My life’s sort of been on a tight rope lately. Some days are just so amazing. And then the next I slip into a funk. This afternoon I was just so happy. I was literally giving off light. Everyone around me smiled because I was just so happy. I was like a little ball of energy. And what was there to be upset about anyways? Crystal came over, we set up my drumset, we jammed, we had fun. I even got to see Pumpkin today, at an assembly, I saw him, and I’m not sure if he saw me. I even got a 97 on my history test. Overall, today was good. Even when my mom got mad, nothing could bring me down. It was the eternal happiness a small part of me wanted.

But yesterday, yesterday was the pits. I was talking to my friend Taylor on the bus, and some how I began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. And it got me so sad. He’d say: “He’s not that good-looking, he probably would’ve gone out with you.” And I just wanted to bang my head on the window. Yes he is! I wanted to yell. He’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen! He’s a genious! He’s genuine! He’s perfect. Jon says: “I was pretty sure he liked you last year.” And I held back the tears, because I knew they were lieing! They didn’t want to tell me I could never have him! They didn’t want to say, you’re not smart enough, you’re not nice enough, you’re not pretty enough. They thought I’d have a mental breakdown. And I was so close too! But I thought to myself, just be calm, just be calm, they don’t know what you’re feeling, and they don’t know Pumpkin at all. I eventually cooled down. Walking home in the rain because you’re mom was too lazy to come pick you up (she was watching TV when I got home) can do that. I figure, maybe I’ll meet someone spectacular this year. But I’ve sort of given up on the idea. I’m not good enough yet. Crystal says that in high school there are tons of cute, smart guys. And for that I sincerely hope! I’ve been in this Pumpkin trap for nearly a year. It’s time for a change of scenery.

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

I had an interesting dream last night (as always, ^-^) Tyler had moved to my neighborhood, 143rd Street (I’m not sure if that actually exists, but I’m going to check it out, maybe I’m supposed to find something there) and I was with Crystal and we were riding our bikes around the hood and I said Tyler’s name, and then someone started screaming, so we ran. When I got back to my house, it was a huge mansion. Like /huge/ it looked like a hotel. Crystal said she had to go home, and then Tyler, Butter and Pumpkin appeared. I was about to say something to Pumpkin (can’t exactly remember what, but it was pretty important) than Butter grabbed my arm and pulled me up this huge staircase. At the top, there was this giant pool, and we jumped in. Then some pretty lady in a suit started yelling at us. Telling me I wasn’t within my rights to do such things. I told her it was my house, and she grabbed Butter and told me to get out, so I went back down the staircase. Then Pumpkin was standing there and he told me Butter was dead. I was really confused, so I grabbed Pumpkin’s hand and we ran up the stairs, and it was like an empty apartment building where the pool had just been a few seconds ago. When I went to go back down the stairs with Pumpkin, there was a closed door, and when I opened it, there was like a town on fire. I closed the door and turned to Pumpkin and Butter was standing next to him. Then I was in my old science teacher (Mrs. Koerner)’s room. I was sitting next to Lauren F. (a girl at my school) and Pumpkin walked in the classroom, and the front of his hair was dyed blond. (It was quite random) I turned to say something to Lauren, but where she had just been sitting was Butter. “What’s going on?” he asked me. Pumpkin sat next to us, so Butter was on one side and Pumpkin was on the other. I put my head down on the desk and woke up.

Anyone care to evaluate? I looked some things up in my dream books. According to numerology the number 8 (1+4+3) means transformation. A person born under the number 8 is generally quiet, reserved and patient. Someone who is very untrusting, but operates like a broken machine under a cool exterior. I used to be like this, but I told myself to change a while ago. Sometimes I still feel like this. Does this number mean that I am going to transform /back/ into this person? Or that I am going to veer very far away from it?

