My days are developing a strange pattern. The earlier hours are dull and uneventful; afternoons are light-hearted and enchanting. After school is usually so depressing, generally be-cause I see Crow, and he keeps doing these little things that make me so frustrated. Like yesterday, for instance, my day was all fine and dandy. My morning was filled with lots of new cute guy, who isn’t as amazing as Crow and definitely cannot replace him in my heart, but is still really nice and funny and who I get along with well. I had some good laughs in a few of my classes and thoroughly enjoyed my lit period, par usual. The day seemed just peachy, especially since I’d barely seen him all day (just a few encounters outside by the portables, where I ignored him and he ignored me). Well, the whole “getting over him” thing still isn’t exactly going as I’d been trying for, and one of the only hopes I’d found is that I could at least assure myself he was not the same guy I gave my heart too. He dressed differently, and talked differently, and smiled differently, and just wasn’t the Crow I’d grown to adore. This new him seemed fake, and artificial. The one I used to know was a loner, philosophical, and mysterious and intelligent. He was passionate and worldly, he had depth, but yet, at the same time, could put a smile on anyone’s face. But since that last day with him, he seemed different. Aloof, and a fake sort of enthusiast, his smile didn’t look genuine like they used to. His eyes no longer sparkled…

But as I come downstairs after seventh hour, I run right into him. He’s literally inches away from me, not an avoidable distance, so I say his name and he turns to me. He neither smiles nor scowls, like I’m unimportant, like he doesn’t even realize who I am or what I once meant to him… “Are you okay?” I ask, be-cause this far-away look is not one I like seeing on him. I’ve seen him upset, I’ve seen him angry, I’ve seen what he’s capable of… “Yeah,” he says. And that’s all he says. As I re-call it, it didn’t even sound like him.  Right at this moment, the crowd dissipates in several areas and he moves from me, without catching my eye again, and without even a glance back. He goes to the left, and I go to the right. This encounter’s over apparently. This alone is enough to upset me. I find myself with my head down, staring at people wondering what they see in me. A lonely someone I think, be-cause I can feel it taking over me at that moment. It’s so de-pressing, that I used to mean something to this person, and he used to mean something to me too, and then he just de-cides to walk out of my life, without reason. Maybe I’m looking for what we used to have, but, really, I think I just want closure. Be-cause all of these little maybes keep nagging at my heart. But he doesn’t want to give me any answers; I really don’t think he cares at all. I feel like I should’ve known better, I feel like I should’ve seen this coming and avoided this kid by a mile. But he knew what to say, he knew who to be, he told me lies, and I fell for it.

So I go to my locker and get my books as fast as I can. A few of my friends call my name, but I pretend like I can’t hear them, be-cause there’s just something about seeing other people smiling and laughing when you feel like dying. I go out to the bus stop and, knowing Danny won’t be there, search for Hunter (a friend of Danny’s), be-cause I really just want to hug someone. But I can’t find him, and Lauren’s busy with people so I go to someone who can always make me smile- Joren. Courtney (his girlfriend) isn’t riding the bus home so he’s standing there listening to his iPod and I just go up and we start conversing. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Crow approaching us. I turn to face him and we just stare at each other… it breaks my heart to do this, so I turn back to Joren. But I realize Crow’s still staring at me, within touching-distance away. I turn back to him, and the stare-down continues. Finally I say “What?” with a little bit of laughter in my voice, be-cause I’m sure that’s what he’s aiming for. And he smiles. Crap. I haven’t seen him smile like that in so long. And his eyes, they sparkle. And the realization comes to me. He is the same guy I fell for. He’s back in jeans and old sneakers and ruffled t-shirts. He’s optimistic and smiling. And he smiles at me, be-fore turning his attention to Joren, asking him about his day. Joren seems unconcerned and really doesn’t pay too much attention to the conversation, and eventually Crow walks away.

And that, that whole encounter nearly rips my heart in two. Be-cause, I sense that now he knows the power he has over me. He’s just playing games with me, just a joke to him. He says: “Haha, there’s that girl I used to actually give a crap about.” Like it’s something insignificant, and funny.

But, unfortunately, I don’t take it that lightly.

