it breaks my heart to do this, so I turn back to Joren. But I realize Crow’s still staring at me, within touching-distance away. I turn back to him, and the stare-down continues. Finally I say “What?” with a little bit of laughter in my voice, be-cause I’m sure that’s what he’s aiming for. And he smiles. Crap. I haven’t seen him smile like that in so long. And his eyes, they sparkle. And the realization comes to me. He is the same guy I fell for. He’s back in jeans and old sneakers and ruffled t-shirts. He’s optimistic and smiling. And he smiles at me, be-fore turning his attention to Joren, asking him about his day. Joren seems unconcerned and really doesn’t pay too much attention to the conversation, and eventually Crow walks away.

And that, that whole encounter nearly rips my heart in two. Be-cause, I sense that now he knows the power he has over me. He’s just playing games with me, just a joke to him. He says: “Haha, there’s that girl I used to actually give a crap about.” Like it’s something insignificant, and funny.

But, unfortunately, I don’t take it that lightly.

I get on the bus, turn on my music (David Nevue primarily) as loud as it goes, sit by myself to-wards the back, and just can’t stop thinking about him. A few tears escape my eyes and I really hate myself for it. I invest my heart into things. It takes a lot for me to do it, but when I meet someone like that, or stumble across something like that, I give it everything I have. And I hate the my judgment was wrong, yet again. I walk home in silence. I’m so lost in my own world, I walk in front of a car and have to jump to get out of the way in time when I see it coming. I get home, tune my guitar by ear and play until my fingers bleed, be-cause I just don’t want to think about him anymore…

While at work to-day, I feel painfully lethargic; this is out of character for me. I find myself thinking about him, more than I should be. And for once, I turn off my phone, empty my head and just throw myself into my work. My heart does an odd little jump when I realize I’ve finished everything that must be done in two hours, an effort that usually takes me four. I find odd jobs here and there to occupy the re-maining time. More than anything I want to talk to Ms. St. John, be-cause she’s one of my favourite people in the world, but Nicole, one of my co-workers is there and I feel it may be-come awkward if I strike up a conversation. So I stay quiet.

And then an odd sort of revelation overcomes me. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick and tired of letting something as insignificant as a guy get to me like this. Nothing’s going to come of feeling sorry for yourself. By re-membering the past, you’re only fooling yourself, trying to elude that this guy is better than what he actually is. You’re only re-calling the things you love about him, not the things you hated. Forget the good times, they’re gone now. Summer’s over. It’s time to grow up and move on.

It really hit me, hard. I don’t de-serve to be treated like this, to be toyed with, and hurt like this. We had our good times sure, but he’s being an ass about this, and I’m willing to accept that and open my heart up to something different.

It’s high school. Anything can happen. By tying myself down to this guy that can’t give or provide me with anything, I’m only closing the door to dozens of other opportunities.

Those doors are fucking swinging off their hinges now.

Good-by Crow and good fricking riddance.

Last Days of Summer – Silverstein

The bright light beams
From her eyes
Like broken glass
Or a broken heart
Who would have guessed
You’d leave me here
Beneath my eyes
I feel the tears
I hold backI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this way As my legs
start to shake
I feel nothing
I wanted you
I needed you
But you weren’t there
For me this time
Not for meI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this wayYou
That I loved
That I needed
You weren’t there
Not this time
YouWhat should I do?
I was supposed to love you
What should I do?
I won’t leave
What should I do?
I was supposed to love you
I cannot feel youLast breath I feel
Warm air intake
The last summer’s day
Last one I takeI won’t leave, leave this way
I won’t leave
Lost it all for you
I won’t leave
When the shadows beam
Misery remains
I won’t leave this time

I find myself caring less and less the more days that go by. It’s a sad turn of events, but in all honesty, one I be-lieve that had to occur. But, hey, I’ve come to realize lately, the people I thought would’ve left me long ago haven’t, and the ones I thought would be with me until the end aren’t… Goes to show how crappy my intuition is. However, my mind, unfortunately still wanders to that dark place in my brain sectioned off as “CROW” (yeah, he’s got his own fricking de-partment now, what do ya know?!). I was never good at that “getting over it and moving on” thing, but I think I’m making substantial progress. No, that’s a lie, I still can’t forget about him, but I just don’t express the feelings of regret and guilt I feel as openly. Hurrah for all the introverts out there.

