My days are developing a strange pattern. The earlier hours are dull and uneventful; afternoons are light-hearted and enchanting. After school is usually so depressing, generally be-cause I see Crow, and he keeps doing these little things that make me so frustrated. Like yesterday, for instance, my day was all fine and dandy. My morning was filled with lots of new cute guy, who isn’t as amazing as Crow and definitely cannot replace him in my heart, but is still really nice and funny and who I get along with well. I had some good laughs in a few of my classes and thoroughly enjoyed my lit period, par usual. The day seemed just peachy, especially since I’d barely seen him all day (just a few encounters outside by the portables, where I ignored him and he ignored me). Well, the whole “getting over him” thing still isn’t exactly going as I’d been trying for, and one of the only hopes I’d found is that I could at least assure myself he was not the same guy I gave my heart too. He dressed differently, and talked differently, and smiled differently, and just wasn’t the Crow I’d grown to adore. This new him seemed fake, and artificial. The one I used to know was a loner, philosophical, and mysterious and intelligent. He was passionate and worldly, he had depth, but yet, at the same time, could put a smile on anyone’s face. But since that last day with him, he seemed different. Aloof, and a fake sort of enthusiast, his smile didn’t look genuine like they used to. His eyes no longer sparkled…

But as I come downstairs after seventh hour, I run right into him. He’s literally inches away from me, not an avoidable distance, so I say his name and he turns to me. He neither smiles nor scowls, like I’m unimportant, like he doesn’t even realize who I am or what I once meant to him… “Are you okay?” I ask, be-cause this far-away look is not one I like seeing on him. I’ve seen him upset, I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen what he’s capable of… “Yeah,” he says. And that’s all he says. As I re-call it, it didn’t even sound like him.  Right at this moment, the crowd dissipates in several areas and he moves from me, without catching my eye again, and without even a glance back. He goes to the left, and I go to the right. This encounter’s over apparently. This alone is enough to upset me. I find myself with my head down, staring at people wondering what they see in me. A lonely someone I think, be-cause I can feel it taking over me at that moment. It’s so de-pressing, that I used to mean something to this person, and he used to mean something to me too, and then he just de-cides to walk out of my life, without reason. Maybe I’m looking for what we used to have, but, really, I think I just want closure. Be-cause all of these little maybes keep nagging at my heart. But he doesn’t want to give me any answers; I really don’t think he cares at all. I feel like I should’ve known better, I feel like I should’ve seen this coming and avoided this kid by a mile. But he knew what to say, he knew who to be, he told me lies, and I fell for it.

So I go to my locker and get my books as fast as I can. A few of my friends call my name, but I pretend like I can’t hear them, be-cause there’s just something about seeing other people smiling and laughing when you feel like dying. I go out to the bus stop and, knowing Danny won’t be there, search for Hunter (a friend of Danny’s), be-cause I really just want to hug someone. But I can’t find him, and Lauren’s busy with people so I go to someone who can always make me smile- Joren. Courtney (his girlfriend) isn’t riding the bus home so he’s standing there listening to his iPod and I just go up and we start conversing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Crow approaching us. I turn to face him and we just stare at each other… it breaks my heart to do this, so I turn back to Joren. But I realize Crow’s still staring at me, within touching-distance away. I turn back to him, and the stare-down continues. Finally I say “What?” with a little bit of laughter in my voice, be-cause I’m sure that’s what he’s aiming for. And he smiles. Crap. I haven’t seen him smile like that in so long. And his eyes, they sparkle. And the realization comes to me. He is the same guy I fell for. He’s back in jeans and old sneakers and ruffled t-shirts. He’s optimistic and smiling. And he smiles at me, be-fore turning his attention to Joren, asking him about his day. Joren seems unconcerned and really doesn’t pay too much attention to the conversation, and eventually Crow walks away.

And that, that whole encounter nearly rips my heart in two. Be-cause, I sense that now he knows the power he has over me. He’s just playing games with me, just a joke to him. He says: “Haha, there’s that girl I used to actually give a crap about.” Like it’s something insignificant, and funny.