I get on the bus, turn on my music (David Nevue primarily) as loud as it goes, sit by myself to-wards the back, and just can’t stop thinking about him. A few tears escape my eyes and I really hate myself for it. I invest my heart into things. It takes a lot for me to do it, but when I meet someone like that, or stumble across something like that, I give it everything I have. And I hate the my judgment was wrong, yet again. I walk home in silence. I’m so lost in my own world, I walk in front of a car and have to jump to get out of the way in time when I see it coming. I get home, tune my guitar by ear and play until my fingers bleed, be-cause I just don’t want to think about him anymore…

While at work to-day, I feel painfully lethargic; this is out of character for me. I find myself thinking about him, more than I should be. And for once, I turn off my phone, empty my head and just throw myself into my work. My heart does an odd little jump when I realize I’ve finished everything that must be done in two hours, an effort that usually takes me four. I find odd jobs here and there to occupy the re-maining time. More than anything I want to talk to Ms. St. John, be-cause she’s one of my favourite people in the world, but Nicole, one of my co-workers is there and I feel it may be-come awkward if I strike up a conversation. So I stay quiet.

And then an odd sort of revelation overcomes me. I’m sick of hurting. I’m sick and tired of letting something as insignificant as a guy get to me like this. Nothing’s going to come of feeling sorry for yourself. By re-membering the past, you’re only fooling yourself, trying to elude that this guy is better than what he actually is. You’re only re-calling the things you love about him, not the things you hated. Forget the good times, they’re gone now. Summer’s over. It’s time to grow up and move on.

It really hit me, hard. I don’t de-serve to be treated like this, to be toyed with, and hurt like this. We had our good times sure, but he’s being an ass about this, and I’m willing to accept that and open my heart up to something different.

It’s high school. Anything can happen. By tying myself down to this guy that can’t give or provide me with anything, I’m only closing the door to dozens of other opportunities.

Those doors are fucking swinging off their hinges now.

Good-by Crow and good fricking riddance.

Last Days of Summer – Silverstein

The bright light beams
From her eyes
Like broken glass
Or a broken heart
Who would have guessed
You’d leave me here
Beneath my eyes
I feel the tears
I hold backI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this way As my legs
start to shake
I feel nothing
I wanted you
I needed you
But you weren’t there
For me this time
Not for meI won’t leave
Leave this way again
I won’t leave this wayYou
That I loved
That I needed
You weren’t there
Not this time
YouWhat should I do?
I was supposed to love you
What should I do?
I won’t leave
What should I do?
I was supposed to love you
I cannot feel youLast breath I feel
Warm air intake
The last summer’s day
Last one I takeI won’t leave, leave this way
I won’t leave
Lost it all for you
I won’t leave
When the shadows beam
Misery remains
I won’t leave this time

Where did all these guys come from? Last year I was having a dry spell of boys, maybe because I was so in love with Pumpkin I really didn’t open my heart to anyone else…

But now that I don’t see Pumpkin much anymore, it’s like the guys are just coming in.

First we have my closest guy friend Butter (hehe, remember him). I was pretty sure he liked my best, Lauren (guys usually do) until I realized while he was giving me a piggy-back ride, he looked up at me with those unmistakable kiss me eyes. I immediately jumped off because it scared me and then later while I was talking to my friend Maggie she said this girl (who is in love with Butter) said she was jealous of me because she was so convinced Butter liked me. It made my heart do that awkward bu-bump. I was just like, wait, I thought he liked Lauren. Don’t all guys like Lauren? And then I realized, he does wait an outrageously long time for me at my locker and goes out of his way so he can see me between classes, and today when we were at the bus loop, he hugged me a little closer and a little longer, and held my hands like he’d never let go. And I got scared and left. Maybe he’s just being nice because I can’t remember the last time a cute guy liked me.

But that’s no the end of it. I was on the bus, and my bud Jon mentioned how he thought our friend Kyle liked me. My heart did that bu-bump thing again. And I just said: “Huh? No I don’t think so…” but Jon seemed pretty convinced.

And then there’s one of my ex’s from last year who flat out told me he wanted a second chance with me and how he thought I was cute and smart and different than everyone else but he just liked my friend a few weeks ago so I don’t take him very seriously.

And there’s another one in my 3^rd hour. I can’t honestly tell if he likes me or not (I don’t think so) but, I just think he’s sort of cute. And he’s on my possible crush-material list. He flirts with me a little and mentions when he thinks I look cute. He does me little favors here and there, and is always totally sweet. We talk about a lot of different things and we totally click. But I super, majorly, doubt he likes me.

