Hey, I haven’t been blogging much, mostly because lately I’ve been keeping a diary (well, mostly because boy mentioned below, who I will call Diamond [majorly because he wants a nifty nickname and I’m looking at a tree right now which reminds me of Green which reminds me of the book Green Angel, which remind me of Diamond…]) And like I’ve said before, I can never really keep both a blog and a diary going at the same time, and no one’s really commented on my last few posts anyways but I’ll do my best to fill you in.

 Well, starting with Diamond, I haven’t talked to him a whole lot, only occasionally and on a strict “friend” basis. Which is sort of poo, because he added a little excitment to my evenings.

Moving on, Lauren (my best friend everrrrrrrrrr)’s birthday is today. We’re celebrating it tomorrow, by going to the mall. Her mom works right next to the mall, so she’s going to drop us off, come by on lunch break to eat with us and then leave again for work. It will be really fun. :]

Today is a little exciting and a little dissappointing. But before I can go into it, I must tell you about my latest object of affection. I think I’ve mentioned him once or twice, so I might as well nickname him Tadpole (:D) Well, Tadpole is pretty funny, actually he’s really funny, and he’s a musical genious. Blue eyes, curly brown hair, skinny and decently cute. Well, I told him he could come over today to fix my drumset (like I said, he’s a music guru, and my hi-hat’s broken, so he said he’d come over, fix it, and go ahead and tune it). But he agreed, and I sent him the details via email. Of course, right after, he began to pretend to be mad at me, which got me a little mad, because now I have to wait another week to get my drums fixed. >:[. So he’s a no-show, demonstrating the dissappointed air of this blog. However, we do have company over (my grandparents and my dad’s best friend John) so my mom made lots of good food and stuff. I’ve sort of thrown myself in here though. It’s funny, my mom said Lauren could come over but I put a good amount of faith in Tadpole. Oh well. It’s just a little awkward when it’s one kid and five 50+ adults. But I do like Tadpole, actually a great deal. He’s funny, random, musical, sweet and just overall fun to be around.

But then there’s Pumpkin. I slap myself on the wrist for still liking him, but I can’t really get over it. Him and his girlfriend broke up, but I don’t have any classes with him, so it’s hard to find an excuse to talk to him. I’m going ask Tyler if he wants to hang out with me and Deven (or someone) and ask Pumpkin if he would like to tag along. I just miss talking to him. A lot. And it hurts a lot, because I know it’s only wishful thinking. But, and anyone, even those who don’t support it, can back me up on this. Me and Pumpkin do in fact have a lot in common. The way we act, the way we present ourselves, our music, our attitude, or perspective on life. But Caroline said it first, Maybe we have too much in common? So that it could possibly become a chore? I’m not sure about that.

I’m not sure what else to talk about, but a whole lot has happened since the last time I blogged. I’ll try to blog at least once a week now, but no promises.

<3

I feel pretty dissapointed in myself tonight. And I hate myself for complaining about it, but I need to write it down somewhere before I forget what I’m feeling. That boy I talked about in below post? We’ve been talking a bit on AIM, but mostly awkward one-liners like Hey, How are you? Or something along those lines. And I was thinking, wow, he’s really trying hard, maybe soemthing good will work out for me?

But evident by his blog (hmm) it’s not like that. I don’t want to go into it. It’s nothing that cut my heart open and tore out my soul nothing as dramatic. Besides, I’ve never even met this kid.

But it got me thinking, maybe too much. I sort of hate it when I get my hopes up like this. And I was thinking about all the times I’ve been let down by people whom I figured to be important. Everyone’s let me down at least once, sometimes unintentionally, and other times completely on purpose. Why do I even trust people anymore? There’s obviously no point in it.

And somehow he stumbled upon my last blog post, thanks a lot Deven. And I really hope he won’t end up reading this one. This is my quiet place. The only quiet place, the only sanctuary I can find in this crazy, not-so-real world.

And I hate that I got so excited for yet another thing that did not work out for me.

And for some reason he still wants to hang out with me. I hope he’s not sympathizing for me. Right now, I don’t even want to leave the house. It’s like when everyone’s looking you up and down like they know something. And you don’t even know what it is? I want to forget about him, bury it. I can’t even be myself around him because I’m so nervous. Why am I so nervous? For what? There’s  nothing to be nervous for. I’m just like him in that way. We’re both human beings. We both tell our mom and dad good night and roll around in bed a while before falling asleep. Dreaming maybe? It seems impossible, but we’re all connected in that way.

We’re all alike.

But we’re all different.