In the friends aspect of life, things actually aren’t bad. I’ve still got Katy, which is a blessing. I don’t even care if she’s enthralled in her own life all of the time; as long as she takes me along for the ride (and hopefully lets me ride shotgun) it’s all good. Unfortunately, things could be better be-tween me and Danny / Butter (yeah, yeah, I said it). We were really close over the summer but now I feel like I’m sort of losing the bond I once had with him… Things are fantastic with Brie and I actually, which is both surprising and re-freshing. It seems like the only friend-esque moments I have with her are when we’re both crying our eyes out, but lately we’ve been having a great time, laughing a lot and sharing a lot of sweet moments. Things are just as they always are with Spencer, and, God, I wouldn’t change a thing about it. I love the relationship I have with him. Justin’s been helping me sort through some stuff lately which I also appreciate. So, well, if this whole Crow thing has taught me anything (be-sides not being so giving with my heart in the future), it’s which of my friends I can trust and rely on. In addition to the Power Five, I’ve been spending a lot more time lately with Caroline which is so great be-cause we always get along and she’s a great listener. And, well, the best and worst part of all of this is Lauren… I’ve really missed having her in my life, and it didn’t really seem like she wanted me in it either most of last year. But now, she’s putting an effort into it, which isn’t expected of her. But, I like it. She’s like my sister after all, and we can always find common ground. Sometimes it’s kind of nice to be with someone who knows everything about you without having to have anything explained to them. I really want to make our friendship work this time (again; I know I’ve said that be-fore) but this whole Crow thing has me walking on egg shells. I thought him and I were going somewhere, and we were, just, ya know, turns out it was a dead end. I really don’t want to go through it again. I can’t re-member ever hurting about something this badly for so long.

And you know what they say:

“Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

The only way to describe how I’m feeling right now is scared. No other word fits or feels comfortable and correct there. I’m scared for my family, I’m scared for my friends, for a change, I’m even scared for myself. My mind keeps going to that dark place I try and keep it away from, and I can’t stop myself from worrying. I feel anxious and apprehensive about everything. My fucking hands won’t stop shaking.

I keep trying to get my mind off of everything. Usually going to work is enough to do that for me. I’ve been at St. John’s for almost a year now and I really love it there. To-day, I threw myself into my work, turned off my phone and went at it, full boar, crying a lot of the time. But it didn’t work. I couldn’t get any of it off my brain.

First of all, things with Crow are just getting worse and worse. Not only did I find out he had Mercer Disease (http://mercerdisease.org/) (not a big deal for me, but it’s still something I feel like I kind of should’ve known about especially since he’s had it for a few months now) , I also am be-ginning to think he likes one of my best friends, Lauren. Justin and I were talking about it, and I actually started tearing up. I don’t cry in front of people. Ever. I held it back, but he felt bad and didn’t know what to say. Like, this thing with Crow has gone on too long. I want to get over it and move on, but I feel like I can’t leave something this perfect, just, well, sitting here. It’s like leaving half way through a really good movie. You just can’t do it without looking back over your shoulder at least once.

And things with my best friend, Butter, and I are not good. He wants to get back to-gether with this dead end girl who totally broke his heart. We’ve been fighting a lot lately. I’m not telling him what to do, only listing the pros and cons (but mostly the cons) about being with her, but he doesn’t seem to care. Did I mention she hates me? Yeah. It’s like he’s just willing to throw away our friendship. Not cool man.

I’m sure I could have put this more eloquently, but I’m feeling so anxious and jittery now I can barely formulate correct words. I literally typed this in like five minutes, all the thoughts are racing through my head at an otherworldly pace and I can feel my breath speeding up with it.

Goddammit, I shouldn’t be scared, about any of this, or nervous or whatever but I can’t help it. I’m fucking terrified of where this is all headed.

Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

Where did all these guys come from? Last year I was having a dry spell of boys, maybe because I was so in love with Pumpkin I really didn’t open my heart to anyone else…

But now that I don’t see Pumpkin much anymore, it’s like the guys are just coming in.

First we have my closest guy friend Butter (hehe, remember him). I was pretty sure he liked my best, Lauren (guys usually do) until I realized while he was giving me a piggy-back ride, he looked up at me with those unmistakable kiss me eyes. I immediately jumped off because it scared me and then later while I was talking to my friend Maggie she said this girl (who is in love with Butter) said she was jealous of me because she was so convinced Butter liked me. It made my heart do that awkward bu-bump. I was just like, wait, I thought he liked Lauren. Don’t all guys like Lauren? And then I realized, he does wait an outrageously long time for me at my locker and goes out of his way so he can see me between classes, and today when we were at the bus loop, he hugged me a little closer and a little longer, and held my hands like he’d never let go. And I got scared and left. Maybe he’s just being nice because I can’t remember the last time a cute guy liked me.

But that’s no the end of it. I was on the bus, and my bud Jon mentioned how he thought our friend Kyle liked me. My heart did that bu-bump thing again. And I just said: “Huh? No I don’t think so…” but Jon seemed pretty convinced.

And then there’s one of my ex’s from last year who flat out told me he wanted a second chance with me and how he thought I was cute and smart and different than everyone else but he just liked my friend a few weeks ago so I don’t take him very seriously.

And there’s another one in my 3^rd hour. I can’t honestly tell if he likes me or not (I don’t think so) but, I just think he’s sort of cute. And he’s on my possible crush-material list. He flirts with me a little and mentions when he thinks I look cute. He does me little favors here and there, and is always totally sweet. We talk about a lot of different things and we totally click. But I super, majorly, doubt he likes me.

And suddenly there are four of them.

And there are actually about four more guys plus that who have been flirting with me lately.

Crazy? Is it my new mascara? Am I just imagining it?

And I really am trying super hard to get over Pumpkin, but I’ve always been slow with that. But lately I’ve found myself missing him less and less. I still think he’s brilliant and good company, but I’m wondering if he’s worth it. I’ll leave it to fate. A little serendipity never hurt anyone?

And overall today was good. During second hour, me and Caroline were sitting alone in a classroom, barefoot, drinking coke and we got bored and it started raining very hard. So we ran outside and played tag in the pouring ran, screaming, jumping in puddles and running around all the outside portable. It was really fun and we were thoroughly drenched when we got to 3^rd hour. I got a 96 on my History test and my history teacher told me how he thought I was genius, and how proud he was of me and that I’d accomplished so much and that my creativity and insight was beyond my years… And I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say. Also the results of the school election came n today, and I won the much-coveted “Secretary” position I was campaigning for. Amazing. I also have plans for the weekend. I’ll probably be hanging with Deven and possibly Lauren. Such a nice change of pace.

But life has been different and good. 8^th grade is not as magical as 7^th grade, but it’s better than it originally appeared to be.

Today was horrible. Usually I censor everything on my blog because i don’t want people from school to read it and think i’m crazy, or fishing for compliments or anything, but today sucked so badly, I just want to bang my head into the wall.

It started off yesterday, when I began a new episode of paranoia, or maybe not so much paranoia as actuality. My friends were all leaving me behind, the ones that did still talk to me only did so because they needed or wanted soemthing, or because they felt they had to. A hug isn’t a hug unless you truly mean it. So it was yesterday I started to realize, man, I don’t have a true friend, it’s because I’m not good enough? That’s what I was honestly doubting. I don’t like being wrong, so I began to blame other people again. Oh, they’ve just been busy, or maybe something’s going on with them that I don’t know about… And I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 But today was icing on the cake.