And suddenly there are four of them.

And there are actually about four more guys plus that who have been flirting with me lately.

Crazy? Is it my new mascara? Am I just imagining it?

And I really am trying super hard to get over Pumpkin, but I’ve always been slow with that. But lately I’ve found myself missing him less and less. I still think he’s brilliant and good company, but I’m wondering if he’s worth it. I’ll leave it to fate. A little serendipity never hurt anyone?

And overall today was good. During second hour, me and Caroline were sitting alone in a classroom, barefoot, drinking coke and we got bored and it started raining very hard. So we ran outside and played tag in the pouring ran, screaming, jumping in puddles and running around all the outside portable. It was really fun and we were thoroughly drenched when we got to 3^rd hour. I got a 96 on my History test and my history teacher told me how he thought I was genius, and how proud he was of me and that I’d accomplished so much and that my creativity and insight was beyond my years… And I thought that was a pretty nice thing to say. Also the results of the school election came n today, and I won the much-coveted “Secretary” position I was campaigning for. Amazing. I also have plans for the weekend. I’ll probably be hanging with Deven and possibly Lauren. Such a nice change of pace.

But life has been different and good. 8^th grade is not as magical as 7^th grade, but it’s better than it originally appeared to be.

 Isn’t that weird? I didn’t realize until I posted this, that I’ve been blogging like clockwork (every Friday) hmm, my body is so routine (told you I hate change) I won’t be able to blog as much when school starts but I’ll do my darndest. :]

So I went and got my schedule today (mannn, school starts monday :D)

 1 History

2 Student Aide

3 Band (:P)

4 Language Arts

5 Geometry

6 Science

 It’s so different. I really hate change…and I’m scared. What if I don’t have any classes with my friends? I know I don’t have any with Deven or Alyssa. Lauren hasn’t said yet. Thank God I have 2 classes with Courtney (I think I get to Student-Aide with her (fun fun fun)), and I have Geometry with Cristina (that means we’ll probably be sitting next to eachother because our last names are so close. :]) What if I don’t have any with Pumpkin? Or Lauren? Or Tyler? Or Caroline? (The list is endless) I saw Pumpkin today… He was with one of my friends. They were kind of across the courtyard. So my friend, being lazy, called out my name and waved (he didn’t look real happy to see me) After I waved back, Pumpkin decided he’d wave to me too. It sounds so sincere, but it made my heart go bu-bump. I haven’t seen him in about 3 months and I was wondering if all the magic would come back when I saw him. It’s too early to tell now…

I was just wondering. Which do you think would be a worst situation? (A little random) having a dad who you knew never loved you, or losing a father who you knew loved you very much? I think having a dad who didn’t love you would be absolutely terrible. Me and my dad are very close, and I can’t imagine losing him. But it would be worse if he lived forever and we hated eachother. Just a thought.

Well, I will be starting the magical grade 8 on August 22nd. I’m not too worried. I’ve got some pretty close friends, and I don’t doubt I’ll get at least one class with all of them (Geometry Honors probably). Besides, I miss my buds, a lot. The only one I’ve been consistantly hanging out with is Courtney. Summer’s usually a lot of fun, but this one kind of sucked. On October 29th of last year I wrote in my diary (and I quote): “You know what? This summer’s really going to rock! I’m going to be a Jr. Counselor at CPP [a summer camp by my house] , go to Surf Camp and Turtle Camp, and possibly start on some of these unlisted privledges…” Unfortuantely none of this ever happened. CPP said I could volunteer next year (they figured I was too young), my parents ran low on money and decided to keep me home all summer, and the only “unlisted privledges” I’ve acheived is telling white lies to the rents so I could go to the mall with courtney. overall, this summer has been a huge disapointment. The only brightside is that I’ve gotten a lot of writing done. My hope is to finish my favorite story I’m writing “The Boy Who Never Smiles” by the end of the summer and then send it to get published while I get back to school (I won’t have a lot of time to work on my writing August/September). I don’t really have a good system for writing. I can’t stand to write events in order. I have about 10 different excerpts, and in the end I’m going to have to find a way to weave them all together. :p It’ll be worth it though. This is my favorite book I’ve ever written.