I just really hate that I thought, even after I was so blatantly ignored by Pumpkin I could find someone special in a day?

Sure.

Because that always happens for me.

I was being fesecious if you couldn’t tell.

I don’t want to talk anymore, because I’m getting more and more mad as I write and I don’t want to boil over.

Boil over,

I haven’t done that in a while. But I’m so mad at myself right now. So dissappointed that I could be so stupid.

And I hate it even more that I’m complaining! I want to be the one who I pretend to be. Who’s always happy, and makes people smile. Because isn’t that my purpose? To make people happy? I’m less sure every day. I seem to be doing it a lot less lately. I seem to just give them more problems.

And maybe that’s why I don’t believe in anything anymore?

Because I’m afraid I’ll get hurt again?

My stupid ego. I hate it sometimes.

I want to start over so badly. Move somewhere and change my name where no one knows me and I can be someone new? How nice that would be. And I don’t even mind calling myself a coward. Because I’m running away, I tend to do that when my problems become to intricate to figure out. Run away from the problem. Forget about it. Bury it.

And I’m slowly graduating to boiling point. So I need to leave and take a breather before I do something dumb.

Deven (my bestie) was so thrilled by this idea. haha. so, to please her, i thought i’d follow through. If you’ve got nothing better to do, read through these profiles and say which guys and girls you think belong together. :] To spare our romantic identities, I’ll give us the names of the FF12 characters ^o^

Ashe: girl: a little over the top sometimes. smart, creative, stubborn and hard-headed. She has two modes, off-the-wall hyper and down-in-the-dumps serenity. She’s a good secret keeper. She keeps mostly to herself, but will spread some wisdom now and then. She thinks a lot, and she’s a lot more depressed than she may appear. Maybe not depressed, but she thinks a lot, and about everything. She probably knows too much for her own good. She’s incredibly smart and super-duper creative and artistic.

Fran: girl: deeper than most people think she is. She looks likes a little softy and she’s generally quiet, but she thinks a lot. No one can ever really tell what she’s thinking, because she never even tells her bests what’s going on 100% of the time. Guys are generally worshipping the ground she walks on, because she’s super pretty and super approachable. She’s fairly aloof, but a lot of fun when she’s in the mood to be.

Penelo: girl: totally different than the light she gives off. She acts like a perfect, innocnent, charming, little angel, but there’s a trouble-maker under her cover. Her brain never stops contemplating the possibilities, and it seems like her mood is just a matter of the interval of cheerfulness. She’s perky without being annoying, sweet without being overbearing. She’s a perfect combination of all the right qualities. Guys generally go to her too because she has that “I’m  cute and nerdy at the same time” look to her.

Basch: guy: cer-azee. He’s always up for a fun time and will kill for a little adventure. He grew up in less than desirable conditions but is seemingly always in a good mood. He doesn’t judge and he’s nice to everyone. He’s completely and totally loveable. (not to mention attractive!)

Baltheir: guy: mysterious. It’s hard to put a word to him. He’s a little bit of everything. Smart, funny, creative, sweet, sarcastic. It helps that he is amazingly good-looking and stinking rich. I can’t put my finger on what but I feel there’s more to them. Like I said, I don’t know, maybe I’m just bsing, but I feel like there’s something he’s hiding. a little mystery never killed anyone ;D

Vann: guy: this guy is so amazing. He’s sweet and quiet, and very very chill. I’ve never heard his voice have any kind of emotion in it nd he generally remains pretty monotone. But he’s anything but boring. He surfs, he’s musical, he’s fun. Everyone likes him because he’s so darn charismatic.

 Alrighty folk. Match up the guys and girls you feel would make the most proficient couple. ;D thanks for taking part in my experiment! haha

Where did all these guys come from? Last year I was having a dry spell of boys, maybe because I was so in love with Pumpkin I really didn’t open my heart to anyone else…

But now that I don’t see Pumpkin much anymore, it’s like the guys are just coming in.

First we have my closest guy friend Butter (hehe, remember him). I was pretty sure he liked my best, Lauren (guys usually do) until I realized while he was giving me a piggy-back ride, he looked up at me with those unmistakable kiss me eyes. I immediately jumped off because it scared me and then later while I was talking to my friend Maggie she said this girl (who is in love with Butter) said she was jealous of me because she was so convinced Butter liked me. It made my heart do that awkward bu-bump. I was just like, wait, I thought he liked Lauren. Don’t all guys like Lauren? And then I realized, he does wait an outrageously long time for me at my locker and goes out of his way so he can see me between classes, and today when we were at the bus loop, he hugged me a little closer and a little longer, and held my hands like he’d never let go. And I got scared and left. Maybe he’s just being nice because I can’t remember the last time a cute guy liked me.