But, unfortunately, I don’t take it that lightly.

I get on the bus, turn on my music (David Nevue primarily) as loud as it goes, sit by myself to-wards the back, and just can’t stop thinking about him. A few tears escape my eyes and I really hate myself for it. I invest my heart into things. It takes a lot for me to do it, but when I meet someone like that, or stumble across something like that, I give it everything I have. And I hate the my judgment was wrong, yet again. I walk home in silence. I’m so lost in my own world, I walk in front of a car and have to jump to get out of the way in time when I see it coming. I get home, tune my guitar by ear and play until my fingers bleed, be-cause I just don’t want to think about him anymore…

While at work to-day, I feel painfully lethargic; this is out of character for me. I find myself thinking about him, more than I should be. And for once, I turn off my phone, empty my head and just throw myself into my work. My heart does an odd little jump when I realize I’ve finished everything that must be done in two hours, an effort that usually takes me four. I find odd jobs here and there to occupy the re-maining time. More than anything I want to talk to Ms. St. John, be-cause she’s one of my favourite people in the world, but Nicole, one of my co-workers is there and I feel it may be-come awkward if I strike up a conversation. So I stay quiet.

And then an odd sort of revelation overcomes me. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick and tired of letting something as insignificant as a guy get to me like this. Nothing’s going to come of feeling sorry for yourself. By re-membering the past, you’re only fooling yourself, trying to elude that this guy is better than what he actually is. You’re only re-calling the things you love about him, not the things you hated. Forget the good times, they’re gone now. Summer’s over. It’s time to grow up and move on.

It really hit me, hard. I don’t de-serve to be treated like this, to be toyed with, and hurt like this. We had our good times sure, but he’s being an ass about this, and I’m willing to accept that and open my heart up to something different.

It’s high school. Anything can happen. By tying myself down to this guy that can’t give or provide me with anything, I’m only closing the door to dozens of other opportunities.

Those doors are fucking swinging off their hinges now.

Good-by Crow and good fricking riddance.

Last Days of Summer – Silverstein

The bright light beams
From her eyes
Like broken glass
Or a broken heart
Who would have guessed
You’d leave me here
Beneath my eyes
I feel the tears
I hold backI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this way As my legs
start to shake
I feel nothing
I wanted you
I needed you
But you weren’t there
For me this time
Not for meI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this wayYou
That I loved
That I needed
You weren’t there
Not this time
YouWhat should I do?
I was supposed to love you
What should I do?
I won’t leave
What should I do?
I was supposed to love you
I cannot feel youLast breath I feel
Warm air intake
The last summer’s day
Last one I takeI won’t leave, leave this way
I won’t leave
Lost it all for you
I won’t leave
When the shadows beam
Misery remains
I won’t leave this time

So me and Cookie broke it off. We agreed that since he was graduating it would be better if we cooled it off. We never really talked anyways, I felt like I was with a stranger when I was with. He’s the absolute opposite of what I’m looking for in a guy. I can’t say I’m geuinlly depressed, because I’m not, sure I’ll kind of miss the ncie things he said about me, but when i think about Courtney said, I think she was right, it felt like he was just feeding me lines. Summer’s a time to relax and enjoy life, and I plan to do just that.

Me and Butter have been texting back and forth all day. On the last day of school (yesterday) he left 5 minutes after he got to school, and I didn’t get a chance to say good-by. After he left, my phone started vibrating, but I figured it was Cookie texting me, so I didn’t pick up, it was actually Butter calling to say good-by! I called him back, and we talked for a few minutes before the first bell rang. Here’s how the texts followed:

Me: Hey kid! Butter: Hey wats up Me: Aw man. I wish I could’ve said good-by. Butter: i no. same here. i couldn’t find you yesterday morning. i was mad that I couldn’t say good-by but we have to hang out this summer. Me: Haha. Yea. I broke up with my bf, so me, you, lauren, and joren could hang at the mall sometime, and if ur ever in [my neighborhood], come by my house! Butter: Why? And hell yea, now I can come to the mall with you people

it goes on. but that was the most interesting.

for a while, iw as wearing my favorite pair of jeans and getting people to sign them, and Butter wrote: ‘I love you’ so sweet.