 In the story, the two main characters are Nick and Skye. Nick’s the most popular, richest, best-looking, smartest, funniest guy in school, but he had a horrible childhood. The only problem with him, is that he’s kind of an egotistical jerk. He does whatever he feels like he’s supposed to do. He tries so hard to keep his reputation and do exactly what everyone expects him to do. But then, he falls in love with Skye. Skye, a nothing special sort of girl, who’s life pretty much sucks.

Well, it actually doesn’t read very good. But the plot is really deep and it took ages to plan out and write. What a like best about it, is that, it has an unexpected, sort of sad, makes-you-cry ending. (And no, neither one of them dies). There’s also a sequel I want to start working on right away called “The Girl Who Never Laughs” and it’s almost like an epilogue. But I don’t want to say so much, because the plot is still a work in progress in my head. :] Besides, when and if it gets published, I’m going to force every one of you to go out, buy it, and read it.

 man, how did I get started talking about my writing? But anyways, I’ve also been doing a lot of drawing (which is gradually getting better XD) and I’ve been working like mad on my dance and piano, :] it’s been an articulet kind of month. I’m also reading Hamlet. (unexpected much?) And a book called A Seperate Piece. I haven’t written in my diary in FOREVER (I can write either in my blog or my diary, I can nver really handle both. :])

Enough about my dreary, deathly uneventful summer. If there’s any one out there, tell me about your summe. List an adventure or two! :]

when i have nothing overly interesting to write about, i write about my dreams. this post is no different. i haven’t blogged in a while, and ive had some pretty incredible dreams since when…

a while ago: I was at a McDonalds with my mom and dad and it was weird, because nearly EVERYONE from school was there. The three i really remember though were Him (remember my grade 7 crush from way back when?) Nick E. (aww) and Matt ( a kid from my 4th hour). Me and Nick (not to be confused with nick patterson) always used to act like we hated eachother, but i dont think we honestly did. he was a funny, sweet guy, and he became a pretty good friend. in my dream, he came up to me, talked for a little and then hugged me. then matt came up to me and said my mom was aying horrible things about everyone.

a few days ago: I was in the cafeteria, and i looed across the table to see crystal. i waved. she was sitting with this girl Becca who used to be in my lunch. she came up and started talking to me. “Hey, i read your profile,” then, next thing i knew, we were acting like best friends. we were running around and i said: “Becca, you’re so fun to be around, youre so happy and cheerful.” she replied: “and what you’re depressed?” “No, i think im pretty normal,” then i have to blow my nose, so i go into the bathroom, after i throw the tissue away, i realize there is a jar of peanut butter in my hand. i suddenly realize i cannot let it drop no matter what. suddenly, deven and a bunch of other people, come out of the office in a cha-cha line. me and becca join the cha-cha line. someone bumps into me and the PB jar goes flying. I dont see where it lands and suddenly i dont care. then me and deven begin to open this door that says “Oregon” on it with a little doplphin. then i wake up. :p

yesterday: i was in the mall when i realized i was being chased by three people. when i ran out of a store, i saw ari, lauren and butter all hanging out. i told them i was being chased but butter and lauren went on talking like it didnt matter. ari’s eyes opened up really big and when i turned a corner,  i realized he was following me, like he was looking out for me.

last night: i was in the mall with courtney and we were eating cookies when i heard someone talking about me. it was this girl who goes to my school. some of the people she was talking to stood up for me, others didnt care.

analyzation anyone??

Well, it hasn’t been a great couple days for me. I’ve been feeling kind of down in the dumps, and I’m bored as hell. Despite this, my dreams have been as vivid as ever.

Last night, I had a dream that I was in this strange wold with a few of my friends (Butter is the only one I really remember though) and me and Butter were running around like crazy trying to keep the town at peace. There was this huge skating rink (random) in the center of the town. Then me and Butter went out passed this gate-ish thing, and the grass was about up to our waist. I saw this car and then I noticed my parents were sitting inside. I talked to them for a second and they began rambling on and on about Pumpkin. Then I ran away. And then I woke up.

I guess I haven’t really given specific reasons why I feel like crap so here goes.

I found out that Pumpkin (who I’ve liked for almost a year) had/has (i don’t know) a crush on one of my best friends. So as you can see that kind of put a damper on my day. And I haven’t talked to Butter in a while, I feel like I’m annoying him. Lately, I feel somewhat unlovable. Like no one will ever like me no matter how hard I try (friends and guys both). I haven’t talked to any of my friends (excluding Courtney) in ages, no one’s even picked up the phone to call me. And when I IM them it seems like they really don’t want to talk to me.