But that’s no the end of it. I was on the bus, and my bud Jon mentioned how he thought our friend Kyle liked me. My heart did that bu-bump thing again. And I just said: “Huh? No I don’t think so…” but Jon seemed pretty convinced.

And then there’s one of my ex’s from last year who flat out told me he wanted a second chance with me and how he thought I was cute and smart and different than everyone else but he just liked my friend a few weeks ago so I don’t take him very seriously.

And there’s another one in my 3^rd hour. I can’t honestly tell if he likes me or not (I don’t think so) but, I just think he’s sort of cute. And he’s on my possible crush-material list. He flirts with me a little and mentions when he thinks I look cute. He does me little favors here and there, and is always totally sweet. We talk about a lot of different things and we totally click. But I super, majorly, doubt he likes me.

And suddenly there are four of them.

And there are actually about four more guys plus that who have been flirting with me lately.

Crazy? Is it my new mascara? Am I just imagining it?

And I really am trying super hard to get over Pumpkin, but I’ve always been slow with that. But lately I’ve found myself missing him less and less. I still think he’s brilliant and good company, but I’m wondering if he’s worth it. I’ll leave it to fate. A little serendipity never hurt anyone?

And overall today was good. During second hour, me and Caroline were sitting alone in a classroom, barefoot, drinking coke and we got bored and it started raining very hard. So we ran outside and played tag in the pouring ran, screaming, jumping in puddles and running around all the outside portable. It was really fun and we were thoroughly drenched when we got to 3^rd hour. I got a 96 on my History test and my history teacher told me how he thought I was genius, and how proud he was of me and that I’d accomplished so much and that my creativity and insight was beyond my years… And I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say. Also the results of the school election came n today, and I won the much-coveted “Secretary” position I was campaigning for. Amazing. I also have plans for the weekend. I’ll probably be hanging with Deven and possibly Lauren. Such a nice change of pace.

But life has been different and good. 8^th grade is not as magical as 7^th grade, but it’s better than it originally appeared to be.

Today was horrible. Usually I censor everything on my blog because i don’t want people from school to read it and think i’m crazy, or fishing for compliments or anything, but today sucked so badly, I just want to bang my head into the wall.

It started off yesterday, when I began a new episode of paranoia, or maybe not so much paranoia as actuality. My friends were all leaving me behind, the ones that did still talk to me only did so because they needed or wanted soemthing, or because they felt they had to. A hug isn’t a hug unless you truly mean it. So it was yesterday I started to realize, man, I don’t have a true friend, it’s because I’m not good enough? That’s what I was honestly doubting. I don’t like being wrong, so I began to blame other people again. Oh, they’ve just been busy, or maybe something’s going on with them that I don’t know about… And I wasn’t sure what to make of it.

 But today was icing on the cake.

I was walking with Kyle to lunch, and his loser little friends walked up. “Omigod! Is that you’re girlfriend?” (Wow, what morons) So Kyle thought it’d be funny to say yes. So they started freaking out and one of his buds (the blond one) was like: “oh well, you’re girlfriend’s really ugly…” I turned around and yelled: “Excuse me? You know I’m right here in ear shot right? You could give me a hell of a lot more respect since I’m old enough to be your babysitter!” And he put up his hands like I was about to hit him and said, “No offense” Oh really? Really? No offense? How could I /possibly/ take that personally? So I ditched Kyle and went and sat with Lauren and Deven who were in deep converse (who 2 months ago couldn’t look at eachother without spitting on the other’s shoes). I sat down and felt a little ignored but tried to let it go. I should be happy my two besties were getting along right? So we all went in line and I was so right depressed I just sat down with Crystalyn at the table next to the lunch line. And I expected for Lauren and Deven to come and get me after they got their food right? They came, said Hi to everyone at the table, and left. Left, so sick. My two supposed best friends. But the two prettiest girls in school /first/. So I felt a little forgotten, you know? And I didn’t really belong at that table, and I didn’t belong with Lauren and Deven. So where was I supposed to go? Half of me wanted to call my mom and tell her to take me home. But the other half knew that was dumb. She’s worse than all my problems put together. So I roughed it out. Like a rickety little boat on the skirts of a hurricane. And it sucks.

And after lunch I was still a little mad. i thought Tyler was going to cheer me up, make me feel better. But when he saw I wasn’t Deven or Lauren, he blatantly ignored me. Looked me right in the eye, and cut me off but didn’t say a word.