Anyways, enough about boys. My blog used to be so interesting, I used to write about life concepts and world issues, now I write just like any other teen. I will try to return to my mature state of mind. I’ve just been a little cluttered lately.

Well, today I went to an antique show. Me and my dad went over to this bench and he started talking, and he reminded me so much of Johny Nolan from a tree grows in Brooklyn, my mother actually remind sme of Katie, Johny’s wife, and my dad said I was always like Francie, the daughter. If all this is true, am I but a character in a book? If you’ve ever read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, you know Johny dies when Francie is 14. I’ve always ahd the premonition that my dad would die young, and that I would die about 4 years after him. WIll he die next year? Is he just a character in a book? Are we all but characters in sad stories?

I think everyone’s life would make a decent story. Can you imagine? Reading everyone’s life stories? How amazing would that be?

hmm, i find myself thinking about Cookie nearly nonstoply. I just can’t wait until I can see him before school, after 3rd, 4th hour and after school in all. I can’t believe he is graduating in all but 3 days!!! :[ He is soooo sweet, I just wish I could see him more. I learned something interesting about him, he’s actually only 9 months older than me. Hell, that’s nothing. His birthday is March 4th (if I remember correctly). *sigh* i don’t get to see him for another 15 minutes… 15 WHOLE minutes, i feel like I’m just staring at the clock waiting for it to change…

We don’t even ride the same bus, although we do live within  20-minute walking distance from eachother.

I haven’t told my parents about him yet. If I do, they’re going to overreact because he’s in 8th grade (soon to be highschooler). I’m pretty much allowed to hang out with anyone I want whenever I want. Even if it’s some 16 year-old guy that I “supposedly” am friends with, I’m free to do as I choose. But as soon as any boy is my “boyfriend” my parents label him off. They’re going to assume we’re off doing something stupid, and they won’t let me hang out with him in the neighborhood, at parties, or at the mall. Therefor I need to make Cookie seem like nothing more than a friend, otherwise, we are doomed to a most boring love life…

Me, him, Lauren and her boyfriend Joren will probably spend a lot of time at the mall with eachother. I hope so, I’m going to miss Cookie incredibly unless I seem him everyday, all day. :]

Despite this… I had so much fun with Pumpkin in 3rd hour today. (He even let me wear his jacket!!) hmm, although I like Cookie a lot, I cannot avoid the fact that I am totally, absolutely in love with someone else. :[ I feel like Pumpkin was made for me, and I was made for him. I’d do anything for him, but he’ll never feel the same (as far as Middle School goes)

 I like Cookie a lot, but can I lie and say I love him?? Love takes time to grow, and despite that Pumpkin is so possitively perfect, he’s also fairly unattainable. Cookie is for the here and now, but I have a feeling, Pumpkin is for the long-run.

I had a weird dream last night. It contained a few people. There was me, Ari, Joren, Tyler, and a lot of other people. If dreams truly are things you tink about before you sleep, I have no idea WHAT I was thinking. I was back in my elementary school cafeteria. And I went in the lunch line and I decided to get a bowl of pudding so I took the pudding and the line was really long so I ate the pudding and then when I was about to throw it away but the lunch lady said i needed to pay for it. But I didn’t have any money. So she said I could go get money from one of my friends. But if I wasn’t back in 10 minutes that I’d turn into a pumpkin. So I left and asked Deven for some money but she didn’t have any, and she was all crying. But I didn’t have any time so I figured I’d see what was wrong later. Then I asked Ari. But he just started hugging me and he wouldn’t let go. So I kind of draged him around on my quest for money. Then I asked Tyler, and then I moved my hand or something and I hit Joren’s butt, and this girl (that i think is in my gym) was sitting on his lap and they were making out. It was kind of random, and he was like “CHLOE!” and he was really mad. (who wouldn’t be?)

but then he punched me and he missed because i turned into a pumpkin and smashed (Smashing Pumpkins maybe?) to the ground and then Tyler was like “I ♥ Pumpkin Pie! ^^” and his dialouge popped over his head like in an anime series.