Well, I’m remodeling my room. Today I started painting. 3 of my walls are going to be an orange-based white, and one a BAM orange-brown. The two highlight colors are red nd light green. I like painting. I turn on some music and I think, and it’s almost rhythmic. With my arm going up and down in time with the beat of the song I’m listening to. It’s a nice time to think, and contemplate about what I normally don’t get the time to wonder about. It’s a breath of fresh air from real-life. And even if it’s only for a couple hours, I feel at ease an refreshed.

The past few nights have been torture. Last Thursday, I had a dream that I got raped while I was in a hotel, where a man forced me into the bed in his room. I talked to Courtney about it, and she told me I was over paranoid and that I needed to relax, so I did just that. But Tuesday, I had another dream that someone was following me. On Wednesday, I had another dream that someone came into my house when no one was home. Last night was the worst. I had a dream that I was getting dressed, and there was someone in my closet, he jumped out at me and pinned me to the floor. I woke up hyperventilating around 1 in the morning. I was so relieved when I realized it was just a dream. I got up, checked my closet and shut the door, I went to the Living Room to make sure my dad was still asleep on the couch, he was so I ran back into my room and buried myself in my sheets. I finally fell back asleep at about 3 in the morning to have the same dream greet me. Except this time, my dad walked in in the middle of it, but the man who was pinning me down said: ‘There’s nothing you can do to help her’ and my dad left the room and closed the door and I started screaming. I woke up at 6 or so, and checked the closet and couch again, then went back to my bed, but I couldn’t fall asleep. At 6:30 I turned on the TV and at about 7 my dad woke up (I was so relieved the night was over). I’m afraid to go to sleep at night, and I’m even worse during the day. I constantly look behind me, I stay close to my dad in public places, and I don’t leave the house unless I have to. I start to hyperventilate whenever someone accidentally bumps into me or when my dad gets out of eye vision. I usually don’t take dreams so seriously, but I have a really bad feeling about this. It’s like a premonition, and I’m scared to death. It doesn’t help that there have been 2 rapes on my street in the last year. And that guy, Jeremy creeps me out. It’s a 20-something year old guy that used to follow me home from the bus stop. Everyday, after school he’d follow just behind or just in front of me and Sebastian. Even Sebastian admitted it was weird how he knew everything I wore everyday. When he asked me how old I was, I actually said: ‘I don’t know’ Then I pretended someone was calling me so I took my cell out and talked to my imaginary friend, even though my phone was dead. I hated that Sebastian couldn’t walk home with me (he lives on the street in front of me). After about a month, he went away. I was so relieved. But the other day, when I was taking my dog for a walk, I saw him. I quickly turned the corner and acted like I was really busy. When I came around the other side of the street, he was sitting on the side of the road watching me! It was so scary, I was grateful I had my dog with me. It’s even worse that he knows where I live. It freaks me out.

I’m probably overreacting, but this is scaring me to death. I have the absolute worst feeling about it. If I have to stay home alone, I make sure all the doors and windows are locked, and then I sit in my room with the phone.

Every noise I hear, it’s killing me. I know I can’t do anything about it. I can’t even stand getting dressed anymore, I can’t stand looking at my body anymore, I feel like it’s already sinned.

I’m the kind of person who once they get their mind set on something, worries a lot. I know there’s like a 99% chance nothing will happen, but I just want the assurance.

Any advice out there? I’m scaring myself to the grave.

So, I can honestly say, almost every decent thing I’ve wanted to do has been canceled. Monday I was going to go to Cristina’s beach house, but she bailed last minute. Thursday, I was going to go to a baseball game with Courtney, but my mom said no. Today I was going to spend the day with Crystal, but she had to go to her grandma’s. -__- maybe it was fate. Because last night, right after Crystal said she couldn’t come to the beach with me, Courtney texted me asking if I wanted to go the beach with her. I did, and we had a blast! I /might/ go with her to [local teen hangout] but, she hasn’t called/emailed yet, and I try  not to get my expectations up too high, that way when things don’t work out (as you’re beginning to tell happens a lot) I’m not too disappointed. I probably won’t go. If Courtney does call, my mom will probably say no. It’s about 4:40 now, most people go to [local teen hangout] around 6ish, that’s just about an hour and a half, but I’m not going to get too excited. Although it would be nice to see all my friends that I haven’t seen in a week or so…

No matter, I’ll find a way to make tonight special. :]

Summer’s been pretty eventful so far. :] Yesterday Di and Jesse came to visit. I helped Di with some math and then the three of us+dad went for a walk. We had a really good lunch and 3 good things came out of it. 1) Di says she wants to come up for a weekend to visit real soon. :] 2) Jesse’s thinking of buying a house down here. 3) Jesse’s giving me her old skateboard! My only complaint about the day was that Michael kept calling and yelling at Jesse telling her she better get home and all this shit then she made up some lie how she had to get home and let him into the apartment.