And I saw Pumpkin after 4th hour, and usually that makes me feel a hell of a lot better. But he just yelled at me because I didn’t come get him out of his 2nd hour like I said I would (and I tried!) and when I was talking with him, he sped ahead and talked louder, draining out my voice. So I continued quietly to 5th hour. From there on in, things were okay. Nothing else horrible happened.

 And it wasn’t all that horrible, just the concept of horrible.

Overall, today, genuinally, sincerely and truly sucked.

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

Summer’s been pretty eventful so far. :] Yesterday Di and Jesse came to visit. I helped Di with some math and then the three of us+dad went for a walk. We had a really good lunch and 3 good things came out of it. 1) Di says she wants to come up for a weekend to visit real soon. :] 2) Jesse’s thinking of buying a house down here. 3) Jesse’s giving me her old skateboard! My only complaint about the day was that Michael kept calling and yelling at Jesse telling her she better get home and all this shit then she made up some lie how she had to get home and let him into the apartment.

Jesse: head-strong, stubborn, close-minded, smart, creative. Jesse is hard to put down in a little sanriotown description. She’s pretty cool once you get to know her, but she can’t stand it unless she’s in the center stage. She thinks everything’s a conspiracy, and she overanalyzes everything.

Diana: sweet, quiet, funny, impatient. Di is nearly the opposite of Jesse. She can be quiet unless in the right circumstances, otherwise, she’s super funny and spontaneous. She loves animals, and she’d do anything to make people happy. She always puts other’s needs before her own. She always reminded me of Snow White. :] 

Today me and my mom went to the beach. I read a few pages in my book: “Learned Optomism” and I’m regaining my “summer tan” haha. Heck Yes! We were going to bring Cristina, but she baield last minute. Too bad, she missed out. I also went to Publix today and got new headphones (my kitty chewed through my other ones)

On Thursday, I’m going to Kevin’s baseball game with Courtney. We’re going to drink slurpies, rate guys’ butts, and be craft-pimps.

On Friday, Crystal’s coming over to hang out. We’ll probably play ITG and Guitar Hero no doubt. Afterwords, her mom is probably going to take us to Cobb, where I will hopefully meet up with Deven, Alyssa, and Courtney (Butter if I’m lucky <3)

I’m really excited, I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing!

It’ll be even better when my best friend Alex gets back from China (school trip) and we can parole the neighborhood and cause mayhem. ;D

I feel icky. It has not been a very good week… there isn’t exactly anything specific to complain about actually… but it’s just a lot of little things that are starting to make me feel like “Gee, will this nightmare ever end?”

1. I just found out my parents took a few thousand dollars from my college fund to pay off some bills.

2. Right now my dad’s having this super migraine-attack and he can’t move and he’s laying on the couch about to throw up, and it’s freaking me out, because it came on really fast, and he couldn’t even move from his car, he had to call me on his cell to help him up the drive way.

3. Now that Ari’s single… he’s being all BFF-ey with me, and as much as I missed him, it’s not like I can just be like: “Gee, you ditched me for 6 months, but now that its convienet for you, lets be best friends!” -__- He made me sit in his lap today at this assembly thing, and it was really awkward, because then his ex (one of my best friends) just walks up, and it was amazingly weird for me…

4. Pumpkin is confusing me. Some days I’m like, god, I think I may have a chance with him, and the next he does something that toally makes me think other wise. it kind of saddens me

5. -i’ve censored this- not like anyone reads my blog /anyways/ but, i don’t know, i think if she did ever read this it would hurt some major feelings.

6. It seems like I’m invisible. I’ll say something and then the two other people will just talk over me. It make sme feel insuperior, like I’m unimportant.

7. I never have any fun. Ever. I’m sitting here alone, on a Friday night writing this long list of complaints. So sad.

8. I feel like I’m constantly complaining, and that I’m bothering every one. And that I am so freakishly selfish.

9. I got more work done o nmy teeth and I haven’t really eaten anything good and filling since yersterday morning. I don’t eat lunch at school usually, and the day after i got the work done, i was too sore to eat dinner, the next day (today) i still wasn’t well enough to eat anything and same goes for lunch. I had some icecream at the end of school, and some yogurt when i got home. But I’m still pretty starved, but my mouth is killing me!