It was so weird.

And at dinner I thought of soemthing kind of funny in a silly way. Dad asked me what I wanted for dessert and I said “Gopher please,” (i was out of it) here comes the funny part, then i said: “I could really Go Fer Some Gopher!”

XD

Well, anyways, I finished that book I was reading. Now I’m going to read this series about Vampires (my sister suggested it). I’m not sure which comes first in the series but I know the names are Twilight, Eclipse and New Moon (i think)

And Courtney: I bought 5 Blaqk Audio songs on iTunes. (*I like them!) My favorite is Again, Again and Again, but I aslo bought Stiff Kittens, Semiotic Love, The Love Letter and Snuff On Digital

There is a new guy I really like. To spare you the confusion we will name him Pumpkin. I’d never thought I’d like a guy like him.

I mean no kidding, I hated him last year,  would’ve tossed him off a cliff if I had the chance. But he’s changed a lot. He really has.

I talk about him enough to fill a 6 foot deep hole. (to my friends anyways)

He talks to me too. Usually at lunch and 3rd hour. But a lot in 6th hour. Sometimes we talk about stupid stuff like our hair or candycanes, or turtles or Evan. Sometimes we talk about really serious stuff. We both hate fake people. That’s our one similar trait. We talk about phonies all the time, we talk about people we think our real. Sometimes we even talk about people we like or our family. Sometimes he acts like he cares about me, and other times he’s like Chloe, why don’t you go jump off a bridge (not out loud but I can tell he’s thinking it)

On a day to day basis he asks me if his hair is okay. Sometimes I say yes (if it is) and sometimes I say no(if it isn’t) If I say no, he’ll either a) shake it out b) pull out his can of hairspray he carries with him or (my favorite) c) ask me to fix it. He knows I am a hair expert and I really do appreciate that he trusts his sacred hair to me.

At lunch, sometimes he will sit next to me, sometimes we will spend the whole 25 minutes talking about fake people. I mean it bothers the hell out of both of us. After lunch, sometimes he will walk with me and Deven and Joren, sometimes when Deven and Joren pull ahead to be alone, he will walk with me (this is on very rare occasion). When we get to our lockers, sometimes he will wait at mine and talk to me, sometimes I will wait at his and talk to him. Sometimes before class starts he sits behind me and drinks my vitamin water and we talk some more. We do that alot. Sometimes during class I will look over at him and see he is looking at me and he mouths “Hi” and I roll my eyes.

Once, we got partnered up for a few days in 3rd hour. Just me and him. We talked a LOT then. He sat across from me. I had my legs spread out kind of in a V shape (but not in a gross way or anything) and he put up his feet on my chair between my legs. It felt kind of weird but good too. We sat like that for about 10 minutes, before I pushed his feet down. He didn’t protest either.

He knows me by first name which is a lot more than most people can say. He actually announced to the world in 6th hour that we were friends, which really caught people off guard because it was kind of random. We were outside working in the garden, and he was like “Chloe, hey, Chloe” from a few feet away. I looked at him and he said, “We’re friends right?” And I was so suprised I could only nod my head.

He sits with me nearly every day in Science, sometimes to copy my answers, other times because the girl who sits next to him is annoying him or he wants to talk. So many reasons.

Once, I gave him a sip out of my Coke and he said “I love you,” Dude, I could’ve died right then and there. Then in Science, he was sitting behind me, and he pokes me with his pencil. Then he says “We’re best friends right?” And I’m like “Uh, I guess,” then he reaches out to give me a high 5. I expected him to phyce me out but what was I supposed to do. So I gave him a High 5 but he didn’t phyce me out. He’s a random little boy.