I was walking with Kyle to lunch, and his loser little friends walked up. “Omigod! Is that you’re girlfriend?” (Wow, what morons) So Kyle thought it’d be funny to say yes. So they started freaking out and one of his buds (the blond one) was like: “oh well, you’re girlfriend’s really ugly…” I turned around and yelled: “Excuse me? You know I’m right here in ear shot right? You could give me a hell of a lot more respect since I’m old enough to be your babysitter!” And he put up his hands like I was about to hit him and said, “No offense” Oh really? Really? No offense? How could I /possibly/ take that personally? So I ditched Kyle and went and sat with Lauren and Deven who were in deep converse (who 2 months ago couldn’t look at eachother without spitting on the other’s shoes). I sat down and felt a little ignored but tried to let it go. I should be happy my two besties were getting along right? So we all went in line and I was so right depressed I just sat down with Crystalyn at the table next to the lunch line. And I expected for Lauren and Deven to come and get me after they got their food right? They came, said Hi to everyone at the table, and left. Left, so sick. My two supposed best friends. But the two prettiest girls in school /first/. So I felt a little forgotten, you know? And I didn’t really belong at that table, and I didn’t belong with Lauren and Deven. So where was I supposed to go? Half of me wanted to call my mom and tell her to take me home. But the other half knew that was dumb. She’s worse than all my problems put together. So I roughed it out. Like a rickety little boat on the skirts of a hurricane. And it sucks.

And after lunch I was still a little mad. i thought Tyler was going to cheer me up, make me feel better. But when he saw I wasn’t Deven or Lauren, he blatantly ignored me. Looked me right in the eye, and cut me off but didn’t say a word.

And I saw Pumpkin after 4th hour, and usually that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. But he just yelled at me because I didn’t come get him out of his 2nd hour like I said I would (and I tried!) and when I was talking with him, he sped ahead and talked louder, draining out my voice. So I continued quietly to 5th hour. From there on in, things were okay. Nothing else horrible happened.

 And it wasn’t all that horrible, just the concept of horrible.

Overall, today, genuinally, sincerely and truly sucked.

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

So me and Cookie broke it off. We agreed that since he was graduating it would be better if we cooled it off. We never really talked anyways, I felt like I was with a stranger when I was with. He’s the absolute opposite of what I’m looking for in a guy. I can’t say I’m geuinlly depressed, because I’m not, sure I’ll kind of miss the ncie things he said about me, but when i think about Courtney said, I think she was right, it felt like he was just feeding me lines. Summer’s a time to relax and enjoy life, and I plan to do just that.

Me and Butter have been texting back and forth all day. On the last day of school (yesterday) he left 5 minutes after he got to school, and I didn’t get a chance to say good-by. After he left, my phone started vibrating, but I figured it was Cookie texting me, so I didn’t pick up, it was actually Butter calling to say good-by! I called him back, and we talked for a few minutes before the first bell rang. Here’s how the texts followed:

Me: Hey kid! Butter: Hey wats up Me: Aw man. I wish I could’ve said good-by. Butter: i no. same here. i couldn’t find you yesterday morning. i was mad that I couldn’t say good-by but we have to hang out this summer. Me: Haha. Yea. I broke up with my bf, so me, you, lauren, and joren could hang at the mall sometime, and if ur ever in [my neighborhood], come by my house! Butter: Why? And hell yea, now I can come to the mall with you people

it goes on. but that was the most interesting.

for a while, iw as wearing my favorite pair of jeans and getting people to sign them, and Butter wrote: ‘I love you’ so sweet.

Anyways, enough about boys. My blog used to be so interesting, I used to write about life concepts and world issues, now I write just like any other teen. I will try to return to my mature state of mind. I’ve just been a little cluttered lately.

Well, today I went to an antique show. Me and my dad went over to this bench and he started talking, and he reminded me so much of Johny Nolan from a tree grows in Brooklyn, my mother actually remind sme of Katie, Johny’s wife, and my dad said I was always like Francie, the daughter. If all this is true, am I but a character in a book? If you’ve ever read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, you know Johny dies when Francie is 14. I’ve always ahd the premonition that my dad would die young, and that I would die about 4 years after him. WIll he die next year? Is he just a character in a book? Are we all but characters in sad stories?

I think everyone’s life would make a decent story. Can you imagine? Reading everyone’s life stories? How amazing would that be?