Jesse: head-strong, stubborn, close-minded, smart, creative. Jesse is hard to put down in a little sanriotown description. She’s pretty cool once you get to know her, but she can’t stand it unless she’s in the center stage. She thinks everything’s a conspiracy, and she overanalyzes everything.

Diana: sweet, quiet, funny, impatient. Di is nearly the opposite of Jesse. She can be quiet unless in the right circumstances, otherwise, she’s super funny and spontaneous. She loves animals, and she’d do anything to make people happy. She always puts other’s needs before her own. She always reminded me of Snow White. :] 

Today me and my mom went to the beach. I read a few pages in my book: “Learned Optomism” and I’m regaining my “summer tan” haha. Heck Yes! We were going to bring Cristina, but she baield last minute. Too bad, she missed out. I also went to Publix today and got new headphones (my kitty chewed through my other ones)

On Thursday, I’m going to Kevin’s baseball game with Courtney. We’re going to drink slurpies, rate guys’ butts, and be craft-pimps.

On Friday, Crystal’s coming over to hang out. We’ll probably play ITG and Guitar Hero no doubt. Afterwords, her mom is probably going to take us to Cobb, where I will hopefully meet up with Deven, Alyssa, and Courtney (Butter if I’m lucky <3)

I’m really excited, I have a feeling this summer is going to be amazing!

It’ll be even better when my best friend Alex gets back from China (school trip) and we can parole the neighborhood and cause mayhem. ;D

So me and Cookie broke it off. We agreed that since he was graduating it would be better if we cooled it off. We never really talked anyways, I felt like I was with a stranger when I was with. He’s the absolute opposite of what I’m looking for in a guy. I can’t say I’m geuinlly depressed, because I’m not, sure I’ll kind of miss the ncie things he said about me, but when i think about Courtney said, I think she was right, it felt like he was just feeding me lines. Summer’s a time to relax and enjoy life, and I plan to do just that.

Me and Butter have been texting back and forth all day. On the last day of school (yesterday) he left 5 minutes after he got to school, and I didn’t get a chance to say good-by. After he left, my phone started vibrating, but I figured it was Cookie texting me, so I didn’t pick up, it was actually Butter calling to say good-by! I called him back, and we talked for a few minutes before the first bell rang. Here’s how the texts followed:

Me: Hey kid! Butter: Hey wats up Me: Aw man. I wish I could’ve said good-by. Butter: i no. same here. i couldn’t find you yesterday morning. i was mad that I couldn’t say good-by but we have to hang out this summer. Me: Haha. Yea. I broke up with my bf, so me, you, lauren, and joren could hang at the mall sometime, and if ur ever in [my neighborhood], come by my house! Butter: Why? And hell yea, now I can come to the mall with you people

it goes on. but that was the most interesting.

for a while, iw as wearing my favorite pair of jeans and getting people to sign them, and Butter wrote: ‘I love you’ so sweet.

Anyways, enough about boys. My blog used to be so interesting, I used to write about life concepts and world issues, now I write just like any other teen. I will try to return to my mature state of mind. I’ve just been a little cluttered lately.

Well, today I went to an antique show. Me and my dad went over to this bench and he started talking, and he reminded me so much of Johny Nolan from a tree grows in Brooklyn, my mother actually remind sme of Katie, Johny’s wife, and my dad said I was always like Francie, the daughter. If all this is true, am I but a character in a book? If you’ve ever read A Tree Grows In Brooklyn, you know Johny dies when Francie is 14. I’ve always ahd the premonition that my dad would die young, and that I would die about 4 years after him. WIll he die next year? Is he just a character in a book? Are we all but characters in sad stories?

I think everyone’s life would make a decent story. Can you imagine? Reading everyone’s life stories? How amazing would that be?