I mean honestly, I don’t like him because he’s hot (I won’t try to deny it, and say he’s not hot but I still like him. I mean, he’s really hot. I’m kind of stupid for liking someone so good-looking) I think he’s really smart, and we could have a good intellectual conversation. And he’s funny and I really appreciate how true to himself he is. And plus, even though he is so goolooking it’s not like he goes out wih every girl he can. He has maybe 2-4 girlfriends a year. And that doesn’t seem so crazy to me really.

He’s the kind of guy I can imagine myself marrying some day. I can’t really see him going out with me, becaus elike I said he is very good looking. Maybe if I was prettier, or more popular or something. Maybe in another world, or maybe in this world if everyone went out with people because of personalities instead of looks he’d go out with me. We really do have matching personalities. Too bad he’d never go out with me. And just when I think I have a chance with him, I think about what people would say to him. It wouldn’t last long. Not at all. It really wouldn’t

I went out with my friends yesterday and we got our nails done and then we went to Blondies (this resteraunt where I live) And I just kept talking about him (Pumpkin) Courtney doesn’t know I like him. God, I thought she’d figure it out by now. I was with Cristina and Celeste(who know I like him), and Caroline and Courtney (who don’t know). And Courtney actually said: “You know, you really are like a female Pumpkin. I hear you guys talking and it just kills me how alike you guys are” I really took that to heart. Maybe one day when we’re old and looks don’t matter anymore we’ll get married. Haha. If that happened, it’d really kill me. It really would just kill me.

I’ve dedicated the song “Chemistry of a Car Crash” to him. Everytime I hear it I think of Pumpkin. Maybe because of that one line: “You are the rights I’ll never known”. That’s actually one of his  favorite bands. We have similar music taste. He also like Underoath which is definitely in my top 10. (1. The Killers, 2. Shiny Toy Guns, 3. Fall Out Boy (classic), 4. Panic! At the Disco, 5. The Academy Is…, 6. Paramore, 7. Hellogoodbye, 8. Underoath, 9. Taking Back Sunday, 10. The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus are my top ten actually)

I’m a big believer in karma so I’ll end it at if it’s meant to be it will be.

I can see I’m boring you to tears. Later, Chloe’ out.

If someone could make a diagram of my heart, probably about half would be donated to my best friends. They keep my insanity. Each one has their own trait that makes me feel good.

Cristina makes me feel good, maybe because she listens to me. Sometimes I feel like nobody’s ever listening to me. I feel like i talk but no one can hear me, and the few that can just don’t care enough  to say/do anything.

Courtney makes me feel good because she can relate to me. Because we have so much in common, she really knows how to give good advice.

Alex makes me feel good because she laughs at me (sometimes in the good way, sometimes in the bad way). Sometimes she gives me those weird “What the heck” looks that only /she/ can give, but she always laughs when I make a funny, which makes me feel special because i feel like my purpose in life is to make people happy. 

Ari makes me feel good, because he keeps life interesting. Just um /interesting/

Tyler makes me feel good because he always makes me laugh. And he makes me feel loved. Even though sometimes he makes me feel horrible about myself, unintentionally /generally/

Nick makes me feel good (you’re probably wondering why i mention him) because he gives me something to look forward to. I don’t know why, but i like seeing him in class. he makes me smile for some reason, unbeknowst to me.

Celeste makes me feel good because she acts like she cares. A lot of people don’t love me enough to even act like they care.

Deven may ignore me to isolation sometimes because of Joren, but she really makes me smile.

John, doesn’t know who I am, but he makes me feel good, becaus ehe is so cute and he gives me someone to /impress/ every day

I have a lot of other friends, but those are the one that impact my life most on a day-to-day basis.

Then my family and my random crushes are squeezed into the other half.

I can tell by the look on your face that you are fascinated