Well, there is one thing to smile about. Pumpkin’s been talking to me a lot more. And I’ve noticed a pattern. When we’re alone he’s always super sweet and nice. When there’s someone else there, he’s like a totally different person. Sweet, sweet kid, but when Courtney or Deven or anyone to be perfectly honest walks into the picture, it’s just like BAM! he tries extra hard to be different. I don’t like this side of him! He’s so much nicer when we’re alone! It’s just like, he’s putting on this show… it’s so sad… hmm, yet ANOTHER thing to be sad about.

well, I guess they’re are a lot mroe things to be sad about than to be happy about. You’ve got war and poverty and world hunger, and people can just go to school and laugh it off cause some kidd’s fly’s down (didn’t actually happen mind you)! It seems so unimportant! We could have it so worse. We could be sold as sex slaves, or dieing of cancer. I mean, and then we can just go and smile and say “Well, I really like this boy…” I don’t understand, don’t understand.

And then I feel guilty when I look at my drum fund (up to about $90 now) and think, gee, that could really help someone, and I think, I don’t need a drumset! This could go and buy food for the hungry, yet I have second thoughts about giving the money to charity? God am I so selfish! I’m going to let my greed take me over, and get soemthing I want over something I need. That’s why I decided to do a charitable fundraiser, and giving $20 of my drum fund. But I still feel like I’m not giving enough. I take so much more than I give.

I can go to the mall, and buy 4 pairs of jeans, when that money could’ve aided a crisis victim! AH! I am so selfish, I feel absolutely horrible that I don’t give enough.

I mean, I don’t need those 4 jeans, I really don’t even need 1 pair, if I just have a pair of shorts. And then that $100 or so, could’ve helped someone so much! ;-; it’s so sad!

so, overall, I haven’t been in a very good mood. Excuse my sharp tongue and negative-energy.

You know what I’ve thinking for the past few days?

Well, I guess first you need to get a little background info. Well, lets just say I saw a sad “someone” from across the cafeteria. He was so sad. He just looked at his shoes, and his brown eyes wandered around the room, like he was scared of something. I could tell he was thinking. Every once in a while he’d put down his head in his hands. He’d look at random people and you’d tell he wanted to cry. I was the first one to notice anything. When we were walking to lunch, I realized he was walking by himself, and his hands were buried in his pockets, and he stared at the ground. He’s never alone; I’ve never seen a moment when he was alone. I knew something was up. And then at lunch, I just look at him occasionally, and I realize what a sad day it is. The windows are open, and the wind (which is uncommon where I live) was like something you’d find in
Chicago. The sun wasn’t out and it was somewhat cold, but I didn’t have a jacket. There was a thick fog over the school, and the day felt dream-like. But I look at him, and it got me like a disease. I was so upset, I started to tear up a little. “Chloe’,” one of my friends finally said. “Chloe’, why are you crying? What’s wrong?” I wiped at my eyes and said: “Every good actress can cry on demand,” They looked at me for a moment more and went back to talking. I put my head to my hands and looked at this “5” that hung over one of the cafeteria exits. It seemed like such an awful number. I felt really sick, and everything went kind of dull, and I just saw that number, and I felt very sick, like I wanted to throw up and sleep for a very long time. And then I looked at the sad guy and he was pretending to laugh with his friends. I could tell it was forced. So I looked to my friends and they were all laughing at some joke I hadn’t heard. I look back and forth between them and the sad boy a table in front of me. I realized what little compassion people have for one another. How could one person be so happy, when one person could be so sad? I looked back at that number 5 and I had to rest my head on the table because my head was spinning. The funny part, no one noticed. I felt so sick. And they were all still laughing at that joke. It was like one of those nightmares people have when you’re an inch tall and everyone’s towering over you and laughing, but you don’t know what they’re laughing at. And then my head started hurting. It killed me knowing someone was unhappy, yet everyone else cared very little. And then I got up and left, I couldn’t take it anymore. Deven caught up with me, and I saw that the sad one, that never walks alone, was walking by himself again. I wished I would have left a few minutes earlier so I wouldn’t have had to see him again. Finally,
Tyler realized something was wrong. Followed by Celeste. Paul was short after. But as soon as they realized the problem, they did little afterwards. Like they didn’t want to get their hands messy, trying to figure something out. I put my knees to my chest and started crying. I hid my face from the class and cried for a few minutes just thinking that somewhere, someone is sad, someone has died, someone was crying. The world will never be a perfectly happy place and it hit me kind of hard. I kept looking over at the sad boy all during class, and he never looked up. He whispered silently to himself, and I saw him writing. It killed me.

I wrote a poem, one of my saddest in a long time. I would post it up here, but I don’t want to reread it because all of the thoughts I was having will come back, and I don’t want them to come back.