Some of the elements I looked up included the stairs. Afterall, I was going up and down the stairs numerous times, and I figured this could represent something.  It turns out, a staircase represents transformation or change (whoa,) Going up stairs represents a higher level of understanding. Going down stairs represents repressed thoughts or to the setbacks I will experience soon in life. So going continuouslly up and down stairs, must mean that I am trying to /transform/ into someone that can /successfully understand/ the /setbacks I am going to face soon/.  That’s my take on it. I also wanted to analyze what significance Butter and Pumpkin had in my dream. Pumpkin is obviously someone I am in love with. My dream dicitonary says: “To dream of love of being in love, suggests intense feelings carried over from a waking relationship.” Butter is someone I am not sure whether I like or not. Could the significance of these two be that I am having trouble choosing one over the other? I was also fascinated by the flames and the empty apartment. “In particular, if the fire is under control or contained in one area, it is a metaphor of your own internal fire and inner transformation. It also represents your drive and motivation.” “To dream of a shabby and dark apartment, indicates misfortune and possible loss of a lover or money.” A door means I am entering a new stage in my life. The hotel-looking mansion means: “Signifies a new state of mind, or shift in personality.” Butter taking my left arm (I remember) represents my “need to nurture him”. Pumpkin taking my right hand represents “the spiritual connection I feel to him” Being in the classroom means I may “be learning a life lesson”.

Taking all this into consideration, I’d say my dream is all about myself changing, and leanring and important life lesson.

My subconscious is trying to tell me to be with Pumpkin for I feel a spiritual connection to him, and that the reason I like Butter is because I feel like I need to protect him.

Would anyone else care to evaluate?

So, I can honestly say, almost every decent thing I’ve wanted to do has been canceled. Monday I was going to go to Cristina’s beach house, but she bailed last minute. Thursday, I was going to go to a baseball game with Courtney, but my mom said no. Today I was going to spend the day with Crystal, but she had to go to her grandma’s. -__- maybe it was fate. Because last night, right after Crystal said she couldn’t come to the beach with me, Courtney texted me asking if I wanted to go the beach with her. I did, and we had a blast! I /might/ go with her to [local teen hangout] but, she hasn’t called/emailed yet, and I try  not to get my expectations up too high, that way when things don’t work out (as you’re beginning to tell happens a lot) I’m not too disappointed. I probably won’t go. If Courtney does call, my mom will probably say no. It’s about 4:40 now, most people go to [local teen hangout] around 6ish, that’s just about an hour and a half, but I’m not going to get too excited. Although it would be nice to see all my friends that I haven’t seen in a week or so…

No matter, I’ll find a way to make tonight special. :]

Summer’s been pretty eventful so far. :] Yesterday Di and Jesse came to visit. I helped Di with some math and then the three of us+dad went for a walk. We had a really good lunch and 3 good things came out of it. 1) Di says she wants to come up for a weekend to visit real soon. :] 2) Jesse’s thinking of buying a house down here. 3) Jesse’s giving me her old skateboard! My only complaint about the day was that Michael kept calling and yelling at Jesse telling her she better get home and all this shit then she made up some lie how she had to get home and let him into the apartment.

Jesse: head-strong, stubborn, close-minded, smart, creative. Jesse is hard to put down in a little sanriotown description. She’s pretty cool once you get to know her, but she can’t stand it unless she’s in the center stage. She thinks everything’s a conspiracy, and she overanalyzes everything.

Diana: sweet, quiet, funny, impatient. Di is nearly the opposite of Jesse. She can be quiet unless in the right circumstances, otherwise, she’s super funny and spontaneous. She loves animals, and she’d do anything to make people happy. She always puts other’s needs before her own. She always reminded me of Snow White. :] 

Today me and my mom went to the beach. I read a few pages in my book: “Learned Optomism” and I’m regaining my “summer tan” haha. Heck Yes! We were going to bring Cristina, but she baield last minute. Too bad, she missed out. I also went to Publix today and got new headphones (my kitty chewed through my other ones)

On Thursday, I’m going to Kevin’s baseball game with Courtney. We’re going to drink slurpies, rate guys’ butts, and be craft-pimps.

On Friday, Crystal’s coming over to hang out. We’ll probably play ITG and Guitar Hero no doubt. Afterwords, her mom is probably going to take us to Cobb, where I will hopefully meet up with Deven, Alyssa, and Courtney (Butter if I’m lucky <3)

I’m really excited, I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing!

It’ll be even better when my best friend Alex gets back from China (school trip) and we can parole the neighborhood and cause mayhem. ;D